The Psychology Of Forgiveness

 

As you know, your children at Yavneh spend the days before a chag learning the halachot and themes that apply to that chag. The same holds true for Yom Kippur. I wanted to take some time this erev Yom Kippur to share what some of your children learned in their classes as I was invited to be a “guest speaker” in Rabbi Yehuda Segal’s Mishna/Gemara classes this week.  Rabbi Segal learned the laws of forgiveness with these students and asked if I could come in to share the psychological perspective on forgiveness,  and the steps to asking for forgiveness or accepting an apology. 

I began by telling the children that Rabbi Segal’s invitation allowed me to do “my favorite thing”- showing how Torah and psychology have so many parallels. More important than what I was going to present was that the children learned, (as I told them explicitly), that centuries before the field of psychology was even created Judaism, the Torah and our chachamim knew that forgiveness is essential and good for you.  And, while we do mitzvot to listen to Hashem, oftentimes mitzvot do have real positive personal benefits. 

In this case, there is an entire field of psychology called the psychology of forgiveness which demonstrates that those who either cannot ask for forgiveness or accept apologies often have suppressed anger, low self-esteem, and are at risk for depression and anxiety.  When we resist asking another for forgiveness we often carry the burden of that wrongdoing which impacts on our mental health. Likewise, often when we hold grudges and don’t accept apologies we ruminate about the wrong that was done to us and become bitter, resentful, angry and fearful. “Unforgiveness” causes significant stress and can even lead to cardiovascular difficulties.  Forgiveness, on the other hand, was linked to positive emotions of empathy and compassion (Worthington & Scherer, 2004).  Skills of reconciliation are essential for our mental and physical health. 

I first asked the students to consider a time they had to ask someone to forgive them and what made it so difficult to do.   Students identified the awkwardness of admitting one is wrong and the impact on the ego and one’s pride. Apologizing takes great courage. They discussed how often they do not feel they did anything wrong, while the other person is demanding an apology.  Often, they simply do not know what to say.  Regardless, taking personal responsibility for one’s actions is imperative. 

We then discussed the steps of forgiveness, as identified by psychologists in the field. Step #1- Empathy- consider how the other person feels and see the situation from the other person’s point of view.  At times that is best enabled by listening to the other person first.  “How would I feel if it happened to me?”  And, even in the case when you feel that an apology is not warranted, clearly the other person believes it is.  That is where the empathy is even more important. “I do not see it the way the other person does. But, for a moment, let me step into that person’s shoes and imagine feeling the way he/she does. Now I can apologize.”  We also discussed that in cases like that perhaps one would say “I am sorry that I made you feel….” It is really about how I made him/her feel, not what I did.  When asking for forgiveness that should be the focus.  Make the other person feel as if you care to understand him/her and you want to hear his/her point of view. 

When apologizing we need to avoid the “I am sorry but I didn’t do anything wrong.”  The students all identified sincerity as key to an effective apology. Once the receiver believes you are not sincere, it is meaningless.  We apologize even if the act was unintended. 

Two other ways we discussed that we can show the one to whom we are apologizing that we are sincere is by “making up for it”- an offer to make amends,  and change.  The students came up with wonderful examples of making amends.  For example, if your friend is upset because you tripped her in the hallway, she dropped all her books and then was late to class, you would make it up by staying to help pick up the books. Or, perhaps help her get the notes for the time she was out of class.  But, we did consider that there are times that we cannot make it up so neatly and we cannot rewind the clock to fix what we have done. That is where change comes in. 

When apologizing we need to make it clear that we have the intention to change. What will you do differently next time? And, not only to verbalize what you will do differently, but to actively demonstrate that by actually doing it.  “I apologize for not saving you a seat during lunch.”  The next day you actually save her a seat. 

We reviewed how to ask for forgiveness when it is so difficult for us to do so. Perhaps practice in front of a mirror? Write out the text before we apologize?  Consult with an adult for help figuring out what to say?  And, if we cannot bring ourselves to apologize in person, we can always facetime, text or even leave an old-fashioned note. Or perhaps make use of the help of a friend to be an "intermediary" as the Rabbi Segal taught them in the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch. (But, we need to be careful, as some friends mean well, but may exacerbate the situation).

What does happen if our apology is not accepted? First, it is critical to not take back one’s apology and bitterly say, “I didn’t mean it anyway!” or to react in anger and exacerbate the situation.  Calmly offering to them some time is more constructive.  Forgiveness is not necessarily instant. While the halacha does discuss the three times one must ask, we discussed how to go about that. Should one harass someone asking for forgiveness (i.e. constant texts until they respond?) If someone still refuses, perhaps involving an adult to mediate would be helpful- a parent, a teacher or even me!  And, hopefully if we can truly demonstrate real change, the forgiveness will come in time. 

Most importantly, to truly apologize one needs to realize that we all make mistakes and that no one is perfect.  We all have hurt others and wish we could rewind the clock. What really matters is what we do after we have hurt another. And, we need to remember that we need to forgive ourselves too and not be too self-critical.   

We then went over the psychology of accepting an apology. Believe it or not- it takes some training!  We first reviewed how difficult it is at times to accept an apology and why.  There are times that we feel we have been so terribly wronged and we cannot forgive. Or perhaps the person has perpetrated the same misdeed over and over despite having apologized many times before.  Overall, accepting apologies is not only good for the apologizer, but also good for us, as noted above, as it allows us to reconcile, move on, and leave the pain behind.  We also stressed that forgiving someone does not necessarily mean condoning what they did. 

Interestingly enough, the first step to accepting an apology is the same as asking for forgiveness- it is empathy. While we might be inclined to not accept what the apologizer says, we can imagine “How would I feel if I were in his/her place and I was asking for forgiveness and desperate for it to be accepted?”  The students understood that it is okay to accept an apology but still state directly how you were hurt.  It often takes a lot of courage to forgive. 

What happens if we accept the apology but the person does the misdeed to us again?  Often it is helpful to get that mediator involved again to ensure that the one being asked to accept the apology’s feelings are said explicitly.  One student suggested that there are times that we have friends who repeat transgressions against us because they have “problems” and at times we can be understanding. But, the goal is to get that person help by usually involving an adult, and to not ever accept someone hurting you over and over again. Additionally, forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation. One might forgive someone and yet that relationship never goes back to what it used to be. 

Rabbi Segal then ended the class asking the children to do a homework assignment that they could keep private. They would make a plan for actively making amends with someone before Yom Kippur. What a wonderful way to practically implement that which they have learned! 

While we focused on asking for forgiveness and accepting apologies of others, psychologists have identified another area of forgiveness which impacts on a person’s mental health- self-forgiveness.

Danny Verbov, in his article “The FedEx Guide to Self- Forgiveness” writes that  “Dr. Fred Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, and author of Forgive for Good. Luskin discovered that the biggest obstacle to self-forgiveness may be our tendency to wallow in our own guilt. ‘It's not just that we feel bad because we know we've done wrong,’ he explains. Everybody does that. But some of us actually draw those bad feelings around ourselves like a blanket, cover our heads and refuse to stop the wailing. Instead of taking responsibility for what we've done by trying to repair the damage or search for help, many of us unconsciously decide to punish ourselves by feeling miserable for the rest of our lives. Which gives us the tacit approval to continue to slip up… and so the cycle continues.”‘

Every night in the full Keriat Shema we say: 

I hereby forgive anyone who annoyed me or mocked me, or who sinned against me whether physically, financially, or hurt my honor or anything else of mine. Whether accidentally, willingly, unintentionally or intentionally; whether in speech or in action, in this life or any other. And no person should be punished because of what they did to me.

So, Verbov states that the nightly prayer we say in Shema does not only forgive others allowing us to move on, but it also should allow us to forgive ourselves for our sins/mistakes that we have repeated over and over.  Verbov changes the meaning of that nightly prayer:

I hereby forgive myself for getting annoyed or mocking myself for something I did today, or for sinning against myself whether abusing my body, finances or damaging my honor or anything else. Whether accidentally, willingly, unintentionally or intentionally; whether in speech or in action, in this life or any other. And I should not be punished because of what I did to myself or anyone else.

Not only do we need to forgive others this time of year, but we need to forgive ourselves as well. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed the Success Guide created by last year’s sixth graders with secrets to success in middle school and identified some areas they want to work on this year. 

Seventh Grade:  Students highlighted how while they can make a change in the world, they first need to start with themselves. 

Eighth Grade:  Students discussed the skills needed for grit and resilience and  set S.M.A.R.T. goals. They set up an e-mail using Futureme that will arrive in their inbox at graduation day to see if they have actually achieved any of those goals. 

The Spiritual Skill of Faith to Combat Worry

         As we have completed two weeks of school we have worked at supporting our children back into their routine. As I described last week, we focused on ensuring that the students had the opportunity to reflect on their return and assess how they were doing emotionally with the changes and the unknowns. So, while we focused on the emotional skills that our children need to weather these months, with Rosh HaShana approaching I consider  the “spiritual skills” they will need as well.  

“Spiritual skills,” you might ask? We know social/emotional skills, as that is what Advisory is for (and hopefully woven into their other classes as well).  But, what are “spiritual skills” and how do we teach them? In Slovie Jungreis Wolf’s book called Raising A Child With Soul she focuses on how raising a child with spirituality is in essence good parenting. She writes,

 “I have always been amazed at the amount of planning parents put into the minutest details of their babies’ lives.  Months before the baby is even born, the baby nurse, nursery colors, the brand of stroller, and even the preschool have all been discussed.  As the child grows, so, too, does the list.  Swim, karate, ballet, art French, chess, and tennis lessons from the time they’re tots- all ingredients that spell overload for both parents and children. We strive to give our children the best we possibly can. We worry that they receive proper nutrition, cultural experiences, and an excellent education.  What is most painful for me is the fact that rarely have I heard parents discussing their plan to develop their child’s soul.”

Wolf continues to stress the importance of building a mikdash me’at-  a miniature sanctuary, where G-d dwells, in our homes. It is not about having a shul in one’s home. Rather, it is about “embracing holiness in our daily moments of living.”  Children who do grow up in a home where G-d is constantly being acknowledged become spiritual.  This awareness of G-d exists in good times and bad. During challenging times, this child sees all of life challenges through a spiritual eye. 

Our children need these “spiritual skills” more than ever during these challenging times in which we are living. And, the primary spiritual skill they need right now are those of emunah and bitachon- faith in G-d.  As adults, many of us have been able to access  faith to carry us through this time.  But how about our children? Have we done a good job strengthening that emunah so that when they are confronted by a challenge- whether physical (or medical), or psychological they are able to lower that fear as they KNOW that Hashem is their light and their salvation?  

           As we recite ( לְדָוִ֨ד ה' אוֹרִ֣י   (תהילים כז each day in Elul this mizmor has taken on a new meaning in this COVID-19 time. 

אלְדָוִ֨ד | ה' | אוֹרִ֣י וְ֖יִשְׁעִי מִמִּ֣י אִירָ֑א ה' מָע֥וֹז חַ֜יַּ֗י מִמִּ֥י אֶפְחָֽד:...גאִם־תַּֽחֲנֶ֬ה עָלַ֨י | מַֽחֲנֶה֘ לֹֽא־יִירָ֪א לִ֫בִּ֥י אִם־תָּק֣וּם עָ֖לַי מִלְחָמָ֑ה בְּ֜זֹ֗את אֲנִ֣י בוֹטֵֽחַ

1Of David. The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; from whom shall I be frightened? …3If a camp encamps against me, my heart shall not fear; if a war should rise up against me, in this I trust.

           These words crystallize the power of emunah and bitachon to combat the fear, anxiety and uncertainty that we have faced these past months. We know the plethora of psychological research substantiating the impact of belief in G-d and religion on lowering anxiety.  79% of studies in a 2015 review by Duke University of 3,000 research studies investigating the relationship between religion and psychological well-being showed a link between religion and psychological well-being. “Positive religious coping consists of strategies that reflect a trusting relationship with God and a sense of spiritual connectedness to others, including reframing stressful events as reflecting the work of a benevolent God and seeing oneself as collaborating with God to solve problems, among others.” Studies indicate that people who believe in G-d and pray to Him actually get healthier more quickly, can tolerate pain and difficulty better, have more positive attitudes, are more persistent,  and are even happier. Higher  levels of “religiosity” are overall associated with better mental health. 

Raising a child with G-d in their daily lives, (Emunah), allows them to face life with strength and faith.  Wolf tells a story:  On Sunday morning, Mendy and I took a trip into Manhattan with our children. We decided to spend the day at Chelsea Piers… Once inside, the kids decided to attempt the rock- climbing wall.  My then four- year-old son, Akiva, insisted on joining his older siblings as they began their ascent. I watched him harnessed in ropes, as his little figure grew smaller with each step. My heart beat a little quicker until he finally made it down. I ran over to him and hugged him hard. ‘Akiva, weren’t you scared?’ I asked.  He looked at me for a second and then replied simply, ‘No, Mommy. Of course I wasn’t afraid. Why should I be? I was connected!” It dawned on me that this small child had just uncovered a significant truth.  You can go through an array of life experiences, some quite difficult to bear; however, if you feel connected to a higher source, you never have to be afraid.” 

 

 As parents, how do we create this mikdash me’at? By helping our children to develop personal relationships with G-d and be cognizant of Him in every moment.  

Emunah is  a subject that needs more attention in our modern Orthodox community.  Not only is it good for our children  as Jews, but it is good for them emotionally as well. It  changes one’s  whole perspective on life.   I often encourage parents of teens to learn the  book Living Emunah For Teens by Rabbi David Ashear,  (who has similar books for adults), with their children. Rabbi Ashear speaks about how small scenarios like getting a C on your Chumash test or  an insult from a friend, if one recalls that G-d is running the show, and it is all part of His plan, then our worries diminish. “Imagine if throughout the day, you found messages from Hashem. When you faced a challenge, He would let you know that He sees what you’re going through and has the whole situation in hand. When something good happened, it came with a note attached that said, ‘This is something special just for you.’ There would be no greater source of courage, comfort and joy in our lives. We would have no worries. We would feel pampered and protected at all times, even in the midst of something that would otherwise be unpleasant.”  If one lives like this, with emunah, one would always be positive.  And, on the other hand, those who are bitter and are always complaining and worrying, they do not truly believe that G-d is taking care of them. 

There is  a famous story of the Kotzker Rebbe.  He was walking by a small boy and asked him, “Little boy, where is G-d?” The boy replied, “That’s easy. He is everywhere.”  The Kotzker Rebbe responded, “G-d is only where you allow Him to enter.”   As parents, as with any value or skill we want our children to acquire, when we model bringing G-d into our daily lives, our children will mimic and internalize this behavior.   And, when they learn Tanach or even learn science or history, we need to make a conscious effort to point out the hand of Hashem. 

 Rav Aharon Lichtenstein, ztl, in his shiur on Bitachon: Trust in G-d  (Yeshivat Har Etzion Israel Koschitzky Virtual  Beit Midrash) discusses two types of בטחון. 

The first type is the optimistic  בטחון where they are “saturated with faith and hopeful expectations for the future.” The מאמין believes that with Hashem he can win every “battle” and “everything will be alright.” This is the type of belief when things are optimistically hopeful and things are moving in the right direction. 

       The second approach to בטחון does not “attempt to scatter the clouds of misfortune, try to raise expectations, or strive to whitewash a dark future.  It does not claim ‘it will work out for the best.’”  Instead, it is the belief that even if things do not turn out the way I want and the outcome is negative, I will always remain connected to Hashem and rely on Him.  This type of emunah may be similar to what those of us are going through right now while there is no cure for this pandemic in sight, but we still believe and know Hashem will be there for us.

      As we raise our children as believers not only do we raise them to believe when they trust the end result will be good. They need to also believe when the result may be bad.  

        Rav Lichtenstein, ztl, maintains that we have done a good job in our communities and homes in raising our children to have the first type of בטחון which is hopeful but we “neglected to teach the values of loving trust, of cleaving to G-d without hesitation under all circumstances. We did not fortify our children or ourselves concerning the possibility of crises, conveying that the song to G-d must be sung even on the rivers of Babylon… We taught our students about the ‘human comedy’ but never about the ‘human tragedy.’”  We need to do a better job in raising our children to trust in Hashem during tragic times. 

       We can all relate to this type of  בטחון during this time of COVID-19 when things are uncertain, and things actually may not be better soon. We realize how essential it is to weathering these times.  Sometimes we need to teach our children to say, “It will be difficult.  No miracle may be waiting around the corner. But, Hashem is always with me and He will support me no matter how hard it gets.”  And, our relationship with Hashem is like all relationships. There are times when we feel Him close by and times of distance. But, He is always there. 

Sarah Radcliffe, in her article “Helping Children Develop Faith” stresses the importance of first allowing children to express their anxieties and to never shut them down by saying things like “Don’t worry- G-d always protects us.” Although that statement is true, statements like that “should not be offered until you have helped the child address his or her frightened feelings. Fear causes cortical inhibition (a diminished capacity to process and utilize cognitive information), so providing education while the child is in a frightened state is usually useless. Moreover, trying to do so may be perceived as uncaring, which can harm the parent- child relationship.” 

Radcliffe speaks about the importance of accepting their fears and asking them to tell you about it, so that they feel you are there for them.  We then need to offer strategies to help them relax and calm their fears.  Once they are more relaxed, that is the time to offer statements about belief in G-d, tell stories about how G-d has helped you in the past, or even help them recognize the hand of G-d in their own lives.  She says, “Always help your child turn off fight-or-flight chemistry before talking about Divine Providence!”

I particularly appreciate how Radcliffe takes mental health strategies and incorporates belief in them. She calls them “fear busters”:

There are numerous ways to help calm a child’s mind and body. Here is a small selection:

• A child who worries is an expert at (negative) visualization. After the child has described his scary image of unfolding events, and you have accepted the worry with open arms, ask him to close his eyes and imagine everything working out just fine. Ask him to describe the positive events in his new “movie” to you. Ask him how the positive image makes him feel. Instruct him to repeat the exercise as often as possible and particularly when the scary story enters his mind.

• Another use of this visualization skill is to imagine G‑d’s divine protection and assistance in various ways. For example, “see” G‑d’s messengers, His protective angels, surrounding the bed when drifting off to sleep.

• Teach your child to use the breath to help calm the heart, which will then calm the brain, which, in turn, will release calming hormones to every cell of the body. There are numerous ways to breathe for this purpose, but a simple one is to breathe in normally and then breathe out slowly, thinking the number “one” on the out breath. To be effective in times of need, this breathing pattern needs to be practiced for one minute daily, forever. An ideal time for practice is at bedtime when falling asleep or in the morning just after awakening.

• The most powerful way to help children accept the reality of G‑d’s kindness is through your positive modeling. When you sound like you believe it, your kids will too!

Right before we blow the shofar on Rosh HaShana we proclaim our trust and faith in Hashem that He hears us when things are tough and answers us, as we recite words from Tehillim 118:5:

 “מִן־הַ֖מֵּצַֽר קָרָ֣אתִי קהּ עָ֜נָ֗נִי בַּמֶּרְחָ֣ב קהּ” From the straits I called God; God answered me with a vast expanse.  “קוֹלִי שָׁמָֽעְתָּ אַל תַּעְלֵּם אָזְנְךָ לְרַוְחָתִי לְשַׁוְעָתִי”  You have heard my voice; do not shut Your ear to my [prayer for] relief, to my cry.   It  reminds us that one goal of אלול and the ימים נוראים is to work on our אמונה and  and  בטחון and to relay that to our children.  Not only will it help us create a connection with Hashem, but it will also provide us with the strength we need to stay strong during these uncertain times.  

Advisory Update: 

Sixth Grade:  Students had the opportunity to debrief how their middle school experience is going so far through discussing issues like: 

1. What is the thing you are most enjoying about middle school so far?

2. Tell me one interesting thing you have learned.

3. What is the funniest thing that has happened to you this first week of school? 

4. What would you say is the biggest difference so far between 5th and 6th grade? 

5. What is one thing that you were worried about when you came to school that you now realize will be okay? 

6. What are some questions that you still have about middle school? 

7. Anything confusing you? 

8. What do you need to make this experience better? 

Seventh Grade:  Only our 7th grade girls had Advisory last week.  They began focusing on the theme of this year’s Advisory “Prepare yourself to change the world.” 

Eighth Grade:  Students focused on introduction to this year’s theme “Preparing for life after Yavneh” and got to know each other. 

Change And Successful Beginnings

            Welcome back to school and my weekly column! After a summer hiatus my weekly blog has returned. For those who are new to our Middle School, each week I write a blog through which I have the opportunity to highlight some insights from either events at school, from the Torah or from the world around us as they relate to parenting teens. I look forward to a year of connecting with you through this column. (And, I always enjoy feedback!) 

We have been anticipating this past week for some time now.  We, as faculty, have spent weeks and weeks preparing for your children.  While you are not presently able to enter the building to see the school in action, we can reassure you that the children were overall excited to come back and have jumped in ready to go. 

The Midrash Mechilta 19:5 states the famous, שכל התחלות קשות, “All beginnings are difficult.” Each new year brings with it a new transition and change is never easy. This year brought with it so many more changes, and we therefore held our breaths wondering how the start of this year would be.  

The root of the word קשה - difficult- can also be found in the word קושיה -question.  When we anticipate that things might be difficult, that is when we question, challenge and confront. And, that is exactly what we did here at Yavneh.  Weeks and weeks of meetings, and question after question, allowed us to design a re-entry to school that would be supportive, safe and even exciting for your children.  We were going to question, challenge and confront  the COVID-19 return to school head-on.  In this week’s column, I want to provide you with a sneak peek of what we did with the teachers and your children to do so. 

 One essential component of this preparation was the week we spent before the children arrived getting our teachers ready. We had sessions with psychologist Dr. Alex Alperin, a professor at Rutger University,  on understanding the strain and stress our children have gone through these past months, what to look for when they return and how to support them through this transition time.  We also had a session where teachers had the opportunity to reflect on what they themselves have gone through.  I asked them to assess and evaluate how they are feeling.  What were the professional or personal challenges they have faced these past months and how were they overcome?  What is something positive that they have learned or gained these past months?  What can they  take from this experience that they can apply to their a. classroom and b. life?   What kind of supports do they think they could use or need this coming year?  In essence, we were checking in on the teachers in the same way we want them to check in on their students.  

The first few days of your children’s return were spent on providing our students with a positive transition back to school. Positive is the key!   Our goal was not to dwell on the difficulties, but rather to reflect on the strength that we gained during this time.  Each class experienced  a fun outdoor Amazing Race activity, and an Orientation focusing on answering all their questions about how school would be this year.  They then each had an Advisory session where they reflected on    a. How difficult these months have been ( although this was not our main focus- as noted above!!)   b. How brave and resilient they have been and how they have faced challenges and stayed strong.     c.How we all have worries about returning to school- we are not alone.    d. How we can face any challenges the future might bring and together we can support each other. 

The session began with a trailer from a Marvel movie and a discussion about what is a superhero?  We then projected a slide of superheroes along with medical practitioners wearing masks which stated “superheroes wear masks.”  

What is the definition of a superhero now? Has their definition changed?  We then projected a slide with a boy with a mask along with superheroes which also said “superheroes wear  masks.”  

Who is identified as a superhero here?  Has their definition changed?   We discussed how “kids” can be superheroes or heroes too. They have been heroes the past number of months. We asked them to identify how they have been heroes- what made them heroic?   Some ideas of how they were heroes that were discussed were:  

A. Going through a tough time and withstanding it. 

B. Being brave- things were scary and yet they did not give up

C. Sacrificing things for others- to keep others safe too, i.e. mask wearing

D.  Strength of character- staying strong when things were difficult. We had to sacrifice so  much- we missed out on bar mitzvahs, graduations, missing our grandparents, missed school or even camp, but we were resilient. We knew we could do it and we did. 

We then led the students in a discussion based on a series of questions.  To facilitate these discussions we had created an interview video featuring student council members and middle school administrators sharing their answers to the questions,  serving as a trigger to the class discussion.  These are the questions we discussed:

Question #1- What is the best part about coming back to school? 

Question #2- What did you miss about school while you were away?  

Question #3- What is something POSITIVE that came out of these past months? 

Question #4- What have you learned about yourself and how have you grown these past months?  

Question #5- What was a challenge you faced the past months and how did you overcome it?  

Question #6- What makes you most nervous about coming back to school? 

Question #7: What has helped you reduce stress or worries in the past months? 

Question #8-  How can you help others during this time?  

Question #9-   What do you think others can do for you to support you this year? 

Question #10- How can you turn to Hashem to support you? 

Students discussed issues like being excited to see their friends in person, not being as bored, having structure and a schedule.  They said they had missed seeing their teachers in person and the fun activities in school. While they were home they did find that they spent more time with their family and had more free time.   While spending time with family was wonderful most of the time, some noted that there were times that they felt it was too  much family time!  Most students learned about themselves that they are less distracted in school as there were so many distractions at home.  Some actually learned that it was easier for them to focus on zoom as their friends were not around. They learned they need to separate more from their friends in class! Students learned how to organize their schedule and provide structure for themselves, even when there was so much free time.  They shared that while they were relieved to return to school they were worried about the unknowns and how things might change this year,  and how long it would take to get used to a regular day. 

The students were insightful, supportive of each other and most importantly happy to be back!  The focus of the session was “Hooray! We are back and we can do this!”

The words כל התחלות קשות appear in a midrash right before Bnai Yisrael are about to get the Torah. Rashi in Shemot 19:5 on the words וְעַתָּ֗ה אִם־שָׁמ֤וֹעַ תִּשְׁמְעוּ֙ בְּקֹלִ֔י And now, if you obey Me and keep My covenant, quotes that Mechilta and says

 ועתה: אם עתה תקבלו עליכם יערב לכם מכאן ואילך, שכל התחלות קשות

And now: If now you accept upon yourselves [the yoke of the commandments], it will be pleasant for you in the future, since all beginnings are difficult.

While keeping the mitzvot will not be easy, the sooner they start and the more they perform the mitzvot, the easier it will become and it will even become pleasant! They will enjoy performing mitzvot.  For the Jews it was the change that made it difficult for them. It was going from a lifestyle with which they were familiar to the unknown.  They even at times yearned for the days in Egypt- which were in actuality terrible for them. But, the known and the familiar is always more comfortable.  Beginnings and change can be hard, but if we do one mitzvah, says the midrash, “If a man listens to (keeps) one mitzvah, he is caused to keep to many mitzvot.”  The first step is the hard one.  Every change and new beginning has some inherent risk.  But, once one takes that first step, the steps that follow are easier and even eventually wonderful. 

 (While I am applying this message to our start of the school year, this is a beautiful thought to contemplate as we approach Rosh Hashana and the Teshuva process.  Self-change is also difficult to begin... but most definitely worth the effort. And, as we know, it says in  Shabbat 104a בָּא לִיטָּהֵר — מְסַיְּיעִים אוֹתוֹ- However, if he comes in order to become purified, they, in Heaven, assist him.   Once you initiate, G-d will help you). 

As we approached our new beginning of school this week, which carried with it much change, and took that difficult first step, I hope that our students got the message that “We can do this! We can face this challenge together one step at a time!”  We hope they know that we, the adults in their lives, are here for them along with their peers.  And, more importantly, while some things have changed, the things we love most about coming to Yavneh each day have stayed the same. 

All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Middle School At Yavneh

            For those of you who have been following my column each week, you will know that I generally write on Sunday.  This week I was busy at the most incredible 8th grade graduation.  If you were there or watched online you will agree how special the graduation was.  The 8th graders got the memorable moment for which they had hoped.  We will miss them!

            As I sat at graduation, I considered the famous selection written by Robert Fulghum  All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.   These are the life lessons that Fulghum suggests are essential for all, that can easily be gleaned from kindergarten. 

1. Share everything.

2. Play fair.

3. Don't hit people.

4. Put things back where you found them.

5. Clean up your own mess

6. Don't take things that aren't yours.

7. Say you're SORRY when you HURT somebody.

8. Wash your hands before you eat.

9. Flush.

10. Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.

11. Live a balanced life - learn some and drink some and draw some and paint some and sing and dance and play and work every day some.

12. Take a nap every afternoon.

13. When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.

14. Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that.

15. Goldfish and hamster and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup - they all die. So do we.

16. And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you learned - the biggest word of all - LOOK.

            All important life lessons.  Fulghum reminds us that we need to stop for a moment and absorb the life lessons that have been ingrained in us without us even realizing.  

            This week, however, I considered how “All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Middle School.”  

 First, this week our 8th graders shared at graduation, at a poignant ending presentation in which all the 8th graders spoke, some of the lessons they learned  at Yavneh. I like to call it: 

All I really need to know  I learned in Yavneh Academy Middle School

I learned HOW to learn.

I learned what it means to love and celebrate our faith.

I learned to be a part of a team.

I learned to be creative.

I learned about compassion.

I learned about strength.

I learned about the importance of chesed.

I learned how to speak up, and share my ideas.

I learned how to Zoom!

I learned how to be a good friend.

Recently, we all learned firsthand

that life doesn’t always go as planned.

But there is even a lesson in that.

A lesson about learning to adjust, and grow.

A lesson about being resilient.

We also learned, more than ever,

how much our teachers and administrators cared.

How they were there for us.

                I couldn’t have said it better myself! 

            Our 7th graders also had a chance to share what they learned in middle school this year in their last Advisory session yesterday.  They met with their advisors and created 7th Grade Time Capsules to be opened in 2030. The Time Capsules contained facts about this year and artifacts that characterized their 7th grade experiences. Inside was also  A Letter to My Future Self which included three pieces of wisdom they gained this year- three things they learned.  (They also included two memories from the COVID- 19 they will never forget, and one plan for changing the world around them-the theme of this year’s seventh grade Advisory).  We stressed that they are not to write things like  “I learned to divide. ” Rather, examples like “I learned that I am better at math than I thought” or  “I learned that there are some friends that are more loyal than others and it’s good to stick to those friends.”  We reminded them that they will open this time capsule ten years later and then they will see if those pieces of wisdom were truly internalized. 

            Some examples of All I really need to know I learned in 7th Grade at Yavneh  were: 

I learned that when a long-term project is assigned, to start it right away.

I learned that certain friends are not good for me, and best not to sit next to them during class.

I learned that I am hard on myself when it comes to being a perfectionist. I need to learn to not be so hard on myself.

I learned it’s better to approach a teacher when I am having problems in class rather than hoping they won’t notice.

I learned that everything I do affects those around me. 

I learned that I can change the world even though I am just a kid.

I learned to keep my cellphone outside the room while doing homework.

I learned that when a friend is in trouble I can go to an adult for help. 

I learned that it is time to grow up and take responsibility for what I do.

            These 7th graders learned so much of what we tried to relay to them this year. 

            Our sixth graders likewise had their last Advisory session yesterday where they were asked to choose five pieces of advice of how to succeed in middle school to share with our incoming sixth graders.  (Here is a sample!) 

All I really need to know I learned in 6th Grade at Yavneh

1.    If you miss notes, get them from a friend. Don’t just forget the notes.

2.    Locker advice- put your English stuff in your locker during Hebrew and put your Hebrew stuff in your locker during English.  Keep a copy of your schedule with you at the beginning of the year.

3.    Use your iPad for the right purposes- don’t get distracted by it. Use it, don’t abuse it. 

4.    Always write down your homework and not rely on parent locker.

5.    Pay attention in class. It gets you really far. 

6.    Don’t let your social life get in the way of good grades.

7.    Always include people in your groups. Don't let people feel left out, it's practically bullying.

8.    At a bat mitzvah, always thank the parents.

9.    If you're taking a test and get stuck on a question, skip it for now and go back to it later. You may want to put a note on the top of your page saying, "Go back to question 18!"

10. Girls: Manage your time- you will have a lot of Bat Mitzvahs.

11. When emailing to a teacher write:
Hi, ____________. I hope you are having a good evening.

(Message)
Thank you so much, 

12. Go to Dr. Frohlich if you have problems. Don’t hold it in. (My personal favorite...I had to include it!) 

Students in all three grades offered items that related to things they learned during this distance learning time:

            I learned that I prefer to learn in person than on zoom!

I learned that I miss Yavneh when I am not there. 

I learned that on zoom I am less distracted by my friends than in class.

I learned that I miss hearing the bells at school, as at home I have to remember when to go to the next zoom class!

I learned to appreciate my friends more.

I learned to wash my hands for the length of the Happy Birthday song.

I learned to call my grandparents more often! 
         I learned that if you are losing patience with a family member who you are spending A LOT of time with it's a good idea to take a break and calm yourself down. 

I learned that it’s kind of fun hanging out with my family and I like having my parents around more. 

                   It says in Avot 1:17   וְלֹא הַמִּדְרָשׁ הוּא הָעִקָּר, אֶלָּא הַמַּעֲשֶׂה  "It is not the learning that is important but the action."  Or as it says in Kiddushin 40b 
תלמוד גדול שהתלמוד מביא לידי מעשה "Learning is greater as it brings to action." I hope that all that our students have learned this year will be applied to their day to day actions.  

             And, when I think about it, we as educators learned so much this year as well.  In our meetings, we have discussed, are there things that we “learned”this year that we can and will stress more in our teaching during a “standard” year?  Most definitely. 

Here are my

 All I really need to know as an educator I learned this year at Yavneh

1.    Teach from a place of compassion and understanding. Things might be tougher at home than we know. 

2.    Not every learning method works for each child. Some children who struggled all year thrived during zoom. Some of our star pupils really had a hard time. 

3.    Consider who you call on and how you call on him/her.  During zoom classes it is so hard to ensure that all are engaged. It is the job of a teacher to engage all students at their individual comfort levels.  Some students were comfortable using the chat to answer questions, but wouldn’t raise their hand.  In “regular” class let’s make sure that all students have an opportunity to be heard- even the shy ones. 

4.    Check for understanding. The chat feature and virtual hand raising were a great way to ensure all are “getting” what’s going on. We need to make sure that we are checking the pulse of the classroom including those quiet students who are hesitant to self-advocate. 

5.    Reach out when concerned without blame.  When a student is not showing up to a zoom or missing work, direct contact to reach out with concern makes a difference. 

6.    Recording zoom classes helps some students. For some, class moves too quickly and they can benefit from being able to review class over again.  How to apply that to a regular classroom? 

7.    Our children need to socialize! We learned that chill zones, chesed events and game nights are so needed for all children… especially for those who may not have a “go-to” group. 

8.    There is nothing more important than checking in on our students.  Those zoom check-ins, or calls home help students feel cared for and help them realize that we are supporting them all the way. 

9.    Social- emotional learning is essential!  We brought Advisory back into our zoom learning and made sure it was a priority. The insights that our children shared during these sessions were quite remarkable. 

            And, as parents, we learned so much as well. To sum it up, I believe we learned the importance of structure, with flexibility.  We learned how special family time can be, as long as we have “self-care” time too. We learned how to tackle difficult conversations with our children, while helping them feel secure. And, we learned that we are true partners with school and together we can get our children through this difficult time. 

            Thank you for partnering with us this year- especially during the past few months. We hope that all of our children have learned or will learn much of what they need to know within our walls (or virtual walls).  Have a wonderful summer!

Advisory Update:

Sixth Graders: Students focused on cyberbullying, cyberexclusion and the importance of thinking before you post.  As noted above, they ended the year sharing tips for incoming sixth graders which will be collated into a Success Guide shared with the sixth graders at the beginning of the coming school year.

Seventh Graders:  - Students discussed whether it is alright to do nothing when you are concerned about a friend and when you should tell an adult?  As noted above, they ended the year creating their 7th Grade Time Capsules to be opened in 2030. 

Eighth Grade:  In their last Advisory session students had the opportunity to discuss how they were feeling about the unusual ending to their time at Yavneh and their mixed feelings about graduating. They discussed what excited them about high school and some of their worries.  This lesson was followed by a program with Yavneh alumni who just graduated high school to speak to them about what high school is really like, and provide a chance for questions.