Have You Written a Letter Lately?

Does your child know how to send a letter? In the electronic age in which we live, I would imagine that many of them have never done so. One might even confront a high school graduate who does not know how to address an envelope. I read an article which stated that in Great Britain, the Royal Mail sends almost 70,000 items daily to the National Returns Center to try to figure out the intended recipient of the letter, as they are addressed incorrectly.

Is there a value in letter writing? I recently had the discussion with someone as to whether writing a hand-written thank you note is old-fashioned. E-mail, texting etc. are “here today and gone tomorrow” as they are mostly deleted. Historians even wonder how historical record will change as we no longer have insight to characters and events based on letters written. One writer, Bruno Somerset, wrote, “The danger is that we will become the first generation in history with no written record of ourselves. If George Washington, Abraham Lincoln or Ernest Hemingway had only used e-mail, would we have the same record of them that we possess through their letters and journals today? If Jefferson had sent text messages to Adams, think what would have been lost to history.”

I don’t want to sound outdated, but there is some value in letter-writing. How about writing a letter to your child? Recently I read a blog suggesting that would be a cherished holiday gift. In this letter we can tell our children how we feel about them and what about them makes us proud. We assume they know all this already- but once they see it in black and white, it is more impactful. These letters will be saved and reread as they grow older. And, how about a quick note in a lunchbox? “Good luck on your English test. I know you worked hard and I’m proud.” They may quickly hide it so their friends won’t see, but it is often appreciated.

Recently, I came across a book called Dear Me: A Letter to My Sixteen-Year-Old Self. In this book, 75 celebrities wrote what they would say if they came face to face with themselves at age 16. J.K. Rowling who wrote the introduction to the book and was a contributor said, “’Be yourself. Be easier on yourself. Become yourself, as fully as possible.’ Attempting to isolate those life lessons I could pass back to the girl I used to be was a truly illuminating exercise. It made me look at my 17-year-old and remember, in a more powerful way than ever before, just how raw and vivid life is for her…” This exercise of writing a letter to your past self may be an interesting way to understand your teenager better. Perhaps you may even want to share the letter with your teen as it will inevitably share some important lessons for him/her.

In 8^th grade Advisory our students wrote letters to their  parents. It began as a discussion as part of our “Relationship with Parents” Unit. We asked them, “Why is it sometimes so hard to tell your parents exactly what you need?” Some responses were- they judge you right away, sometimes it gets you in trouble, you feel like they don’t agree, you are embarrassed to admit some things to them, they don’t have the time etc. We then discussed that despite all these obstacles, we cannot expect them to understand us if we don’t tell them what we need. They cannot read our minds. That is what this “letter writing” activity was all about. The exercise began with a letter to you.

Dear Parents,

You know, how sometimes we misunderstand each other- or at least you don’t quite “get” me? I thought that it might be easier for you if you had an instruction manual so you can figure out what makes me tick. Read this guide carefully, and feel free to ask any questions. Thanks for listening.

Good luck,

Your loving and adorable 8^th grader

They then actually created along with this letter an Instruction Manual all about them. Just like a new product comes with a booklet explaining all the features, so, too this booklet is designed to explain all their features to their parents. We had asked them to share the booklets with their individual parents. (We imagine that since it was not mandated, most of them did not show the booklets!). Often, it is difficult for teens to tell their parents how they feel. We encourage this old-fashioned exercise of letter-writing (or in this case, “manual-writing”) so that it is easier for them to express how they feel, and that parents can read and absorb what they have to say at their own pace.

In an era when the U.S. Postal Service may be closing 3,700 locations due to the lack of mail and letter-writing, I am championing the use of the obsolete letter. It is a wonderful way to create a history and a relationship with your child.

Teens and Trust

Trust is an essential aspect of our relationships with our teens. When we discover that they have lied to us, we feel betrayed and concerned that there are other things we don't know about our children. Teens lie to avoid punishment, to win respect and admiration from their peers, to spare someone's feelings or when they do not trust another person to tell him/her the truth. In studies, parents consistently rate honesty as the number one trait they hope for their children. There has been much research on teens and lying which can provide us with some sense of what we can do about it as parents.

In Penn State, teens were interviewed to ascertain their lying patterns as related to 36 topics. At the start of the interviews, they all stated that one should tell his/her parents the truth about everything. By the end of the interviews, 98% of the teens admitted to lying to their parents in 12 out of the 36 topics. In fact, it surprised them to realize how often they do lie. Topics like who they are hanging out with , what clothes they wore when they went out, the movies they went to see.. were all common areas of lying. Interestingly enough, on paper, 98% of children state that lying is morally wrong. “So, when do the 98% who think lying is wrong become the 98% who lie?” questions Po Bronson in a 2008 issue of New York Magazine “Learning to Lie.”

Lying is actually correlated with intelligence. Lying is an “advanced skill,” states Dr. Victoria Talwar of McGill University, as it involves recognizing the truth, conceiving of an alternate reality and then selling that reality to someone else. It require advance cognitive development and is a developmental milestone. However, most of us as parents would prefer that our children not be that smart!

As children grow they experiment with lying until about the age of 7, when lying decreases with most children. If children tend to continue beyond that age on a consistent basis, research indicates that they tend to utilize this strategy throughout childhood.

What kind of techniques can we utilize to dissuade our children from lying? Another research study indicated that when children were told stories before being tempted to lie- “The Boy Who Cried Wolf” or “George Washington Never Told A Lie”- they tended to actually lie a little more after The Boy Who Cried Wolf. Lying was reduced by 43% after they heard the George Washington story. They hypothesized that the punishment that the shepherd received did not help children understand how their lie affected others. Children who live in constant threat of punishment actually tend to lie more. Talwar highlights that “Parents need to teach kids the worth of honesty, as much as they need to say that lying is wrong.”

How do we relay that worth of honesty?

1. Through modeling it. Most of our children learn to lie from us. We don't tell them to lie, but they see the many white lies we tell throughout our day, or the lie we tell to the man at the door so that he'll just go away, for example. Even white lies to avoid conflict and hurting another can be damaging without an explanation. They learn that honesty creates conflict. They even rationalize that when they do something wrong, if they lie to us it makes us feel better and therefore it's okay. So, if we need to bend the truth a bit, we need to take the time to explain why.
2. Being honest with our children. If we are facing a situation that is difficult, i.e. an illness, if we can, we should try to share as much of the truth as is developmentally appropriate with them.
3. Make it easy for them to tell us the truth. Let us not entrap them to lie to us unnecessarily. If you notice your child has violated a house rule, instead of saying, “Did you forget to take out the garbage last night?” say, “Why didn't you take out the garbage last night?” Do not leave an opening for denial.
4. Talk about how you value honesty. Let them know that your values may be different from others in a different house, or on TV, but you expect them to cherish your family values.
5. The research showed that the families where the parents were the most consistent at enforcing rules, while at the same time have the most conversations with their children, had teens who lied the least. Sounds like a good formula for parenting an honest child.
6. Academic dishonesty- cheating or lying to a teacher or parent about schoolwork is a common area of lying. We just received report cards. Unfortunately, there are some students who have not been entirely forthright with the grades they have been receiving leading up to the report card. Children often “lose” their tests before the parents can sign them. The fear that they have of how we will react and the shame of disappointing us prevents them from being honest. We reassure them that we are here to help them and support them, and we cannot help them if they are not forthcoming.
7. We tell them that if they tell us the truth about a misbehavior, we will not get angry- BUT we will still deliver a fair consequence.
8. We need to highlight how their lies affect others. Even if they don't get caught, their lie can harm.

As parents, while we need to let our teens know that when they lie to us they do violate our trust in them, we need to make sure that we are not personally insulted by their behavior. Teens will test this trust as is developmentally appropriate. Our job is then to help them find ways to rebuild that trust. We must never say, “I will never trust you again!” And, when they do tell us the truth, we need to accept the news calmly and congratulate them on the courage they had to own up to what they did.

Friendship Circle and Being a True Friend

Friendship Circle not only teaches our children how to be sensitive to the needs of the developmentally disabled, but it also teaches them how to be good friends to their typically developing peers. As you know, as we watched our children interact in the Friendship Circle winter camp, we saw incredible caring, patience and maturity in our children. After the experience, we will then talk to them about how this week impacted on their lives.

We share with them a song by Peter Yarrow , of Peter, Paul and Mary fame, called, “Don't laugh at me.” It comes along with a video which features special needs children. You can find this video at http://www.dontlaugh.org/videos/videohb.mov. This song is part of the curriculum he created for his organization called “Operation Respect” which travels all across the world teaching children how to treat each other with respect. Its mission is so that no child ever feels teased or picked on. He has brought this program even to Israel and has done his song in Hebrew and Arabic. A few years ago, someone from his organization came to our school to meet with our students. Since then, we have been utilizing pieces of his program in our anti-bullying curriculum. Some of the lyrics we focus upon in his song are:

I’m a little boy with glasses
The one they call a geek
A little girl who never smiles
’cause I have braces on my teeth
And I know how it feels to cry myself to sleep

I’m that kid on every playground
Who’s always chosen last
A a kid who's made mistakes
Tryin’ to overcome my past
You don’t have to be my friend
But is it too much to ask

Don’t laugh at me
Don’t call me names
Don’t get your pleasure from my pain
In God’s eyes we’re all the same
Someday we’ll all have perfect wings
Don’t laugh at me

The song continues “ I’m fat, I’m thin, I’m short, I’m tall, I’m deaf, I’m blind, hey, aren’t we all?” The message to our students is obvious. We are all different, but equally precious. We have no right to decide that we are better than anyone else. We then launch into a discussion of that sometimes it’s easy for us to not pick on someone with an obvious disability, - no one would tease a child with a developmental disability- that’s cruel! But, it is hard to remember that when it comes to others, like the kid with glasses, or the child who’s picked last etc.

In fact, I witness this issue more poignantly with our students who are in the mainstream school system, yet might have more subtle disabilities. A recent study in July 2011 found that 1 in 3 children in mainstream classrooms have some special needs- ranging from asthma and ADHD to emotional and behavioral disorders. These students reported higher levels of bullying and were less likely to feel safe in school. Research indicates that children with more “minor” special needs (not minor at all to them!) have lower social standing among students in the classroom and are frequently the targets of bullying. The research has pinpointed some specific reasons why these children may suffer bullying. Children who have difficulty reading social cues and have difficulties with social interaction can be targets. Often, these children have lower frustration tolerances and may have “melt-downs” in class causing them to stand out. They may get “stuck” in conversation making it hard for them to converse. Some children have motor difficulties which make participation in sports challenging. These are the children that are always picked last. And, we know how particularly difficult it is for a boy who is not good at sports to fit in.

Our job as parents and educators is to sensitize our children to the disabilities their peers might have. Instead of getting annoyed with the child in class who has a hard time staying in his/her seat, we need to encourage them to feel compassion and to demonstrate understanding. It is okay to have a conversation explaining another child's difficulty and demanding they show the caring the child deserves. “ Sammy may interrupt you all the time, but it's not because he is rude. He sometimes has a hard time figuring out when it is his turn to speak. What can we do to help him?” And, of course, we teach our children that as with any type of bullying we cannot be perpetrators or bystanders. We need to stop it at all costs.

“Tebow- How Faith Leads to Victory” was the title of an article in the magazine The Week, ( despite their most recent loss). Even before I read the content, the title brought Chanukah to mind. Chanukah is the story of the “rabim b'yad m'atim,”- many fell in the hands of the few. The powerful Greeks fell in the hands of the weak Jews. And, yet, the Maccabees had faith that they could win, and so they did. Despite all rational explanation, the Jews were victorious. The miracle of the oil was one of faith in success as well, as failure was the only rational reality. As I discussed in my Parasha and Parenting shiur, the Greek culture prided itself in its rationalism. If it was not logical it could not be true. The miracle of Chanukah proved that theory wrong. Tim Tebow, a “mediocre quarterback” plays for the Broncos that had a 1-4 record before he became their quarterback. “What has happened since defies all rational explanation.” Many maintain that it is his prayers on the sidelines that lead to victory.

As I began thinking about this connection, I noticed another article comparing Chanukah to Tebow. But, the author Rabbi Eisen asserts, “If Tim Tebow is claiming, when he gets down on bended knee and points toward heaven, that G-d cares about Broncos victories on the football field, his theology frankly strikes me as absurd. I hope and believe that G-d has better things to worry about than football...”

The Week, quoting author Frank Bruni says that it is not his prayer that causes G-d to save the game. Rather, “In dire situations that would discourage most other players, Tebow has a quiet, unshakable confidence that everything will work out for the best. His teammates are inspired by this, and more often than not, it does work out. Optimism matters- a lot. That's a lesson all of us can learn from Tim Tebow's weekly miracles.”

Optimism and hope clearly have a positive impact on outcomes. We are all familiar with the research on the impact of prayer on illness- as the patient has more hope. Chanukah is the holiday of optimism. The Gemara in Shabbat 21b states that there is a difference in opinion between Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai in the way we light the menorah. Today we follow Beit Hillel- we add one more candle each night. We look at the cup half full-as we add more, rather than half empty- taking away.

Another indication of the optimism of Chanukah can be found in two quotes of Rabbi Tanchum in that same Gemara Shabbat 22b. Rabbi Tanchum states that when Yosef was thrown into the pit, (in a parasha that “coincidentally” falls around Chanukah), a duplication of language in the pasuk implies that while the pit had no water, it was full of snakes and scorpions. The story suddenly becomes even worse. This statement of Rabbi Tanchum appears in the middle of a discussion about how high the Chanukah candles should be! Why? Mainly because they are both statements attributed to him. Perhaps we can make another connection between his seemingly unconnected statements. Rabbi Tanchum is perhaps saying that just with Chanukah, what appears to be hopeless in Yosef's life, ends up being for the best. One must keep this optimism in mind.

We know the importance of optimism for happiness. Studies show that teens who are more pessimistic are more prone to engage in risky behavior. What can we do as parents to ensure this optimism of Chanukah, (and dare I say, Tim Tebow)?

The good news is, children are not born pessimistic. Pessimistic attitudes are learned. So, as parents we can help them become more optimistic. We focus on the positive possibilities. In daily discussions with our children, we need to point out good news and positive events that happen. Review all the good things that happened in your child's day with him/her each night. We need to confront their pessimistic thinking, by pointing it out to them and forcing him/her to come up with an optimistic statement instead. We need to reward them for optimism by acknowledging positive attitudes. And, of course, we need to model optimism as much as we can.  A conversation about why they think Tim Tebow is succeeding despite all odds is a good way to begin.  Or, maybe bringing the lessons of Chanukah closer to their own personal lives is an even better way.

The Favorite Child?

“And Israel loved Joseph above his other sons... and made for him a coat of many colors. And his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, and they came to hate him and could not speak together peacefully.' " (Genesis 37:3-4) The Gemara in Masechet Shabbat 10b highlights, “One should never favor one child over his other children, for it was the mere two shekels worth of silk, which Jacob gave to Joseph over and above that which he gave to his other children, that caused the brothers to be envious of him, leading eventually to our forefathers' descent into Egypt." This section of Parashat Vayeshev is full of obvious parenting lessons. One would imagine that a lesson that is more than obvious to us would have been so to Yaakov as well. The parshanim on these pesukim spend some time stressing that this was all part of G-d's plan, and not the mere family dynamics gone wrong.
This story of favoritism that we read each year came to mind as I read an article in the October 3, 2011 issue of Time Magazine called “Playing Favorites” by Jeffrey Kluger. He asserts that parents do indeed have a favorite child. Kluger quotes a University of California at Davis study where 384 sibling pairs and parents were questioned and videotaped over three years. 65% of mothers and 70% of fathers admitted that they have a favorite child.
Some reasons Kluger attributes to this favoritism are that all animals and humans are genetically programmed to favor the child who is most prone to be successful and pass on their genes to the next generation. He adds that the oldest child is often the favored as parents spend so much more effort on the first child, as he is the only one in existence.
Some other common reasons stem from a child's temperament. Some children by nature are easier and some more difficult. One child's temperament may be more similar to the parent's which adds to favoritism. They are a good fit. A particular child may fulfill a parents expectations more than the other. And, of course, there are children who need more attention due to, for example, disabilities or illness, and therefore appear to be the favorites to the other siblings.
How does this “favoritism” affect the children? The other children may suffer from low self-esteem. (Although Steve Jobs claimed that the fact that he was the least favorite child in his family led him to have more drive and ambition to succeed). It clearly can also cause conflict between the siblings. And, the favored children may feel that they must always be “perfect” and meet their parents' expectations, feeling constant stress. They also may have a sense of entitlement as they enter the real world, and are unable to deal with disappointments in life.
Kluger's article also sparked controversy, as many asserted that not all have a favorite child. It is not favoritism that we are seeing. Children are all good and not so good in different arenas. Depending on the situation one might be your favorite partner to go see a baseball game. Another child might be your favorite with whom to go shopping. As Bonnie Rochman responded to Kluger's article, “They're all good and bad at different things, just as we all are. I see different parts of myself in each of them... but I can't choose a favorite overall.”
Whether you agree or disagree with Mr. Kluger, what can we do to make sure that our children don't feel as if we prefer one of them over another?
1. Remember that we are often unaware of what our behaviors convey to our children. We need to stop and think about the messages we are communicating to our children by the way we are treating them.

2. If someone else points out those “favoring behaviors” instead of denying, we should examine our actions.

3. If your child accuses you of favoritism, instead of simply denying it, respond with, “I would love to spend time with you (for example) too”. Make time to give each child one on one time.

4. Love each child uniquely. Let your child know that you notice his/her unique characteristics and connect with him/her over their special qualities.

The SAT Scandal and Self-Esteem

 

For those of us who have ever worked with high school juniors, the meaning of the SAT exam cannot be understated. With college looming ahead, the SATs become the focus of their year. When the SAT cheating scandal in Long Island was revealed it hit home. The more obvious realization is that it is a prime “teachable moment” to speak with our children about cheating. More importantly, it is a time to stress that we don't do whatever it takes to get good grades. Being a good person is more valuable than getting good grades. We will love them no matter what they get on their SATs. As we do in Advisory, we speak with them about the impact their cheating has on others and on the moral fabric of their classroom/society.
But, there is a less obvious discussion we can have as well. When reading about the scandal, I came across a blog from a Rabbi Jeremy Kalmanofsky (whom I do not know), who humorously stated, “It is time to do what Jews do in such scandals: examine the last names.” It is so true! We read the names, hoping that none sound Jewish. We dread the Chillul Hashem (desecration of G-d's name) it will create. As the days progressed, we realized that many of the perpetrators were Jewish, and three were students/graduates of a modern Orthodox high school. Clearly, we are not immune. The Chillul Hashem is palpable.
The message of Chillul Hashem and Kiddush Hashem carry numerous lessons for our teens. They are used to hearing our “schmooze” before a trip, “Remember, we are representing our school and our community...” To them, that is all that Kiddush Hashem means.
The concept of Chillul/Kiddush Hashem can relay an essential mental health message as well. The way we behave makes a difference and it has consequences. Every action we do affects our reputation and how we are viewed by others. As Rabbi Mark Dratch wrote in his article, “The Shame of it All,” “And it matters not only to the people around us and not only to our own reputations, but it matters to God and His reputation as well. Our duty as Jews, as a 'kingdom of priests and a holy nation,' is to bring the world closer to a recognition and appreciation of God. We are God's representatives to the world, and all that we do impacts upon how others view Him.”

As the Gemara in Yoma 86a highlights, “But if someone studies Scripture and Mishnah, attends on the disciples of the wise, but is dishonest in business, and discourteous in his relations with people, what do people say about him? ‘Woe unto him who studied the Torah, woe unto his father who taught him Torah; woe unto his teacher who taught him Torah!’ This man studied the Torah: Look, how corrupt are his deeds, how ugly his ways; of him Scripture says: In that men said of them,: These are the people of the Lord, and are gone forth out of His land”

What responsibility! What an honor! What greater statement of self-esteem is there as we want to raise teens who feel that they matter in this world? We do not deliver this message to our children in shame, or as a mussar schmooze, but rather with pride.

Interestingly, the concept of Chillul Hashem is worsened when it is committed by an adam chashuv- an important, well- respected person. Rabbi Dratch continues to highlight that,.

^{“While the sources seem to restrict the imposition of higher ethical standards to an adam hashuv, one can easily argue that, in our day, each observant Jew is considered an adam hashuv, to one degree or another, vis-à-vis the non-observant community, and that all Jews have such a status vis-à-vis the non-Jewish world.”}

The Gemara list numerous examples of Chillul Hashem. Rabbi Dratch stresses that Chillul Hashem is at times subjective, as it depends on how the population of that time period, or the culture around you view the act. “Conduct that may appear to the actor to be appropriate, may in fact be a hillul Hashem if it is so deemed by the larger population. Rambam writes that a person should refrain from those activities which are unseemly in the eyes of others, even if in his own eyes they are not unseemly.”

^{Chillul Hashem reflects that when we behave, we cannot just consider how it makes us feel. It is not all about me. It is about how our behaviors affect others. I even need to be concerned that my behavior not hurt the sensibilities of others, albeit unintentionally. Much of misbehavior can be prevented if we can learn to stop and think about the consequences before we act. That is another important message of Chillul Hashem.}

^{At the Shabbat table this Shabbat, as we discuss the scandal and the values about cheating we want to relay, let us also remind our children of the messages of Chillul Hashem as they relate to valuable role they play.}

"For You Were Strangers In The Land of Egypt" - We Were Homeless Too!

Peter Larson, a teenager from Minnesota, sleeps outside in a cardboard box from Nov. 12^th to Dec. 31^st each year. He has been doing this “sleep-out” since he was six years old, raising $400,000 for the homeless, in temperatures as low as minus 20. This news article struck me as I read it this week, as we just came off of our visit to the Homeless Shelter with the 7^th grade. When we speak with the students in Advisory about their obligation to “change the world” or “tikkun olam,” Peter Larson's story speaks volumes. Even “kids” can make a difference. (A great teachable moment and discussion!)

Although it has become traditional to recognize the plight of the homeless around Thanksgiving and the “holiday season,” my goal in incorporating this visit into our Advisory curriculum is not to join this tradition. Rather, the goal of this most recent unit was to develop and strengthen their skill of empathy. Empathy is essential for all relationships. The ability to understand others and predict their behaviors are predicated on empathy.

“You know there's a lot of talk in this country about the federal deficit. But I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit- to see the world through the eyes of those who are different from us,” President Obama highlighted. Whether or not you agree with his politics, his observation that E.D.D. - empathy deficit disorder – is rampant has been demonstrated in the research.

Why are teens today any different? One idea, according to Dr. Gary Small, since teens are texting as their primary method of communication, their brains have been rewired and are less able to recognize and share feelings. Research has shown that today's teens and college students are more narcissistic and less empathetic.

Typically, people are more willing to experience empathy for those similar to themselves. One impediment to empathy is the inability of people to admit that another person is like himself. Dr. Stephen Snyder notes the difference between the chimpanzees and bonobos. Chimpanzees seem to be low on the empathy scale as they deem any outsider as “them” and kill them. Bonobos' “circle of empathy” includes all of their kind. There is no “us” and “them.”

Our goal in Advisory is therefore to help our students generalize their empathy skills to those who are like them and even to those not like them. And, so in our unit we do not only train them to empathize with their peers, who are like them, but also to empathize with the homeless strangers- who have lives they could never imagine. We lead them to the moment where they can say upon their return from the shelter, “They are regular people like us.” or “People make mistakes. I see them differently now.” They are now ready to empathize.

In the Torah, Moshe Rabbeinu states 36 times, “...you know the feelings of a stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.” But, we have never been strangers! No Jew beyond the yotzei Mitzrayim can feel what it meant to be a slave and a stranger in Egypt. Moshe demanded a two-stepped empathy. First, imagine what it was like to be a slave in Egypt and then imagine what this stranger is going through.

In Florida, a Compassion Camp provides a 24 hour immersion experience where teens live a day in the life of a homeless person. They eat their food, have to wear their clothes and are sent into the streets to beg. When students are asked about the impact such a program has on them, the response has been, “'I definitely think it has an impact,' said 15 year old Rachel McCombs, 'especially on how nice I am.'”

Our Empathy Unit- Project Respect, led us straight to a Quality Circle in Advisory. A Quality Circle is a monthly opportunity to discuss how we treat each other in school. Is there an atmosphere of respect? Is there bullying going on? Are we as bystanders doing something to make things better? Are we “being nice”- as Rachel McCombs stated above? The Quality Circle this month clearly was impacted by our visit to the shelter. The students indicated that they will think twice and empathize before they make judgments about others. They got the message.

(See attached to my e-mail the links to two videos we showed this week in Quality Circle which connected the two units).