Achieving Happiness Through Chanukah and Chinuch

  Recently I reread one of my favorite books, as my daughter was reading it and I decided to reread it with her. Happier written by Dr. Tal Ben Shahar (which I have quoted in my column before), is Ben Shahar’s perspective stemming from scientific research on how to achieve happiness.  His entire book is based on a thesis that happiness is:

In order to achieve happiness one’s actions must hold present  benefit- pleasure and future benefit- meaning.  Happiness= present benefit + future benefit. 

Ben Shahar spends most of the book discussing how we can bring ourselves to happiness in our lives. At one point, he focuses on education.  When it comes to education, says Ben Shahar, it is essential that we not only teach the  Three Rs, but also the fourth “R”- revelry.  “Teachers need to  create the conditions in school that will allow students to revel in learning, in growing, in life itself…Rather than helping students find meaningful and challenging goals and activities, rather than helping students experience the joy of learning, many educators are more concerned with getting students to score well on exams.”  I am proud to say that at Yavneh our teachers are hopefully focused on that joy. 

Ben Shahar then quotes psychologist Csikszentmihalyi who regrets that we as adults often make “serious tasks seem dull and hard, and frivolous ones exciting and easy.”   We need to figure out how to help our students feel joy in all aspects of learning, and not just the “frivolous” ones. 

But, that joy of learning and finding present benefit in learning is not something that is relegated to the schools alone.  We as parents are educators as well. 

Rav Samson Raphael Hirsch notes that the word Chanukah- dedication (commemorating the rededication of the Beit HaMikdash by the Maccabees),  has the same root as the word Chinuch- education- ח.נ.כ. Rabbi Elias Schwartz writes in his book “Veshinantam” quoting the Gerrer rebbe, that when we dedicate a new building or a new home, we are so excited about the fresh start and the new beginning. There is nothing more invigorating than that first day!  

The same needs to be said about Chinuch- education, and by that I specifically mean their Jewish education.  When we educate our children  we need to make sure to show that “first day” excitement.  In every Jewish practice we model for them we need o to incorporate  that excitement as if it was new!   We need to focus on all the meanings of  ח.נ.כ for ourselves as well when educating our kids.  Chinuch is also rededicating the old- renewal.  And, as parents we need to incorporate the excitement of something new into every day when it comes to educating our children about Judaism.  We need make Shabbos exciting, davening exciting and as if it is the first day. When our children see that we have chanukah (a new dedication)  in our chinuch, that is when they internalize what they learn.  

Some years ago, we hosted a Positive Jewish Parenting conference for the community at Yavneh Academy.  Rabbi J.J. Schachter delivered the keynote address on the topic of “The Romance We Pass On To Our Children.”  

Children of all ages must feel romance- a romance that only their parents can show them. Not the romance of love, (which is not particularly applicable for a young child), but rather romance for Judaism, as he quoted from Rabbi J.B. Soloveitchik. Rav Soloveitchik discussed how his father passed on halachic Judaism to him, but his mother passed on the “soul”- the experience- of Judaism. For Judaism is not just halachot and exegesis, but it is a romance. One must become wrapped up with Judaism, as one would with a romantic partner. It is the parent’s job to make sure that happens.

How does one ensure that the Judaism we relay is full of soul? Rabbi Shachter gave one poignant example, based on a footnote of the Rav. The Rav stated how many American Jews are “Shomrei Shabbat,” but very few are “Shomrei Erev Shabbat.” How many of us on Fridays are rushing around preparing for Shabbat and kvetching the whole way how hard it is to get ready for Shabbat? What picture do our children get about Shabbos- that it is a burden. Where is the excitement, “Shabbat is coming!”- the way a real Shomer Erev Shabbat should act. That is why Rabbi Schachter explained that he no longer wishes people “Have a good Shabbat” on Friday. Rather he wishes them to have “Good Erev Shabbat.” And the same goes with shul- the way we schlepp ourselves there clearly does not transmit an excitement for shul and davening. We can model that romance for davening to our children. 

If we do so, our children will find excitement and present benefit (pleasure) in their Shemirat HaMitzvot along with the future benefit  (meaning).  They will thereby achieve through our chinuch that happiness that Dr. Ben Shahar describes. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students focused on appropriate behavior at bar/bat mitzvahs.

Seventh Grade: As part of their unit on empathy, students videoed a performance for the Hackensack Homeless shelter and also focused on the power of kiddush Hashem. 

Eighth Grade:  Students continued with their parent- child relationship unit.

TikTok or Tick Tock?

  This past summer I was in Monsey shopping. I was standing on line and noticed two children, one I’d say about 6 and one about 3. The 3 year old was kvetchy and getting upset and impatient. The six year old girl turned to him to try to distract him. She said to him “Do you want to hear a TikTok?” I was shocked! First, I was even surprised that this little girl had a phone, never mind TikTok social media!  How could that be?  And, then I see her take her wrist, which was wearing an analog watch (with hands!), and she put it next to the little boy’s ear, and even I could hear the “tick tock” (with a “ck”)  sound coming from the watch.  The boy listened and was soothed.  

This was a true story, and the moment it happened the first thing I said to myself,  “This is going to be for a column!”  The next thing I thought about is how sad it is that most of the children in our lives would never be soothed by listening to the “tick tock” of a watch. In fact, how many of us hand our phones over to our “kvetchy” children to watch videos when we see them losing it while waiting in line?   I remember the good old days when I would sit in the doctor’s waiting room with my children and I would read to them, or we would play a game.  Now, all the children are sitting there on a device-usually their parent’s.  You have heard it all before…children are unable to self-soothe without a device. And, we, the adults, do not even attempt to soothe them without devices. This little girl’s innocent “tick tock” made me feel sad about where we are today. 

This story also made me think about the TikTok that our teens are engaged in today.  One might ask what prompted me to write about TikTok this week when our students have been using it for years?  Recently, we had two bullying situations on TikTok which truly saddened me, and it served as the impetus for me to think about how parents need a reminder about the dangers of TikTok. 

From Common Sense Media: 

Parents need to know that TikTok is a social network for sharing user-generated videos, many of which feature music and sound effects. The app involves a lot of songs, and you can expect swearing and sexual content in some. Though videos viewed during the review process contained only some tight/revealing clothing, depending on which accounts users follow and what content they like, it's possible to encounter sexually suggestive and explicit material.

Here are some of their ratings on the app that truly concern me:

Our teens are exposed to much inappropriate content- through no fault of their own, when using TikTok.  Now, you might say that there is a curated version of the app for under 13. Experts recommend not to use it as the Institute for Family Studies notes that  TikTok offers  a curated version of their app for under-13s. Don’t use it. That watered-down version is designed to fuel interest in the grown-up version. Twelve-year-olds don’t like to be on the kiddie version of anything. And tweens quickly figure out that if they lie about their age, they can easily access the full version. 

I know I may be sharing with you information you might already know, but aside from the inappropriate content there are also the physically dangerous, criminal or even deadly challenges that are rampant on TikTok- like putting metal in a socket causing fires, or the skull breaker challenge causing real harm. And, there are challenges that involve sexually inappropriate behaviors. 

Of the more than a billion users, TikTok is most popular among teens under the age of 16. And, it is addictive like all social media and teens are spending on average 102 minutes per day on TikTok (more than Youtube). 

  And, yes, you might say,  our children are using TikTok positively too- to just enjoy a dance with their friends, to learn new Miami Boys Choir songs (for those who are unaware a 2007 performance of theirs got 8 million views by Jews and non- Jews), and even to learn new things or stand up for what is right by educating others.  

As with anything our children are doing on their devices, we need to be vigilant and monitor their device usage. If you are unsure how to do that effectively, please do contact our technology department who are willing and able to hold your hand to help you learn to do so. (Click HERE FOR A LINK  to a handout Mr. Jason David, our Director of Technology, shared with me about TikTok).    And, of course, discuss the dangers with your children and watch for signs that your child is spending too much time on TikTok and social media in general.

Before I end I want to get back to the discussion of the other Tick Tock.  While most of our students no longer know how to tell time on an analog clock and ask to use only digital, I still maintain the importance of teaching children to tell time on an old-fashioned clock. Primarily, it is easier to visualize time on an analog clock. What does twenty minutes to 2:00 mean?  It helps them understand the passage of time better. 

This week in our Homeroom Organizational Skills classes with our sixth graders we discussed the “time bandit” who often steals our time. “The Time Bandit gets into the parts of your brain that keep track of time. It confuses you, so you lose track of how much time you have left before you need to do something or how much time has passed while you’re working. These tricks often get you into trouble; you might end up being late to school and have trouble fitting in the work you have to do each evening.” One item that stands in their way is their inability to predict how long something will take them to do.  Their sense of time is off. We will be working on that in class, but believe it or not, an understanding of time does come along with that analog clock usage. 

(Interesting to note,  the students unanimously agreed something that “steals” their time is their technology usage. Before they know it, they are on TikTok or Youtube for hours). 

It says in Avot 2:15, 

רַבִּי טַרְפוֹן אוֹמֵר, הַיּוֹם קָצָר וְהַמְּלָאכָה מְרֻבָּה,

Rabbi Tarfon said: the day is short, and the work is plentiful

When students have no sense of time, the day is always too short and the work is always too plentiful.  When they have a better sense of time, their day is long enough and the work is manageable. 

As middle school parents we need to try to help our children manage both the TikToks  and the tick tocks in their lives.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students had the chance to “switch places” with their teachers and understand the teachers’ perspectives. 

Seventh Grade:  Students learned the skills of empathy

Eighth Grade: Students began a unit on the parent- child relationship.

Hallel on Thanksgiving?

        This year Thanksgiving is also Rosh Chodesh.  (Those who need not wake up earlier for the longer Rosh Chodesh davening due to the day off have an additional  reason to be thankful  this Thursday!) 

The co-occurrence of Rosh Chodesh and Thanksgiving led me to consider what those two holidays have in common,  and what we can learn from their falling out on the same day this year.  (Not as exciting as a Thanksgivukkah, I know, but still something to note). 

 Rosh Chodesh is a day of reciting Hallel. If one looks through Hallel one can see that it is replete with the giving of thanks to Hashem.  Here is just a small sampling (Note:  Hallel is a mix of praise and thanks, and praise is clearly a form of thanks even when it does not include the word “thanks”). 

פִּתְחוּ לִי שַׁעֲרֵי צֶדֶק. אָבֹא בָם אוֹדֶה קהּ

. Open up for me the gates of righteousness; I will enter them, thank the Lord

אוֹדְךָ כִּי עֲנִיתָנִי. וַתְּהִי לִי לִישׁוּעָה

I will thank You, since You answered me and You have become my salvation

הוֹדוּ לַה' כִּי טוֹב. כִּי לְעוֹלָם חַסְדּוֹ

Thank the Lord, since He is good, since His kindness is forever

כִּי לְךָ טוֹב לְהוֹדוֹת. וּלְשִׁמְךָ נָּאֶה לְזַמֵּר

Since, You it is good to thank, and to Your name it is pleasant to sing

So, in essence Rosh Chodesh- a day of Hallel, and Thanksgiving have similar themes- that of thanks. 

 I recently came across an article which states that Congregation Shearith Israel in New York does say Hallel on Thanksgiving- even when it is not Rosh Chodesh. (I am not paskening halacha here, but sharing their shul’s practice).    Shearith Israel was established in 1654, also known as the Spanish Portuguese Synagogue, in what was then New Amsterdam by a group escaping the Portuguese inquisition, and was the first shul established in North America.  

In 2013, when Thanksgiving fell out during Chanukah, Rabbi Meir Soloveichik, the rabbi of  Shearith Israel, wrote an article in the Wall Street Journal  “God Delivered the Pilgrims- and My People.”  In this article Rabbi Soloveichik notes that in 1789 the first national Thanksgiving was proclaimed by the President. At that time,  the leader of the shul, Gershom Mendes Seixas, proclaimed that in gratitude to the freedom they were granted in America, their shul will be reciting Hallel every Thanksgiving. 

 These were his words:

 "As Jews, we are even more than others called upon to return thanks to God for placing us in such a country—where we are free to act according to the dictates of conscience, and where no exception is taken from following the principles of our religion.”

In Mendes- Seixas’ words he states that  the thanks expressed on Thanksgiving should be turned to God.  

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks, ztl,  in his article “The Power of Gratitude” notes that a significant component of having true gratitude/ thankfulness is that recognition of God in our lives. “Part of the essence of gratitude is that it recognizes that we are not the sole authors of what is good in our lives… Though you don’t have to be religious to be grateful, there is something about belief in God as creator of the universe, shaper of history and author of the laws of life that directs and facilitates our gratitude. It is hard to feel grateful to a universe that came into existence for no reason and is blind to us and our fate. It is precisely our faith in a personal God that gives force and focus to our thanks.”

And, that is why, says Rabbi Sacks, that it is no coincidence that Thanksgiving was established as a day  “recognizing the presence of God in American history.”  He then goes on to quote the words of Abraham Lincoln on Thanksgiving of 1863:

No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy … I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States … to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens.

So, in its early years, Thanksgiving was established as a day of gratitude to Hashem! 

I have mentioned many times in this column the research-based data on the positive impact of gratitude on both psychological and physical health.  Being thankful leads to more resilience in face of stress, happiness, hope, less depression and even longer and healthier lives.  So, we clearly want to all practice that gratitude- we all want those benefits!  

Combining gratitude of Thanksgiving with the gratitude to Hashem, of the Hallel is one way to make that happen. 

Christopher Kaczor in his Washington Post article “Does belief in God enhance gratitude? Here’s what psychology suggests” quotes Dr. Robert Emmons from his book Thanks! How Practicing Gratitude Can Make You Happier.   Dr. Emmons notes that gratitude that leads to happiness must have three components that are recognized by the one who is thankful:

 “ 1. That one has been the beneficiary of someone’s kindness 2. That the benefactor has intentionally provided a benefit 3. That the benefit has value in the eyes of the beneficiary.” 

It consequently makes sense that  the research indicates that those who believe in God and realize that their lives are not mere chance (intentional) , but are a result of God’s care (beneficiary of His kindness) and see that all that happens to them as a gift of God (benefit has value), would be happier.   It, therefore, does make sense that belief in God is one predictor of happiness.

In being thankful this Thanksgiving the opportunity to say Hallel reminds us that being thankful to Hashem is an important component of achieving true gratitude. But, we need not wait until a random year where Thanksgiving and Hallel coincide. We are reminded of this daily, as Rabbi Sacks says, “Jewish prayer is an ongoing seminar in gratitude.” He notes starting from Modeh Ani in the morning, our daily prayers- whether birchot hashachar, pesukei d’zimrah or even the Shemoneh Esrei “form a litany of thanksgiving for life itself.” We need not wait for that Hallel on Rosh Chodesh. 

Dr. Tal Ben Shahar (whom I have quoted many times before!) was a professor at Harvard famous for his course on  Happiness based on scientific research and practical strategies to achieve happiness. In his book Happier Dr. Ben Shahar promotes keeping a gratitude journal and writing down five things each day before you go to bed to lead to happiness. (This is actually an assignment he gave to his students in Harvard as part of their classwork).  We cannot wait for Thanksgiving to work on our gratitude.  If we put this into practice with our own children at home, perhaps we would add, what are we thankful to Hashem for in our daily lives? 

On this Thanksgiving as Rosh Chodesh Hallel is recited, let us focus with our children on all they have to be thankful for, and remember to point out to them Hashem’s role in bringing all those positives to our lives. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students had an opportunity to “switch places” with their teachers in imagining what it is like to be a teacher in order to understand the teacher-student relationship better.

Seventh Grade: Students focused either on a lesson on anger management or began the next unit in Advisory - Operation Respect, on empathy.  

Eighth Grade: Students did a unit on Test-taking strategies. 

Hosting An Open House In Your Home

  We at Yavneh Academy recently hosted our Open House for prospective parents where we proudly showcased all that we deem to be dear to us at Yavneh. For those of us who have 8th graders, we have spent much of the past weeks attending open houses where the local high schools were able to showcase their accomplishments as well.  

Putting together an open house is quite a lot of work, and is most definitely an event a host school does not want to do more than once a year.  But, there are two components of the open house that I believe are necessary and integral for every school’s success and the open house forces us to engage in those two endeavors.

1. The open house forces us to assess- what are our values? What does our school stand for?  What is important to us? What do we want to ensure our children leave these walls knowing and inculcating into their lives? 

2.  The open house forces us to evaluate our progress. We uncover  areas in which we have improved (which we clearly showcase!). A by-product of that evaluation  is our ability to uncover areas in which we still need some improvement.  We thereby have the opportunity to rejoice in our achievements, which is so essential for school morale and for continuing that growth. But, we also have time to introspect and think about what we want to improve on so that by next year’s open house we can report that at Yavneh this is an area of pride.   On one hand we need to recognize our growth, while on the other hand, humbly working on self-improvement. 

Another by-product of the open house is creating an “open house”- stressing that EVERYONE has a place here at Yavneh. We teach so many different types of students and families and welcome all in. 

Open house season fits in perfectly with Parshat Vayeira as we know that Avraham had a tent with four doors- open to all. Everyone was invited into Avraham’s home- all types of visitors.  And, what type of open house did Avraham showcase? One of chesed. 

So, we at our schools showcase our values at our open houses, as did Avraham. And, also brings to us a yearly “self-evaluation” where we consider where we want to improve. 

 This brought me to thinking. What if we had to have an “open house” at our homes. Not the kind that a real estate agent runs to sell our homes- not that kind of open house- but what if we had to showcase our values, what we are proud of and what our family stands for, just like a school does?  What would the Frohlich Family open house look like? What are our values? 

For whom is this open house being held? For our own children, of course. We aren’t trying to recruit new people into our family, but we are trying to recruit our children into living our family values.  

How? The Center for Parenting Education highlights some techniques on their website:.  1. Moralizing.  This is more often used when kids  are younger and we very directly tell them what our values are through teaching. Long preachy lectures are not helpful. It is better to do direct teaching in small spurts.  “I expect you to tell the truth.”  “When I go out of my way to study with you each day, I expect you to say thank you.”  It is important not to overdo moralizing, as as children get older they will tune out if we go on and on.  But, moralizing is still important. 

2. Modeling- the parent acts with that value in front of the child. When you leave a supermarket and you realize that there is an item you neglected to pay for and you turn around to go back in to pay and you say to your child “It would be stealing if I took it without paying” you are thereby modeling a value.  Children are influenced by the values they see their parents acting upon. 

I do believe it is key to discuss the value after you have modeled it so they get the point. 

And, of course, if we tell them to live by a certain value, but we ourselves do not act that way, “do as I say not as I do” that value will never be inculcated. 

3. Teachable moments- this is a third technique that I often stress.  Find those opportunities- whether after watching a movie, hearing a story with a peer or even witnessing something firsthand to clarify why that is or is not our values, and what our values are.  “Why do you think what that person did was wrong or right?” “What would you have done?”  When we see our children behaving in a way that represents a value, then label it. “I see you were willing to share your time on the computer with your brother and you were generous.” 

By telling our children what we value, modeling it, finding those teachable moments to discuss we relay our values.   But, of course, just like Yavneh did in our open house, first you have to identify what your values are and what you want to relay to your children- along with your spouse. 

  For those who have been reading my column for some time, you will recognize that this is my opportunity to bring up my favorite Gemara regarding Yoseph, Yaakov and parenting. When Yoseph was in the house of Potiphar, far from home and his family, he faced the difficult situation of the wife of Potiphar. The Gemara in Sotah 36b describes, “It was taught in the School of R. Ishmael: That day was their feast-day, and they had all gone to their idolatrous temple; but she had pretended to be ill because she thought, I shall not have an opportunity like to-day for Joseph to associate with me. And she caught him by his garment, saying etc. At that moment his father's image came and appeared to him through the window and said: 'Joseph, your brothers will have their names inscribed upon the stones of the ephod and yours amongst theirs; is it your wish to have your name expunged from amongst theirs and be called an associate of harlots?' Immediately his bow abode in strength.”

Clearly Yoseph's father was far away in Canaan- how could he have seen the image of his father Yaakov in the window? That image of Yaakov that he saw was the voice in his head. Over and over he had heard his father say, “Good boys don't act that way. In our family, our values are...” And, of course, like any teenager, (Yoseph was just 17 when he went to Egypt), he said to his dad, “I know, I know- why do you keep on telling me the same thing?!” And, yet, Yaakov continued sending those messages. That is why, when faced with a challenge to his morality, he heard that voice in his head.

So, some of you might have been reading this article and saying to yourself that when we have our frequent “talks” with our children they say to us, “I know, I know- enough already!” And, yet when they are faced with challenges, whether peer pressure to do the wrong thing or the temptation to engage in any at-risk behavior, or even the temptation to skip their homework, they will hear our voices in their head, and practically see our images before them reminding them of what they should do. At the end of the day, if we do a good job at relaying our values, they will remember them and act upon them. 

As we are all planning our family open houses- considering what values we want to relay and what our family stands for, we cannot forget that  during the planning stages of this open house we also have to do just what we at Yavneh do each year- in what areas has our family improved? In what areas do we still need to grow?  Good luck planning your open house…and don’t forget the swag! 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students discussed appropriate behavior and manners as students in a classroom. 

Seventh Grade: Students debriefed their Frost Valley trip and considered what they gained.  They also had the opportunity to practice their listening skills

Eighth Grade: Students discussed the importance of “goodness.” 

Human Beings Or Human Doings?

 

Phew! For those of us who just came off a wonderful Yom season, we took a moment to take a breath after all that cooking, preparing and sukkah building (and taking down!)  And, yet, we didn’t breathe for too long as the next day we went back to school, and errands, and homework, and meetings and carpools,  and the constant work of our busy lives.  

I recently read a question to psychologist Dr. Sarah Chana Radcliffe which I think says it all, “I’m a mother and I feel guilty a lot.  I know that these years with my children are precious…, but right now I’m constantly in a state of doing rather than just being.  I’m wondering if you would be able to give me some guidance and tips on how to become a more present wife and mother and how not to feel guilty when I don’t have the patience or time to just be with my children (preferring instead to take care of things on my to-do list). “

Dr. Radcliffe  responds that this is a problem that many of us have. We are “human doings”  instead of “human beings.”  We can never stop doing.  She quotes from a book called The Joy of Doing Nothing by Rachel Jonat.  Doing nothing does not mean not accomplishing or doing activities. It is a mindset where you have the “freedom to just be present for a while without striving or accomplishing.”  You can just sit with your child and put aside all the to-do lists and enjoy the moment.  Dr. Radcliffe calls this adding “still-time” to your life. 

And, this does not mean dropping everything off your to-do list.  It means bringing yourself fully into the moments you are with your family.  Look at them. Talk to them. Really listen.  When you focus your full attention to your children, you will enjoy them more.  As my children get older and are slowly leaving home for Israel and college I appreciate this wisdom even more.

These words truly struck home as we launched our Living Connected technology campaign with the shuls and schools.  In today's world of personal devices it is so much harder to fully focus on the moments with family.  In fact, when we hosted over 200 7th grade girls from local yeshivot for our Living Connected program, Rabbi Knapp introduced the program with a conversation he had with Officer Sal. He shared that Officer Sal once shared with him that one of his favorite times is getting together with family on Thanksgiving. However, to his chagrin, nowadays everyone seems to be on his/her phone the whole meal. We are so lucky, commented Rabbi Knapp, that we have Shabbos and Yom Tov where family must put aside the phones and truly engage with one another.  And, he also quoted one of the guards at a local shul who noted how amazing it was that all these teenagers were entering the Synagogue without any devices.  He wishes that his teens had a bit of freedom from technology. 

There is a flyer that is hanging in all the shuls and schools, which was also in The Jewish Link  which challenges members of the community to pick one action listed in order to live more connected to others this year. The first option is “I will create a 30-minute device-free time each evening to give my family my undivided attention.” 

We are so focused on worrying about the unlimited technology time of our children. (which is a serious problem!) that we ignore the toll that our screen time is taking on our relationship with them. Erika Chritakis in her article “The Dangers of Distracted Parenting” writes,  When it comes to children’s development, parents should worry less about kids’ screen time—and more about their own.  More and more there are “tuned-out” parents.  The engagement between parents and children is increasingly low quality. And, parents are less “emotionally attuned.”  While the children are spending more time on screens, the adults are suffering by what Linda Stone calls, “continuous partial attention “ which Stone says is the antithesis of the parental- interaction style which is best called “responsive communication.”   

A research study observed 55 caregivers eating with their children in fast-food restaurants.  40 of the adults were absorbed in their phones with some almost entirely ignoring their children. The children then, of course, engaged in attention-seeking behaviors. 

And, it is not only the children who are suffering, notes Chritakis, Of course, adults are also suffering from the current arrangement. Many have built their daily life around the miserable premise that they can always be on—always working, always parenting, always available to their spouse and their own parents and anyone else who might need them, while also staying on top of the news, while also remembering, on the walk to the car, to order more toilet paper from Amazon. They are stuck in the digital equivalent of the spin cycle.

Phew! That’s exactly how I feel. Do you feel it too?  

So, it does not matter what you do with your child. But, when you are with him/her, put down the phone. Be entirely present. 

In Shemot 24:12 Hashem says to Moshe, 

עֲלֵ֥ה אֵלַ֛י הָהָ֖רָה וֶֽהְיֵה־שָׁ֑ם

Come up to Me to the mountain and be there

Why the added words “and be there”? Of course he will be there? The Kotzker rebbe notes that it reminds all of us that in whatever we are engaged in we need הְיֵה־שָׁ֑ם - to be fully present and there. To truly be there.

    

                The term יישוב הדעת means peace of mind. Notice the word יישוב sitting.  One needs to be able to just sit and be without any distractions to achieve that peace of mind and tranquility. 

So, there is a two-pronged benefit to becoming human beings instead of human doings. We feel a bit more relaxed without multi-tasking at all times. We also can then live truly connected to our children. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students began a unit on manners and appropriate behavior by focusing on some common “rude” behaviors we all engage in.

Seventh Grade:  As part of their Teambuilding and Communication unit students focused on Active listening skills

Eighth Grade: Students learned some real-life interview skills. 

Advisory for Parents?!?

         Our 7th graders are excited about their visit to Frost Valley this week.  When we speak to 8th graders they often share that  Frost Valley is a highlight of their Yavneh experience. But, in order to make the most of this experience we prepare them for teambuilding and communication skills in Advisory the weeks before.  We want them to leave this fun-filled three-day experience with real skills for life.  

One such skill we focus on is that of “active listening.”   Students learn the steps to active listening:

1. Look at the other person.

2. Focus all your attention towards what the person is saying.  

3. Indicate you are listening  by saying things like “uh huh,” “really?” or “yes” in the right places.

4.  Don't interrupt, correct mistakes, give advice or tell your own story.

5.  Give the person time to speak. When there's silence for a moment, don't immediately fill the space.

6.  Repeat/ restate what you have heard ex. “So, your problem is that I never clean my room?”

7.  Validate what they said- letting them know you get what they are saying. ex. “That must have been really awful.”

And, of course, the students get the chance to practice this skill in Advisory with other students in class. 

I often wish that we as parents could have an Advisory class to work on parenting skills. And, if we were to have a “Parenting Advisory” class it would involve the skill of Active Listening. I myself wrote these lessons on Active Listening and still find myself not utilizing it effectively with my own children. 

For example, when your child says, “No, I don’t want to shut the TV and do my homework!”  instead of responding “You need to do your homework or you’ll fail and the TV is a distraction!”  you would  first say “You seem upset you need to stop watching TV and do your homework. You were having so much fun.”  (Okay, maybe in a less hokey manner).  The most essential part of parent-child communication is that our children first feel understood. 

The first step is listening with focus. In today’s world with the constant distraction of our phones and technology we really need to work on that focus.  We need to demonstrate that we are interested in our body language- are we leaning closer to them or are we checking the clock?  Lean forward with your head inclined. Nod your head often. We also have to listen mindfully - only focusing on the here and now and not judging what they are saying based on what they have done in the past. 

I find not giving advice the hardest part of active listening as I may actually have good advice.  If my child wants advice, I need to wait until he/she asks for it at the end.  Parenting comes after the listening. 

The research actually supports the importance of active listening.  In the Journal of Experimental Child Psychology  a research study called “Parental Listening When Adolescents Self- Disclose : A Pre-Registered Experimental Study” wanted to assess how good listening would impact the parent- teen relationship.  It is important to note that all conversations involved teens disclosing topics that would be a source of conflict between the parents and teens.  (Vaping etc.) They found that the over 1000 teens in the study indicated that good listening: 

A Increased their feelings of autonomy

B.  Increased a sense of connectedness to parents 

C. Enhanced their sense of wellbeing

D.  Led to a higher rate of self-disclosure in subsequent conversations

As you can see, while all of these results are important and desired, I bolded the fourth outcome, as our goal as parents to get our teens to tell us things that are on their minds!!! And, we want them to tell us things that they did wrong or worries they have, in addition to positives that they know we will love to hear.  

When it comes to at-risk behavior, the best way to prevent our teens from engaging in this behavior is to make it clear that we will ALWAYS listen without judgment and we are ALWAYS  here for them. The better we are at doing that, the more they will self-disclose, even when they are worried they or their friends might get in trouble. 

In this past week’s parasha, Hashem, Avinu Malkeinu, as a parent modelled for us this strategy of  Active Listening. In Bereishit 3:9, He says to Adam:

וַיִּקְרָ֛א ה אֱלֹקים אֶל־הָֽאָדָ֑ם וַיֹּ֥אמֶר ל֖וֹ אַיֶּֽכָּה:

And the Lord God called to man, and He said to him, "Where are you?"

Did Hashem not know where Adam was?! Of course He did!  He could have very easily called out to Adam, “ Adam! You are in big trouble!! Why did you eat from the tree?” 

And, later in pasuk 13 he turns to Chava and says: מַה־זֹּ֣את עָשִׂ֑ית What is this that you have done?"  Again, Hashem clearly knew!

But, as their parent, He non-judgmentally asked questions, waiting for their explanations, giving them time to speak and self-disclose.

Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks in his article “The Spirituality of Listening” wrote: 

One fascinating modern example came from a Jew who, for much of his life, was estranged from Judaism, namely Sigmund Freud. He called psychoanalysis the “speaking cure,” but it is better described as the “listening cure.”8 It is based on the fact that active listening is in itself therapeutic. It was only after the spread of psychoanalysis, especially in America, that the phrase “I hear you” came into the English language as a way of communicating empathy.9

There is something profoundly spiritual about listening. It is the most effective form of conflict resolution I know. Many things can create conflict, but what sustains it is the feeling on the part of at least one of the parties that they have not been heard. They have not been listened to. We have not “heard their pain.” There has been a failure of empathy. That is why the use of force – or for that matter, boycotts – to resolve conflict is so profoundly self-defeating. It may suppress it for a while, but it will return, often more intense than before. Job, who has suffered unjustly, is unmoved by the arguments of his comforters. It is not that he insists on being right: what he wants is to be heard. Not by accident does justice presuppose the rule of audi alteram partem, “Hear the other side.”

Rabbi Sacks continues that just like we say “Shema Yisrael” we listen to Hashem- our relationship with Hashem is an “ongoing tutorial” to our relationship with others. 

I am lucky that I get to engage in our Advisory curriculum and every so often remind myself to apply it to my parenting and my family life.  Always feel free to reach out to your children to hear what they are learning about in Advisory! Maybe, we, the adults, can learn a thing or two from them. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students concretized their goals for their sixth grade year.  

Seventh Grade: Students focused on the skills of effective communication with I versus You messages and assertive communication.

Eighth Grade;  Students were introduced to the high school application process and what to look for in a school.