Compassionate Curiosity

  As we all finished a day of parent- teacher conferences we hopefully had a few moments to get some nachat and brainstorm where areas of improvement were still needed. I hope you felt that your child’s teachers were rooting for him/her and that you were truly partners. 

Last Shabbat I had the privilege of hearing Rav Gav Friedman.  For those who have never heard him before, he is quite entertaining and you laugh with your full heart. He spoke about “Rachel Imeinu” moments.  He reminded us of the famous midrash that of all the patriarchs and matriarchs, G-d listened only to Rachel when the Jews were exiled,  and promised to return them in the merit of her giving over her signs to her sister Leah to marry Yaakov.  He described that when Rachel gave these signs to her sister, little did she know that she would change the history of the entire Jewish people and allow for the entire nation to return to the land of Israel.  This one moment in time changed the future of an entire nation. 

He continued to share how small choices we make every day can change the future of individuals and generations.  Rav Gav told a number of stories, but one story stood out to me as an educator. He told of a young boy in a Jewish sleepaway camp, we will call him Dovid,  who truly shined in his daily “shiur” classes.  Dovid was so out of the ordinary, that his learning Rebbe took some moments to write a letter to his parents, (in the days before e-mail).  The Rebbe wrote that he had rarely ever met someone like Dovid and continued to describe the love of Torah and the insights that he shared each day.  The Rebbe noted that he was sure that Dovid would one day become a great Torah scholar and leader.  Years later, after Dovid was already an adult and a true leader in the Jewish community, his father passed away. Rav Gav revealed that after he died, when his “Tachrichim” (burial clothes) were put on, his regular clothing was collected and in the pocket of his jacket was found that letter from the camp rebbe from over 25 years ago.  Dovid’s father carried that note in his pocket each day for 25 years, as it meant so much to him.  Little did that camp rebbe know what an impact that note would make on Dovid’s parents,  and how much it would mean to them.  What took him just moments to write, truly was life- changing. 

While Rav Gav continued to assert that little actions we all make can make a difference, my mind reverted back to the story of that note.  Each year at parent teacher conferences our teachers need to keep that story in mind. What we deem as a passing comment to a parent can make quite an impact- positively and negatively. 

The same goes for how we speak to our students. Students never forget the way a teacher speaks to them, even and especially if they are not doing well in school. That small comment, which to the teacher is just a moment in time, can be everlasting to a student. Before I speak to a student, I weigh every word.  

On this past Election Day faculty meeting I gave a workshop to middle school teachers on how to find the perfect balance between supporting and coddling students.  I discussed the importance of approaching each child with compassionate curiosity. As Amanda Morin wrote in her article, How to Show Empathy to Your Students With Compassionate Curiosity, compassionate curiosity is “a practice that asks teachers to act as non-judgmental investigators so they can better understand students. It’s an important first step in learning to respond to your students with empathy.” So, when a student doesn’t do her homework,  instead of asking “Why didn’t you do your homework?!?” You might ask, “What makes it hard to do your homework?  What can we do to make it easier for you? Tell me more about why you weren’t able to do it?” 

The first example of this compassionate curiosity was found in Hashem’s reaction to Adam and Chava’s sin.  After their sin in Bereishit 3:9 it says, 

טוַיִּקְרָ֛א ה אֱלֹקים אֶל־הָֽאָדָ֑ם וַיֹּ֥אמֶר ל֖וֹ אַיֶּֽכָּה:

And the Lord God called to man, and He said to him, "Where are you?"

Of course, Hashem knew exactly where Adam was and what he had done. But, there as the first teacher, G-d  modelled for us compassionate curiosity. Ask first to find out more before you judge. 

I then discussed an article with the teachers written by Sophie Riegel called Making Assumptions -You never know what is going on in someone else's mind. (I actually show our students a clip from Sophie Riegel as she spends time explaining what it is like to live with anxiety and OCD as she does). In this article, she educates teachers to never make assumptions. Just because a child is smiling does not mean she is happy, for example.  Or just because a child does not do her homework, does not mean she doesn’t care. 

“So how can we not assume? Well, the most important thing to do is to be curious. Ask questions. Ask “how are you feeling?” instead of assuming that someone is feeling a certain way. Ask “what can I do to be helpful?” instead of assuming that what you are doing is helpful. Try to keep in mind that you never know what is going on in someone else’s mind. And always remember Ellen DeGeneres’s famous words: “You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that’s how it’s spelled.” 

We have so much power as teachers to inspire a child or to demoralize them.  As parents, we have the same power. If we were to record our interactions with our children would we sound compassionately curious or judgemental and impatient?  Children are more likely to listen to what we are saying, even if we are correcting their behavior, in a firm, yet calm voice.  Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh found that children who experienced harsh verbal discipline were more likely to be depressed, have behavioral problems and exhibit antisocial behavior.  And, of course, the more respectful you speak to your child, the more respectful he will speak to you.  

We should never make assumptions… or better yet, maybe there is one assumption we are allowed to make about our children, (as teachers and parents).  That assumption is that they do really want to do the right thing. They do want to please.  Something is standing in their way and we need to help them find it.   

That’s what we at Yavneh Academy are here for.  We are here to partner with you to help every one of your children shine. We want them to graduate Yavneh glowing with the supportive and encouraging words they heard from our teachers.  And, if your children are struggling, we are here to put our heads together, with compassionate curiosity and without judgement,  to help them grow. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed how to decide what behavior is appropriate in the classroom setting. 

Seventh Grade: Students discussed “bullying” in sports. 

Eighth Grade: Students discussed what the JSAT will be like and how to make the most use of the school visit days.

"In Flow" And "All-in" At Frost Valley

      I just returned from Frost  Valley with our 7th graders.  We had a truly memorable time! Each year before they leave, we prep them with what clothing to take. We spend time hearing about their worries regarding rooming.  But, an aspect of the trip which has been new in the past few years is their reaction to being told they cannot use their phones on the trip. I can personally testify that there really isn’t reception ANYWHERE on campus, except for in one location.  But, they still want to have their phones to use in that building, to watch movies or listen to music they have downloaded, to use on the bus trips back and forth and of course, to take photos.  “What! We won’t be able to take photos of each other?!?!?!?!” I did remind them that Walgreens and  CVS sell disposable cameras :)!  But, they asked,  “Why”?

I explained to them that with phones constantly in their hands they cannot really enjoy the trip. If at every moment they are glued to their phones, they cannot appreciate the pure bonding time with friends.  (And, between us, the constant selfies often lead to hurt feelings when only certain people are in your selfie and others are never in that photo). Not all agreed.  

 I thought of  a piece I recently read in the book Unlocking Greatness  by Charlie Harary, from which I quoted earlier in the year.  Harary refers to the research of psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, a Hungarian Holocaust survivor, who said there are two types of experiences: ones that are autotelic and ones that are exotelic.  Auto means “Self”  and telic is “goal” or “purpose.”   An autotelic experience is when you engage in the activity for its “intrinsic purpose” - for the sake of the activity itself.  But, if you are engaging in an activity for an external reward, that is an exotelic experience.  Harary gives an example. If your children are playing ball in the backyard, they are playing because it is just fun. Not to be cool or not to get praised, or to get an athletic scholarship. The playing itself is the reward. And, when they are playing nothing distracts them, as they are totally engrossed. But, when doing their homework they are only doing it to do well in school, or get good grades.  They do it, but probably do not enjoy it.  They can be easily distracted.  That is exotelic.  

Csikszentmihalyi found that people involved in an autotelic activity “enter a state of mind where they are connected to the experience at a much deeper level...We are, as he says, in flow:  a state of concentration or complete absorption with the activity at hand.” Exotelic experiences feel meaningless as you do them just because you have to. 

But, the key to his research was that you can bring an autotelic mindset even to activities you don’t enjoy doing. It is a state of mind you can bring to everything you do. But, you must be fully engaged.  The more fully engaged you become in something you are doing, “the engagement itself will make that activity more enjoyable” and fulfilling.  You will get in the flow. 

We need to be fully present and that is the key to being happier during the tasks we do not enjoy. Being present is the key to making tasks autotelic and to success.  Doing something without being fully present lowers the enjoyment of the task.

Similar research on the topic of multitasking  (when they are not fully connected to each activity) showed that when people multitask their IQ scores go down.   MRIs of multi-taskers on multiple devices indicated that they had less brain density in the anterior cingulate cortex- the area of the brain responsible for  cognitive and emotional control.  Research on working moms find that they often have lower levels of happiness than nonparents as when they are with their children they are constantly multitasking and aren't present. They felt rushed and distracted- constantly. Research indicated that if they could be more present they would enjoy their children more.  

Practically speaking, we cannot just drop everything on our plate. But, Harary stresses that whatever we are doing we should be “all-in” even if it means for just 20 minute increments. If you are speaking to your child- you are all-in and nothing else is going on. If you are exercising- all-in. If you are doing work for your job- all-in.   

In Bereishit 18:2, Avraham gets a visit from the three angels.  Rashi points out, quoting Bereishit Rabba,  why there were three angels: 

והנה שלשה אנשים: אחד לבשר את שרה ואחד להפוך את סדום ואחד לרפאות את אברהם, שאין מלאך אחד עושה שתי שליחיות

and behold, three men: One to bring the news [of Isaac’s birth] to Sarah, and one to overturn Sodom, and one to heal Abraham, for one angel does not perform two errands (Gen. Rabbah 50:2).

I found an anonymous online commentary on the Chabad of Greenwich website which asks, why this is an important piece of information for the midrash to point out about the angels- that they can only each do one “shlichut” “errand”? Why would Rashi point out a handicap of the angels? 

Perhaps it's because it's not a handicap. Perhaps this is the secret to the angels' power. Perhaps Rashi tells us about the angels as a critique of the human condition. Perhaps he is telling us that although we will never be able to achieve the goal completely, we should lose the ability to multitask. 

The angel cannot do more than one thing at a time because the angel identifies with the task completely. The angel has no other dimension to his personality other than fulfilling God's mission; no personal name, no personal agenda, no personal ego, to get in the way. At this moment he is nothing but the task. As such he cannot perform two acts simultaneously, as it's impossible to be, fully, in two places at once.

(Don’t you wish you were an angel?)

And, that brings us to the phones.  It is impossible to be “all-in” when we are constantly distracted by our phones. The goal of Frost Valley is to be “all-in” to appreciate and grow from the activities and the bonding time.  We also wanted them to truly enjoy- which can only be achieved when they are “all-in.”  

This week in Advisory we will be debriefing the trip with the 7th graders and speaking about what they gained. As part of this debrief they fill out a survey in which one of the questions is “What did you think about the experience of having no phone? Was it difficult for you? What were some of the negatives of not having a phone? The positives? How did it impact on the program?”  A few years ago, the first year we did not allow phones,  I wrote about the incredible impact not having phones had on the students. That was the first year I asked that question in their survey.    (See that column here along with the incredible responses to the survey that year).  In that column I quoted Rabbi Larry Rothwachs and his experience when in Morasha they did not allow phones: ...they interacted with each other, “in ways that, not all that long ago, were considered normal human behaviors. They sat around, at times for long periods on end, and looked up and forward, rather than down and away… But, most importantly, they looked at each other.  Not a passing glance here and there; they really looked at each other. They spoke with one another and interacted with nature and with the world around them, without the constant distraction of chirps, buzzes, beeps and the powerful allure of those glaring screens that so often hijack our attention.” 

 I can personally testify, again, that it truly did make a difference.  After our debrief in Advisory this week,   I will let you know if the students agreed. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Students learned about basic manners and etiquette. 

Seventh Grade: Students discussed communication skills.

Eighth Grade:  Students considered all their qualities and talents that make them special- in addition to school, and filled out their “self-evaluation” forms with extra-curriculars in which they are involved.

All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Middle School

  As you all recall, last week I asserted how rewarding I find working with middle schoolers and adolescents can be.  I was thinking about why this was as I read about the death of Sarah in this week’s parasha. The first pasuk states that Sarah died and in Bereishit 23:1 says,

אוַיִּֽהְיוּ֙ חַיֵּ֣י שָׂרָ֔ה מֵאָ֥ה שָׁנָ֛ה וְעֶשְׂרִ֥ים שָׁנָ֖ה וְשֶׁ֣בַע שָׁנִ֑ים שְׁנֵ֖י חַיֵּ֥י שָׂרָֽה:

And the life of Sarah was one hundred years and twenty years and seven years; [these were] the years of the life of Sarah.

The famous Rashi on the pasuk asks why there is a need for those extra “years”? Why does the pasuk break up the years into 100 years, 20 years and 7 years and not just say 127 years?  He answers, 

בת מאה כבת עשרים לחטא, מה בת עשרים לא חטאה, שהרי אינה בת עונשין, אף בת מאה בלא חטא, ובת עשרים כבת שבע ליופי

 when she was one hundred years old, she was like a twenty-year-old regarding sin. Just as a twenty-year-old has not sinned, because she is not liable to punishment, so too when she was one hundred years old, she was without sin. And when she was twenty, she was like a seven-year-old as regards to beauty. 

When she was 100 she was as free from sin as she was when she was 20  and when she was 20 she was as beautiful as she was when she was 7, (as if she had not aged).  

Rav Soloveitchik in his book Abraham's Journey- Reflections On The Life Of The Founding Patriarch  explains the deeper meaning of this Rashi, as  Rabbi David Forhman points out. “Most people live each stage in life in succession, to live each stage for what it is, and then to leave it behind and experience the next one...The way Sarah did it, you don’t just passively travel through life’s stages, discarding the past for the more pressing priorities of the present.  No, you build as you go; you take each stage with you as you encounter the next one. ” 

A  7 year old is wide-eyed and innocent.  But, if you are like Sarah, when you become 20 (still adolescence) you do not leave that innocence and curiosity behind, but merge it somehow with your new 20 year old  mature and passionate self.  And, as you reach adulthood you don’t leave your teenage passion nor your 7 year old innocence behind.  You merge them with your adult self.  Even though you are an adult, “You are able to pause sometimes, as you eat lunch outdoors, to examine a ladybug perched on a blade of grass and be overcome with childlike wonder.  You put your kids to bed on time, yes. But occasionally, you get swept up in a wild pillow fight with your children, and to their delight (and yours), allow yourself to forget , if only for a moment, that it's way past bedtime...As you make your way to each stage of life you bring all your earlier selves with you as you confront the new challenges of your stage.” 

Sarah Imeinu was able to see and live all the stages of her life simultaneously, thereby bringing the important lessons from each stage into the next one. I strive to do the same, but it is not easy.  But, working with teenagers enables me to relive those teenage years through them and apply them to my daily life.  I learn much from my students.    

We are all familiar with the famous essay “All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten” by Robert Fulghum.  I would like to modify that a bit and say, “All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Middle School.” 

Look to see if anyone seems left out and invite him to sit with you at lunch.

When someone is speaking, don’t talk.

If your parents ask if you did your homework, tell the truth. 

Don’t leave things until the last minute. 

Don’t hog the ball.

Never call someone names- even if it is during a game on the ballfield. 

Pray for snow days!

If you are not sure what page we are up to during davening, look over your friend’s shoulder.

During an oneg sing loudly and put your arms around your neighbor’s shoulder.

Let others make copies of your notes.  

Make yourself a schedule every week. 

If you are upset, put down the phone. Don’t post something you might regret. 

Appreciate your parents and siblings. 

Say thank you to your teachers. 

Be an individual- don’t be afraid to wear something no one else will. 

Take things to heart. 

Ask questions.  (But raise your hand). 

Search the web to find answers, but be aware that not everything you read is true. 

Don’t rely on parent locker. Write down your homework. 

You still need your parents, but you can also be independent.

Remember you can accomplish anything! Nothing is impossible. 

Be curious, inquisitive, and dream big!  

These are all lessons I learn in middle school each day. As I enter my “middle age” I look at my middle school friends and they remind me to schedule my week, ask lots of questions, take care of my friends, enjoy life a bit more, and dream big as I still have much to accomplish.  I can take what I learn from their stage of life and carry it with me into my next stage. I think we can all learn many lessons from our teens that we can take with us until the age of 127.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students focused on behaviors that are considered “well-mannered”

Seventh Grade: Students focused on assertive communication.

Eighth Grade:  Students finished up their interview lessons and had a chance to discuss how they are managing school, open houses and interviews thus far. 

Middle School Parenting- Finding The Balance

 

Some years ago I came across a book of poetry written by Robert Ricken called The Middle School years- Love Me When I’m Most Unlovable.   I highly recommend the book even though I disagree with his title  After working in a high school for 10 years, I do find middle schoolers quite “lovable.”  It is quite rewarding to work with middle schoolers as they enter adolescence and as we watch them become “people” with beliefs, talents and hearts that still allow adults to enter.  As I often say at the fifth grade orientation, middle schoolers are “tweens”- not quite children anymore but not yet true adolescents.  

Ricken writes in the first poem, written in the voice of the middle schooler:

“I’m looking forward to middle school. I'm excited and a little nervous. Somehow all the kids seem to like it, but they love telling horror stories about what goes on there.. .My parents are the ones who are really nervous. If they ask me once more if I”m scared, I think they’ll convince me that I am!”   And, that is the truth!  We, as parents, are often as  or even more worried than they are! 

But, we do know that middle school is quite a transition.  In the most recent sessions of Advisory we focused on real- life challenges faced by middle school students acted out by our teachers. Issues like, getting to class on time, missing homework, the demands of notetaking, getting a poor grade, and friendship issues were all discussed.  Tonight, a survey went out to the sixth graders asking them for more questions they have about middle school and any worries they might have.  An upcoming Advisory session with 7th grade mentors will be built based on issues they want to target.  

As you know,  we also have begun our Organization Skills Training program in homeroom which will help them gain the key skills needed to succeed in middle school and stay relaxed! 

I also do want to reassure you that while many middle schoolers do find the transition difficult, not all do.. And, not all students entering adolescence find it stressful.  But, we believe in proactive training and support, and not waiting for that stress to happen. 

But, most importantly, as we stressed at the orientation evening- MIDDLE SCHOOLERS STILL NEED THEIR PARENTS!!  What can we do as parents to support them during this transition? They yearn for independence, but they still need some oversight. They want to be with their friends, but they still like hanging out with us. We need to balance letting go with holding some control. It is similar to teaching your child to swim. At first you hold on tightly (beginning of middle school).  Then, when you see they can float you let go a bit.  And, eventually, they can swim in the deep end. But, you would never just throw them into the deep end on the first day! 

So, we ask that sixth grade parents: 

1. Still manage homework time at the beginning of the year.  This involves checking  his planner, google classroom, parent locker and helping him set a schedule.  

2. Help her create an at-home homework space- quiet, free from distractions, organized etc. 

3. Talk to them about their schoolwork- what is the Social Studie project about? How do you plan to start? What do you need? 

4. As we begin the first tests- make sure she knows how to study. What do you need to do for the test? Is there a review sheet? Do you have a vocabulary list? And, if she is unsure, definitely reach out to the teacher.  If she is comfortable doing that herself- great. She might need your help drafting an e-mail. But, it is not unusual for a middle schooler to be hesitant to reach out to a teacher. There is no shame in your stepping in.  Or if you do want your child to self- advocate in person, you can casually follow up with an e-mail to ensure she did speak to the teacher :)! 

5. Acknowledge how much effort he is putting in. Recognize how hard he is working!! A piece of that is keeping updated on his grades.  

6. Focus on growth and not only grades! Tell her how proud you are of how at the beginning of the year she needed you to test her on vocabulary. Now she tests herself. Or, focus on what she is learning and how much she knows instead of the scores she has earned. 

7. Don’t let your bedtime routines disappear. Those moments in their room are perfect times to discuss how their day was, and non-academic issues they are facing. (A few years ago I wrote a column about reading aloud to our children- even through middle school years!  Sounds funny but so powerful) 

8. Spend time together. The middle school years are full of bar/bat mitzvahs, studying, extracurriculars...Make time to just be together. 

9. Monitor and limit technology use. No need to go into more details, but by enlarge, my experience has been that most middle schoolers who are doing very poorly in school are distracted by their technology during homework time! 

10. Help your child get enough sleep. Refer back to the  item above this one. Technology limits!!

11. Don’t hesitate to reach out to teachers.  I know going from two teachers to 9 can be quite overwhelming for parents. But, the relationship with teachers even in middle school is so helpful.  Parents and teachers are a team. 

Adam was the first “child” in the world and his Father was Hashem. Hashem was the first parent and a model for us. On one hand, Hashem gave him rules :

בראשית ב׳:ט״ו-י״ז

(טו) וַיִּקַּ֛ח ה אֱלֹקים אֶת־הָֽאָדָ֑ם וַיַּנִּחֵ֣הוּ בְגַן־עֵ֔דֶן לְעָבְדָ֖הּ וּלְשָׁמְרָֽהּ׃ (טז) וַיְצַו֙ ה אֱלֹקים עַל־הָֽאָדָ֖ם לֵאמֹ֑ר מִכֹּ֥ל עֵֽץ־הַגָּ֖ן אָכֹ֥ל תֹּאכֵֽל׃ (יז) וּמֵעֵ֗ץ הַדַּ֙עַת֙ ט֣וֹב וָרָ֔ע לֹ֥א תֹאכַ֖ל מִמֶּ֑נּוּ כִּ֗י בְּי֛וֹם אֲכָלְךָ֥ מִמֶּ֖נּוּ מ֥וֹת תָּמֽוּת׃

15) The LORD God took the man and placed him in the garden of Eden, to till it and tend it. (16) And the LORD God commanded the man, saying, “Of every tree of the garden you are free to eat; (17) but as for the tree of knowledge of good and bad, you must not eat of it; for as soon as you eat of it, you shall die.”

Hashem gave Adam work and structure-לְעָבְדָ֖הּ וּלְשָׁמְרָֽהּ  just as we do with our middle schoolers.  Then Hashem gave him rules and laws, as any good parent would do- homework time, technology limits, having them study with us...

But, on the other hand, as noted in Bereishit 2:24, Hashem created the world so that:

 עַל־כֵּן֙ יַֽעֲזׇב־אִ֔ישׁ אֶת־אָבִ֖יו וְאֶת־אִמּ֑וֹ וְדָבַ֣ק בְּאִשְׁתּ֔וֹ וְהָי֖וּ לְבָשָׂ֥ר אֶחָֽד׃

 Hence a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, so that they become one flesh.

The purpose of the structure set up by Hashem is that one day man will leave his mother and father and be independent.   That is the primary goal for all the structure and oversight we put into effect in middle school- so that one day they can be independent and implement all those skills even when they leave us and we are not with them. 

For those of you who are first time middle school parents, those of us who have done this before can reassure you that you will be absolutely proud of the independent 8th graders your children will become. But, don’t worry... they will always need you! 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students finished up brainstorming practical solutions for everyday middle school challenges. 

Seventh Grade: Students focused on Active Listening. 

Eighth Graders;  Students learning the important life skill of interviewing. 

Empathy and Rachel Imeinu

  Today is Rachel Imeinu’s yahrzeit. I grew up feeling a close connection to Rachel.  My father, a”h, would run to Kever Rachel each and every time he went to Israel as he felt it was a place where Rachel truly listened and advocated on our behalf.  Ever since then, I also feel that special closeness.   

What was so special about Rachel that she is the mother to whom we turn?   She is the one who is buried “on the way” while the Jews pass her by as they leave to exile. She is the one to whom G-d listens and promises that the Jews will return to their land because of her.  As the famous pesukim from Yirmiyahu 31:14 depict:

ידכֹּ֣ה | אָמַ֣ר ה' ק֣וֹל בְּרָמָ֚ה נִשְׁמָע֙ נְהִי֙ בְּכִ֣י תַמְרוּרִ֔ים רָחֵ֖ל מְבַכָּ֣ה עַל־בָּנֶי֑הָ מֵֽאֲנָ֛ה לְהִנָּחֵ֥ם עַל־בָּנֶ֖יהָ כִּ֥י אֵינֶֽנּוּ

So says the Lord: A voice is heard on high, lamentation, bitter weeping, Rachel weeping for her children, she refuses to be comforted for her children for they are not.

טוכֹּ֣ה | אָמַ֣ר ה' מִנְעִ֚י קוֹלֵךְ֙ מִבֶּ֔כִי וְעֵינַ֖יִךְ מִדִּמְעָ֑ה כִּי֩ יֵ֨שׁ שָׂכָ֚ר לִפְעֻלָּתֵךְ֙ נְאֻם־ה' וְשָׁ֖בוּ מֵאֶ֥רֶץ אוֹיֵֽב:

So says the Lord: Refrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for there is reward for your actions, says the Lord, and they shall come back from the land of the enemy.

   "כִּי֩ יֵ֨שׁ שָׂכָ֚ר לִפְעֻלָּתֵךְ֙ for there is reward for your actions"

To what actions is Yirmiyahu referring? 

Well- known explanation

The more well-known explanation of the actions that in their merit earned Rachel the ability to bring the Jewish people out of exile is found in a Midrash in Eicha Rabba. One of my favorite dramatic readings to do with my students, when it fits in, is that midrash that describes how all the avot and Moshe Rabbeinu all come before Hashem begging Him to return the Jews from exile.  They each come forward with reasons why they are worthy for Hashem to listen to them and yet they are all turned away.  Rachel, then steps up and states, 

“‘Master of the world it is revealed before you that Jacob your servant loved me the most. He worked for my father for me for seven years, and when those seven years were completed and the time of my marriage to my husband arrived, my father thought to switch me with my sister. It was very hard for me because I had a solution. I informed my husband and I gave him a signal so that he could recognize me over my sister so that my father could not switch me. After that I regretted it, so I controlled my desire and I had mercy on my sister that she should not be embarrassed. That evening they switched me for my sister, and I gave my sister all the signals that I gave my husband, so that he would think that she was Rachel. Not only that, I went underneath the bed that he was sleeping on with my sister, and when he would speak to her, she remained quiet, I answered him for everything so that he would not recognize the voice of my sister. I performed a kindness for her, and I was not jealous and I did not embarrass her. What am I, flesh, blood, dirt, and ashes, [but] I was not jealous of my sister-wife nor did I embarrass or shame her. And you living existing King, merciful one, why were you jealous of idol worship that contains nothing real? And yet you exiled my children and they were killed at the sword and the enemies did with them as they pleased. Immediately the mercy of The Holy One blessed is He rolled forth and he said, ‘Because of you Rachel, I am returning Israel to their place.’ “

It was because of her willingness to give up her marriage to Yaakov and protect her sister from being embarrassed, Rachel was listened to by Hashem. 

A Different Explanation: 

Rabbi David Forhman, in his Aleph Beta audio shiurim, notes another usually unnoticed act that Rachel did in Bereishit 30:14-17.  Reuven brings flowers called dudaim to his mother Leah.   Rachel asks Leah if she can have some.  Leah replies, "Is it a small matter that you have taken my husband, that [you wish] also to take my son's dudaim?"  Rachel in response says that Leah can have a turn with Yaakov that night, even though it was her turn, and Leah conceived יששכר that night.  Rabbi Fohrman humorously notes:

Now if you were Rachel and you heard that at this moment from your sister, how would you react? I mean, I don't know about you, but if I were Rachel, you just want to scratch your sister's eyes out. I'm the one who took YOUR husband? Are you for real? Weren't you the one who took MY husband? I was the one who was supposed to marry him for seven years, and then you stepped in and because you got it all backwards in your mind you can't share these dandelions? Who needs you?

Rabbi Fohrman connects the name יששכר to the words in the pasuk in Yirmiyahu explaining why Hashem listens to Rachel, -כִּי֩ יֵ֨שׁ שָׂכָ֚ר לִפְעֻלָּתֵךְ֙ נְאֻם־ה' וְשָׁ֖בוּ מֵאֶ֥רֶץ אוֹיֵֽב notice the name יששכר in the pasuk.  It was in the merit of Rachel giving Leah the chance to be with Yaakov that night that Hashem listens to her to bring the Jews back to Israel in the future, says Rabbi Fohrman.  He explains that when Leah said “...you have taken my husband” Rachel finally understood what Leah was feeling. 

Rachel, her greatness is that at that moment she hears that and allows herself to understand. Allows herself to understand a whole different way of seeing this .. But now, she says, there IS another way of seeing it, there's my sister's way of seeing it, and if my way is valid, then so is hers. All this time that I have seen it as so unfair that I haven't had these children, you've seen it as so unfair that you haven't had the loving companionship of your husband, and you think I've taken that from you... Lachen yishkav imach halailah - so let him be with you tonight, let me give you a gift of companionship with him, that which you crave.

 Leah was forced by her father Lavan to be Yaakov’s wife in place of Rachel,  and after their marriage, Yaakov married Rachel and always loved Rachel more.   It was as if Rachel took Leah’s husband.   Until that moment when Leah said what she did, Rachel always saw herself as the victim- as the one who was pushed out of marrying Yaakov.  Now, she finally felt empathy- how painful all must be for Leah. 

The lesson of Rachel is to “reach out empathetically to your sister and brother with whom you may be in conflict.” 

What would it even mean to be heroes? We all get into conflict with others, it's part of life. We even get into conflict with people that we should be getting along with: Family members, co-workers, neighbors. Being a hero doesn't mean never getting into a fight; it means having the strength to get out of one once you're in it. And the key to that is to do what Rachel did.

At your greatest moment of pain, can you step back and ask yourself, What does this situation look like from my opponent's point of view? Do I really have the only perspective here? What does it look like from his point of view? Her point of view? That kind of curiosity is heroism. It's the way out of vicious conflict. 

Rachel’s story is the lesson of empathy and how empathy leads to solving conflict. When one thinks about it, in essence the midrash in Eicha Rabba also depicts Rachel’s empathy, as she imagined how mortified her sister would be if she did not have the signs, so she gave them to her. 

 Our 7th graders are presently in a unit on Teamwork, Communication and Compromise. As they prepare for the team building activities in Frost Valley, we take this as an opportunity to teach them the skills of how to effectively communicate and resolve differences of opinion. One skill upon which we focus is empathy.  

One skill that leads to empathy is active listening. Our students will the steps of Active Listening:

1. Look at the other person.

2. Focus all your attention towards what the person is saying.  

3. Indicate you are listening  by saying things like “uh huh,” “really?” or “yes” in the right places.

4.  Don't interrupt, correct mistakes, give advice or tell your own story.

5.  Give the person time to speak. When there's silence for a moment, don't immediately fill the space.

6.  Repeat/ restate what you have heard ex. “So, your problem is that I never clean my room?”

7.  Validate what they said- letting them know you get what they are saying. ex. “That must have been really awful.”

Students will also learn the steps to Compromise:

1. Each person agrees to work things out. If they are too angry  to work out the problem, they should try again later.

2. Each person gives his/her version of the problem (Using “I statements”!!)

3. Each person listens to each other (Using active listening! - no interrupting, summarizing the other person's view etc.)

4. Brainstorm to develop solutions. Any idea that is offered should be discussed or even written down. Don't eliminate any idea at this stage- just jot them down.

5. Choose the best win-win solution- where both parties gain and lose something of equal value.

6. Decide  how to put the solution into action.

7. Thank (and/or forgive) each other for working it out.

These skills lead beautifully into our next unit Operation Respect- where we start off with actively teaching the steps to empathy: 

1. Identify the situation that the other person is going through.

2. Identify what he or she is feeling.

3. Pretend you are that person. Now, think: Why is he or she feeling that way?  What thoughts are going through his/her head?

4. For that moment, feel with  the other person. Feel the emotions he/she is feeling.  

Each student is asked to trace his/her own shoes with a pen onto paper.  Each person should then write his/her name on the paper with the traced shoes.   They are then to turn to their neighbors and switch papers with them.  Then each person is to step into the tracings of their neighbor’s shoes. We then turn to the group and say,  “You are now standing in your friend’s shoes. Has anybody heard of an expression that talks about putting yourself in another’s shoes? What does it mean?”  One cannot understand another until you are in his shoes. That is what empathy is- the ability to metaphorically stand in the shoes of another. 

As parents, empathic (or empathetic- both acceptable)  parenting is key to relaying these skills of empathy to our children.  Before we respond to our children we should label their emotion, “You seem angry that…”  And, “It really is annoying when that happens...I know I often feel that way…”  As a parent, I accept and validate their feelings no matter if they are positive or negative, and I thereby prove to them that I am trying to stand in their shoes and truly understand them.  This empathy helps us be more attuned to our children and their emotions. Research has shown that empathic parenting with adolescents leads to their having better emotion regulation and for the parents greater self-esteem and purpose in life. (Interesting to note, more empathic parents tend to have higher inflammation levels physiologically which seem to be due to stress. So while we are empathizing with our children, we also need to make sure we practice self-compassion and relax ourselves!). 

And, we know that as parents, even when our children are away we will always care about them, and pray for them with empathy.  Just like our matriarch Rachel Imeinu empathically prays for us in exile. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students had the opportunity to discuss how their adjustment to middle school was going through debriefing scenarios acted out by our teachers of “real-life” issues faced by our middle schoolers. 

Seventh Grade:Students began their Teamwork and Communication skills unit and focused on the importance of communicating effectively and using “I messages.” (Our girls did not have Advisory this week).

Eighth Grade;  Students began a unit on how to choose a high school.