Raising "Includers"

 

Our sixth graders are ending off a unit in Advisory that we affectionately call “Hey Dude, That’s Rude!”  where we cover topics of respectful interactions and etiquette when it comes to interactions with peers, behavior at bar/bat mitzvahs and teacher- student interactions. The last lesson in this unit confronts netiquette.  As I often spend time in my office speaking to students about situations where they have been victimized by rudeness or meanness online, I felt it was important to incorporate real-life scenarios so students can feel heard and so that situations that need to be addressed can be.  I, therefore, sent out a survey to our middle schoolers before break asking them for real-life examples of a situation when they know someone used their device to hurt someone else. 

These were the instructions: 

As you know, we work in both Advisory and tech class to talk about avoiding behavior that hurts others when it comes to using our technology whether through texting, whatsapp, snapchat, e-mails etc. 

I want to have some real-life situations to use in sixth grade Advisory when we talk about these things to use as examples of things NOT to do and how hurtful it was to another person when someone did that. 

I have lots of examples of my own that students have shared with me, but I would love more.  

Please do respond here with some real situations when someone was hurt by someone else using their device. DO NOT USE NAMES OF THE PEOPLE INVOLVED!!   

If I get a lot of responses, I probably won't be able to use all of them, but I will try to use as many as I can.

And, I will probably change the situations somewhat so no one will guess who the situations are about. 

Thank you! 

And, the google form had a fill in the blank for them to do:

Here is a story of a situation when someone used a device in a way that was hurtful to someone else. 

These are some of the scenarios that the students submitted:

1. A girl in my grade posted photos of herself with all the girls in my class...except for me and one other girl. I felt really left out. 

2. People got together, hung out, and posted a picture of themselves on social media. A close friend saw the picture and was devastated that they weren't included. This teaches us to always be careful with what you post. . 

3. One time I was playing a game and there was someone in the game who called me a noob (someone bad at the game) because I didn't have a skin or a customized character. They also called me poor because to get the items to customize my character, you needed to pay money. This got me really upset and I didn’t play the game for a while after that.  

4. Kathleen impersonated someone else online by changing the name on her contacts,  and claimed she was Cheryl.  (When she really wasn’t). She reached out to Cheryl’s friend Charlene and told her,  “I hate you.”  Charlene thought it was really Cheryl writing that, but it wasn’t.  Kathleen thought it was just a prank and it almost broke up a friendship. 

5. A kid named Simeon Chuwawa was in a groupchat with other six graders and they were sending texts saying that he was ugly,  not cool, has no friends and it hurt his feelings

6. A bunch of girls I thought I was friends with did a group costume for Purim and left me out. That wouldn’t have been so bad, but then they posted it everywhere - which made me feel terrible!

7. Someone took a picture of me and made me look weird and sent it around.

8. A lot of times in our grade whatsapp chat, there are a lot of hurtful comments regarding what people look like.

9. A group of girls hung out and posted tiktoks, and made people feel bad.  

10. Chelsea was making a slideshow for Navi and Carol saw it. Carol thought it was a terrible slideshow. She took pictures of it and sent it to Errill, Hope, and Geraldine. But she accidentally also included Chelsea in the text group chat! Carol and the other girls were all making fun of it and Chelsea felt extremely bad.

11. A class chat was created with everyone in the class except for one person in the class. The chat name was in mockery of the student who was left out. Ultimately the student left out heard about the chat and was very hurt.

12. A group of kids in my grade had a chat. My friend Carlos kept on trying to include me,  but one boy kept on kicking me off. 

13. My friend (or someone I thought was my friend) made up a rumor about me and spread it online.  

14. I told my good friend a secret which I trusted her with and she sent it to a friend who sent it to lots of people. It was mortifying!

15. During Bar Mitzvah and Bat Mitzvah season, many times there would be kids who had more private parties with few kids. With Yavneh’s restrictions, many kids who would have expected to be invited weren’t. This is okay, as long as no one knows about it. But with Snapchat, Instagram and Tik Tok, these apps included posts from these parties, which led to people getting mad at each other and possibly ruining friendships because of a little Snapchat story.

The Advisors had some guiding questions to discuss each scenario and help the students think about some questions like: (in addition to the general discussions)

1. Do you find that people are often rude on these large group chats? What do you do when you see someone posting something mean- do you stand up for that person? Do you leave the chat?

2. Maybe if you are going to do something exclusive- does publicizing make it worse?

3. What kind of tiktoks do kids make that make others feel bad?

4. Do you sometimes do something rude online without even realizing?  

5. Why are rumors so much more damaging online?

6. Why is it considered rude to reveal something someone told you in confidence? Why is it worse online?

7. Does it matter if someone posts and you weren’t the only one not there? 

 

While we are still in the middle of this lesson, and I can share more when we are done, the discussion has truly hit home. 

I think about this lesson specifically today, on Super bowl Sunday- a day that I typically worry about students feeling left out. I guess one positive result from not being able to have super bowl parties with those outside of our families, is that no one is feeling left out, unincluded and not invited. Those of you who have been reading my columns for years know that I have discussed (and I quote) the social pressure it places on children to feel included.  How terrible it feels for a child to have nowhere to go when it appears that all his/her friends have been invited...  Every year there is someone not invited to a super bowl party.  Every year there is someone worried that he will not be invited. Every year there is someone embarrassed to admit he hasn’t been invited. Every year someone is excluded and sitting on the sidelines. 

This feeling of exclusion is exacerbated by social media and all the postings.  And, this is a topic I have written about many times and we cover in Advisory as well. 

I want to focus on scenario #6 that was submitted in the survey- A bunch of girls I thought I was friends with did a group costume for Purim and left me out. That wouldn’t have been so bad, but then they posted it everywhere - which made me feel terrible!

Group costumes- another source of feeling left out.  While it is not even  Rosh Chodesh Adar yet, I have already come across girls worried about who they will dress up with, knowing that there are groups forming and they are feeling left out.  That is why I felt the urge to write this column this week. 

As parents we know that at times our children will face disappointment and will feel left out. We will listen, empathize, and hug them. We may share similar situations that we have experienced and normalize it for them. We might even discuss other friendship options- if they are ready to hear those.  We might explore solutions with them.  We might even reach out to the school for help. And, we know that raising resilient children who can handle feeling left out is important. 

But, it is also important to raise children who are “includers.”  An includer is someone who has an awareness of those who feel left out and makes an effort to include them.  Includers

• Reach out to the “outsider”

• Are accepting of others

• Want others to feel a part of things

• Are nonjudgmental 

• Believe everyone is equally important and valued

Includers have a great talent and their “specialty in relationship building is with the“invisible people” and people who others ignore. You instinctively know what to say and how to include those who others ignore and leave out.” An includer even at times has the ability to see the person who might be physically in the middle of the group but is still feeling left out.  An includer always makes the circle wider so all can be included. 

  Dr. Donald Clifton, states that an includer “stretches the circle wider.”You want to include people and make them feel part of the group. In direct contrast to those who are drawn only to exclusive groups, you actively avoid those groups that exclude others. You want to expand the group so that as many people as possible can benefit from its support. You hate the sight of someone on the outside looking in. You want to draw them in so that they can feel the warmth of the group. You are an instinctively accepting person....We are all equally important. Thus, no one should be ignored. Each of us should be included. It is the least we all deserve.

So, when our children  leave the house to bar/ bat mitzvah, while it might seem hokey, we should say, “Have fun. Look for someone to include.” (Be an includer!). 

It is not enough to raise our children not to be bullies or to not exclude others purposefully. We need to raise includers.  We can do this by actively asking them, “Are there any kids in your class who are left out? Anyone you think we should invite to join?”  Thus the first step to being an includer is to be a “noticer.” Usually children are not leaving out others because they are being mean. Usually it is because no one notices.  Notice the one who is standing alone at recess. Notice the one who doesn’t seem to have a lot of friends. 

 Nicole on the website coffeandcarpool.com notes the difference between being kind and being an includer.  Being kind is simple. It is “It’s a smile, helping someone without being asked and it’s a general lack of meanness.”  But, being an includer is more than kindness.  It’s pausing what you’re doing and actively looking around for someone who is alone. It’s preemptively searching for someone who is silently asking for help. And then it’s going out of your way, and sometimes out of your comfort zone, to include them in what you’re doing. Being an includer is bringing people together. Includers pause what they are doing and invite others to join.   

This anonymous Nicole says that each day when she drops her children off at school she reminds them to be “includers.”  I may not be able to change the whole world by making it a kinder place.  But I improve my small corner of the world by teaching our kids to change one other kid’s world.

I know that covid has exacerbated some of the feelings of being left out that some of our students feel.  With the cold weather, it isn’t possible to invite “just one more” to a backyard distanced get-together.  And, those who often feel excluded feel even more excluded, and they cannot just easily invite someone over. 

Speaking of “just one more,” let’s get back to our Purim inclusiveness. Last year we started our “just one more” Mishloach Manot campaign.

As a reminder...As children we learned that the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 128:1 states that Elul is an acronym for “Ani l'dodi v'dodi li” - I am to my beloved as my beloved is to me-  depicting our relationship with Hashem which we work on in Elul. (Yes, I know we begin Adar at the end of this week!) But, the Shulchan Aruch also states that it stands for “u'mishloach manot ish l'reaehu u’matanot l’evyonim”-Sending gifts from a person to his friend and presents to the poor”(Esther 9:22). What does Purim have to do with Elul? It is not about Purim, but rather sharing that the way to work on our relationship with Hashem is through working on our relationships with others.  I imagine that the people of Shushan did not only give Mishloach Manot to their particular friends.  What would it be like if we delivered a package this Purim to someone who could use a friend?  What if we were to encourage our children to do so as well? What if we were to focus on the skill of empathy and encourage our children to imagine what it feels like to receive no packages on Purim day?  Let’s be includers. 

And, then there are the costumes. What is the purpose of the costumes to begin with? There are a number of explanations, but Rabbi Epharim Greenblatt says that based on a halacha in Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim 694:3,  on Purim we mask our identity so that the poor who need to go around collecting money should not be embarrassed.  Costumes are one way we show concern for others and help them maintain their dignity.  Can we be includers when it comes to costumes as well? 

The theme of Purim is unity.  “There is a certain people who are scattered and separate..” says Haman. When they were disunited Haman had power over them. And, to combat the evil plan of Haman Esther urges Mordechai to “Go , assemble and gather the Jews.”  Only through unity and through being includers will the salvation come. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students focused on netiquette. 

Seventh Grade: Students uncovered the power of self-talk in combatting stress.

Eighth Grade:  Students discussed preparing for the admissions news this coming Tuesday and how to cope with both good and disappointing news.  

Square Pegs In Round Holes

 

        Some of my favorite students over the years have been what I lovingly call “square pegs.”  They are the students who just don’t fit into those round holes. They do not conform with the general population and often struggle trying to fit in. Actually, I often find that those “square pegs” may be content the way they are and it is the adults in their lives- whether us or their parents- who worry about getting them to fit in. What if your son isn’t into athletics and is more interested in reading, music or art?  What if your daughter really just doesn’t care about how she looks when her classmates do? The question is, should we encourage these children to conform and try to fit in?  Will life then be easier for them? 

Some children might feel proud of their individuality. Those who are more vulnerable may suffer from the pressure they put on themselves to fit in and view themselves as “misfits.”  Often, as parents, we place additional pressure on our children worried about their future- “How will he/she get into high school?” “Who will want to room with her in camp?”  The first part is taking a step back and not worrying about the future.  We do want to make sure our children feel understood.  We want to help them pursue their passions.  And, when we have to help them acquire skills or interests they don’t have, just so that they will succeed in school and in life we need to be careful.  Debbie Roer in her book Differently Wired writes and worries that , “our kids may begin believing they’re not okay.”  We also need to consider when we are working to bring our children more into the mainstream,  “Whose need is it?”  Is it more important to me that my child fit in and he is content the way he is? 

One way to better understand these “square peg” children is by understanding the concept of “goodness of fit.”  When a child’s character traits fit well into the  environment and the people in the environment that is considered “goodness of fit.”  When the child’s temperament and abilities meet the demands and expectations of the environment that is a good fit.  Oftentimes, children are not a good fit with their family, for example. They may come from a family where the parents are quite social and they are introverts.

If we can help create a goodness of fit, we can help raise their self-esteem, avoid conflict, build a better relationship with our children. We first need to understand our child’s temperament and how that might be different from our own.  When we are then presenting her with situations we need to consider how well that situation may fit with her temperament. And, when she must engage in an activity that does not fit with her temperament, what can we do to be more understanding, not show frustration and anticipate her needs by helping her ease into the situation?  There are going to be times in life when she will encounter situations that are not good fits for  her. How can she manage? What can she do to persist and get through it? 

But, there is a difference between belonging and fitting in. Bene Brown, in her book The Gifts of Imperfection

“One of the biggest surprises in this research was learning that fitting in and belonging are not the same thing and in fact, fitting in gets in the way of belonging. Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted.  Belonging doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”

"In fact, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I've discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely—it's showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are—love of gourd painting, intense fear of public speaking and all. Many of us suffer from this split between who we are and who we present to the world in order to be accepted.  But we're not letting ourselves be known, and this kind of incongruent living is soul-sucking."

Children often feel that they must fit in at all costs- and that is the only way to belong. They are bombarded by media that reinforces that message.  You need to wear the right clothes, hang out with the right kids etc.  Dr. Brown demonstrates the pressure to fit in is “Shame-based” telling children that they are not good enough.

Dr. Karen Pace, in her article, “Help kids learn the difference between ‘fitting in’ and ‘belonging’” quotes Dr. Brown’s research and highlights focus groups Dr. Brown ran with eighth graders. They shared, in her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead, some quotes that just say it all:

• Belonging is being somewhere where you want to be, and they want you. Fitting in is being somewhere you really want to be, but they don’t care one way or the other.

• Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else.

• I get to be me if I belong. I have to be like you to fit in.

Interestingly enough, children often begin to feel this “not fitting in” sensation as in middle school. Jeni Marinucci, in her article “Not Fitting In At School: How To Help Your Child”  quotes psychologist Paulo Pires notes that this timing is not coincidental. “‘From nine until eleven- what we call middle childhood- kids start to gain awareness of similarities and differences within peer groups, and hierarchies begin to develop. This puts some kids in the “cool” group while others float on the periphery.’ Pires’ colleague, Shonna John, adds that... This stage of development is completely normal, but it’s not easy for those left out. Some kids are naturally into activities considered popular, which at this age tend to be athletics, but not everyone can be a sports star. Where does that leave the bookworm, theatre aficionado or computer whiz?”

        Belonging begins by giving your child permission to be who he is.  And, overall, the ability to be comfortable in his own skin.

But, he also needs to know when there are times to fit in. There are times when it is in your best interest to not share one’s true opinions or personality.  There are rules of manners and etiquette that our children need to learn as well.  There are children who do benefit from social skills groups to help them “fit in” better at times.  But, no matter what, we love them for who they are. 

Above all, our children do need to know that if a group of friends makes you feel as if you are always trying to fit in and never truly belong, they probably are not the right friends for you.  

The Gemara Sanhedrin 38a speaks of the creation of Adam HaRishon:

“The mishna teaches: And this serves to tell of the greatness of the Holy One, Blessed be He, as when a person stamps several coins with one seal, they are all similar to each other. But the supreme King of kings, the Holy One, Blessed be He, stamped all people with the seal of Adam the first man, as all are his offspring, and not one of them is similar to another.” 

Hashem did create us all with similarities to Adam, and there are some behaviors we engage in that are common to us all. At times we need to fit in. But, let us remind our children that Hashem created every single one of us to be different and to be individuals.  We are all unique and let us not give up that which makes us different  in order to fit in.  And, as Sara Radcliffe states in her article “Square Pegs,”  “Being one’s best self always involves being one’s true self.  Hashem makes no mistakes.” 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Using the steps of empathy- how can teachers and students ensure to provide each other with mutual respect? 

Seventh Grade:  Students focused on the power of upbeat thinking. 

Eighth Grade:  Using the skills of empathy how can parents and children get along better?

A Relationship-Building Blessing On Your Head

 

            Every Friday night my father, a”h, would bless us.  Each child would wait his or her turn for the beracha.  In my home, my children receive a beracha every Friday night as well. Now that my son is Israel for the year, he receives his over the phone before Shabbat begins.  This Friday night blessing has always been an integral piece of my Shabbat experience.  In many homes, the beracha that parents give their children each Friday night is a highlight of the week.

Why am I considering this beracha now? As we know, a piece of this beracha was found in yesterday’s parasha, as Yaakov tells Ephraim and Menashe that their names will be used for blessing for generations to come

וַיְבָ֨רֲכֵ֜ם בַּיּ֣וֹם הַהוּא֘ לֵאמוֹר֒ בְּךָ֗ יְבָרֵ֤ךְ יִשְׂרָאֵל֙ לֵאמֹ֔ר יְשִֽׂמְךָ֣ אֱלֹקים כְּאֶפְרַ֖יִם וְכִמְנַשֶּׁ֑ה 

So he blessed them on that day, saying, "With you, Israel will bless, saying, 'May God make you like Ephraim and like Manasseh,' "

And, in truth, that is the case. Every boy on Friday night is blessed that Hashem should make him like Ephraim and Menashe. 

In general, parashat Vayechi contains the individual blessings for each of the 12 sons of Yaakov.  What is the importance of giving a child a blessing and what can it teach us as parents?  What should we be thinking about on  Friday night as our children receive these berachot that can make us better parents?  

Rabbi Seth Grauer, in his article “Perspectives on Education, Pedagogy and Parenting” states that one of the first references to this custom of blessing one’s children comes from Rabbi Aharon Berachia ben Moshe of Modina, a 17th century kabbalist. He said,  “that these blessings will be fulfilled not only for the child being blessed, but for the parent doing the blessing as well.” Somehow, this beracha makes an impact on not only the children, but on us as parents as well. 

He then quotes Rabbi Yaakov Tzvi Mecklenberg, a 19th century German commentator on the siddur who “noted that during the week parents can at times (unfortunately) curse their children because of the strife that can occur between them. The blessing on Friday night is a way for parents and children to reconnect.”  Hopefully Rabbi Mecklenberg is exaggerating, but I believe that he is crystallizing that the first goal of this beracha is.  It forces us as parents to push away all the stress and strife we have had with our children over the week and to simply love them.  We take a few minutes to consider how much we cherish them and how much they mean to us.  (We should probably have a beracha for our spouses too!) 

Grauer then quotes Senator Joe Lieberman from his book The Gift of Rest 

“Of all the things that observant Jews do on the Sabbath …I would put blessing your family high on the list. It is a priceless moment of connection that no matter what has happened during the week, the parent feels blessed to have that child… As a parent you know that weeks can go by when you think of your children less as blessings and more as problems to be solved… Stopping to bless your children once a week makes us pause to appreciate how blessed we are to have them in the first place and reminds them of the love we feel for them.” 

No matter what has happened that week, if you take a moment to hug your children, kiss their heads and bless them, you send them the message that you will always love them...no matter what. 

Dr. Wendy Mogul,  in her book Blessing of a B-, stresses the particular impact of this beracha on teens: 

“My favorite part” (she writes),  “of Shabbat with teens is the traditional blessing of the children… The thirty seconds it takes to say the blessing are intimate, tender, and wildly unlike everyday teen-parent interactions. I’ve never seen a teen resist it. The prayer is beautiful, and particularly touching when said over a teen who is in an undivine state of development…” 

 

 Let us delve deeper into additional meanings and impacts this blessing can have on us by beginning with a common question - why like Ephraim and Menashe? Why were they chosen to be the source of blessing?  The question becomes even stronger as we see that girls are blessed to be like Sarah, Rivkah, Rachel and Leah.  Why do we not bless boys to be like the patriarchs?  One popular answer given is that if you look at all the brothers since the beginning of the Tanach, Ephraim and Menashe were the first two brothers who got along.  We know that Yaakov flips his hands- puts his right hand on the younger and left hand on the older and yet they are not jealous of each other and do not compete. Unlike Kayin and Hevel, Yitzchak and Yishmael, Yaaov and Eisav and Yoseph and the rest of the brothers- Menashe and Ephraim do not battle, but accept their grandfather’s beracha with love. 

If I take a moment to consider the hecticness of the week in my home I think about the everyday noise. “No he did it!” “Why do I have to set the table- it’s her turn?!”  “I want to sit in the front seat- why does he get to?”   Even in the most harmonious of homes we hear these sounds all week. And, then the calmness of Shabbat sets in. We take a moment to stop and bless our children.  One of the utmost wishes that we have is that they should simply get along and there should be peace in the home.

Interestingly enough, how do we make that happen? Not by doing a group hug and blessing them all at once. Rather each child gets his/her individual blessing and attention. 

 Slovie Jungreis- Wolff, in her article, “Battling Sibling Rivalry” differentiates between sibling disagreements and sibling rivalry. With normal disagreements, the children normally get along, and have fights and conflicts at times.

 “Rivalry is defined as a contest, competition, or conflict. We are talking about brothers and sisters who are constantly competing against each other. Life is one big tug of war, each side pulling against the other.

These children are constantly measuring and comparing:
“Hey! Why did she get a bigger piece of cake than me?”
“When I was his age, you never let me stay up so late!”
“Why does he get a playstation for his birthday and you never bought a gift like that for me?”

At times, that rivalry continues into adulthood, as Jungreis notes,
“I should’ve gotten that raise!”
“Why does my sister have such a great life?”
“How did my brother ever get that job? I am so much smarter than him!”
Such individuals never feel at peace. They are forever comparing and don’t know how to be content with what they have.

The root of  this rivalry is people seeing life through an “envious lens.”  We feed this jealousy when we treat each child the same- give them the exact size slice of cake, buy all the children toys at the same time and overall try to treat them the “same.”  This is the error! No one in life is exactly the same. This fosters the contest and it grows “uglier.” When we teach our children that no two people in life are the same- we have our own talents, dislikes and even needs they come to realize they don’t need what their sibling needs.  Jungreis gives a parable:

Being jealous is like eyeing someone else’s gorgeous piece of luggage. Nothing inside fits.
When I was a little girl, I was taught that being jealous is like eyeing someone else’s gorgeous piece of luggage. You lug it home excitedly, open it up, and realize too late that nothing fits. Besides, half the stuff inside isn’t even your taste.

Parents should not help children eye the lives of others. Kids should know that every child in the family is appreciated for his or her specific individuality. We also should not encourage the tantrums and discontent by striving to make each situation equal...And part of being a mensch in this world is being able to look at others without malice.

In Bereishit 50:28 if we look at the berachat of Yaakov to his sons it states, “All these are the twelve tribes of Israel... every one according to his blessing he blessed them.” We know that each tribe got his own individual blessing according to his own personality, abilities and future paths.  We too can incorporate that in our Friday night blessings, despite the text being set.  Rabbi Grauer thereby suggests:

There is a standard form of this bracha, as most of you know, but there is no reason that one cannot improvise and add one’s own blessing either as a weekly standard or a special prayer made to fit the circumstance of the week. Bottom line, each child gets his or her private moment with a parent – or even both parents.

Each child gets a personalized prayer, a hope, an apology perhaps, or maybe an expression of love whispered in their ear, intimately shared as if there were no one else present.

Each child receives a unique kiss in their own way. Those thirty second moments, added up over years of Shabbatot, result in an experience and a bond that many children look back upon fondly.

That experience ties children to their parents and to Shabbat in ways that are profoundly moving. In turn, those moments leave an impact not only on the child but on the parent as well, providing one with perspective on the week and on one’s child.

Adina Soclof, in her article, “Bless Your Children” highlights that one can individualize each child’s beracha by a special hug, gesture, or inside joke that makes it unique for that child. 

Taking a moment aside for each child, giving each one his/her blessing, reminds us of the importance as parents to provide each child with his/her own piece of luggage.  And, as we bless them we think, “May my children get along and love each other,  and always be there for each other.” May they always remember, as my mother is fond of saying, “Family first.” 

A second common explanation for why Ephraim and Menashe were chosen is because they grew up in Egypt and were able to stay true to their Jewish heritage even when surrounded by negative influences.  As parents of teens we know that our most fervent wish is that our children will be able to stand up to negative peer pressure.  Where did Ephraim and Menashe gain this ability to stand up to negative influences?  From their father Yoseph. 

For those who have been reading my column for some time, you will recognize that this is my opportunity to bring up my favorite Gemara regarding Yoseph, Yaakov and parenting. When Yoseph was in the house of Potiphar, far from home and his family, he faced the difficult situation of the wife of Potiphar. The Gemara in Sotah 36b describes that the wife of Potiphar had him by the coat and “ At that moment his father's image came and appeared to him through the window and said: 'Joseph, your brothers will have their names inscribed upon the stones of the ephod and yours amongst theirs; is it your wish to have your name expunged from amongst theirs and be called an associate of harlots?' Immediately his bow abode in strength.”

Clearly Yoseph's father was far away in Canaan- how could he have seen the image of his father Yaakov in the window? That image of Yaakov that he saw was the voice in his head. Over and over he had heard his father say, “Good boys don't act that way. In our family, our values are...” And, of course, like any teenager, (Yoseph was just 17 when he went to Egypt), he said to his dad, “I know, I know- why do you keep on telling me the same thing?!” And, yet, Yaakov continued sending those messages. That is why, when faced with a challenge to his morality, he heard that voice in his head.

So, when we have our frequent “talks” with our children they say to us, “I know, I know- enough already!” And, yet when they are faced with challenge, whether peer pressure to do the wrong thing or the temptation to engage in any at-risk behavior, or even the temptation to skip their homework, they will hear our voices in their head, and practically see our images before them reminding them of what they should do.  

So, when we bless them on Friday night we are thinking “May they have the strength and ability to withstand negative influences and peer pressure. May they be able to hear my values echoing in their ears and stay safe.” 

Adina Soclof, focuses on some other ways we as parents can use the blessing to keep us centered and grounded.  In addition to some of the points we have outlined above, she notes that it is a perfect time to focus on how grateful we are.  As peace has descended on our homes we are truly grateful for all that G-d has given us-both material possessions and spiritual sustenance, and of course, our families.  It is also a fitting time to think of others whose material and spiritual needs may not be met, or may not have parents who are equipped to bless them, and send some blessings their way. 

The Friday night blessing is our opportunity as parents to remind ourselves of what is important in life, and to relay strengthening messages to our children. 

It has been many years since my father, a”h,  has blessed me. In fact, we are approaching his 18th yahrzeit this coming יא שבט.   But, I can still feel the sensation of his beard on my head as he blessed me and kissed me each Friday night. There is nothing like that feeling that you are loved. Let us remind our children of that each Friday night or as often as we can. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students discussed more of what is considered proper etiquette in a school setting. 

Seventh Grade:  Students discussed the impact of mindset and grit on resiliency. 

Eighth Grade:  Students began a unit on the changing relationship with parents that they are facing as adolescents.

The Eyes- Windows To The Soul

 I recall the first day of school looking into the faces of our new sixth graders thinking, “How will I ever learn their names when I cannot even see their faces?” Thank G-d, I have been getting to know them underneath those masks. 

 

Before I returned to school I purchased a number of clear masks thinking I would need them so that I could connect with the students. I actually haven’t even worn them.  

 

But, mask-wearing has most definitely changed our regular everyday communication.  It is harder to communicate  and speaking with someone requires our full attention.  Facial expressions are an integral part of communication.  In fact, research done before Covid-19 on patients’ perceptions of doctors with and without masks indicates that patients had more negative perceptions of doctors when they wore masks.  How does mask wearing affect our emotional recognition and social interaction? 

 

 

Dustin York, in “How To Build Rapport...While Wearing A Mask” highlights his acronym  P.A.V.E.- strategies needed for better communication  while wearing face masks.  Pause- since it is hard to see when we are pausing, we should accentuate our pauses so listeners know when they can jump in.  Accentuate- Use different intonation.  Volume- speak up.  Emotion-  make your voice more expressive. 

 

Like many Covid-19 experiences, wearing masks has taught me a thing or two about communication skills we implement during this mask-wearing time that we can carry over into our general social skills as well.  One such skill is active listening- when listening to another if we nod our heads and even say sentences like, “I got you,” “Really?”  or by paraphrasing what they said, “So, you mean..” “I hear that you are saying…”  they feel heard. Active listening is a skill we should always use, but absolutely necessary when wearing a mask.  

 

Another communication skill to carry over to post-covid life is having to verbalize some things that before mask wearing were evident from our facial expressions.  We need to state our emotions out loud. We cannot assume someone will read between the lines and get what we are saying, and then in turn be upset when he/she does not.  Just say it!    At times, the best way to know how someone is feeling if we cannot tell is to ask them to tell us.  

 

The paying attention to the tone of voice of the speaker in order to ascertain emotional content is also another lesson that we can glean from this time period. And, of course, as the speaker, making the effort to make our tone of voice clear for the listener. 

 

Most importantly, eye contact has become essential. Eyes are truly “windows to the soul.”  They are the key to emotional connectedness. When people are upset they might furrow their eyes, and when happy they open them up wider. They might crinkle when laughing or roll them when they are annoyed or showing contempt. When concerned  their eyes widen.   One can tell when someone is faking happiness by looking at his/her eyes.  Drs. Sebastiaan Mothot and and Stefan Van der Stigchel demonstrated that the size of a person's pupils can tell us about their emotions and intentions.  Our pupils dilate when we are aroused. When we are interested in something our pupils dilate. When we are simply faking being interested our pupils will not dilate.  There is an actual pupillary response that corresponds to our expectations and emotions.  Additionally, "Eye contact, although it occurs over a gap of yards, is not a metaphor," psychiatrists Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, and Richard Lannon write in "A General Theory Of Love." "When we meet the gaze of another, two nervous systems achieve a palpable and intimate apposition."

 

 A 2018 study found that when we make eye contact with another we are more likely to “engage in selfless, altruistic behavior.” We are also more likely to remember the details of our interaction with the other and to deem the other more positively.  And, a Wall Street Journal Article, “Just Look Me In The Eye Already” states that an adult makes eye contact only 30-60% of the time in a conversation, but emotional connection is only made when the eye contact is made 60-70% of the conversation.  

 

Clearly during this time the ability to read the language of the eyes is essential.  But, this is a skill that we need to carry over to social skills post-covid.  And, of course, making eye contact is plain old polite. 

Teens especially are not particularly fond of making eye contact. They are self-conscious and generally look down at their phones so are not used to eye contact. 

And, as we know, technology has changed the way teens make eye contact.  It is not unusual to see a group of teens sitting together all looking at their phones and not at each other. In the age of technology we feel too vulnerable and awkward when making eye contact and often retreat to our phones to make contact with others.  Connecting with others through social media is superficial.  Communicating by digital means alone is not a way to develop a deep relationship or keep it going.  We are raising a generation of teens who are more comfortable communicating via phone than in person.  

And, just the mere presence of a phone, even if we are not looking at the screen, lowers the quality of the in-person conversation. The study, published in the journal Environment and Behavior, confirms the findings of a 2013 lab-based study in a real-world setting. It suggests you don't have to be actively checking your phone for it to divide your attention.  If subjects held a phone on the table or in their hand during the conversation, they rated the conversation to be “less fulfilling” compared to conversations that took place without the phones present.  There were less “feelings of interpersonal connectedness” and less “empathetic concern.” 

"Mobile phones hold symbolic meaning in advanced technological societies," a research team led by Shalini Misra of Virginia Tech University writes. "In their presence, people have the constant urge to seek out information, check for communication, and direct their thoughts to other people and worlds.  Even without active use, the presence of mobile technologies has the potential to divert individuals from face-to-face exchanges, thereby undermining the character and depth of these connections. Individuals are more likely to miss subtle cues, facial expressions, and changes in the tone of their conversation partner's voice, and have less eye contact."

And, there seems to be some long-term effects of technology use on a teen’s ability to read non-verbal emotional cues.  Dr. Patricia Greenfield invited teens to spend five days at an overnight camp without any technology. Compared to a control group who had all their technology with them, the children at the camp were better at reading non-verbal emotional cues. 

How do we teach our children to have eye contact which is an important component of emotional connectedness and an essential part of having manners?  First demonstrate how important it is by demonstrating when they are trying to speak to you how it feels to have your eyes wandering.  Explain that not only is it polite to look someone in the eye , but it does demonstrate empathy- they are truly hearing them. Then they should  practice for short amounts of time at first.  Have them look in between someone’s eyebrows to start. Tell them to see the color of a person’s eyes when they speak for however amount of time they can.  

The impact of technology on the ability to make eye contact affects us as adults as well.  In this age of multitasking, it has become the norm to have a conversation with no eye contact at all. Carolyn Gregorie in her article “How Technology is Killing Eye Contact,” says it aptly: 

 "All too often we're like cornered animals with our eyes darting from device to human and back to device," Daniel Sieberg, author of "The Digital Diet: The Four-Step Plan To Break Your Tech Addiction And Regain Balance In Your Life," tells The Huffington Post. "Eye contact can be especially meaningful in today's world of constant partial attention and it conveys a sentiment that the person you're with matters. Taking that extra time when possible can really yield benefits with face-to-face interaction."

 

However, most of us have become accustomed to conversations where digital devices interrupt eye contact: You're in a conversation with an acquaintance whose gaze is directed down at a screen while you're speaking, a friend jumps into the dinner conversation without looking up from the text she's composing, or you catch yourself nodding along to your daughter's story while reading an email. These interactions aren't just what previous generations would have considered rude: They're also undermining our ability to connect with the people in our lives. 

We adults struggle with eye contact as well, but we are reminded of the importance of eye contact as parents and transmitting that importance to our children at all times- even after covid. Eye contact is essential for a true connection with our children.   “Look at me when I am speaking to you,” we might say to our children.  We want to see that they are truly listening.  We can feel their emotions more and in turn they can feel ours.  They can see the love in our eyes when they are looking at us. We too, as parents, are finding that in this age of technology we are spending less time making eye contact with our children.  We too are engaged in digital multitasking. 

 The one on one time we spend with our children when we look into their eyes is desperately needed.  Cindy Webb in her article, “The Importance of Making Eye Contact With Your Children,” speaks about three important steps to making a connection with your child- even when they are teens. 1. Physical Touch 2. Eye Contact 3. Focused Attention.  We still need to hug them and kiss them  goodbye. We should make dates with them to have focused attention- where we are fully present.  Eye contact represents that focus- that only they are the center of our world. Christine Carter, Ph.D., author of Raising Happiness, 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents, writes,  “It is the bull’s eye- the sweet spot of parenting. Sure, kids need time to just hang around with us while we check our email or cook dinner and they read or do their homework. But they also need us to focus on them a little bit each day, be totally present with them.”  We need to make good eye contact as they tell us about their day.  No yelling up the steps, but waiting to speak so we can see their eyes.

 

The Gemara Avodah Zarah 28b states: , דשורייני דעינא באובנתא דליבא תלו “The muscles of the eye are connected to the heart.” Our eyes have a deep connection to our emotions. No wonder eye contact is essential for developing connections with other and most importantly with our children.  Wearing masks is just another opportunity to focus on that eye contact and connection. 

 

 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began a segment on how to determine appropriate behavior in class with teachers.

 

Seventh Grade:  Students focused on resiliency and how we have the choice how to perceive situations. 

 

Eighth Grade:  Students began the 2nd half of our Advisory curriculum focusing on life after Yavneh- skills they will need for high school life.