The Lessons of Inclusion and "Behold"

 “Hiney ma tov u'manaim shevet achim gam yachad.” “Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brothers to to dwell together in unity.” The words of Tehillim 133:1 were on our minds this past Shabbat's Yavneh -Yachad Shabbaton. The name of the organization Yachad explains its mission- the inclusion of every member of the Jewish community. In fact, February is National Inclusion Month. One can clearly see the benefit for our students as they work with the Yachad members. It creates a sensitivity and caring that cannot be taught. (And, it is no coincidence that we hold this Shabbaton each year at the shul called Ahavat Achim. We thank the community for opening their homes and shul, and showing our students what true unity is about).

There is also the message of “Hiney” “Behold” that our students learned this weekend. What is this lesson? The secret to this lesson is found in pasuk 2 in Mizmor 133, where it states, “As the good oil on the head runs down upon the beard, the beard of Aaron, which runs down on the mouth of his garments.” What does Aharon's beard have to do with brothers sitting in unity?

Interestingly enough, in a shiur I was privileged to share this past Shabbat, we discussed the reaction of Moshe when Hashem shared with him that he would be the leader to take the Jews out of Egypt. In Shemot 3:10, Moshe asks Hashem instead to send Aharon, as Rashi points out in 10:14, as he was afraid that Aharon would be resentful that his “little brother” was chosen instead of him. But, Hashem responds in Shemot 4:14 that “Behold, he is going out to meet you and when he sees you, he will rejoice in his heart.” There will be no jealousy, but only happiness for his brother. Aharon was able to overcome the sibling rivalry that many children and adults feel. But, still Moshe refused to take the leadership position for seven days. He was therefore punished that he would not be the Kohen Gadol, as was the original plan. His brother Aharon would play that role.

This transferring of the High Priesthood to his brother is born out this week's parasha. The entire Parasha of Tetzaveh does not even mention Moshe's name. It is in this parasha that Aharon was chosen to begin the kehunah, and it is as if Moshe symbolically is stepping aside to allow his brother to have the limelight. In Tehillim “like precious oil upon the head...” is referring to when Moshe annointed his brother as Kohen Gadol. Rabbi Mordechai Willig points out that the Midrash Vayikra 3:6 highlights that the word “beard” is repeated since “when Moshe saw the oil on Aharon's beard, he rejoiced as if it was running down his own. Moshe reciprocated Aharon's expression of joy and lack of jealousy.”

Rabbi Willig continues to point out that the word “behold” is used above when Aharon was joyful with Moshe's leadership, (Shemot 4:14), and also when Hashem shared with Aharon, "Behold I have given you the gift of kehuna," (Bamidbar 18:8). And, then again in Tehillim “Behold, how good and pleasant is the dwelling of brothers together.” “Behold" (Hineh) is an expression of joy, as in 'Behold...he will rejoice in his heart'(Rashi)... This is the meaning of the expression 'Behold.' One must recognize that his lot is ordained by Hashem, and be happy with it. Everyone will be called by name, set in place and given a position. No one shall encroach upon your wealth or kingdom, even for as much as a hairsbreadth (Yoma 38b-39a)... 'behold', describes the joy of these two great brothers, Moshe and Aharon. It also challenges all of us to eliminate jealousy and to happily accept the lot that Hashem has ordained for each and every one of us. Only then will we all be able to dwell as brothers in unity. How good and pleasant will it be!”

 (In fact,  new research indicates that true friendship does not only mean being "there" when a friend has trouble to support him/her.   A true friend is able to be "there" for you when things are going right for you- without any jealousy. It's the ability, as we say in Yiddish and Hebrew,  to "fargin" the other having better than you. And, even more so, the research continues that the" happiest people are the ones who are present when things go right for others—and whose own wins are regularly celebrated by their friends as welll").

The message of “behold” is one our students receive when they interact with the Yachad members. Despite having developmental disabilities, the sheer happiness these children have reflects the ability to “happily accept the lot that Hashem has ordained for each and every one of us.” It puts it all into perspective for our typically developing students, as they realize the importance of being happy with their lots in life. As Rabbi Willig said, “ Everyone will be called by name, set in place and given a position.” In a community that believes in and practices inclusion, everyone does have a place. As parents, we need to constantly remind ourselves and our children of the lessons of “behold”- how lucky we are and how thankful we are to Hashem for granting us the lot we were given. “Eizehu ashir, hasameach b'chelko” “Who is rich? One who is happy with his lot.” (Avot 4:1) Isn't raising happy children our goal?

Advisory Updates:

Sixth Graders- Discussed the differences between spoken (direct) and unspoken (indirect) peer pressure.

Seventh Graders- Discussed resiliency and the skills needed for resiliency.

Eighth Graders- Continued practical discussions about cheating and the high stakes and pressures many students face in school.

The Super Bowl and Resiliency

 “They told me it couldn't be done that I was a lost cause. I was picked on and picked last. Coaches didn’t know how to talk to me. They gave up on me. Told me I should just quit. They didn’t call my name. Told me it was over. But I’ve been deaf since I was 3, so I didn’t listen.” These are the words of Seattle Seahawk's Derrick Coleman in a Duracell commercial. He is the first legally deaf football player to make it to the Superbowl.

Coleman's appearance in today's Superbowl fit in perfectly with our 7^th grade Advisory Unit on Resiliency- “When Life Gives You Lemons.” Despite being rejected at first, he did not give up. Coleman describes that until he started playing football he was taunted and bullied. And, of course, the hours with audiologists and language therapists learning how to read lips and navigate in the world at large was intense. One can only imagine the amount of effort and persistence it takes for him to play football and understand what the coaches and players need from him. All those who work with him state that there is never any difficulty.

From where does resilience like Coleman's come? His teammates maintain that he has two survival skills- concentration and focus, and “whatever it takes.” All success takes hard work- and Coleman does not shy away from it. Coleman stresses, “If you really want something, you find a way to make it happen....People with disabilities should never make excuses for why they cannot achieve their goals...I just have to work a little harder.”

Those who know Coleman well say that he never has a bad day. Coleman agrees that he tends to have that optimistic point of view. "That's just the way I approach my life," Coleman said. "Every day I wake up and I get a chance. I always say that God blessed me this morning and I can do what I do. Our time in this world is very limited. It can be gone now or it can be gone later so I take advantage of every opportunity I have whether it's playing football, working or whatever. I'm just a happy guy. There's no reason for me to ever get mad."

Students assume that celebrities with “blessed” lives have it easy. They forget about the many years of struggle and the resiliency needed to bounce back and persist after failure. We do an activity with the students about famous people who nearly failed, and if it weren't for their not giving up, they would have failed. “Ran for political office seven times and was defeated each time”- who is this? Abraham Lincoln. “ His first children’s book was rejected by 23 publishers.”- Dr. Seuss. “Flunked the sixth grade. As a sixteen-year-old in Paris, a teacher had written on his report card, 'Shows a conspicuous lack of success.' He wished to become a military leader, or a great statesman. As a student, he failed three times in his exams to enter the British Military Academy.” Winston Churchill.

“As a high school student, he felt so unpopular with the girls that he thought he might never be able to find a wife. That's why he took a cooking class. He thought he might never have anyone to cook for him.” - Michael Jordan. What do they all have in common? Stick-to-it -iveness- as defined by Merriam- Webster, “The quality that allows someone to continue trying to do something even though it is difficult or unpleasant.” Otherwise known as resiliency.

Each year, I share the visit of Rabbi Yitzy Haber, a Teaneck native, who addressed our 7^th graders last Monday. He shares his story of his battle with cancer and losing his leg in a humorous and entertaining manner, thereby demonstrating how he coped with difficulties in life- with humor. (You can read his story at http://www.aish.com/sp/so/A_Leg_to_Stand_On.html). This year, Yitzy highlighted his “stick-to-it-iveness” throughout his struggle. He spoke about his need at the age of Bar Mitzvah to learn how to walk again after his amputation. He described his first session with the physical therapist. He thought she was going to teach him how to walk. She said, “First let me teach you how to fall.” He was confused- didn't he come to learn how to walk?” She asserted, “If you don't learn how to fall the right way, you won't be able to get up again after you fall.” He pointed out to the students that this was a lesson for life. Of course we will all “fall” and face failure and disappointments. However, if we learn how to fall- with maintaining optimism, and with the hard work and focus it takes to stand up again, it is easier to get up again. Yitzy stressed that this was a metaphor for his life. He could have chosen to be angry and bitter. He would have then fallen and never gotten up. But, he chose to be hopeful and resilient.

Mishlei 24:10 states, “If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small.” True strength is the ability to stand again. In 24:16 it adds, “For a righteous man falls seven times, and yet rises up again; but the wicked stumble into calamity.” Why the number seven? It represents many times. No matter how many times the righteous fall, they get up again- they fell down the “right” way.

In this week's parasha we begin to discuss the building of the Mishkan. In the final days of setting up the Mishkan (Bamidbar 7:1) it states twice that Moshe “annointed it and sanctified it.” Rashi explained, “On the day that Moshe had finished setting up the Mishkan...” We learn that on each day of the seven days of the installation of the Kohanim Moshe erected the Mishkan and took it down, but on the eighth day he erected it and and did not take it down.” Rabbi Benzion Sobel explains why Moshe would erect and then dismantle. He compares it to the Midrash in Bereishit Rabbah 3:7 which states that before Hashem created the world he created many worlds and destroyed them. Why? And, this is most particularly confusing since Hashem knows what the product will be before it is even finished and knows exactly what He wants it to be like. This is meant to be a lesson for us.

In the battle with the Yetzer Hara, we will fail and fall many times. But, the tzaddik never gives up. Our greatest adversary is “Yeush”- giving up, hopelessness. If the Yetzer Hara can convince the person that his situation is hopeless, and it does not pay to go on, he has won the war. Hashem created worlds and destroyed them until He “got it right.” Moshe Rabbeinu did the same to show us that we cannot discouraged “if we worked very hard, with tremendous self-sacrifice, to build something great, only to see it crumble before our very eyes. As much as it hurts, we must not get discouraged, but strengthen ourselves and start again.”

Rabbi Sobel highlights the story of Rabbi Akiva-who lost 24,000 students and then went to the the south of Eretz Yisrael (Yevamot 62b) to gain five new students. One can imagine the strength and the stick-to-it-iveness it took for him to overcome his disappointment and sorrow after losing all of his talmidim, and to muster the strength to build again.

I know that at this point, most of us prefer to focus on on the actual score of the game and the food. I apologize if I am interrupting. After it is over, perhaps Derrick Coleman can give us food for thought and discussion with our children.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Have begun a unit on Peer Pressure launched by an interactive Improv program.

Seventh Grade: Have begun a unit of Facing Adversity in Life and Resiliency.

Eighth Grade: Second half of the year focuses on preparing for life in High School. This past week's topic was about Cheating. 

"You Don't Know What You've Got Till It's Gone"

“May you be blessed, and your G-d as well should be blessed.”

            How does one love G-d?  The Gemara in Yoma 86a provides one practical way we can express love for a Being we cannot understand, “...she-yehei shem shamayim mitahev al yadecha” - that the name of G-d should be beloved through you.  The Gemara in Yoma explains, “[the one who learns Torah]...his dealings should be pleasant with others. What will others say about him? 'Lucky is his father who taught him Torah. Lucky is his teacher who taught him Torah... So and so, whom they taught Torah- look how pleasant are his ways, how upright are his deeds...'”

            Do you remember the speech your teacher at Yeshiva always gave you and your classmates before you went on the bus for a school trip? “Remember  to make a Kiddush Hashem in the way you behave.”  This past Monday, our Seventh Grade clearly made a Kiddush Hashem,  and made Yavneh proud when they visited the Hackensack Homeless Shelter- the Bergen County Housing, Health and Human Services Center.  One of the residents, after receiving the hat, gloves and scarf, said to our student, “May you be blessed, and your G-d as well should be blessed.”   What better example of Kiddush Hashem can one find!

            This past month, we spent time in Advisory preparing the students for this visit as they learned the skills of Empathy and what it means to be homeless.  The students collected the hats, gloves and scarves to deliver on this visit.   Although we prepared them for the visit, they tentatively and nervously got off the buses, not knowing what to expect. They were excited and feeling simultaneously nervous.  Moments later, when they saw the "guests," (as residents of the shelter are called),  our students sprung into action.  The students had split into groups of 2-3 students and each group approached one of the guests, handed him/her a warmth package and began to converse.  We had discussed in their training in Advisory some possible topics of conversation and the students confidently asked guests, "What sports teams do you root for?" "What's the last movie you've seen?" or "Where did you grow up?"

            Before we met the guests, Mrs. Julia Orlando, director of the Shelter, had addressed the students. She said that more important than the guests receiving the hats, gloves and scarves was the feeling they had that someone actually cared enough to have a conversation with them.  Especially during this time of year, when they have no homes and many have no family they have no hope. We have restored some of that hope to them. Mrs. Kathleen Donovan, County Executive, was also there to congratulate our students on their impressive contribution.

            After the visit, students shared how inspiring the visit was for them. I was inspired
by watching our children.  One boy shared that when he approached one  of the guests, the guest said, “I will give this to someone who needs it more than I do.” This student could not believe that even in the depths of difficulty, the guest was thinking of someone other than himself. What is our excuse? 

Many students shared that they could not believe how, “normal” the guests were,  and how they were, “Just like us.”  In fact, unbelievably, I actually knew someone at the shelter this year.  That made a tremendous impact.  They began to imagine what it would be like if they were in that position. They had learned empathy!

            Almost all of our students stated that they now appreciated what they had so much more.  I believe that this visit was perfectly planned to happen right before we all embark on vacation.  Our visit did stress to our students that no matter where we go, we represent the Jewish people- whether on vacation in Florida or at the bowling alley in Hackensack, (which is more like my family's plans!)  This visit also helped us put into perspective- what are needs and what are wants?  What are necessities and what are luxuries?  As parents, we want to provide a relaxing vacation for our children. But, we also want them to realize that it is not “coming to them.”   In our 8^th grade Advisory we talk about taking things for granted.  “Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone…”  This visit made those lyrics come alive. We thank G-d daily for all the necessities and sometimes luxuries we can afford.  May we continue to merit the ability to make His Name more beloved in the eyes of others.

Parenting Pointers- Why Age 12?

Each Wednesday, I have the privilege of teaching what we affectionately call “Girls Only Torah.”“Girls Only Torah” is an optional chug- informal learning session- open to 7th and 8th girls were we focus on Torah topics in halacha, hashkafah, Tanach, Jewish history, current events etc. that relate to women. The girls are able to request topics for future sessions. Often, a topic will emerge from a question asked by a student. The most recent topic we discussed was the answer to the question, “Why do girls reach gil mitzvot – the age where they are responsible for mitzvot- at age 12, and boys do at age 13?” This topic struck my fancy as well, as it does relate to some psychological research.

We began by explaining the sources for the age 13 for boys. We then went to the Mishna in Niddah 45, “ If a girl above 12 vows, it is valid. (We do not check her); during her 12th year, we check her.If a boy above 12 years vows, we check him; if a boy above 13 vows, it is valid.” This mishna regarding when the vows of girls count is the primary source for the age of Bat Mitzvah. In the Gemara on this mishna, Rav Chisda states, “Rebbi learns (why women are earlier than men) from Bereishit 2:22:

'ב וַיִּ֩בֶן֩ ה' אֱלֹקַ֥ים ׀ אֶת־הַצֵּלָ֛ע אֲשֶׁר־לָקַ֥ח מִן־הָֽאָדָ֖ם לְאִשָּׁ֑ה וַיְבִאֶ֖הָ אֶל־הָֽאָדָֽם

And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, He built a woman, and brought her to the man.' G-d gave women more 'binah'- understanding- than men.”This Gemara stresses the use of the word “vayiven” “and He built” as having the same root as the word “binah” - understanding- stating that women have a “bina yeteira”- an extra understanding which they develop at a younger age than men. Girls reach their intellectual maturity at a younger age than men.

Rabbi Hershel Schachter highlights that the Torah's view is confirmed by science, and quotes an article in Time Magazine, (May 10, 2004, p.59) where it reported “the brain mass of females reaches its maximum size at age eleven, while that of the males only reaches its maximum size at age 12 and a half.”

What is this “extra understanding”? We discussed the ability “l'havin davar mitoch davar”(as explained in the Gemara in Makkot in a different context)- to understand something from something else. This means greater intuition and ability to take details and form a whole picture. Along with these skills comes greater social understanding, as it states in the Gemara Bava Metzia 87a, “A woman recognizes the character of her guests better than a man does.” The girls then spent some time identifying women in Tanach who had better intuition about the people in their lives than the men did, i.e. Sarah with Yishmael versus Avraham, Rivka with Esav versus Yitzchak, Miriam versus her father Amram, the women at Chet HaEgel...

A recent December study published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences has demonstrated that “men have more neural connectivity between the front and rear hemispheres of the brain, making them more adept at learning a specific skill and coordinating actions. Women have more connectivity between the right and left hemispheres, making them better at intuition, social skills and multi-tasking...the differences in neuro-wiring become more pronounced as boys and girls mature during adolescence.” Does the “onset” at adolescence indicate that there is a component of “nurture” that is influencing these differences or is it “nature”? These are interesting questions to ponder as we raise our young women, and men. (Note: My dissertation topic was related to girls' attitudes towards math and science, so this is clearly an area of interest for me).

The transition to “maturity, ” found in girls around age 12 and boys around age 13, is also a time wrought with challenges for children. Those of us who work in middle schools know this data well from first hand experience. In her book The Price of Privilege,   Dr. Madeline Levine quotes a study of levels of psychopathology, (anxiety, depression, substance use), done with sixth and seventh graders in an “affluent, suburban” neighborhood (average family income of $120,000). When these “affluent” students were in sixth grade, their levels of psychopathology were below the national average. Alarmingly, once they reached seventh grade these levels were higher, especially among girls. “Depression among the seventh grade girls was twice as high as the national norm for girls this age.” It is unbelievable to note the incredible increase in just one year between depression in sixth and seventh grade girls. “As many researchers have pointed out, early adolescence seems to represent a period of accelerated vulnerability for girls. It appears that affluent girls are at particularly high risk for depression and anxiety beginning about age twelve.”

The study quoted by Levine is “Privileged but Pressured? A Study of Affluent Youth” by Lutha and Becker. Their hypotheses for this increase in 12 year old girls are logical- hormonal changes of adolescence and advances in formal operational thinking, (Piaget's cognitive developmental stage beginning at approximately age 12 through adulthood where they are more capable of abstract thinking, logic, predictions), which leads to a high preoccupation with personal identity. Lutha and Becker also note in their findings some other reasons for increased psychopathology among girls:

1. Gender-role socialization and self-image- this is the time when they are developmentally able to begin thinking about their roles and their self-images.
2. Standards for academic excellence are the same for boys and girls, yet girls are “more likely to contend with conflicting messages from peer group and from the media with regard to displays of academic competence begin 'nonfeminine' and thus undesirable.” We see this conflict in middle school students every year as the enter the 7^th grade.
3. High concern with personal appearance and dissatisfaction with their physical appearance, which Lutha and Becker state is “more pronounced among young European and American women.”

When our girls reach the age of twelve, we are hopefully focused on ensuring that they enter gil mitzvot with the right intentions and the love for Torah and their Judaism. In fact, I believe that the Bat Mitzvah celebration can and should be the antidote to what is reported by Lutha and Becker. We highlight with our young women, (as I attempt to in my “Girls Only Torah”), that they are honored for who they are, how they think and the spiritual and learned person they are already becoming. I assure you, we who work in middle schools can already see that bina yeteira – even in sixth grade girls! We do not honor them for the dress they wear, the way they look or for how popular they are. The unique development of their brains which occurs at this age makes them primed for incredible spiritual and emotional growth, but also for terrible spiritual and emotional pain. It is therefore not a coincidence that Chazal say that age 12 is the age for Bat Mitzvah. As parents and educators we must use this milestone of Bat Mitzvah as an opportunity to strengthen our young women. 

Reading Aloud To Your... Teen?

 My daughter came home from school stating emphatically that her teacher read them a book and she must get the next one in the series. The book was All Of A Kind Family by Sidney Taylor. My daughter is in 2^nd grade, and this book is definitely not the typical kind of book she loves about fairies, princesses or characters that love pink. I myself never read the series as a child, but I know my mother did. First published in 1951, the book is about a Jewish family living in the Lower East Side. It is a story that was probably lived by many of our ancestors. Not particularly jazzy or exciting, but something about it caught my daughter's interest. It was clear that her teacher's reading it aloud was all it took to get her hooked.

The books are out of print, so we could not purchase them at Barnes or Noble or on Amazon. We searched the libraries, and finally had one sent to ours. And, oh, the excitement each night before we read. I am just as excited. This book which speaks of simpler times- before technology, and of a simple family who did not have much, was something of which to look forward. And, it was that simple time I spend reading with her- simple, but special.

Soon, my “tween” son came in and asked if he can listen too. He too wants some reading aloud time. It made me think about how valuable time like this would be with our middle school children as well.

Experts do maintain that we should be reading aloud to our teenagers as well. Bedtimes stories are particularly a ritual that we can continue into the teenage years. (Although, I don't know about you, but I most definitely want to go to sleep earlier than my teen is ready to do so himself!) We tend to stop these rituals as soon as children can read independently. There are number of reasons why we shouldn't stop. And, believe it or not, even the most tech savvy, independent teen will appreciate it. Many parents and teens will take turns and alternate reading between parent and child. Here are some ideas of the impact of reading books aloud to each other:

1. Reading out loud is a great advertisement for reading enjoyment. When they see how much we enjoy reading the book aloud, we have the opportunity to expose them to pure love of reading and often of a genre or book they would never consider themselves. I admire the many parents who read the book assigned for school along with their children, but this reading time is to be a book they don't have to read.
   Jim Trelease, in the article, “The Hidden Benefits of Reading Aloud- Even For Older Kids” states, “Yes, because if you stop advertising, you stop selling. Kids have to read for school but that's not an advertisement for reading. Most of the material kids read in school, no one would read for pleasure. And if all your reading is tied to work, you develop a sweat mentality to reading, so by time you graduate you can't wait to stop reading. You become a school-time reader, not a life-time reader. Of course, kids have to do a certain amount of reading that's tied to work, but you don't want kids to forget that there are books out there to make you laugh, make you cry, and move the soul.” (Although, I would like to add, that much effort is made at Yavneh to choose books that are interesting for the students to read. More and more students share with me that they enjoy the books the y “have to” read).
2. The physical closeness between the reader and listener is comforting. Teens don't typically “snuggle” with their parents, and this is a time to at least be sitting next to them in close proximity.
3. “Children listen on a different level than they read.” One can listen to a more complicated plot or a book utilizing more sophisticated language than one might read on one's own. This is an effective way to build vocabulary.
4. Reading aloud is a great way to relay and discuss morals and life lessons. Discussions about feelings and beliefs can all stem from discussing the characters and their dilemmas, without sounding like a lecture.
5. Time spent together without checking your phone or multitasking.
6. Allowing your child to pick the book out with you honors the individuality in each of your children.
7. It is an opportunity to practice empathy and perspective taking. “What do you think he was thinking?” “Why did he do that?”
8. It's a great chance for you to read some books you missed as a child.
9. Reading aloud increases your teen's attention span in this “distractible” world in which we live.

There is value for the child him/herself when he/she reads aloud. For those of us who have entered the walls of a Beit Midrash we know the impact of reading the texts aloud to the other. The Gemara in Eruvin 54a states, “A person is happy in his learning when he says it aloud, in response to someone.” Saying the information aloud ensures that it is absorbed and retained. In fact, Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi highlights that it states “V'dibarta Bam” “And, you shall speak in them,” stressing the importance of reading aloud. Reading aloud also “pierces the heavens” and “brings joy to G-d” according to the Pele Yo'etz, Rabbi Eliezer Papo. The great Talmida Chachama Beruriah was “passing a student who was studying silently without verbalizing what he was learning. She rebuked him and said that his manner of study was incorrect because the verse states, 'Life comes to the one who comes upon them' which is meant to be understood as, 'life comes to the one who articulates its words with one’s mouth.'”

Then, we know the value of hearing someone else read in Judaism- a prime example being the weekly Keriat HaTorah. The Rambam in Hilchot Tefillah 12:1 appears to believe that hearing the Torah fulfills the requirement of learning. (Others may disagree). I can still recall my high school Navi teacher, Mrs. Marcy Stern, who before we ever learned a perek would simply read it dramatically aloud to the students. By the time we began learning the perek, I was already able to anticipate the themes, mood and climax of the perek. This reading aloud of the perek was a practice that I “stole” from Mrs. Stern when I myself taught Navi. To this day, I can still hear her voice reading that perek.

 Hallmark sells recordable books that enable a child to hear a special relative's voice reading to him/her. Wouldn't it be wonderful if our children could hear us each night without needing a recording? That voice will never leave their minds, even after they have left the teenage years and are off on their own.

Innoculating Our Teens Against "Affluenza"

Last week, Ethan Couch, a sixteen year old boy in Texas who killed four people he hit while drunk driving, was only sentenced to ten years probation and not the twenty years in jail recommended by prosecutors. Couch and friends were seen on surveillance video stealing two cases of beer from a store. He had seven passengers in his Ford F-350, was speeding and had a blood-alcohol level three times the legal limit, according to trial testimony. His truck slammed into the four pedestrians, killing Brian Jennings, 43, Breanna Mitchell, 24, Shelby Boyles, 21, and her mother, Hollie Boyles, 52.

Ethan's lawyer claimed that he would benefit more from rehabilitation then from jail time as he suffered from “affluenza”- that his parents were very wealthy and spoiled him so that he never had to suffer the consequences of his actions. His lawyer stated that, his “family felt that wealth bought privilege and there was no rational link between behavior and consequences... Couch's parents never punished him for his behavior, even when, in a separate incident, cops found him passed out in a car with a naked 14-year-old girl.”

As one could well imagine, there has been much debate about this case of “affluenza.” The term "affluenza" is not a true psychological diagnosis. Jessie O'Neill, in her book The Golden Ghetto: The Psychology of Affluence used the term. “It's since been used to describe a condition in which children — generally from richer families — have a sense of entitlement, are irresponsible, make excuses for poor behavior, and sometimes dabble in drugs and alcohol.”

Some have maintained that not only have parents not provided any consequences, but now the court system has done the same. Others have discussed the issue of race. Dr. Suniya Luthar, a psychologist who specializes in the costs of affluence in suburban communities, asked, “"What is the likelihood if this was an African-American, inner-city kid that grew up in a violent neighborhood to a single mother who is addicted to crack and he was caught two or three times ... what is the likelihood that the judge would excuse his behavior and let him off because of how he was raised?"

Luthar shared that in her research at Columbia University, she has shown that “20 percent of upper middle-class adolescents believe their parents would help them get out of a sticky situation at school.” This sentence, she maintains, reinforces this belief.

In our community, our children are mostly middle to upper middle class adolescents as well. How many of our teens are stricken by “affluenza”? We discussed this topic with some of our 8^th graders this past Friday in Advisory. Some questions we discussed with them were:

1. Who is to blame in this case- the parents or the boy?
2. What do consequences have to do with knowing right from wrong? How do you think kids learn right from wrong? How did you learn? (Role models, peer environment, learning Torah...)
3. “Chosech shivto soneh b'no” (mishlei 13:24)- “Spare the rod spoil the child”- what does that mean? Does that apply in this case? Do you think there is a piece of us that should thank our parents for “punishments”/consequences?
4. So, who do you think should have been guilty? What do you think of his punishment?
5. “Affluenza” do you think this term applies to our community?
6. “20 percent of upper middle-class adolescents believe their parents would help them get out of a sticky situation at school...Boyd's sentence reinforces that belief.”- We are the middle- upper class. Do we think this is true?

Dr. Luthar states in her research that “U.S.’s new group of “at risk” children are preteens and teens from affluent, well-educated families, not from low–income homes.” Why? Who are these children. Dr. Madeline Levine, author of the book, The Price of Privilege states that these are children who “look great on the outside, but are empty on the inside.” Anxiety, depression, drug abuse, eating disorders and suicide are three times higher in affluent communities than in low income communities.

The Alliance for Early Childhood, ( Blakely Bundy and Kathy Hardy ), presented what they thought as the there underlying reasons for this at-risk community.

1. Overscheduling and specialization- days are overscheduled, and children are forced to become experts at something at a young age. There is no time to process the learning and less time for unstructured play. Preschool teachers note that more and more children need to be taught how to play. They haven't learned the social skills needed for interacting with others often gained in simple unstructured play.
2. Schools- Parents in schools tend to advocate for their own children more than for all the children. Hara Marano, author of a A Nation of Wimps- The High Cost of Invasive Parenting shares, “The most affluent parents have the means, the power, and the know-how of the system’s workings to in­fluence it on behalf of their children.  ...They are not afraid to  challenge the system and make it serve their interests, actions fed by their sense of entitlement as ‘full payers.’  …They may seek advantage for their own children over general im­provements that would help all children, including their own.”
3. Isolation- parents have to overwork to maintain their standard of living and are connected 24/7via internet to their jobs. Often one parent is never seen by his/her children during the week, and it is as if the children are being raised by a single parent.
4. Cell phones- Marano calls the cell phone the “eternal umbilicus” stating that it has changed the parent-child relationship. “Children report every blip and flicker of experience immediately as it happens, without engaging in reflection or otherwise processing the experience….  The main problem with having your parents in your jeans pocket is that you never have to activate the mental machinery for independence.  As a result, you never learn how to guide yourself thru the making of decisions on your own or come to rely on your own judgment.”
        “Dr. Don Monroe, former superintendent of the Winnetka Public Schools and recent­ly headmaster of Baker Demonstration School, says that, 25 years ago, he might get a phone call from a parent in June, saying, 'You know, Johnny didn’t have a great year with Mrs. X, so let’s think about his placement for next year.'  Now, he’ll get a call from a parent who has talked with or texted her child during the school day.  The parent might say, 'Mrs. X didn’t call on Jacob  in math class today.  She isn’t recognizing his potential, and I’d like you to do something about it right away.'”
5. Creating the “perfect” life- parents want perfection for their children and see happiness as the most important value. If children are given everything they want, and they feel they do not deserve it, that can lead to more anxiety. They may feel guilty for feeling unhappy. Seeking perfection is exhausting.  
6. Overindulgence and materialism- It is often easier to get them what they want even if it is not in their best interest.
7. Overprotection- this is a topic we had discussed in last week's article, highlighted in Wendy Mogul's The Blessing of a Skinned Knee.

After the A.E.C. presents us with all of this issues to confront in our communities- what are their solutions? I believe that many of their suggestions are intuitive. I would like to focus on one. “Fourth, and probably most important of all, is to bring together parents with similar values and ideas about parenting. There are many parents who don’t buy into the fast-paced, competitive values that have taken over many affluent communities...Speaking up, validating feelings and ideas, and bringing those parents together can not only be help­ful and reassuring to individual parents, but, as like-minded parents find each other, they can gain strength and courage and perhaps begin to change  the prevailing climate in their affluent community.  This may be the first step in getting “affluenza” under control.”

Many of us proudly maintain that our values are not the values in items 1-7 that the A.E.C. lists. We need to continue reinforcing our own values with our children. We constantly point out the values in society that are antithetical to our own. When our children come home and say, “But, so and so's mother is doing so and so for him” we respond, “But in our family we don't do that because...” The sentencing of Ethan Couch is one such “teachable moment” to discuss with our children, as we did in Advisory, the pitfalls of our middle class lives and the importance of maintaining ones Torah values and ethics despite the relatively comfortable lives with which G-d has blessed us.

Advisory Update:

1. Sixth Graders spent some time scheduling their evening routines as part of time management.

2. Seventh Graders investigated the stereotype often presented of the homeless, and how that stereotype is not always true.

3. Eighth Graders discussed the value of consequences and whether teens are responsible for their own actions through understanding the Couch case above. 

Who Said Life Is Supposed To Be Easy?

Weber Middle School, in Long Island, has banned football, baseball, and games of tag during recess to prevent students from getting hurt. When asked why, school officials responded that “too many students have gotten bumps, scrapes and head injuries.” What?! You might be thinking. What is this world coming to that kids aren't even allowed to get some bumps once in a while? This brings to mind the title of the book by Wendy Mogel The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. One concept she stresses in her book is the importance of exeperiencing failure for the growth of our children.

Why do many of our children fall apart when faced with difficulty? One reason is that they believe that life will always be easy and therefore are not prepared when life is hard, or when they hit some “bumps” or “bruises” along the road. Louis Brandeis once said, “If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you.”

The parshiot we have been reading these past weeks describe the many bumps that Yaakov Avinu had in his life. Beginning with the need to run away from home and his fear of Eisav and culminating in his “loss” of Yosef, how much harder could his life get? Yaakov had this feeling as well, just wishing that life would be easier for him. The Midrash in Bereishit Rabbi 84:3 states

“Rav Acha said: When the righteous sit in tranquillity and desire to sit in tranquillity in this world, the Satan acts as accuser. He exclaims 'Is that which is set for (the righteous) in the World to Come not enough that they seek serenity in this world?' This is certainly the case – Yaakov Avinu sought to dwell in serenity in this world and the “Satan” of Yoseph attached himself to Yaakov – 'And Yaakov dwelt … etc.'(Gen 37:1) 'I had no repose, no quiet, no rest, and trouble came.' (Job 3:26)I had no repose – from Esav, No quiet – from Lavan, No rest - from Dinah, And trouble (lit. anger) came – the trouble of Joseph.”

One message often noted is that tzaddikim can never rest when it comes to growing spiritually. They must always be moving and never rest on their laurels.

Another message it does provide our children with is that life is hard, and if we face hardship it can help us grow. This past week's passing of Nelson Mandela is testimony to this idea. After 27 years in prison, he changed the face of his nation. Mr. Mandela said, "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." To truly grow, one must realize that life is not easy. Life is not always comforting. At times it is hard. At times it is full of fear. A few weeks ago, my children and I heard Rabbi Yosef Mendelevich, (who spoke to some of our middle schoolers last year), tell his story as a refusnik and a prisoner in Siberia for eleven years. He too had the ability to maintain strength in the face of difficulty.

After Hurricane Sandy or any other natural disaster we focus on “disaster perparedness.” How do we prepare our children emotionally for life's inevitable bruises? We do so by modeling our reactions to hard times. A recent study in Israel, conducted after Operation Pillar of Defense at Soroka University Medical Center preschool psychiatric unit highlighted that children of mothers who suffer from PTSD are more likely to develop PTSD. Factors like health, education, or socioeconomic status had no impact. The only risk factor in developing PTSD was whether the mother had the symptoms. After a trauma, states Dr. Gal Meiri, “the child is dependent on the parents' reaction.” As parents, when faced with a difficulty, if we identify it and then decide we can cope and move on rather than panicking or saying, “Poor me” our children can model our behavior. Verbalize how it is a conscious choice to be optimistic and move forward.

What is one reason why our children believe that life is supposed to be easy? Because we a have always protected them from hardship. This is another way inadvertantly increase their fears. Wendy Mogel speaks about the level of fear that we as parents are passing along to our children by overprotecting them. We are fearful of their not being invited to the right parties, accepted by the right schools, of their being disappointed in life. “We train our children to... expect the worst in any unusual situation. We are teaching our children to slither rather than to roll with the punches... Real protection means teaching children to manage risks on their own, not shielding them from every hazard...But most of the parents I speak with believe that their children should be spared 'ordinary unhappiness' and should be protected from feeling sad, angry, afraid, frustrated or disappointed... If parents rush in to rescue the from distress, children don't get an opportunity to learn they can suffer and recover on their own.”

“My philosophy is: Life is hard, but G-d is good. Try not to confuse the two.” (Anne F. Beiler, American businesswoman). Ignoring the humor in her words, it does point out the importance of another from of modeling we can do as parents to help our children become more resilient. We can teach and model belief in G-d, and that He will help us in our times of trouble. Emunah and Bitachon. Rabbi Steve Burg, in his article, “Keeping Our Kids On The Derech” wrote, “The concept of God’s existence is neglected, barely even mentioned in our day schools and yeshivot. While we spend much time teaching Jewish texts, we spend way too little time emphasizing emunah and bitachon—the very foundations upon which Judaism is built. A teen who attends a day school recently confided to me that although she has learned all of the intricacies of hilchot borer in her high school honors dinim class, she is not certain she believes in God. A rabbi I know recently wrote about this very problem. While his bubbie never studied the commentaries on Tehillim, which his daughters all currently learn and know, he wrote, his daughters cannot cry over Tehillim the way his bubbie did. The dichotomy between our children’s high-level Torah study and their faith in God (or lack thereof) presents a deep and dangerous chasm. As parents and educators, we need to present Torah, halachah, philosophy and Jewish history as part of our relationship with and understanding of God, not as separate subjects that exist in a vacuum. When learning Torah with our children, we must express our own passion and zeal for God, demonstrating that all facets of Jewish learning should serve as a means to draw us closer to God and to better appreciate and love Him.” We cannot assume that even our Yeshiva graduates have the level of Emunah that they deserve and need.

We raise our children with the knowledge that life is hard at times, but they can overcome. They gain this knowledge by actually confronting challenges without our bailing them out. Wendy Mogel compares raising children to what horticulturists do when they prepare hothouse plants for replanting outdoors. First, they deprive them of food and water and expose them to greater heat and cold so that they will grow stronger root systems and thicker stems. “They subject them to stress to strengthen them.” Through allowing our children to look disappointment in the eye, while at the same time modeling resiliency and bitachon, we strengthen them.

Advisory Update:
6th grade-  A unit on Time Management Unit was begun where they are learning how to prioritize their work  utilizing the MyHomework app.

7th grade-  The skills of empathy are being taught and implemented.

8th grade-   Student focused on the fact that gratitude and appreciating what they have make for true happiness in life.