Free At Last!

As we approach Pesach, זמן חרותנו,  the season of our freedom, I recently finished reading a book that provided me with a meaningful view of freedom. (Plus a dvar Torah at the Seder table!)

The book, Unbroken Spirit- A Heroic Story of Faith, Courage, and Survival, is the autobiography of Rabbi Yosef Mendelevich.  Rabbi Mendelevich was the famous refusenik who spend twelve years in the  Soviet gulag imprisoned. Released in 1981, he now lives in Israel.

What can more clearly depict a modern slavery to freedom story than that of Mendelevich and his oppression and then freedom? His story begins with a plot he hatched with some fellow Zionists to hijack a plane to fly to Israel.  They clearly knew that there was a chance their scheme would fail.  Mendelevich writes (p. 335), “Before our fateful arrest at the airport, I told my friends, ‘There is no meaning in the life of a slave who cannot be true to himself.”   In essence, he shared that even though they were “free” they were truly slaves if they could not practice their Judaism and yearn for Israel under Russian rule.  

   

The irony of Mendelevich’s story is that it is when he was in prison, he felt more free.  “I must confess that my eleven years in prison were not at all grey and wearying.  Each day brought a new discovery, a new joy.  Appearances were to the contrary: an onlooker who saw me would have pronounced me miserable. Indeed, what joy could be left to a starving slave laborer in the freezing expanses of Siberia?  And yet, I experienced it differently...Even in prison, I knew how not to be a slave.  I knew that a slave is not one who is physically hemmed in by bars, but one who is controlled by external forces that consume him and rob him of his life and from which he cannot escape...I consciously aimed not to indulge in self-pity, not to falter, but to carry on normally: prayer, exercise...One day I was in solitary confinement, doing nothing. I no longer felt like I had to do anything in order to sense His closeness...That is the secret of inner fortitude.”  As it notes in the introduction to the book, “The refuseniks were determined to live life as free men even in a totalitarian country.”

As long as Mendelevich was able to be true to himself and connect with God, he was free. He then continues that, ironically again, “Thirty years later, I am living the life a free man in Israel. As everyone knows, the life of a free man possesses at least as many difficult challenges as the life of a prisoner or a slave.”  Why is that?  How can one say that a free man lives a life more difficult than that of a slave?

In order to answer this question, we need to better understand what freedom is.  In his article, “What Is Freedom?” Rabbi Tauber explains that typically we define freedom as the absence of slavery.  So, too, we define “rest” - that we are to do on Shabbat, as the absence of work. But, in reality these definitions are not correct. There is a positive, active definition of freedom.

Let’s start with “rest.” God created rest on the 7th day.  What is rest? “ ‘Rest’ is the endeavor to focus inward, to withdraw to the quintessential core of one's being...So Shabbat is not a day of inactivity, but a day devoted to the activity of rest.” That is why Shabbat is a day of increased spirituality and connection to God.  

So, too, Pesach’s freedom is not just the absence of slavery, but the presence of an active freedom. Moshe did not simply say, “Let My people go.”  Rather, he said, “Let My people go so that they can serve me.”  How does a human achieve freedom?  “That to attain true freedom he must therefore transcend his humanity - his emotional, intellectual, even spiritual self - and access the ‘spark of G‑dliness’ that is his infinite, supra-human self.”

Yosef Mendelevich accessed the spark of Godliness within him. He was therefore free.  On Pesach, our challenge to access that inner spark as well.

Dr. Alex Pattakos, author of Prisoners of Our Thoughts, wrote in his article, “Escaping Your Inner Mental Prison” of the conversations and interviews he has had with prison inmates.  Dr. Pattakos quotes Dr. Viktor Frankl’s  “Will to Meaning.” “This principle asks you to “commit authentically to meaningful values and goals that only you can actualize and fulfill.” With physical freedom being taken away from them, these prisoners have time for self-reflection and self- discovery on the path to finding meaning in their lives.  

Thus, Dr. Pattakos asks us, “Now let me ask you: if inmates in a real prison are able and willing to search for meaning in their lives, as well as exploring ways to change and grow, are you? Remember, we don’t really create meaning; we find it. And we can’t find it unless we look for it.”  He then quotes a country music song, by Rodney Crowell, “It’s time to go inward, take a look at myself. Time to make the most of the time that I’ve got left. Prison bars imagined are no less solid steel.”

As parents how can we relay this message of true freedom to our children- the ability to look inward and access that spark? Mrs. Slovie Jungreis Wolf writes in her book, Raising A Child With Soul,  that when it comes to raising our children, “We worry that they receive the proper nutrition, cultural experiences and an excellent education.  What is most painful to me is the fact that rarely have I heard parents discussing their plan to develop their child’s soul… We have become so consumed with thoughts of our child being in the right place, with the right crowd, in the right clothing, but what have we done to to help this child become a spiritual being? The problem becomes more acute as our world becomes more obsessed with materialism.”

          This would explain why Mendelevich felt that the life of a free man has as many challenges as a life of a slave/prisoner.  A free man is surrounded by a world of materialism and temptations which are antithetical to a life of introspection.  I often think about all the time I used to spend in doctors’ waiting rooms just thinking.  Now, I am constantly on my phone (answering work e-mails!)  In this age of constant connection we are never really free from distraction to truly connect with God and develop our souls.  The world we live in is not set up for introspective thought or spiritual reflection. We are never free.

As parents, just as we carefully plan their paths to the Ivy Leagues, or to the right high school, so too we need to carefully plan our children’s soul development, or their freedom.  Do we want them to be enslaved or free?  This inability to achieve introspection and self- analysis is not only harming their spiritual development, but also impacts on their overall contentment in life and their ability to achieve fulfillment (connected to spirituality).  

Dr. Lisa Miller, director of Columbia University’s Clinical Psychology program, wrote a book called The Spiritual Child: The New Science On Parenting For Health And Lifelong Thriving. Children, for example, who have positive and active relationships to spirituality are 40% less likely to abuse substances and 60% less likely to suffer from depression. She writes, similar to Mrs. Jungreis- Wolf, describing the various conversations we have as parents regarding teams, studying for tests, camp etc., “And, yet all of those conversations, elaborate schedules of extracurricular activities, and high aspirations often miss the single most crucial ingredient of all, the only thing that science has show to reliably predict fulfillment, success and thriving:a child’s spiritual development.”  The child needs to feel part of something larger and an experience an “interactive two-way relationship with a guiding, and ultimately loving being.” Children are born with this capacity and yearning. We are biologically hardwired for spirituality, as research of functional MRIs has shown. Interestingly enough, Mendelevich shares that when his atheist father was imprisoned, he, with his atheist upbringing, still prayed to God- as if it was inborn. But, Dr.  Miller points out, that this ability for spirituality is a use it or lose it type of thing- it needs to be developed.

So, back to our question, how do we help our children develop this spirituality? Some of you might be wondering, we are Orthodox Jews. We send our children to Yeshiva. We go to shul every Shabbat and even every day- of course our children are spiritual!  Not so.  Spirituality may not exist despite religious practice, we must shamefully say.

Dr. Miller points out that a child’s spirituality is developed by encouragement and show of support from us. Every time they have conversations with us about big life issues or life’s little events, we should model for them a spiritual lifestyle.  We show them that we need not fill a quiet moment with diversions.  We talk to them about how and when we see hashgacha pratit- the involvement of Hashem in our individual and daily lives.  Adolescence is the time of life where there is a “developmental surge period for spiritual development.”  Ask them to reflect on where they have seen the hand of Hashem in their lives.  It can be simply something like, “I couldn’t find my math homework, but at the last minute the teacher gave the class  more time”- that was God intervening!  

At the Pesach seder we discuss how we see the hand of God through the various miracles He performed. As parents, let us point out that we too need to see ourselves as if we have left Mitzrayim. We too experience miracles.  We too connect to Hashem.  As parents, we can help our children see that same hand of God in our daily lives. This leads to a more free life- free from the pressures and distractions of the world around us, and free to connect with God, leading to more content and successful lives as well.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students focused on common difficulties one might have with a friend and how to problem solve.

Seventh Grade:  Seventh graders had an wonderful presentation by Mrs. Shifra Srolovitz, a child life specialist, who spoke about how she goes about encouraging ill children with whom she works. Students then decorated stuffed dogs with encouraging messages to be given to ill children.  Girls also focused on a lesson on gender roles and how that impacts girls.

Eighth Grade: Students debriefed their Holocaust play experience to discuss what it meant to them and what they gained.  They also experienced a lesson on bigotry and racism- does it exist in the U.S. today? What would they do if they witnessed it? Does it exist without our knowing among us as well?

We Dine Together

This past week I read of the story of Denis Estimon of Boca Raton Community High School. He remembers what it was like when he was a freshman and a new immigrant from Haiti. He felt lonely and isolated at lunch.  “It’s not a good feeling, like you’re by yourself. And that’s something that I don’t want anybody to go through,” said Denis. Now that Denis is a senior, and considered part of the popular group, he started a club called “We Dine Together” to make sure that no student has to sit alone at lunchtime. Members of the “We Dine Together” club seek out those who are alone, strike up a conversation and invite them to sit.  “The club has sparked hundreds of unlikely friendships since it formed last fall, and jocks and geeks now  sit side by side.”

This story brought to mind another current event that we shared with our sixth graders in Advisory.  In Hardin County, Kentucky they initiated the “Buddy Bench” program during recess. They found that some kids were alone during recess.  There came the idea of the “buddy bench”- actually initiated originally by a 2nd grader!  “If you are sitting on the bench …You are looking for a friend. When someone asks you to play, join them, and always remember to glance over at the school's Buddy Bench to invite new friends to join in on the fun.” If you are not sitting on the bench …Ask your classmate on the friendship bench to play, and make a new friend today! Keep growing your circle of friends until everyone has someone to play with. :)”  Although this concept might sound like it’s meant for younger children, the idea was one we presented to our sixth graders. We wanted them to focus on- what are they doing to notice those who are excluded?

How many of our children are looking to see who is left out during lunch or recess?  A familiar theme, as you have read in my column before. But, I could not pass up the opportunity to mention it again, as I read of Estimon’s story.

As we begin our Pesach preparations,  (I vacuumed under one bed today!), Pesach is the holiday of “We Dine Together” “Kol Dichfin Yesei V’Yeichal; Kol Ditzrich Yesei V’Yifsach.” “All who are hungry let them come and eat; all who are in need, let them come and celebrate Pesach,” as it says in the Haggadah. And, we know  there is a Mitzvah to count others into a single Korban Pesach- a Chabura. Even though one may bring and eat the Korban Pesach alone - one should do so with a group. This is the message of Vayikra 25:36,  ”V’chai achicha imach” – your fellow shall live with you. This is the message of inclusion.

We know how Judaism feels about the importance of making sure that people are not alone. Rabbi Yossie Ives points this out in regards to the death of a stranger on the road. In Devarim 21:4 it states that if a person is found dead on the road and it is not possible to discover the cause of death, then the elders of the nearest town need to enact a ceremony of penance in which they declare “Our hands did not spill this blood.” Upon this the Gemara in Sotah 45b: “Does anyone really think that the Elders of the Beth Din were murderers? Rather, for them perhaps not having left him without provisions or not having accompanied him along the way.” He was left alone, which made him more vulnerable.  

Our next unit in Advisory with our sixth graders includes the topic of popularity. Who is popular? What makes someone a leader? It is clear that in Judaism, a leader is chosen based on how he ensures that everyone is included and cared for. Moshe, the leader of the Pesach story, begins his path to greatness when Hashem witnessed how he cared for a lonely stray sheep.  (Shemot Rabba 2:2).  “ Moshe was shepherding his father-in-laws' sheep one day, when one of them bolted. Moshe followed the runaway animal until it reached a body of water where it stopped for a drink. Moshe compassionately said to the sheep, ‘If only I had known that you thirsted for water. You must be exhausted from running…’ Saying this, he scooped up the animal, placed it on his shoulders, and headed back to his flock. Said God: ‘If this is how he cares for the sheep of man, he is definitely fit to shepherd mine…’”

At the seder was pray “L’shana habaa b’Yerushalayim.” What will bring the redemption? We know that even the actual destruction of the Beit HaMikdash was the result of a story of exclusion,  The destruction of Jerusalem came through Kamtza and Bar Kamtza. A man had a friend Kamtza and an enemy Bar Kamtza. He once made a party and said to his servant, Go and bring Kamtza. The man went and brought Bar Kamtza. When the host found him there he said, “You tell tales about me; what are you doing here? Get out”. Said the other: “Since I am here, let me stay, and I will pay you for whatever I eat and drink.” He refused. Then let me give you half the cost of the party. He refused. Then let me pay for the whole party. He still declined, and he took him by the hand and put him out. “( Gittin 55b) The pain of being excluded led to his reporting on the Jews and led to the destruction.

One in six children report being victims of social exclusion.  Although it relates to all ages, adolescents are particularly vulnerable to feeling excluded and feeling rejected by peers. During this time period, children typically become increasingly independent from their parents and more dependent on their peer group.  Their identities are formed in relation to their peer groups. Therefore, the experience of not being a part of group is so much more traumatic. “Studies on the neurological profile of children suggest that their brain areas for emotion become more activated in response to peer rejection with age, and peek at adolescence”  (Bolling, Pitskel, Deen, Crowley, Mayes & Pelphrey, 2011). Students who are excluded have lower immune function, reduced sleep quality, difficulty calming themselves down when distressed, reduced self-esteem, increased anxiety and increased depression.

These children are “hungry” and they are waiting to be invitee to come and eat- literally and metaphorically.  We need to make sure that all who are hungry can come and eat. We need to dine together. We need to make sure whoever is on the buddy bench is invited.  As parents this is a message we need to stress with our children and model for them.  

Advisory Update

Sixth Grade-  Students began a unit on Friendship discussing “What qualities make a good friend?’

Seventh Grade-  Students learned about positive self-talk and upbeat thinking in developing resiliency.

Eighth grade-   A discussion about stereotyping was begun

The Stigma

A few weeks ago I wrote about the importance of parents uniting and sharing ideas among themselves as there is “strength in numbers.” (By the way, if you are interested in pursuing such an idea, please be in touch as we have some plans in the works).  One other reason why uniting as parents is essential is we support each other.  Some of us have been through particular situations already with our children and we can be a source of guidance for our friends.  

This past week Rabbi Ari Zahtz and Dr. David Pelcovitz hosted a teleconference “You Are Not Alone: Parenting a Child With Mental Health Challenges” to launch their program Project Ometz to support parents raising a child with mental illness in our community.  Their efforts are to assist parents of children struggling with mental illness in getting the essential support that they often do not get due to the stigma that still exists in the Orthodox community when it comes to mental illness. (If you missed this presentation the link is:  http://www.yutorah.org/sidebar/lecture.cfm/873800/dr-david-pelcovitz-rabbi-ari-zahtz/you-are-not-alone-parenting-a-child-with-mental-health-challenges-project-ometz-launch/).

                                                

 Rabbi Nathaniel Helfgot, in his groundbreaking article in a 2001 issue of Jewish Action “Dimensions of Torment: A Young Man’s Story of Surviving Depression,” spoke of breaking the silence.  He shared of young people who perhaps would have found help if there “was less shame turning to someone, if the community had created a culture where mental illness was not ‘someone’s fault’ or reflective of a personal flaw, but a disease to be treated and discussed in the same way and with the same empathy that one speaks of kidney disease, diabetes and high blood pressure?”  Today, 16 years later, “too many of us still speak in whispers about mental illness. The stigma persists...it perpetuates a climate where people who can be eased of their suffering are reticent to seek out the help and support they desperately need.”  

In the 1986 issue of Tradition, Dr. Shalom Feinberg and Mrs. Karyn Feinberg wrote “The Rabbi’s View: The State Of Mental Health Needs In The Orthodox Jewish Community.”  They then surveyed 454 members of the Rabbinical Council of America- an organization of Orthodox rabbis in the United States- as to their perception of the mental health needs of the Orthodox Jewish community.  They too pointed to the stigma, and hypothesized as to the root of this stigma.  One factor is that there is a perception that if one suffers from emotional difficulties one is  “weak or even crazy.”  Additionally, there is the “shidduch anxiety,” which was brought up in Project Ometz’s teleconference.  There is worry that this illness might hurt chances for marriage or for even the marriage of a family member.  Dr. Irving Levitz, in the Journal of Psychology and Judaism, Winter, 1979, described the “issue of gossip and its potentially destructive power in the Orthodox world.  Any information with a ‘spicy’ connotation may be quickly disseminated within the community.”  

Dr Bin Goldman, in his article   “Let’s Talk About Mental Health Stigma In The Jewish Community”  writes of the struggle that parents of children with mental illness live. If you are a parent of child with mental illness, “you may have to endure regular judgments, spoken and unspoken about your parenting. You may also have internalized the stigma from around you and are judging and belittling yourself.”  Project Ometz is meant to help parents out of the isolation that they often feel.  

In his introduction to the teleconference, Rabbi Zahtz shared that Adar is a time of joy, and sadly there are those who are unable to feel that joy due to life’s circumstances. They feel alone. Haman said that there is a nation that is “am m’fuzar u’mfurad.”  When Bnai Yisrael are spread  out, isolated and are alone they are weak.  The answer to combat this problem was “Leich knos hayehudim” -when we unite as a community we can “v'nahafoch hu”- we can turn around change the perception.  Uniting together to support each other is the cure.

What can we as parents do to de-stigmatize mental health issues and support those in our community who are struggling?

As you know, our middles schoolers are reading the book Out of My Mind, which tells the story of a severely disabled girl and her perceptions of that going on around her. As a follow up to this book, some of our English teachers have our students working on projects about various disabilities.  A few of our students  have taken on the topics of mental health issues.  For some, this is their first introduction to mental health issues. They are being educated about what mental illness truly is. As parents, we can play a role in making it clear that mental illness is a disease. We would never make fun of someone who has diabetes, or heart disease. We would support him in whatever he needs. Mental illness is no different. We need to say that very clearly.

Recently, in current events, there are some stories that brought mental health to the fore. February 2017 was launched by Princess Kate and Prince William as Children’s Mental Health Week. Their goal was to change perceptions about mental health. And, for those Star Wars fans out there, Carrie Fisher died at the end of December. She was known for being open about her struggle with bipolar disorder, and did play a significant role in destigmatizing mental illness.  These are two current event stories to discuss at the table with your children.

Lastly, as we come off of Parent Teacher Conferences, I want to encourage parents to share mental health concerns with us at school- with whomever you are comfortable. If your child is struggling with anxiety, depression or any other mental health concern, we want to create an environment in school for him or her that is as safe and comforting as possible.  We will do anything and everything we can to support your child and you.  Please do not hesitate to reach out as we are stronger together.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  

Students finished their unit on Time Management learning how to prioritize their work.  They also did a mini-unit on effective partner work and inclusion during recess.

Seventh Grade:

Students focused on managing the many stressors we have day to day.

Eighth Grade-  

Honesty and ethics- how do we view the importance of those qualities in the “real world?”

Are Worries Something To Worry About?

This past week we were privileged to have Dr. Ethan Ehrenberg present on Worries And Stress- How To Help Our Children Manage.  Dr. Ehrenberg had presented to our middle school faculty earlier in the year on anxiety in children and how we as teachers can help. The feedback was so positive that we felt we needed to bring him back to present to parents.  I want to highlight a short piece of his presentation with some nuggets we can all apply in our own parenting.

We are all wired for fear which is necessary to protect ourselves from danger. Anxiety is when an object which is not dangerous triggers the same fear response.  

Children with anxiety often:

• Avoid the feared stimulus (say they are sick when there is a test),
• Feel impending doom,
• Have fearful thoughts and anticipate problems
• Have a low belief in their own competence- they don’t believe they can overcome these problems.

What is the cause of this anxiety? Dr. Ehrenberg discussed a numbers of factors that contribute to anxiety.  Some of it is temperament. It has been found in the research that infants that tend to get fussy when exposed to new stimuli tend to have anxiety as they grow older.

Another possibility is that somehow the fear response gets paired with stimuli that are not truly fearful. To explain this phenomenon Dr. Ehrenberg used the example of Pavlov’s dogs.  Dr. Ivan Pavlov rang a bell every time he fed the dogs. After a while, simply ringing the bell stimulated the dogs’ salivating.  Any person or object the dog learned to associate with food triggered the response. So, too with anxiety. Any object associated with fear somehow triggers anxiety.  For example, simply seeing a test paper can trigger anxiety despite not even seeing the questions.  So, the goal in that case would be extinguish the reaction. Ala Pavlov his goal would be to continue ringing the bell without giving food and eventually the salivating behavior would extinguish itself.  

This research presents a truism which is counterintuitive to what many of us are inclined to do as parents. When our children are anxious about something, we do everything in our power to help them avoid the cause of their anxiety.  In actuality, exposing themselves to the anxiety provoking event- to the extent that they can tolerate it- will help extinguish the anxiety when they see that nothing actually happens when they are exposed to it.

Some of us swoop in and save our children when they seem worried, not allowing them solve their own problems and tolerate discomfort.  When our children express worry, it is important we that we listen and not rescue. I too often find myself in school torn between helping children feel better in the moment, and helping them overcome a source of anxiety long-term.   (Please note that parents of children who suffer from true anxiety disorders should be consulting with a mental health practitioner for advice as to when to push children and when to cushion them).  When we swoop in and rescue, there is a clear behavioral pattern. When there is a trigger (the test), anxiety goes up,  and our child tries to avoid trigger, (fake being sick so won’t go to test). Then, we as parents rescue and give into child and allow him/her to stay home (just today). Then the  child’s and parent’s anxiety go down and therein is the negative reinforcement. When we take away the negative stimuli  it  burns a pathway in brain which causes a reaction which is  hard to extinguish.

Just to add here, Dr. Wendy Mogel, author of the book The Blessing Of A Skinned Knee, which I often quote, states that in recent years college deans have reported that growing numbers of incoming freshmen are “teacups” as they are so fragile and break down anytime things do not go their way (as reported in the article “How To Land Your Kid In Therapy” by Lori Gottleib). “Well- intentioned parents have been metabolizing their anxiety for them their entire childhoods, so they don’t know how to deal with it when they grow up.”  

Dr. Ehrenberg discussed other parenting practices that tend to increase anxiety. One of which he called “intrusive guidance”- “parents who are  constantly correcting their children and redirecting them. This conveys a sense of incompetence that they cannot do anything on their own. This makes them more nervous to go into the world.”   

The first step as parents is to allow our children to experience anxiety provoking events and learn to tolerate the discomfort and problem solve solutions.

What else can we do as parents? Another technique Dr. Ehrenberg suggested was Cognitive Restructuring:

1. Thought awareness- since the anxiety happens so quickly they not even aware they are thinking it.  Help them be aware of the internal chatter.  Teach them the good coach versus bad coach in their heads. The bad coach tells you the worries.  You want the good coach in your head.
2. Externalize the worry- That bad coach-  Are you going to listen to him? This helps them control it their anxiety.  There tends to be shame with anxiety. Stress that everyone has that bad coach. It’s just a question of whether you listen.
3. Alternative thoughts-  Cognitive distortions- is that true- do you always fail? Our instinct is to go here first. We need to be careful and hold off on this step until our child is comfortable at working at feelings, and can calm down.  If we do this step too quickly, children see it as invalidating their feelings.

How does one know if a child’s stress level or worries are more than they should be? Their anxiety is getting in the way or interfering with their lives.  Dr. Ehrenberg stressed the importance of notifying the school when a child’s anxiety seems too intense. Perhaps the school can help the child manage.

It says in Mishlei 12:25, “Da’agah belev ish yashchenah, vedavar tov yesamchenah”   “If there is worry in a man's heart, yashchenah, and a good word will make it cheerful.”  Shlomo HaMelech was the wisest man that ever lived. What does yashchenah mean? One way to understand it is to pronounce it as yesichenah- speak of it, discuss it, articulate it.  Dr. Ehrenberg provided us with some basic tools to help our children speak of their fears, and tips regarding some “good words” we should say in response to help them view life with more cheer.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students were introduced to the MyHomework app to help them organize their time and prioritize their work.

Seventh Grade-  Students focused on the power of upbeat thinking in promoting resilience.

Eighth Grade-  Students began a unit on the temptation of cheating.

The Super Bowl Party of Life- Because Everyone Belongs

Traditionally, this week  would be my super bowl take-aways column.  This super bowl was an easy one.  Never give up.  The power of persistence and resiliency.  It’s not over til it’s over, (some of you probably turned it off before the end!)  Do cheaters sometimes prosper? Deflatgate and all the lessons that go along with it that we have previously discussed.  All teachable moments with our teens.

This year, I’d like to focus on a super bowl related topic and not focus on the actual game itself.  I had referred to it in passing in last week’s column.  I know that I sent out my last week’s column a few hours before the super bowl, and most probably did not get the chance to read it.  (Please feel free to catch up and read it this week! I also write about the 7th grade presenter last week).  It was dedicated to my father, a”h, whose 14th yahrzeit was last week.  I focused on joy versus happiness, and maintained that we do not actually want our children to be happy. We want them to be joyful.

One example I gave of joy- living a life of meaning and giving- was “by thinking about and reaching out to others...Did he think about the boy who was not invited to any super bowl party and reach out?” I wrote that example with no one boy  (or girl) in mind, but rather in thinking about all the boys I’ve worked with in the past 21 years of working as a psychologist in schools.  Every year there is someone not invited to a super bowl party.  Every year there is someone worried that he will not be invited. Every year there is someone embarrassed to admit he hasn’t been invited. Every year someone is excluded and sitting on the sidelines.

It need not be particular to the super bowl.  Every year there is a girl who had no partner in Coke and Pepsi at that bat mitzvah.  Every year there is a boy who has no one who requests to room with him at Frost Valley.  Every year there is a girl who feels as if she has nowhere to sit during lunch. Every year there is a boy who is not invited to get together Shabbat afternoon.  It is all about inclusion and ensuring there is not social exclusion.

Bullying has become a hot topic over the past number of years. I admit I do see bullying from time to time, but more of what I see is a particular type- social exclusion.  Dr. Rick Lavoie, in his book Last One Picked First One Picked On notes that 15 out of 20 times a parents has put his/her head down to cry- it is not about a child’s academic struggles in school. It is about social rejection.  Dr. David Pelcovitz shared that when looking at the research, people rarely can recall physical pain. They almost always recall the emotional pain of being excluded.  And, conversely, the ones doing the social exclusion almost never recall doing so years later.

And, it is not just about the directly nasty things kids can do to each other. It is often more about the nonverbal messages that children send to one another.  Smiling, or choosing not to smile at another can change a whole child’s day.   Tone of voice- how you speak to another. Initiating warm greetings- especially in a group, is quickly interpreted as sending a message that this child belongs.  We need to explain to our children that sending social inclusion messages- non-verbal ones as well, can help a child feel as if he or she belongs.  Your child can then can become a leader in his demonstrating compassion.  One need not be a close friend to deserve a smile, a greeting or a kind tone of voice.  The message should be the same to all- you have a responsibility to make sure everyone feels welcome.  

I know I have discussed this before, but it bears repeating.  Social media is a powerful tool when it comes to social exclusion.  Snapchat, instagram- again, without directly being “mean” to another, one can hurt others.  Every time a child posts a photo of party he’s gone to or a shopping expedition with friends, another realizes he was left out.  I am not saying that one is not entitled to go out with a few friends. But, why rub the faces of those who were not invited in it?   “I thought I was her friend. But, then I realized I must not be, as everyone was there except for me.”  How hurtful can one be?

I know there are children who make it hard to befriend them due to their behavior.  Some children experiencing this exclusion fall under that category and some do not. Either way, I teach my children that every child deserves to feel included.  No matter what.  I do invite parents and children to share with me if there is a child who could use some help with some of those behaviors that do make it difficult- those do need work. But, at the same time, no one deserves to feel left out.

I spent this last Shabbat in Fair Lawn in Congregation Ahavat Achim with some of our 8th graders and Yachad for the developmentally disabled.  Yachad’s slogan is “because everyone belongs.”  When looking around the room at the Shabbaton, this slogan applied to the Yachad members themselves. However, it also applied to our Yavneh students. It gave me such joy to see some of our students who do not always feel that they belong shine and connect with their classmates. Everyone belonged this Shabbat.  No judgemental preconceptions. It did not matter who had the coolest clothes or who was the best athlete.  Sitting with the Yachad members, playing a game or singing a song was all that mattered.  If only all of life was a Yachad Shabbaton.  

Tonight I ran a piece of a  Friendship Circle orientation.  We discussed a song which was composed for Friendship Circle which states, “Every single person in this world is a gem.”  That is the message of inclusion that our children get when they involve themselves in Yachad and Friendship Circle.

Our children will need to learn the skills to bounce back from rejection and social exclusion. Life is not truly a Yachad Shabbaton.  Despite that, as parents, we need to remind them that life each day is a giant super bowl party. We can’t invite everyone.  There is an abundance of social pressure to fit in- especially in the middle school years.  Somehow, everyone deserves an invitation.  What role can we play in making sure everyone has a party to go to?

Advisory Update:

Sixth Graders-  Students discussed what are the obstacles they face in managing their time well.

Seventh Graders-  Students spoke about the difference between those who are resilient (super ball people) and those who crush under failure (egg people).  How does one persevere?

Eighth Graders-  Students prepared and discussed the admissions news they will be getting this coming week and the best way to react.