Pesach, Freedom and Technology Use

         This past week, we had a parent workshop on “Raising Healthy Children in a Digital World” by Dr. Eli Shapiro.  In thinking about it, the weeks before Pesach is a perfect time to have a workshop on this topic.  Pesach is זמן חרותנו- the time of our Freedom.  As parents and educators we appreciate all that technology has to offer, especially during covid, in educating our children and keeping them connected socially during this difficult time. But, we also recognize the addictive nature of technology and how it has taken over much of our lives. How can we achieve freedom from that harm while enjoying all that technology has to offer? 

Dr. Shapiro was able to offer some important insights and guidance in this area, which I will share, but first let us consider,  what is true freedom- חרות? (And, thereby have a Dvar Torah to share at the seder as well!)  It says in Shemot 32:16

 וְהַ֨לֻּחֹ֔ת מַעֲשֵׂ֥ה אֱלֹקים הֵ֑מָּה וְהַמִּכְתָּ֗ב מִכְתַּ֤ב אֱלֹקים֙ ה֔וּא חָר֖וּת עַל־הַלֻּחֹֽת׃

The tablets were God’s work, and the writing was God’s writing, engraved upon the tablets.

The Mishna Avot 6:2 on this words says,

וְאוֹמֵר (שמות לב) וְהַ֨לֻּחֹ֔ת מַעֲשֵׂ֥ה אֱלֹקים הֵ֑מָּה וְהַמִּכְתָּ֗ב מִכְתַּ֤ב אֱלֹקים֙ ה֔וּא חָר֖וּת עַל־הַלֻּחֹֽת.

אַל תִּקְרָא חָרוּת אֶלָּא חֵרוּת, שֶׁאֵין לְךָ בֶן חוֹרִין אֶלָּא מִי שֶׁעוֹסֵק בְּתַלְמוּד תּוֹרָה

And it says, “And the tablets were the work of God, and the writing was the writing of God, graven upon the tablets” (Exodus 32:16). Read not haruth [‘graven’] but heruth [ ‘freedom’]. For there is no free man but one that occupies himself with the study of the Torah.

This famous mishna is often discussed.  The rules of the Torah seem demanding and limiting and if anything limit our freedom?!?  How can the obligation to follow the laws of the Torah be freeing? However, this commentary from the mishna clearly indicates that this view of the laws of the Torah is mistaken.

We usually see freedom as the ability to be free from the control of others.  But, freedom is also the ability to be free from the control of our internal impulses,  instincts and passions.  As Rabbi Mayer Twersky says in his article “Learning To Be Free”  “One who is hostage to his own anger, or cannot curb his desire for physical pleasure or is forever driven to seek honor and riches may be politically free, but leads a brutal, slavish existence.  By contrast, one who refines his instincts and redeems his passions, and, thus ennobled, is truly free.”   The Torah provides those limits which enable us to be truly free. 

And, that is why Pesach and Shavuot are connected by the counting of the days from one to the other in sefirat haomer. Shavuot is actually the culmination and completion of the Exodus. It is as if in leaving Egypt the Jews only achieved physical freedom. But, in receiving the Torah their freedom was finalized as they achieved internal freedom.  And, interestingly enough, when Moshe approached the burning bush and Hashem first tells him about the Exodus, Hashem says, 

וַיֹּ֙אמֶר֙ כִּֽי־אֶֽהְיֶ֣ה עִמָּ֔ךְ וְזֶה־לְּךָ֣ הָא֔וֹת כִּ֥י אָנֹכִ֖י שְׁלַחְתִּ֑יךָ בְּהוֹצִֽיאֲךָ֤ אֶת־הָעָם֙ מִמִּצְרַ֔יִם תַּֽעַבְדוּן֙ אֶת־הָ֣אֱלֹקים עַ֖ל הָהָ֥ר הַזֶּֽה׃

And He said, “I will be with you; that shall be your sign that it was I who sent you. And when you have freed the people from Egypt, you shall serve God at this mountain.”

This pasuk clearly indicates that getting the Torah at Har Sinai is part of the Exodus.  Additionally, notice the language used תַּֽעַבְדוּן֙ - serve. The same root as “slave” עבד. The true way to be free was to not live lives with no rules. They will still “serve,” but their serving Hashem through keeping Torah will ironically free them from their instincts, passions and internal impulses. 

Dr. Shapiro spent some time speaking about the impact technology has on our social, physical (health) and emotional lives.  Technology has the ability to grab our constant attention and keep us coming back. One parent asked why we spend excessive amounts of time with our devices if we know of the negative effects?  He compared it to the sugar high we often pursue. We know that eating 12 cookies is not good for us, but we often overeat anyway.  In  the moment it feels wonderful.  Setting boundaries before the cookies appear is the key. 

 Our children do not have the ability to self-regulate their technology use. How do we help them free themselves from the compulsion they often face to be constantly on their devices- whether as toddlers  or teens? It might sound simple: by making a “Torah” or as Dr. Shapiro said:  By making rules, discussing the rules, and keeping the rules.  Rules are what provide the freedom from the negative effects of technology.  While most experts recommend developing a contract with your child before giving him/her a device, the conversation before that contract to give them a say in the development of that contract is essential.  

We know that all technology use is not the same. Not all screen time is equal.  In assessing the screen time in which our children are engaged, said Dr. Shapiro, we need to assess the purposes of their device usage:

1. Consumption- Netflix binging is not the same as a game with friends.

2. Complementary- Is there interactivity, visual motor development, problem solving, social interaction- what else are they gaining when they are engaged?

3. Creativity- distance learning is the highest level of using devices for creative purposes. 

We as adults need to model setting limits and rules as well.  We need those limits to achieve our own freedom, but also to set examples for our children. 1800 parents were surveyed by Common Sense Media, (a wonderful resource for parents which I often discuss in my column!), and they stated they spend at least 9 hours and 22 minutes of screen time each day, and 8 of those hours were for personal use and not for their job.  This research is from before the pandemic, and I imagine these numbers would now be higher!  Interestingly enough, of those same parents, 80% of them said they were good role models for their children on how to use technology.  

Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, z”l, an expert on addictions, discussed in his article “Addicted” a definition of addiction: “The definition is simple. The ultimate distinction between man and animals is not that man is more intelligent, but that animals are creatures that have no choice over their behavior. They must do whatever their bodies demand. They cannot choose what they should do. Man has the ability of self-control, to choose one's behavior, even in defiance of physical urges. Losing the ability to choose is losing the uniqueness of being a human being. If a person loses one's ability to choose and is dominated by urges one cannot control, one is indeed an addict.  We pride ourselves on liberty and view slavery as evil because it dehumanizes a person. And that is exactly what happens when we relinquish our ability to choose.”

Here again, we see the mention that true freedom- חרות- is the key to overcoming addiction- including addiction to technology.  Dr. Twerski continues that technology has eroded our tolerance for delay and we need instant gratification.  So, we are constantly pursuing pleasure and gratification.  How do we combat this reality? 

“There is no reason to avoid enjoying things, but we must demonstrate to our children that there is more to life than pursuit of pleasure.”  Living a life of Torah character traits, says Twerski,  models for our children this messages and helps them internalize the boundaries they need. 

This year, as we sit at our seders we will say הָשַׁתָּא עַבְדֵי  לְשָׁנָה הַבָּאָה בְּנֵי חוֹרִין׃ Now, we are slaves; next year, may we be free. When we do so, let us consider how to help our children achieve self-regulation through boundaries and rules we set for and with them leading to internal freedom- true חרות. 

 Advisory Update: 

Sixth Grade: Students continued their unit on organization focusing on how to avoid those heavy backpacks and messy lockers.

Seventh Grade: Students began their unit Do Not Stand Idly by discussing the obligation to stand up to injustice.

Eighth Grade:  Students discussed “Who is a hero” and what happens if someone they idolize, particularly a celebrity, does something immoral- does he/she lose that hero status? 

Parent- Teacher, Parent- Child and Child- Parent Conferences

 Parent teacher conferences seem to obviously be between parents and teachers.  Middle schoolers, however, are at an age where I feel they should play more of a role in parent teacher conferences even though they aren’t physically present during the conferences. The proactive pre- conference with our children is the key. 

The Child- Parent Conference

We actually encourage the students themselves to have proactive conversations with their parents as well. In fact, before our middle schoolers get their first report cards we discuss with them in Advisory “How to talk to your parents about your report card?”  We share with them that based on experience, parents appreciate when they are up front and honest with them about their report cards EVEN BEFORE THEY SEE THEM.  The same with grades. When they get bad grades, it is always a good idea to tell their parents before they find out.  We discuss how that creates a partnership where both of you are worried and working together to make changes happen.  We even role play with them two different scenarios and discuss with them “Which one is better?”  

Parents Surprised by the Report Card

Narrator:  Mrs. Smith  just received Carlos’ report card.  He got a C in Math and a D in Gemara.

Parent:  Carlos!  Come in here right now!!!!

Carlos:  What (innocently)?

 

Parent:  (Angrily) Why didn’t you tell me  you got a C in Math and a D in Gemara?  If you would have told me- I could have helped you!!! Now, what should we do?

Telling Before Report Cards Arrive

Narrator-  The report cards are being posted on Thursday.  Tuesday, Carlos comes home and says to his parents at the dinner table…

Carlos:  Mom, Dad, can we talk after dinner?

Mom:  Sure, honey.

Dad:  Yeah, no problem.

Narrator: Dinner ends and they all meet.

Dad: What’s wrong Carlos?

Carlos:  Well… It seems that I did not realize how poorly I was doing in Math and Gemara. I got a C in Math and a D in Gemara!

Mom: Why do you think that happened?

Carlos: Well, I was absent for a week, and then  I thought I caught up in Math and I really did not. And, in Gemara, I guess I was a bit lazy and did not realize how  much work it was. I won’t make that mistake again.  I have a plan of what I can do differently next time.  Like, maybe I’ll review my notes each night.  Or not study in front of the TV.  

Dad:  Well,  I’m glad to see that you have thought this through. Let’s sit together and figure out a solution.  

We talk to the students about the importance of having a plan.  It shows that they are willing to take responsibility. It shows  their parents that things might actually change next semester, since they will do things differently.  

We then follow up with the next lesson- setting goals of things they will improve for the next semester. 

The Parent- Child Conference

Similarly, we recommend you proactively sit with your child before conferences with his/her progress report.  Create a spirit of partnership and respect. First, make it clear that you will always be proud of them no matter how they do in school.  Then,  start with something positive- how proud you are of how much they tried in  __________. When you see a grade that isn’t what you expected to ask them why.  The key is to do a lot of listening and less talking.  Kenneth Ginsburg, co-founder of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication at CHOP, quoted in the article the Wall Street Journal article  “The Right Way for Parents to Question their Teenagers” notes, “the parents who know the most and who have the most influence over their child’s academics and behaviors aren’t the ones who ask lots of questions. They are often the ones who are the least reactive and who express warm, unconditional love and support.”

Help your children reveal what is standing in their way.  Are they having difficulty with notetaking? Are they confused about the material?  Did they forget to study? Are they distracted by their phone?  What is the root of the problem? What are they worried about?  We can model this conversation after the first “parent- child” conversation in the Tanach- that of Hashem and Adam. After Adam sinned Hashem did not say immediately, “Why did you eat from the tree from which I told you not to eat?” Rather, Hashem asked, even though He knew exactly where Adam was,  אַיֶּֽכָּה “Where are you?” waiting first to hear what Adam has to say and to listen. 

Then, set some goals together- what can they do differently?  Develop a practical plan of how they can improve their grades. Once you come up with a plan, write it down and communicate it later with the teacher at conferences. 

The key is not dwelling on the could haves or should haves, but focusing on the future.  That is what being proactive rather than reactive is all about. As Bluma Gordon writes in her article “Proactive or Reactive: What Kind of Life Are You Leading”  “Reactive people allow the past—their upbringing, mistakes, and others’ past wrongdoings–to dictate and shape their future. Proactive people allow the past to inspire and positively impact their future. They don’t get stuck in the past, but take lessons from the past.”

And, of course, to avoid the “blame game.”  Focusing more on what we can control and not what we cannot.  Reactive people focus on external problems outside their locus of control, such as other people’s disturbing behaviors, or circumstances they simply can’t change. Proactive people focus on that which is in their power to change, such as their own efforts or mindset.

Thus far we have discussed two types of proactive conferences

1. Child with parent

2. Parent with child

And, that brings us to the third c. Parent with teacher.

The Parent- Teacher Conference

By bringing what you have learned from the first two “conferences” to parent -teacher conferences, you are in essence showing the teacher that you are proactively ready to put  your heads together and partner with each other. Partnership is the key. If you arrive at conferences like “gangbusters” the conference will be a failure. Similar to some of the notes above start with something positive and remember to do lots of listening.  After listening, be frank and tell the teachers that you have met with your child and have discussed the concerns and ask her what she thinks of some of the solutions you come up with together. 

Dr. Wendy Mogel in her book Voice Lessons for Parents- What to Say, How to Say It and When to Listen,  devotes a chapter to the teacher- parent relationship.  She begins by recalling that when she was a child the teacher was always right. Today, she says, parents automatically side with the child. A consequence of  that reality  is that teachers are hesitant to provide frank assessments which can actually help the child.  Therefore, Dr. Mogel suggests, similar to what we noted with the parent- child pre-conferences, it is essential to  first create a sense of partnership and respect.  “...stress your support for the teacher and avoid words or deeds that will cause her to feel defensive. Within this framework you can still voice concerns, and the teacher will be more open to them because you’ve shown that you respect her work and commitment.”  

She continues:

1. Build an alliance with the teacher

2. Begin parent conferences with a flattering remark. 

3. Present your concerns not as criticism but as a desire to understand the teacher’s approach and help your child. 

4. If the teacher says something that upsets you, keep your reaction in check. 

And, then you can continue partnering with the teacher to plan. 

There will, of course, be one more conference when you finish your parent- teacher conferences- one more  parent- child conference in which you summarize and debrief with your child. While I know that some of you will not get to reading this column until after parent- teacher conferences, that last parent- child conference can most definitely benefit from this column’s content as well.  

As we sit down for the post- conferences parent- child conference, let us recall the words in the Gemara Sanhedrin 107b  “The right hand draws near and the left hand pushes away.” When we do need to be firm and correct misdeeds of our children we do so with our weaker hand. But,  we also need to remember to draw them near, with encouragement and positivity, with our stronger hand. Yael Trusch in her article “Seven Jewish Parenting Principles Inspired by Experience” quotes some ways to practically implement the Gemara’s advice as parents.  

Jewish psychologists and parenting experts recommend keeping ratios in mind to help us apply the aforementioned statement from the Talmud. Sarah Chanah Radcliffe suggests an 80:20 ratio of positive to negative interactions with our children (and our spouses) and 90:10 for teenagers. Rabbi Dr. Avraham Twerski recommends a 70:30 ratio. Dr. Miriam Adahan suggests ‘one-third love, one-third law and one-third sitting on your hands (i.e., turn a blind eye).’ Whatever ratio works for you and your individual child, the message is clear: Temper the discipline with a heavy dose of love.  No matter what their progress reports look like...No matter what report we get at conferences, we will always love them. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Sixth graders began a unit on Organization- bookbags, lockers, etc.

Seventh Grade: Students finished up their unit on coping with adversity in life with decorating “doggies” for ill children and learning about self-compassion.

Eighth Grade: Students continued the discussion about the ethics of cheating when it comes to the real world and sports. 

Authentic Teens- Inside and Out

 Last year, March 7, 2019,  was the date I wrote a column on the topic of Purim. In fact the topic was “The Daily Masks We Wear” - referring to psychological masks our teens wear throughout the year. In the article I considered the benefits and drawbacks of those “masks” for our teens. Little did I know then that a week later we would be out of school and we would still be wearing very real masks a year later.  The word mask has taken on a whole other meaning. 

A group of 8th graders came to me over a month ago to speak to me about a problem they felt some of the students in their class had. They felt their peers about whom they were concerned weren’t able to be themselves and felt peer pressure to act like everyone else and to not stand out.  These young ladies felt strongly that it is important for people to stand up for what they believe in and be themselves.  What can we do to help teens feel that they can be their “authentic” selves? (My term, not theirs). 

It reminded me of a paragraph from my last year’s column:  But, then there are the “metaphorical masks.” Teens are searching for independence, while at the same time searching for their identities.  “Who am I?”, they wonder.  They also are desperate to belong. Some teens try on different identities while growing up, thus wearing different masks.  Some are so desperate to be accepted, they wear a mask to make themselves seem like everyone else.  And, of course, they are terrified of others thinking they are not good enough...The more uncertain a teen feels the more he may feel the need to wear the mask. The more respected and safer he feels, the more he is able to be his authentic self. It is our job as the adults in their lives to help them feel respected and safe so they can remove their masks. 

This year, I want to focus more on what we can do to help our children be authentic and proud to be who they truly are. 

In this past week’s parasha we learned about the Aron. In Shemot 25:11 it states: Shemot 25:11

יאוְצִפִּיתָ֤ אֹתוֹ֙ זָהָ֣ב טָה֔וֹר מִבַּ֥יִת וּמִח֖וּץ תְּצַפֶּ֑נּוּ וְעָשִׂ֧יתָ עָלָ֛יו זֵ֥ר זָהָ֖ב סָבִֽיב:

11And you shall overlay it with pure gold; from inside and from outside you shall overlay it, and you shall make upon it a golden crown all around.

The Ark was gold on the inside and on the outside. The Gemara Yoma 72b states:

מִבַּיִת וּמִחוּץ תְּצַפֶּנּוּ אָמַר רָבָא כׇּל תַּלְמִיד חָכָם שֶׁאֵין תּוֹכוֹ כְּבָרוֹ אֵינוֹ תַּלְמִיד חָכָם

The verse states concerning the Ark: “From within and from without you shall cover it” (Exodus 25:11). Rava said: This alludes to the idea that any Torah scholar whose inside is not like his outside, i.e., whose outward expression of righteousness is insincere, is not to be considered a Torah scholar.   And, in fact, in Gemara Berachot 28a noted that Rabban Gamliel would not let anyone into his Beit Midrash who was not תּוֹכוֹ כְּבָרוֹ.

So, how do we help our children find their inner selves so that they can be proud to share it with others?  

1. First, as the adults in their lives, we need to see who they really are.  Ruth Charney, in her book Teaching Children to Care describes how important it is for children to be seen.  She begins by saying that it is obvious why younger children need to be seen- so that we can make sure they are safe and don’t wander off.  “But I have also found that...thirteen year olds need to be seen...They need encouragement and validation that comes from our best attention to their efforts. They need the safety that comes from the belief that their teachers see them, knows them. Mutual trust grows from this security. When all children feel seen, they are released to work...what a profound gift it is to be seen.”   When teens do not feel seen, when they feel invisible, they feel like they do not matter.  When they feel that we are noticing who they really are, they feel like they count, and  they are more prone to show all who they really are.  

2. The aron symbolized the importance of being תּוֹכוֹ כְּבָרוֹ- sincerely outside what you truly are inside.  Authentic. Interestingly enough, it does not say a person should be perfect inside and out, says Rabbi Shaul Rosenblatt in his article “The Power of Imperfection.” “It just says that they should be the same - no pretending, no covering up. If there are imperfections on the inside, a Jewish sage will not pretend to others that they are not there. He will accept them and strive to improve them.”  And, it is quite impactful when a role model, like a parent or a teacher, admits when he/she makes a mistake and models for a child how it is okay to be imperfect.  We need not wear a mask and pretend that we are perfect. That relieves so much pressure from our children- the pressure to cover up who they really are. 

3. Our children need self-esteem to reveal who they really are.  We know that the lower a person’s self-esteem the more susceptible he/she is to peer pressure and not being able to stand up for what he/she truly believes. When a person’s self-esteem is low the need for validation from others increases- especially validation from peers.  

Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, z”tl, great scholar and psychiatrist who passed away a few weeks ago was famous for his works on self-esteem.  In his book Ten Steps To Being Your Best  he speaks about raising children with self- esteem.  He tells a story which presents one tip  to raising a child with self-esteem:

Parents took their six-year-old son to a restaurant. After taking the parents' orders, the waitress turned to the child, "And what will you have?"

The child responded, "Two hot dogs with lots of mustard and a coke."

The mother smiled to the waitress and said, "You can bring him roast beef with mashed potatoes and vegetables."

The waitress returned with the parents' orders, and in front of the child she set two hot dogs and a coke. The mother was horrified, but the child grinned from ear to ear and said, "Look, Mommy! She thinks I'm real."

Parents must give their children an opportunity to feel that they are real, and that they are people, very much a part of the family, but distinct entities in their own right. Children should be permitted to make age-appropriate decisions. Their feelings should be respected...Respecting a child's feelings means realizing that a child has the right to have feelings. There are some feelings that we consider objectionable, and it is only if we recognize that the child has these feelings that we can help him cope with them and redirect them, wherever possible, to constructive channels.

One way Twerski suggests to raise children with self-esteem is raising them to make decisions. But, he adds...

Parenting for self-esteem is somewhat like walking a tightrope. There is not too much room for deviation in either direction. If children are not allowed to exercise their decision-making skills because the parents do everything for them, they may never develop self-confidence. If children receive no guidance and teaching, they may grow up without a sense of responsibility and dignity.

Queen Esther typified a woman who masked her true identity. She was unable to share who she truly was inside. She hid her assertiveness and strength until she had no choice. Rav Aharon Lichtenstein, ztl,  in his article “If you Remain Silent At This Time: Concern For The Jewish People” writes of two Esthers. Esther 1 was “powerless and completely lacking in independence of thought or action.”  She was like Mordechai’s daughter and did whatever he said. Esther 1 is hidden, “But what is her identity? What is her character? What philosophy drives her?” We know nothing.  

Esther 2, at the 2nd half of the megilla, on the other hand, is assertive, and takes on Achashveirosh and Haman. “Those latent character traits which until now have lain dormant burst to the surface. Deeply hidden resources that have been concealed in the recesses of the soul reveal themselves when the will prevails, and prove themselves capable of overturning worlds, annulling decrees and changing the fate of an entire nation.” Esther reveals who she truly is inside.  Esther connects with her self-esteem and is no longer passive.  

Rav Lichtenstein asserts, ‘“We are all, to some degree, Esther. Each of us, for whatever reason, has doubts as to his or her abilities. We, too, are hesitant: ‘What, I’m going to achieve all that? I’m going to save Am Yisrael? I’m going to put a stop to assimilation? I’m just a youngster; I can achieve only a little: a little bit in my neighborhood, a little bit in a youth group, a little bit in the family. But to start a revolution? To determine the future of a nation? To avert an evil decree? Little me?’” 

Only when Esther realized her true abilities, was she able to be תּוֹכה כְּבָרה- truly authentic and stand up for what she believed in despite what others around her thought. 

May we celebrate together without masks (literally and figuratively) as we raise our children to unmask and show their authentic selves. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students did a lesson on netiquette and discussed the social impact of group costumes.

Seventh Grade:  Students learned about mindful self-compassion and discussed the impact of group costumes.

Eighth Grade: Students continued a unit on cheating.

Happiness During Adar And All Year Long

         This past week I was again privileged to be invited to Rabbi Segal’s Mishna and Gemara classes as a “guest speaker.” This time, Rabbi Segal had been learning with his students the words of Gemara Taanit 29a  מִשֶּׁנִּכְנַס אֲדָר מַרְבִּין בְּשִׂמְחָה  “When the month of Adar begins, one increases rejoicing.”  He then invited me to share with them some practical strategies for increasing simcha, based on sources in Torah and psychology so that they could begin working on their simcha as Rosh Chodesh Adar approached..  (Please note that the strategies we discussed are bolded in red). 

We first began discussing that Simcha is a Jewish imperative all year long. 

 עִבְד֣וּ אֶת־ה' בְּשִׂמְחָ֑ה  Serve the Hashem with happiness, as it says in Tehillim 100:2. And, the mitzvah to be happy exists not only in Adar, but additionally during the Shalosh Regalim- Pesach, Shavuot and Sukkot. Why would Hashem command us to be happy at certain times if one should be happy every day?  The Sefer HaChinuch explains in mitzvah 488 that just like it is essential for a person to eat and sleep a person must be happy.  And, we talked about the research about how one’s physical health is actually dependent on one’s happiness.  As Lyubomirsky argues in her book, The How of Happiness, nearly every aspect of health seems to be affected by happiness (or lack thereof): physical and mental well-being, energy levels, immune function, relationships with others, and even our life-spans. Indeed, a growing body of evidence suggests that being happier can actually make you live longer: a study revealed that joyful nuns tend to live longer than their gloomy counterparts. Two-thirds of somber-minded sisters in the study died before their 85th birthday, while on average the happy ones lived 9 years longer.

And, therefore, Hashem commands us certain times of year to especially work on our happiness which hopefully will last throughout the year.  Happiness, as we explained, takes work. One doesn’t just win the lottery and become happy.  Doing something fun doesn’t make one happy.  Happiness is more than that and takes work, and the psychological research substantiates that truth. In the last few years, social scientists Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ed Diener, and Martin Seligman, among others, have explored ways to quantify happiness and chart its components. Based on his research, Seligman has even developed a “happiness formula”—Happiness = Set Point + Conditions in Life + Voluntary Action—which indicates that happiness is partly genetic, partly a result of circumstance, and partly an outcome of conscious decision-making. Indeed, by Seligman’s reckoning, the external conditions of one’s life, like having more money or a larger house, only account for 7–10 percent of actual happiness, while genetics (40 percent) and voluntary actions (50 percent) matter far more.  We discussed with the students how actually one’s actions and “work” on happiness actually determines how happy one is more than life’s circumstances. 

So,  what can we actively do to be happier? We began with selections from Dr. Tal Ben Shahar’s book, Happier.  Dr. Ben Shahar was a professor at Harvard famous for his course on on Happiness based on scientific research and practical strategies to achieve happiness.  Dr. Ben Shahar states, “Happy people live secure in the knowledge that the activities that bring them enjoyment in the present will also lead to a fulfilling future.” Happiness= Pleasure (Present Benefit) + Meaning (Future Benefit).  That is it not enough to have fun, but there also has to be meaning. 

This led us to the discussion of the research that indicated that studies indicate that religious people tend to be happier than non-religious people? Why? One aspect is the belief in G-d. That no matter what happens to them there is always hope. “Religion serves as a resource for coping with negative life experiences and existential fear, ”   states Dr. Clay Routledge.  And, there is a plethora of research indicating that those who believe in G-d may actually heal quicker when ill.  Religion also provides a sense of community and ability to connect with others, essential for happiness. Connecting with others and not self-isolating is one way to increase happiness. 

One way to achieve happiness is through sharing our worries with a friend- simply venting even if he/she cannot help.  The Chazon Ish in his letters writes of the wondrous ability that a person has to share his worries with Hashem,  כאשר הוא משיח לרעהו- like he converses with a friend.   This is either through structured tefillah or just sharing our worries with Hashem when you need a friend.  The Chazon Ish says this actually משמחת לב- gladdens the heart. 

Likewise, religion also provides that “meaning” noted by Dr. Ben Shahar- working towards a goal and purpose.  One way we achieve that meaning and happiness is through helping others.  As it states in The Week, “A Genetic guide to true happiness”  “Human beings appear to be genetically engineered to be happiest and healthiest when we spend a lot of time selflessly helping others—and unhealthy when we’re mostly devoted to self-gratification.” And, in fact, they found that in drawing blood from subjects who helped others versus buying themselves something they found that those whose lives had “lots of pleasure but little meaning, were priming cells to express high levels of inflammation, which is linked to cancer, diabetes etc.”  Helping others is another strategy to achieve happiness. We discussed how in some ways it is counterintuitive. One might think that when one helps another, it is the other who becomes happier. But, the giver does as well!

Giving to others actually activates the pleasure centers in the brain and even increases endorphins, feel- good chemicals.   (We then spoke about how exercise also increases those chemicals and is another good way to increase happiness).  It therefore makes sense that two mitzvot of Purim involve giving to others- Mishloach Manot and Matanot L’evyonim.  As the students pointed out Mishloach Manot is not about the receiving in return- it is about giving. 

Dr. Ben Shahar also speaks about an assignment he gave his graduate students- keeping a gratitude journal.  In research conducted by Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough writing down at least five things for which one is grateful each day will increase happiness levels. Gratitude is one key to happiness.  In Hebrew gratitude is הכרת הטוב which in essence means “recognizing the good.”  The first step to achieving happiness is recognizing the good that we have. We focus on the cup half full, which logically leads to unhappiness.  We often don’t even notice all the good in our lives.  

One reason we don’t notice the good we have is that we are so busy comparing ourselves to others.  Jealousy is often a reason we are unhappy.  And, we are always seeking more honor for ourselves.  We need to work more on being שמח בחלקו   - happy with our lot in life and combat that jealousy.  And, the research indicates that the happier we are for those around us when they are successful (i.e. not jealous) the happier we are.  In essence, one might note, as Rabbi Chaim Shmuelevitz in Sichot Mussar does, that Haman’s downfall was his need to constantly have more honor, that he couldn’t tolerate that one man wouldn’t bow to him, which eventually led to his death. 

Rabbi Segal had requested that I end this class of practical strategies to achieving happiness with a discussion of what students should do if they are having a hard time being happy- struggling with feelings of sadness and feeling down? And/or what should they do if they have a friend about whom they are worried that has seemed sad or unhappy for some time?  Most important, I stressed,  they need to find an adult they trust to consult with and find help.  It is not considered tattling when getting help for a friend.  We discussed how therapy can often assist them learn the strategies to working on that happiness when needed, and an adult can be the one to facilitate that intervention when needed. 

It was quite a privilege to be a guest presenter in Rabbi Segal’s class this past week. Most importantly, it inspired me to renew my own efforts in the pursuit of happiness. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade;  Students focused on the way we treat others online and discussed how respect for others is also an issue in group costumes for Purim.

Seventh Grade:  Students discussed psychological and spiritual strategies to managing disappointment in life. 

Eighth Grade:  Students began a unit on cheating.