Friendship Circle and Being a True Friend

Friendship Circle not only teaches our children how to be sensitive to the needs of the developmentally disabled, but it also teaches them how to be good friends to their typically developing peers. As you know, as we watched our children interact in the Friendship Circle winter camp, we saw incredible caring, patience and maturity in our children. After the experience, we will then talk to them about how this week impacted on their lives.

We share with them a song by Peter Yarrow , of Peter, Paul and Mary fame, called, “Don't laugh at me.” It comes along with a video which features special needs children. You can find this video at http://www.dontlaugh.org/videos/videohb.mov. This song is part of the curriculum he created for his organization called “Operation Respect” which travels all across the world teaching children how to treat each other with respect. Its mission is so that no child ever feels teased or picked on. He has brought this program even to Israel and has done his song in Hebrew and Arabic. A few years ago, someone from his organization came to our school to meet with our students. Since then, we have been utilizing pieces of his program in our anti-bullying curriculum. Some of the lyrics we focus upon in his song are:

I’m a little boy with glasses
The one they call a geek
A little girl who never smiles
’cause I have braces on my teeth
And I know how it feels to cry myself to sleep

I’m that kid on every playground
Who’s always chosen last
A a kid who's made mistakes
Tryin’ to overcome my past
You don’t have to be my friend
But is it too much to ask

Don’t laugh at me
Don’t call me names
Don’t get your pleasure from my pain
In God’s eyes we’re all the same
Someday we’ll all have perfect wings
Don’t laugh at me

The song continues “ I’m fat, I’m thin, I’m short, I’m tall, I’m deaf, I’m blind, hey, aren’t we all?” The message to our students is obvious. We are all different, but equally precious. We have no right to decide that we are better than anyone else. We then launch into a discussion of that sometimes it’s easy for us to not pick on someone with an obvious disability, - no one would tease a child with a developmental disability- that’s cruel! But, it is hard to remember that when it comes to others, like the kid with glasses, or the child who’s picked last etc.

In fact, I witness this issue more poignantly with our students who are in the mainstream school system, yet might have more subtle disabilities. A recent study in July 2011 found that 1 in 3 children in mainstream classrooms have some special needs- ranging from asthma and ADHD to emotional and behavioral disorders. These students reported higher levels of bullying and were less likely to feel safe in school. Research indicates that children with more “minor” special needs (not minor at all to them!) have lower social standing among students in the classroom and are frequently the targets of bullying. The research has pinpointed some specific reasons why these children may suffer bullying. Children who have difficulty reading social cues and have difficulties with social interaction can be targets. Often, these children have lower frustration tolerances and may have “melt-downs” in class causing them to stand out. They may get “stuck” in conversation making it hard for them to converse. Some children have motor difficulties which make participation in sports challenging. These are the children that are always picked last. And, we know how particularly difficult it is for a boy who is not good at sports to fit in.

Our job as parents and educators is to sensitize our children to the disabilities their peers might have. Instead of getting annoyed with the child in class who has a hard time staying in his/her seat, we need to encourage them to feel compassion and to demonstrate understanding. It is okay to have a conversation explaining another child's difficulty and demanding they show the caring the child deserves. “ Sammy may interrupt you all the time, but it's not because he is rude. He sometimes has a hard time figuring out when it is his turn to speak. What can we do to help him?” And, of course, we teach our children that as with any type of bullying we cannot be perpetrators or bystanders. We need to stop it at all costs.

“Tebow- How Faith Leads to Victory” was the title of an article in the magazine The Week, ( despite their most recent loss). Even before I read the content, the title brought Chanukah to mind. Chanukah is the story of the “rabim b'yad m'atim,”- many fell in the hands of the few. The powerful Greeks fell in the hands of the weak Jews. And, yet, the Maccabees had faith that they could win, and so they did. Despite all rational explanation, the Jews were victorious. The miracle of the oil was one of faith in success as well, as failure was the only rational reality. As I discussed in my Parasha and Parenting shiur, the Greek culture prided itself in its rationalism. If it was not logical it could not be true. The miracle of Chanukah proved that theory wrong. Tim Tebow, a “mediocre quarterback” plays for the Broncos that had a 1-4 record before he became their quarterback. “What has happened since defies all rational explanation.” Many maintain that it is his prayers on the sidelines that lead to victory.

As I began thinking about this connection, I noticed another article comparing Chanukah to Tebow. But, the author Rabbi Eisen asserts, “If Tim Tebow is claiming, when he gets down on bended knee and points toward heaven, that G-d cares about Broncos victories on the football field, his theology frankly strikes me as absurd. I hope and believe that G-d has better things to worry about than football...”

The Week, quoting author Frank Bruni says that it is not his prayer that causes G-d to save the game. Rather, “In dire situations that would discourage most other players, Tebow has a quiet, unshakable confidence that everything will work out for the best. His teammates are inspired by this, and more often than not, it does work out. Optimism matters- a lot. That's a lesson all of us can learn from Tim Tebow's weekly miracles.”

Optimism and hope clearly have a positive impact on outcomes. We are all familiar with the research on the impact of prayer on illness- as the patient has more hope. Chanukah is the holiday of optimism. The Gemara in Shabbat 21b states that there is a difference in opinion between Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai in the way we light the menorah. Today we follow Beit Hillel- we add one more candle each night. We look at the cup half full-as we add more, rather than half empty- taking away.

Another indication of the optimism of Chanukah can be found in two quotes of Rabbi Tanchum in that same Gemara Shabbat 22b. Rabbi Tanchum states that when Yosef was thrown into the pit, (in a parasha that “coincidentally” falls around Chanukah), a duplication of language in the pasuk implies that while the pit had no water, it was full of snakes and scorpions. The story suddenly becomes even worse. This statement of Rabbi Tanchum appears in the middle of a discussion about how high the Chanukah candles should be! Why? Mainly because they are both statements attributed to him. Perhaps we can make another connection between his seemingly unconnected statements. Rabbi Tanchum is perhaps saying that just with Chanukah, what appears to be hopeless in Yosef's life, ends up being for the best. One must keep this optimism in mind.

We know the importance of optimism for happiness. Studies show that teens who are more pessimistic are more prone to engage in risky behavior. What can we do as parents to ensure this optimism of Chanukah, (and dare I say, Tim Tebow)?

The good news is, children are not born pessimistic. Pessimistic attitudes are learned. So, as parents we can help them become more optimistic. We focus on the positive possibilities. In daily discussions with our children, we need to point out good news and positive events that happen. Review all the good things that happened in your child's day with him/her each night. We need to confront their pessimistic thinking, by pointing it out to them and forcing him/her to come up with an optimistic statement instead. We need to reward them for optimism by acknowledging positive attitudes. And, of course, we need to model optimism as much as we can.  A conversation about why they think Tim Tebow is succeeding despite all odds is a good way to begin.  Or, maybe bringing the lessons of Chanukah closer to their own personal lives is an even better way.

The Favorite Child?

“And Israel loved Joseph above his other sons... and made for him a coat of many colors. And his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, and they came to hate him and could not speak together peacefully.' " (Genesis 37:3-4) The Gemara in Masechet Shabbat 10b highlights, “One should never favor one child over his other children, for it was the mere two shekels worth of silk, which Jacob gave to Joseph over and above that which he gave to his other children, that caused the brothers to be envious of him, leading eventually to our forefathers' descent into Egypt." This section of Parashat Vayeshev is full of obvious parenting lessons. One would imagine that a lesson that is more than obvious to us would have been so to Yaakov as well. The parshanim on these pesukim spend some time stressing that this was all part of G-d's plan, and not the mere family dynamics gone wrong.
This story of favoritism that we read each year came to mind as I read an article in the October 3, 2011 issue of Time Magazine called “Playing Favorites” by Jeffrey Kluger. He asserts that parents do indeed have a favorite child. Kluger quotes a University of California at Davis study where 384 sibling pairs and parents were questioned and videotaped over three years. 65% of mothers and 70% of fathers admitted that they have a favorite child.
Some reasons Kluger attributes to this favoritism are that all animals and humans are genetically programmed to favor the child who is most prone to be successful and pass on their genes to the next generation. He adds that the oldest child is often the favored as parents spend so much more effort on the first child, as he is the only one in existence.
Some other common reasons stem from a child's temperament. Some children by nature are easier and some more difficult. One child's temperament may be more similar to the parent's which adds to favoritism. They are a good fit. A particular child may fulfill a parents expectations more than the other. And, of course, there are children who need more attention due to, for example, disabilities or illness, and therefore appear to be the favorites to the other siblings.
How does this “favoritism” affect the children? The other children may suffer from low self-esteem. (Although Steve Jobs claimed that the fact that he was the least favorite child in his family led him to have more drive and ambition to succeed). It clearly can also cause conflict between the siblings. And, the favored children may feel that they must always be “perfect” and meet their parents' expectations, feeling constant stress. They also may have a sense of entitlement as they enter the real world, and are unable to deal with disappointments in life.
Kluger's article also sparked controversy, as many asserted that not all have a favorite child. It is not favoritism that we are seeing. Children are all good and not so good in different arenas. Depending on the situation one might be your favorite partner to go see a baseball game. Another child might be your favorite with whom to go shopping. As Bonnie Rochman responded to Kluger's article, “They're all good and bad at different things, just as we all are. I see different parts of myself in each of them... but I can't choose a favorite overall.”
Whether you agree or disagree with Mr. Kluger, what can we do to make sure that our children don't feel as if we prefer one of them over another?
1. Remember that we are often unaware of what our behaviors convey to our children. We need to stop and think about the messages we are communicating to our children by the way we are treating them.

2. If someone else points out those “favoring behaviors” instead of denying, we should examine our actions.

3. If your child accuses you of favoritism, instead of simply denying it, respond with, “I would love to spend time with you (for example) too”. Make time to give each child one on one time.

4. Love each child uniquely. Let your child know that you notice his/her unique characteristics and connect with him/her over their special qualities.

The SAT Scandal and Self-Esteem

 

For those of us who have ever worked with high school juniors, the meaning of the SAT exam cannot be understated. With college looming ahead, the SATs become the focus of their year. When the SAT cheating scandal in Long Island was revealed it hit home. The more obvious realization is that it is a prime “teachable moment” to speak with our children about cheating. More importantly, it is a time to stress that we don't do whatever it takes to get good grades. Being a good person is more valuable than getting good grades. We will love them no matter what they get on their SATs. As we do in Advisory, we speak with them about the impact their cheating has on others and on the moral fabric of their classroom/society.
But, there is a less obvious discussion we can have as well. When reading about the scandal, I came across a blog from a Rabbi Jeremy Kalmanofsky (whom I do not know), who humorously stated, “It is time to do what Jews do in such scandals: examine the last names.” It is so true! We read the names, hoping that none sound Jewish. We dread the Chillul Hashem (desecration of G-d's name) it will create. As the days progressed, we realized that many of the perpetrators were Jewish, and three were students/graduates of a modern Orthodox high school. Clearly, we are not immune. The Chillul Hashem is palpable.
The message of Chillul Hashem and Kiddush Hashem carry numerous lessons for our teens. They are used to hearing our “schmooze” before a trip, “Remember, we are representing our school and our community...” To them, that is all that Kiddush Hashem means.
The concept of Chillul/Kiddush Hashem can relay an essential mental health message as well. The way we behave makes a difference and it has consequences. Every action we do affects our reputation and how we are viewed by others. As Rabbi Mark Dratch wrote in his article, “The Shame of it All,” “And it matters not only to the people around us and not only to our own reputations, but it matters to God and His reputation as well. Our duty as Jews, as a 'kingdom of priests and a holy nation,' is to bring the world closer to a recognition and appreciation of God. We are God's representatives to the world, and all that we do impacts upon how others view Him.”

As the Gemara in Yoma 86a highlights, “But if someone studies Scripture and Mishnah, attends on the disciples of the wise, but is dishonest in business, and discourteous in his relations with people, what do people say about him? ‘Woe unto him who studied the Torah, woe unto his father who taught him Torah; woe unto his teacher who taught him Torah!’ This man studied the Torah: Look, how corrupt are his deeds, how ugly his ways; of him Scripture says: In that men said of them,: These are the people of the Lord, and are gone forth out of His land”

What responsibility! What an honor! What greater statement of self-esteem is there as we want to raise teens who feel that they matter in this world? We do not deliver this message to our children in shame, or as a mussar schmooze, but rather with pride.

Interestingly, the concept of Chillul Hashem is worsened when it is committed by an adam chashuv- an important, well- respected person. Rabbi Dratch continues to highlight that,.

^{“While the sources seem to restrict the imposition of higher ethical standards to an adam hashuv, one can easily argue that, in our day, each observant Jew is considered an adam hashuv, to one degree or another, vis-à-vis the non-observant community, and that all Jews have such a status vis-à-vis the non-Jewish world.”}

The Gemara list numerous examples of Chillul Hashem. Rabbi Dratch stresses that Chillul Hashem is at times subjective, as it depends on how the population of that time period, or the culture around you view the act. “Conduct that may appear to the actor to be appropriate, may in fact be a hillul Hashem if it is so deemed by the larger population. Rambam writes that a person should refrain from those activities which are unseemly in the eyes of others, even if in his own eyes they are not unseemly.”

^{Chillul Hashem reflects that when we behave, we cannot just consider how it makes us feel. It is not all about me. It is about how our behaviors affect others. I even need to be concerned that my behavior not hurt the sensibilities of others, albeit unintentionally. Much of misbehavior can be prevented if we can learn to stop and think about the consequences before we act. That is another important message of Chillul Hashem.}

^{At the Shabbat table this Shabbat, as we discuss the scandal and the values about cheating we want to relay, let us also remind our children of the messages of Chillul Hashem as they relate to valuable role they play.}

"For You Were Strangers In The Land of Egypt" - We Were Homeless Too!

Peter Larson, a teenager from Minnesota, sleeps outside in a cardboard box from Nov. 12^th to Dec. 31^st each year. He has been doing this “sleep-out” since he was six years old, raising $400,000 for the homeless, in temperatures as low as minus 20. This news article struck me as I read it this week, as we just came off of our visit to the Homeless Shelter with the 7^th grade. When we speak with the students in Advisory about their obligation to “change the world” or “tikkun olam,” Peter Larson's story speaks volumes. Even “kids” can make a difference. (A great teachable moment and discussion!)

Although it has become traditional to recognize the plight of the homeless around Thanksgiving and the “holiday season,” my goal in incorporating this visit into our Advisory curriculum is not to join this tradition. Rather, the goal of this most recent unit was to develop and strengthen their skill of empathy. Empathy is essential for all relationships. The ability to understand others and predict their behaviors are predicated on empathy.

“You know there's a lot of talk in this country about the federal deficit. But I think we should talk more about our empathy deficit- to see the world through the eyes of those who are different from us,” President Obama highlighted. Whether or not you agree with his politics, his observation that E.D.D. - empathy deficit disorder – is rampant has been demonstrated in the research.

Why are teens today any different? One idea, according to Dr. Gary Small, since teens are texting as their primary method of communication, their brains have been rewired and are less able to recognize and share feelings. Research has shown that today's teens and college students are more narcissistic and less empathetic.

Typically, people are more willing to experience empathy for those similar to themselves. One impediment to empathy is the inability of people to admit that another person is like himself. Dr. Stephen Snyder notes the difference between the chimpanzees and bonobos. Chimpanzees seem to be low on the empathy scale as they deem any outsider as “them” and kill them. Bonobos' “circle of empathy” includes all of their kind. There is no “us” and “them.”

Our goal in Advisory is therefore to help our students generalize their empathy skills to those who are like them and even to those not like them. And, so in our unit we do not only train them to empathize with their peers, who are like them, but also to empathize with the homeless strangers- who have lives they could never imagine. We lead them to the moment where they can say upon their return from the shelter, “They are regular people like us.” or “People make mistakes. I see them differently now.” They are now ready to empathize.

In the Torah, Moshe Rabbeinu states 36 times, “...you know the feelings of a stranger, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt.” But, we have never been strangers! No Jew beyond the yotzei Mitzrayim can feel what it meant to be a slave and a stranger in Egypt. Moshe demanded a two-stepped empathy. First, imagine what it was like to be a slave in Egypt and then imagine what this stranger is going through.

In Florida, a Compassion Camp provides a 24 hour immersion experience where teens live a day in the life of a homeless person. They eat their food, have to wear their clothes and are sent into the streets to beg. When students are asked about the impact such a program has on them, the response has been, “'I definitely think it has an impact,' said 15 year old Rachel McCombs, 'especially on how nice I am.'”

Our Empathy Unit- Project Respect, led us straight to a Quality Circle in Advisory. A Quality Circle is a monthly opportunity to discuss how we treat each other in school. Is there an atmosphere of respect? Is there bullying going on? Are we as bystanders doing something to make things better? Are we “being nice”- as Rachel McCombs stated above? The Quality Circle this month clearly was impacted by our visit to the shelter. The students indicated that they will think twice and empathize before they make judgments about others. They got the message.

(See attached to my e-mail the links to two videos we showed this week in Quality Circle which connected the two units).

Parenting Pointers- Teen Arrested For Not Cleaning His Room!!!

“Teen Arrested for Not Cleaning His Room,” the headlines read in Stamford, Connecticut. As parents, there are probably times when we wish we could call in the reinforcements to help us get our teens to clean their rooms! The articles continues to describe how the teen then refused to allow the police to enter his bedroom stating that it was an invasion of his privacy. How many times have we begged our children to clean their rooms and heard, “Well, it's my room and it doesn't affect you in any way!” And, if we try to clean their rooms for them, (which we probably should not do), they claim it is their private, inner sanctum which we are invading.

Whether it's a disagreement about how many clothes are lying all over the floor, or arguing about what posters they are allowed to hang on their walls, the teenager's room is their, l'havdil, Kodesh Hakadoshim (Holy of Holies) which can be only entered by him- the kohen gadol- so to speak. Their room is important to them as it represents the place where they can be with their own thoughts and plan and dream about the future. It also represents the primary tasks of adolescence which are developing a sense of independence and developing a personal identity. The way their room is decorated represents who they are. When they need some “space” from other family members they run to their rooms.

The Chicago Sun-Times once ran a messiest teen bedroom contest. The winner stated, “If I really wanted to clean it, I could.” Not cleaning his room was one way of his asserting himself.

(In today's column I will focus on the cleaning of the room aspect. At another time, I will discuss the privacy issues).

How do we deal with the cleanliness issue?

1. We need to set up the expectations with our teens, (which may involve changing our expectations). Discuss and negotiate what a “clean room” means to you and how often this cleaning needs to take place. You make the final decision, but getting their input guarantees more buy-in from them. Make consequences a part of this discussion.
2. If the above agreement is not followed- the agreed upon consequences are put into place.
3. Let's not take their not cleaning their rooms personally. As I've mentioned before, the brain of the teenager is wired for chaos, as their prefrontal cortex- the part of the brain responsible for organizing and planning- is still underdeveloped. It is difficult for them to organize a mess.
4. Make cleaning as “fun” as possible. Put on music. Read books to them while cleaning- a strategy which works even better if you start it when they are younger.
5. Help them organize initially by making a place for each item. Organizing bins, shelves and even more hampers are ways to encourage neatness. Knowing exactly where to put each item helps them feel more organized and more prone to putting things away.
6. Some teens need to actually learn the steps of cleaning up. They look at their messy rooms and feel overwhelmed. Some children need to learn “Step 1- Take all the shoes off the floor and put them on the shoe racks. Step 2- Put all dirty clothes in the hamper.” Just saying, “Clean your room” is not enough for some.

Dr. Michael Bradley, author of the book Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy! Loving Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind, reminds parents, “The phrase we teach parents is, 'Your room makes me crazy, and I love you like crazy.' Separate the messy bedroom from the heart of the child. It's just not worth going to war over.” And, clearly not worthy of calling the police!

Parenting Pointers- The Penn State Scandal and Our Teens

The Penn State scandal serves as another teachable moment for our children. Whether or not they heard about it in the news or on-line, it reminds us as parents of the importance of talking to our teens about preventing abuse. The conversation may be difficult to have, but as the research indicates, it is essential in order for them to protect themselves. If we do not speak to our children about the topic of abuse in a frank manner, they will assume that it is a taboo topic. Consequently, if they ever confront a situation they are concerned about, they will hesitate to share it with us. We need to make it clear that although it might be uncomfortable to discuss, there is no topic that is off-limits- never.

The programs and conversations regarding abuse prevention in the past focused on “stranger danger.” Unfortunately, we realize today that 90% of perpetrators are people they trust and know. The first Penn State victim was 11 years old and met the abuser in camp. It was over a year after he had started spending time alone with him, and sleeping over in his basement until the boy came forward. He was even being taken out of classes to spend time alone off campus without the parents' permission. Embarrassment kept the boy from coming forward. Finally, hints to his parents led them to become suspicious. The mother then asked the school guidance counselor to speak with him and all was revealed. The shame was significant and he could not come forward. The victim said, “‘Well, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do, and you just can’t tell Jerry no,’” the mother reported.

Why don't children come forward when they are abused? A primary reason both boys and girls don't tell is because they do not know whether they will be believed.  Often the perpetrator is a beloved member of the community. The victim then feels powerless. Or perhaps the victim believes that he or she will be in trouble for causing this to happen to him/herself. Perpetrators also often threaten the child or his family. As I intimated earlier, there also is the problem of who a child can tell.  Children rarely initially tell a parent they have been abused as they are worried how their parents will react. Teens in general want to be independent and not rely on their parents to fix their problems. They therefore may feel they can handle the situation on their own.

Boys particularly tend not to come forward. First, society tells boys that they should not be victims. They need to fight back. Second, a boy is often afraid that if others find out that he was sexually abused by an adult male, they will think that he is a homosexual.  This often results in the male victim becoming further stigmatized.
In the Jewish community, there is the “shanda” factor, as Rabbi Mark Dratch, director of Jsafe notes. Rabbi Dratch describes this shanda as, “Denial and shame make the victims and the parents of victims reluctant to come forward. We like to portray an image of ideal communities.” There are even those hesitant to come forward because they think it is Loshon Hara (slander) or is being a moser (a forbidden informer). Child abuse is a crime and a clear violation of Torah and civil law. We as Torah observant adults know that we must report and let our children know that it is consistent with Torah values to report, even if the perpetrator is a religious leader.
What should we be doing as parents to ensure our children come forward when needed? We have that frank conversation and make it clear we will always believe them. What are some elements that this frank conversation should have?

1. Share with our children that they are in charge of their bodies. No one ever has the right to touch them or do anything that makes them uncomfortable.
2. They should trust their instincts. If something is making them “feel funny inside” then they should check with a trusted adult before they do it.
3. They should never allow anyone to trick or bribe them into doing something they do not want to do.
4. They have the right to say, “No”- even to adults if it is in a respectful manner. Provide them with some examples.
5. Stress that even someone who they know might hurt them. Our goal is not to make them paranoid, but to tell them that most people are trustworthy, however there are unfortunate exceptions.
6. They should never keep a secret from a parent. If someone asks them to do so, that is a clear sign they should tell a parent.
7. You will always keep them safe. Particularly if they are ever threatened, it is important for them to come to you.
8. Children need to see that talking about private parts when needed is not inappropriate. Starting from a young age, making sure to periodically utilize the correct names for private parts is essential to relaying the message that if you are having an issue involving those parts, they can speak to you and should. This use of language is also important when it comes to their not feeling embarrassed to come forward to you with medical concerns as they get older.
9. Highlight that there are different types of abuse. Abuse can be physical, emotional or sexual. Speak to them about harassment as well.
10. On-line safety. We know that today perpetrators often connect on-line with children. They need to know not to communicate with someone you don't know on-line.
11. They should never agree to meet an adult alone in an area where no one is around.
12. As teens get older, discussions about abusive dating relationships are important, focusing on what makes a good, supportive relationship.
13. End the conversation by asking them if they have any questions. They may feel giggly and reluctant and that is okay.

Conversations such as these are particularly essential before going to camp or sleep-overs. As with all difficult conversations we have with our teens, our goal is to let them know we are always there for them with a non- judgmental, listening ear.

Parenting Pointers- The "Talk" With Your 8th Grader

Having the Big Talk With Your 8^th Grader

Have you had the “talk” yet with your 8^th grader? You probably have. No, I don't mean that “talk”- I mean the talk about which high school they are choosing. Some of you may be thinking that you are happy with the school to which your older children went, and this child will go to the same one. But, even if that is the outcome, the “talk” is an important one to have. This is the first big decision of your child's life. Talking through the decision with them is good modeling and training of how to make important decisions in life.

That is why this past week we had our first ever extensive 8^th Grade Orientation for parents. We discussed the practical aspects of applying to high school and of the 8^th grade year, in addition to how to choose a high school with your child. We discussed the concept of a school being a “Good Fit” for your child and your family. The research about child development, as quoted in the book The Picky Parent, isolates four categories

• What Your Child Learns – What aspects of the curriculum are essential. This include extra and co-curricular activities as well.
• How Your Child Learns: How do I want my child to be taught? These include your child's learning styles, motivation, personality and values.
• Social Issues: Who are the children my child needs to be with?
• Practical Matters: This includes finances, busing etc.
  For those 8^th grade parents who were unable to join us, please feel free to see me for additional folders with some of the information inside.

The importance of this high school decision in training for life decision making is also why “Choosing a High School” is our first unit in our 8^th grade Advisory program. In Advisory we actually do not teach the students that you need to have the talk with them. We teach them that they should have the talk with you. We discuss what considerations go into choosing a high school. First, what do they think high school is like? How do they envision high school and the high school experience? Second, how do they envision themselves in high school? What kind of person would they like to become in the next four years? This is a difficult conversation for some students who have never seriously thought about the person they want to be. This is the age when they can begin to think in this way. And, even if the high school decision is already made, it is good for your child to think about- how do I want to grow in high school? Of which opportunities should I take advantage? Should I wean myself from my present friends and look for ones who are a better influence on me? Do I want to become more independent and responsible in high school and rely less on my parents to help me with work? Do I want to take my religiosity more seriously? High school is an opportunity for our children to start fresh. We want them to take this step with thought about whom they can become.

These are some questions we have had them thinking about in Advisory and are good ones to guide your conversation with them:

1. What am I looking for in a high school?
2. What do I want to accomplish in high school- what can the school do for me?
3. What can I contribute to high school- what can they can from having me?
4. What affects my choice- where my friends go? Where my siblings went? If it's co-ed or not? If there is a strong athletics program? If there is a strong program that enriches my interests (i.e. drama,debate, choir)? What type of students go there? Does the size of the school matter (do they want a bigger pool of students, or a smaller school)? Are there other social issues to take into consideration?
5. How can parents and children make the decision together? Depending on the family children have more say than in others. Each family has to do what works for them. In Advisory we discuss how to have this give and take conversation with you.

If they and/or you are undecided, this is a great opportunity for modeling. Make a pros versus cons chart with them. Encourage them to call students they know in each school and help them formulate the questions they need to ask. Show them that adults too often have a hard time with decisions and there is a process to use.

In 8^th grade Advisory we also help them feel more comfortable about the interview, the BJEs and even filling out the application. However, we know that how to have the “High School Talk” with your parents is the most important element of Unit #1. We hope that they and you are prepared. Let me know how it goes.

The Blame Game and Teshuva

“But, Mom, I didn't do anything!” “She started it first!” “It wasn't my fault!' These are common refrains we hear often from our children. We turn to them and say, “Apologize to your sister.” And, we then hear those refrains again. This week, my Parsha and Parenting shiur was on the topic of life lessons that Teshuva can provide for us and our children. One aspect of Teshuva we discussed was the first step “Hakarat Hachet” “Recognizing the sin.” In this step, the person has to be able to acknowledge that he has done the wrong thing- not an easy task! Children often deny wrongdoing because they are afraid of our reactions or the consequences. However, the first step in fixing a wrongdoing is admitting you have committed one.

The Gemara in Yoma 22a highlights the need for this Hakarat Hachet when it comes to Teshuva. Shaul, who committed the sin of keeping Agag the Amalekite alive, was sentenced to death and the monarchy was taken away from his family. In contrast, David Hamelech, who was guilty of causing the death of Uriah Hachiti so he could marry Batsheva, was cleared and forgiven. The Maharsha asks why was Shaul was dealt with with more stringency? The difference was in their reactions to sin. When David Hamelech was told by Natan the Prophet that he had sinned he simply responded, “I sinned before G-d.” But, when Shmuel told Shaul his sin, Shaul responded, “ I sinned violating G-d's word,” and added the words, “for I was fearful of the nation, bowing to their demands.” Shaul blamed the Jewish people for causing him to sin. Dovid took responsibility for his mistake and did not attempt to shift the blame on anyone else.

So, the apology that we have forced our child to give to his sister is meaningless unless he can accomplish the first step of Teshuva, Hakarat Hachet. How do we get our children to take responsibility for their mistakes and end the “blame game”? 1. We need to normalize mistakes. We relay the message that people make mistakes- we all “mess up” at times. We will always love them no matter what mistakes they make. They will then feel more comfortable admitting that they were in the wrong. 2. When we hear them blaming another for their misdeed we need to point that out to them. “It's not about whose fault it is. It is about whose responsibility it is.” 3. The concept of free choice applies here as well. They had the choice to choose that behavior. No one forced them to choose that path. 4. We need to model taking responsibility for our own mistakes. We own up to our mistakes and apologize. Even and especially if it means apologizing to our children if it is warranted. Apologies to our spouses in front of the children is also an opportunity for modeling Hakarat Hachet. 5. When we notice our children involved in the wrong behavior, rather then pointing out what they have done we ask them, “What is it that you think you have done wrong?” The apology then must include that act of wrongdoing: “I am sorry that I took your skirt without permission.” Saying “I'm sorry” alone is never sufficient. This step forces them to “recognize” that which needs to be done differently the next time.

That is the beauty of Teshuva that we relay to our children. There is a “next time” with a clean slate. We, their parents, and G-d, the Parent of all, are always prepared to give them another chance.

Disconnect and Connect

PLEASE MAKE SURE TO WATCH THE VIDEO THAT I SENT YOU IN MY E-MAIL TO YOU BEFORE YOU READ THIS BLOG.

The video you just viewed was created by the Disconnect Revolution. Their website states the message of their video: “connect- verb-form a relationship or feel an affinity. With the advent of new technology, our lies should have become progressively simpler, happier and more connected. But is that what is really happening? Seems that with the myriad gadgets we invent to enable us to stay connected, the more disconnected we become. We might be attending a stimulating lecture, enjoying a night out with friends, yet our hands are tapping in text. We might be spending time at the park, watching our toddlers in the playground, but our fingers and our mind are distracted with 'important' matters. We could be sitting in a restaurant, soft music in the background, enjoying dinner with our spouse, yet each of us is glued our respective phones. Friends have forgotten how to communicate, to share a laugh or a muse. Couples connect through texts and not conversations. Parents spend more quality time with their phones than with their kids... It is time to take a stand. Time to disconnect even if only for one hour. One hour to disconnect... and reconnect. To focus on those most precious to us. Our families. Parents. Spouse. Children. Ourselves. And, of course, our Creator.”

The message relayed by Rabbi Zecharia Wallerstein is a true but simple one. He is spearheading a Day to Disconnect on Oct. 2. (Which also happens to be Tzom Gedaliah). He is asking that on this day everyone voluntarily put down their “gadgets” for as much time as they can spare. (You can officially register for this mission at http://www.daytodisconnect.com/). A recent study stated that 84 % of people check their PDAs before going to bed and as soon as they wake up. (Is that before or after Shema and Modeh Ani?) 85% say they check it in the middle of the night. 80% even check their PDAs before their morning coffee! 1/3 of smartphone users would pick their Blackberries ove rtheir spouses if they had to choose one to live without. There is most definitely a new field in addiction called “cell phone addiction.”

When you get into a your car, you reach for it. When you take a break at work, you run to check it. We are hooked...not on cigarettes or even caffeine. On cellphones. Often, when our phones are not ringing we think they are- a phenomenon known as “phantom ringing.” Sociologist Jim Williams highlights that like many addictions, cell- phone addiction increases personal isolation. We actually do not have as many confidantes and close friends as our parents did. Dr. Sergio Chapparo, a professor at Rutgers University asked his 220 students to turn off their cellphones for 72 hours. Only three could do it. In a similar study done at the University of Maryland, where students were only asked for 24 hours and then asked to blog about it, some words they used to describe the experience were, “In withdrawal. Frantically craving. Very anxious. Extremely antsy. Miserable. Jittery. Crazy.” Sound like words associated with addiction to me! From where does this addiction come? In a 2010 New York Times article “Your Brain On Computers- Addicted to Technology and Paying a Price,” they explain that the stimulation triggers a “squirt” of dopamine which is a addictive. (Those who read my column on ½ Shabbat will recall the addictive nature of the cellphone for our teens).

What is the impact of this “addiction” on our families? Professor Sherry Turkle, director of the Mass. Institute of Technology Initiative on Technology and Self, stated that young adults whose parents were routinely distracted by these devices suffered feelings of jealousy and competition. She underscores the difference between being “available” and truly “present.” “If you're not going to be with me, don't be with me. But, if you are going to be with me, please be with me, and put that thing away.” Are we present with our children? Are we “with them?” Families with multiple communication devices are less likely to eat dinner together, which we know to be a predictor for resiliency in teens. They report that they are less satisfied with their family time. A 2009 article in the New York Times stressed the speech/language implications of parents constantly tuning into their cellphones, iPods etc. while pushing their children in strollers. “Parents have stopped having good communications with their young children, causing them to lose out on the eye contact, facial expression and overall feedback that is essential for early communication development.”

And, so this topic is an intuitive one. The program Sabbath Manifesto has even created cellphone sleeping bags- sacks to put cellphones in once week to take a break. We, as Jews, luckily have the Shabbat as a day we are forced to “disconnect.” The Gemara in Kiddushin 30b states, “Barati yetzer harah, Barati Torah tavlin.” “I created the evil inclination. I created the Torah as an antidote/cure.” The spiritual day of Shabbat serves as a cure for positive family connections. May this year be one of connections with our selves, families and Hakadosh Baruch Hu.

Keeping Our Children On the "Derech"

This week, I'd like to speak about my Amish “friend” again. (Clearly, my trip to Amish country made an impact on me!) As I shared with you last week, my family and I visited Lancaster this summer and went on an Amish buggy ride followed by a tour of an Amish farm. The driver sat my family next to him, and therefore, we had some time to “shmooze” in between his commentary. We asked him about his family. He said he had four children. The oldest is no longer Amish and drives a truck. My husband and I turned to each other with a smile and said, “He went 'off the derech'.” It made me wonder, what is it that turned that child off to the Amish way of life?

I began to think of a book I read some years ago called Off The Derech- Why Observant Jews Leave Judaism by Faranak Margolese. Ms. Margolese speaks of a phenomenon that terrifies us as Jewish parents and educators, “...After a while, I realized that at least 75% of my friends had been raised in observant homes, but were no longer observant themselves...I couldn't understand it. My friends had the best Jewish educations money could buy... They all had the tools necessary to continue observing Judaism... But they all had moved away...” Most of them went to shul Friday night or attended Friday night dinner, “but they were not living the halachically committed lives of their childhoods. They were connected without commitment.” She then decided to spend the next five years of her life researching, through surveying and interviewing formerly observant Jews why they left the path.

Ms. Margolese uncovered what she saw as the primary causes for this abandonment of Judaism. Many assume that it is lack of belief or an intellectual questioning that may lead to desertion. Not true. Others assume that it is the attraction of the other lifestyles which pulls deserters to leave. Also a myth. Rather, she feels that “the outside world did not pull them in, but rather the observant one pushed them out. They experienced Judaism as a source of pain rather than joy. So, they did what was natural: run in the other direction.” As I raise my children I consider her findings- is the Judaism I am presenting to my children one of joy? Do I appear to love my Judaism or is it a burden to me? Do I make it clear in the way I live my life that the Torah is a privilege? (Those who attended my pre-Shavuot shiur last year regarding how to prevent Judaism from being a burden will recall that there are numerous mistakes that we as parents make that may lead to their feeling that).

Off the Derech highlights many areas that need to be remedied by Yeshivot and parents to ensure that our children remain. One essential question Ms. Margolese highlights is, “Do my children feel that they are being forced into observance?” This question brought to mind my Amish “friend” again. The Amish practice what they call “rumspringa”- when for about two years adolescents are allowed to expose themselves to the outside culture before they fully accept the Amish way of life. I do not support such a practice in our culture, but the message is clear. They want the teens to fully accept it on their own, and not only because their parents tell them they must. In Judaism, we do believe that parents should enforce that their children follow halacha, but at the same time our children need to accept Torah in a more meaningful way, as they explore it and make it their own. As parents, we can accomplish this “ownership” by helping them explore Torah learning as we learn with them topics of their choosing outside of school. Not homework related. Not for a test. This is pure learning because it brings us joy. Hopefully, as they explore that Torah it will bring joy to them as well.

Ms. Margolese states in her concluding chapter, “Since they are born into our homes, schools and communities, since they are born neutral, ready to absorb what we give them, much is up to us. We play a significant role in creating their Judaism and defining their perception of it. It is frightening and exhilarating to realize how much influence we have- that we hold the keys to shaping their observance; that we are the Judaism our children experience; that we give them joy or pain, the knowledge or the ignorance, the pride or the shame.” As we lead our children on the path of life may we have the strength and wisdom to keep them “ on the derech.”

We've Got It Too Easy

We have it easy. Two events at the end of the summer reminded me of this truism. First, the end of the summer hurricane. Many are still recovering and will be for months. Most people in my neighborhood just suffered some power outages. However, those hours when we were powerless, we felt “powerless.” Small things like doing laundry, opening the door of your refrigerator and even watching television were appreciated. And, how we kvetched about the lack of power! All this was put into perspective when my family visited Lancaster immediately following the storm. We went on an Amish buggy ride and saw an Amish dairy farm. All the backbreaking work of farming without any electricity. No air conditioning. No cars. They truly “rough it” each day. They live their lives without electricity and we were crippled by a few hours or days without power. We most definitely have it easy!

In essence, the Amish have chosen to live as we did centuries ago without the developments we depend upon today. For our children, a day when they can't get reception on their smartphone is “roughing it.” I recently came across an article called, “Kids have it easy” written by the “Over 30 Crowd.” Speaking to the kids today he states, “You've got it so easy! And, I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it! When I was a kid we didn't have the internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in a card cataloge. There was no e-mail!! We had to actually write somebody a letter- with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take a week to get there...There were no MP3's or Napsters. If you wanted music you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio... We didn't have call-waiting. If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal- that's it. And, we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss... You had to pick it up and take your chances...That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!”

Aside from the lack of dependence on technology, the Amish teenagers work the farms- boys and girls. They awake at 4:00 a.m. alongside their parents, and plow the fields with cattle. The work ethic is incredible. How many of our children truly know the meaning of hard work? As parents, we may be partially responsible as we require less from them than our parents did from us. And, so they have grown to believe that they should get everything for nothing. Working hard does not come naturally. It has to be taught. We need to teach our children that acquiring anything of value demands hard work and it will not come to you on a silver platter. The Amish have it right- chores. If children need to do chores they realize that, for example, if they don't wash the dishes, there will be no clean dishes to eat. In most of our homes, we ask our children to do minimal chores around the house, and even those simple requests become sources of battle with nagging, threatening and even bribing.

With the start of the school year, this topic of a strong work ethic becomes essential for a student's success. In USA Today Partick Welsh wrote an article, “For Once, Blame the Student.” He begins, “Failure in the classroom is often tied to lack of funding, poor teachers or other ills. Here's a thought: Maybe it's the failed work ethic of today's kids. That's what I'm seeing in my school.” He continued to say that he noticed that his American born students did not have the “motivation, self-discipline or work ethic of foreign- born kids.” He then quoted a study which attributed students falling short of their academic potential to “their failure to exercise self- discipline.” When American students are asked what the number one factor is in performing well in math, they state that a good teacher is the determining factor. Japanese students answered that “studying hard” was the factor. Students today are convinced that their effort is not what determines their grades and teachers have become responsible to motivate the child. Students, naturally, are looking to get out of hard work. We, as parents, need to make sure that we do not assist them with avoiding work.

These messages are important ones to speak about with our children as they begin a new year. We need to appreciate the “power” we have. Working hard is important despite how “easy” advancements have made our lives. A strong work ethic comes from the way we raise our children, and from within themselves.

Parenting Pointers- Graduation, Gratitude and Gam Zu L'Tova

As we watched our graduates march down the aisle last night, we felt a sense of pride as we have watched them grow into fine young people. These past number of days, there have been a few themes that have repeated themselves over and over. One of them has been, “Thank you.” All of our speakers last night relayed numerous thank yous to their parents, teachers and classmates. One speaker even dedicted his entire speech to the theme of Hakarat Hatov. (Hopefully, at the end of year we are encouraging all of our children- even those not graduating- to say, “Thank you” to their teachers for the countless hours and kochot (efforts) the have put into them). Parents have contacted us with thank-yous for caring for their children these past 10 years. And, of course, as educators we thank our parents for entrusting these children to us, and thank Hakadosh Baruch Hu for guiding us in guiding them.
This spirit of gratitude is actually healthy for everyone and is should not only be relegated to graduation time. Psychologist Robert Emmons at the University of California has spent years researching the positive effect of gratitude. Subjects who kept gratitude journals reported fewer negative physical symptoms, felt better about their lives and more more optimistic about the coming week. They were more likey to have achieved academic, health and interpersonal goals. There was also increased levels of helpfulness towards others. (We know the obvious positive effects of reaching out to others).
When this research was focused particularly on teens they were found to have had higher levels of alertness, attentiveness, energy, enthusiasm and determination.
Some of the physiology behind all these results can be found in the fact that researchers have discovered that when one thinks about something for which he or she is grateful, the parasympathetic a (the branch of the nervous system which creates calm), is triggered. This in turn has positive effects on the heart, as the electromagnetic patterns of the subjects became more stable.
Dr. Emmons discusses the problematic gratitude that many of us have. We generally only feel “conditional” gratitude when things go our way. If he gets an “A” on the test, then he is grateful to the teacher. If she received the Chanukah gift for which she had been hoping, only then she is grateful. He claims that we can choose to be grateful before we receive what we want. He highlights four benefits in doing so:

1. Being grateful frees you to truly feel happiness as it protects you from being angry, stressed, anxious or discouraged.
2. A grateful person is a more pleasant person, and this can only have positive impacts on your relationships.
3. “Feeling gratitude gradually reveals all there is to feel grateful for and that allows you to truly appreciate it.” Once a person is focused on gratitude he will actually discern more things for which to feel grateful.
4. Feeling grateful “attracts you to conditions that support your feelings of gratitude.” Meaning, if one is grateful for that which has not yet happened, and you wish it to happen, that event is more prone to happen. (This may be something akin to self- fulfilling prophesy- a positive or negative expectation about circumstances that affects a person's behavior and causes that expectation to be fulfilled. For example, if I expect people to think I am a poor student, I may behave in a certain way to make that expectation come true- unconsciously).

This is truly what the concept of “Gam Zu L'tova” “This too is for the best,” is as is found in Gemara Ta'anit 21a about Nachum Ish Gamzu. He received this nickname as no matter what negative experiences he faced in life, he always said, “This too is for the best,” and was grateful for his lot as he always expected and focused on the positives. We are grateful even when things do not go our way. A similar theme is found in Berachot 60b as Rabbi Akiva was accustomed to saying "Everything Hashem does is for the good,” in frustrating and even frightening situations. In essence, he was grateful to Hashem for that which does not appear “good” as well.
How do we raise children who are able to be grateful even before good things happen or when they don't happen at all? How do we raise children with an atitude of gratitude that permeates their entire being? Emmons speaks about “Gratitude Journals” where at the end of each day you focus on the events for which you are grateful. The underlying goal is get our children to focus on all that is good in their lives each day. That can be a conversation at the table about some positive things that happened to them that day. We also can help them re-frame negative events that they experienced thereby helping them practice “Gam zu l'tovah.” It may be difficult for a teenager to see the positive side of failing an exam. But, we can try to help them minimize the utter devastation they are feeling, (after you have empathizes and listened), by helping them see that it is only one test...and the teacher will still respect him... and it doesn't mean he's a failure...and things will get better. That is all part of “Gam zu l'tovah.”
As we end the year, let us feel grateful for our numerous success, and even grateful for the failures as well. But, more importantly, let us feel grateful for the successes that have yet to come.


Have a wonderful summer!

Parenting Pointers- Suffering From Stigma

As a psychologist who works in a school, one of my priorities is to minimize the stigma there is in talking to someone like me. I do not want children to feel that there must be something “wrong” with them if they are speaking with me. As I introduce myself to the students and their parents for the first time in 6^th grade, I stress to them that I meet with ALL the students simply to check in, see how they are doing and to get a pulse on how the students perceive different aspects of school-life. I also purposefully involve myself in activities that have nothing to do with my official role in the school. For example, this past week, I coordinated the Yom Yerushalayim program in the Middle School. These sort of activities give me the chance to “hang” with students. I have also in the past taught Judaic Studies as well. These activities provide the opportunity for the students to see me as someone who doesn't only meet with “crazy” kids.

Fortunately, I think my efforts are mostly successful. (As successful as they can be with teenagers who typically are wary around adults!) However, unfortunately, this stigma still exists when it comes to teenagers seeking private counseling help outside of school. As I often share with parents, in my fifteen years of working in schools, I can think of only a handful of students who asked to have private counseling. Most teenagers feel that it means they are “crazy” and that their parents have labelled them as “mental.”

A few weeks ago, I attended a conference sponsored by Ohel on the topic of Understanding Teen Depression and Suicidality. Grace Carricarte, the presenter was from an organization called the Ganley Foundation. Their mission is to educate teenagers, their teachers and their parents about depression, its warning signs and that depression is not just for the the “mentally ill.” The founders of this organization – parents from Bergen county- lost their son at the age of 22 to suicide. They did not even know he was depressed. He was a “perfect” child- life of the party, always successful in academics and sports, and even presented to them a picture of perfect happiness. In his good-bye letter he said that he presented that way to them purposefully because he did not want them to feel guilty that they did something wrong as parents. The Ganleys were overwhelmed with anger that no one had ever told them this could happen. Children get yearly check-ups to check for all sorts of maladies. Depression is an illness- like cancer, or diabetes. It is treatable. Why didn't anyone tell them to look out for it? And, so their mission became to speak about the warning signs so that teens could self-refer and refer their friends for help. Teens don't generally come forward to ask for help. Why not?

According to a 2009 Rand study, the stigma of depression and the potentially negative reactions of their family and parents to admitting needing help are the main reasons why teens do not seek help. The message from this study is obvious. As parents, we need to minimize the stigma of getting help. We need to make it clear to our children that there are many “normal” difficulties in life, and sometimes we need help from an expert in working them through. Those who enter therapy have life challenges or stessors that are affecting their ability to cope- for now. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness. They should NEVER be afraid to tell us anything. We will always support them and get them the help they need.

In addition, many teens do not even realize they are suffering from depression, as they think it might be a phase through which they are going. And, oftentimes, when they do report to adults, the adults chalk it up to a “phase” as well. That is where the education piece comes in. They need to understand what the illness of depression is- what physiologically happens in the brain, and how it is treated.

Teens also often have many misconceptions about how therapy works. They think it means lying on a couch spilling their secrets with a therapist who just nods his/her head and then later reveals all to the parents. Clearly, that is therapy on TV. Therapy today is education and directed activities to achieve a goal. Therapists who work with teenagers are careful about confidentiality issues. Teens are also used to concealing problems as they may not want to admit that there are difficulties. Those suffering with depression also often feel unworthy. They feel worthless so they feel they are not worth the help. Overall, the fear, embarrassment and even at times, defiance, stand in the way of their getting help. As the adults, we need to make sure that just like if our child, G-d forbid, had cancer we would not allow him to suffer, so too we must make sure that he gets the treatment he needs. (The stigma tends to be even greater in boys and men who are not “supposed to” emot like girls do).

The stigma is magnified in the Jewish community. No one will admit in public that they are suffering. Rabbi Nathaniel Helfgot spoke about this issue at length in his 2001 article in Jewish Action Magazine “Dimensions- A Young Man's Story of Torment- Surviving Depression.” As parents, we need to stress to our children that it's not a “shanda” to feel depressed.

And, so, I have added another “Talk” to our list of “talks” we need to have with our children. (You thought the puberty talk was bad enough!) The details of these talks may be different, but the underlying message is the same. No matter what you tell me, I will always love you and take you seriously. Nothing you ever tell me will make me ashamed of you.

I/2 Shabbat?

“Half-Shabbos”!!! What in the world is that? I recently had the privilege of hearing a presentation by Dr. David Pelcovitz, a renowned psychologist in the Orthodox Jewish world today. The goal of his presentation was to discuss how to keep your child safe in today's world. Topics like sexual abuse, or even substance abuse would be topics one would imagine would be top on his list to discuss. These are topics about which we are concerned. We have incorporated them into our Advisory programming. Most Yeshivot and parents today are worried about “at-risk” teens, and considering what we can do to minimize those risks. But, instead, most of the comments/questions at the end of the lecture were about a new and disturbing phenomenon called “half-Shabbos.” I actually heard about the existence of this behavior some time ago. The first time I heard about it I could not imagine what it meant. Is it sort of like keeping 1 and ½ days of Yom Tov in Eretz Yisrael if you are American? Not quite.

It is when someone in public appears to keep all the laws of Shabbat, goes to shul etc., except that he texts his other friends who are “half-Shabbos” observers on Shabbat. This phenomenon exists in every stream of Orthodox Judaism from the east to the west coast. It appears that a network of these teens has developed. Why does this happen? How could this happen? How could it be that children growing up in Shomer Shabbat homes and going to Yeshivot all their lives could lose the meaning of Shabbat? What are we doing wrong? I, personally, am devastated.

Some of the hypotheses we discussed were:

1. Texting is like breathing to children today. In fact, in a recent study that Dr. Pelcovitz conducted, most teens said that they preferred to text their friends than to speak to them in person. I once shared in one of my columns that one of our 7^th graders told me that she never actually uses the phone to call her friends. Those around her concurred. They are therefore not comfortable communicating face to face as they should be. This fact reminds us that we need to encourage our teens to put down the phone and talk to their friends, and invite them over. People in the business field can even substantiate the fact that the young employees, who spend most of their day texting, are missing some essential social skills important for business success. So, just like one cannot live one day without breathing, one cannot live one day without texting.
2. There is an addictive quality to texting. Today there are addiction centers that treat people for addictions to the internet and digital media. Although, one might say, that even those who are addicted to smoking refrain for the 25 hours of Shabbat. Again, the need to limit texting and digital media is essential to prevent addiction.
3. Those of us who are parents of teens, think about where we are Shabbat afternoon when this texting is happening. We are mostly upstairs taking our Shabbat naps. We have waited years for our children to be independent enough so we can leave them to their own activities and take a well-deserved “shluff.” This phenomenon reminds us that our teens still need us on Shabbat. It's never too late to start spending quality time Shabbat afternoon- play some Monopoly, study for a test, talk. Is is better to start this practice when they are younger. It is okay to have a Shabbat here and there where no one has play dates and we just spend time as a family. And, if your teen is resistant to that bonding time, and must be with friends, invite them over and spend some time in their vicinity. Many “half-Shabbos” teens have indicated that if their parents were around, they would not text on Shabbat.
4. Are we successful with inculcating the true joy of Shabbat to our children? Do they observe that joy on our faces when Shabbat arrives? Do we talk to them about what Shabbat means to us as a spiritual day?

I left that lecture with some realizations. First, we need to have a frank discussion with our teens about our knowledge of this “half-Shabbos” practice and how much it would disappoint us if our children would participate in this. We should not feel hesitant to make our values clear.

Second, we are so busy making sure our children stay safe by not doing drugs, having positive self esteem and learning good life skills that we have forgotten to make sure that our children appreciate what Judaism, (and Shabbat), is all about. We need to do a better job at “turning our children on” to Shabbat so that they will not keep it halfheartedly, but in full.

Tzniut and Eating Disorders- What's The Connection

I used to teach a class on halachot and hashkafot that relate to women and girls. You may be shocked to hear that as a psychologist I was always excited to get up the topic of tzniut. Why? Because I felt that tzniut was not about skirt lengths and necklines, and I never focused on that aspect. I felt that it was up to each young lady's parents and rabbi to discuss with her what her guidelines should be. Rather, tzniut is truly about body image. 80% of women are unhappy with their bodies. 4 out of 5 10 year olds are afraid of being fat. And, of course, in the extreme, some of these dissatisfied girls grow to have true eating disorders which can even begin at the young lower school years.

I like to think that many of the halachot that regulate our lives have a beneficial impact on our mental health. I believe that tzniut is in that category. As women, I want our girls to understand that tzniut can truly help solidify their self-image and can strengthen them as self- sufficient women. If we focus on the restrictive nature of some of the details then of course they become resentful. When I demonstrate to the girls that the values that tzniut represent are at times envied by the general world at large, they begin to view the issues differently.

In 2010, Jessica Simpson (not necessarily a role model for our girls), launched a reality television series called “The Price of Beauty.” In the series' fifth episode, she visited Morraco and the episode highlighted the head-to-toe coverings of some of the women. Simpson noted how without showing much skin, these women were beautiful. "It really is about the heart of a woman that makes her beautiful," she noted. Hmm, but how do we get the world to focus on what's inside and not just what's on our outsides?

In 2008, I stumbled across an article called “Teen Fashion Today”by Abigail Jones and Marissa Miley. They begin, “Let’s go back in time. It’s 2002 and you’re taking your young daughter shopping. She’s ten or eleven years old, and wants to stop into Abercrombie & Fitch. You reluctantly agree, trudging towards that plaid abyss of booming music and semi-nude models. But once inside you are surprised. You find simple corduroy pants, tees, and sweats. Clean-cut young sales associates, too. Just when you’re beginning to get comfortable, you turn and see pink thongs emblazoned with the words 'eye candy' and 'wink wink' - in your daughter’s pre-pubescent size. You panic. So did consumer and parent groups. But A&F didn’t change a thing.” Can you relate? They continue, “Girls strive to look sexy because sexy is what they see - they think it will help them get further, gain confidence, and earn attention...For some reason, many parents are going along with it. We’ve talked with countless mothers who buy whatever their daughters want because everyone has it. Moms want their daughters to fit in and be happy.” Boys have the same pressure too. Our children believe they can get attention for their physical outsides, without flaunting their beautiful insides. But, we want them to know that strength of character is what “helps them get further, gain confidence and earn attention.”

We are trying to raise children who are not superficial and do not only care about looks. Gila Manolson, in her book “Outside Inside” highlights the lesson tzniut ingrains in our children- if relayed the right way, “Covering yourself is therefore the most fundamental way saying, 'I'm more than a body.' ...by directing attention past the outside to the inside. It's the first step in asserting our personhood. And the more of our bodies we cover, the less they eclipse who we are. I read a story (recounted in my book Head to Heart) about a female college professor who was set up on a blind date. As she was a bookish intellectual, her date was warned that she might dress primly — but she showed up in a low-cut dress with a thigh-high slit. 'Wow!' he blurted out, taken aback. 'Your brains don't show at all!' ”

The message we want our children to get is “You are more than your body.” This message relieves the pressure they often feel to look perfect, be skinny and “dress to kill.” (For boys and girls this message is imperative. If affects how the boys view themselves and their expectations for the way the girls should look, significantly impacting on the girls!) Tzniut helps us reinforce that message. How envious Abigail Jones and Marisa Miley (who wrote the article above) must be of our ability as Jewish parents to send that message loud and clear through having a positive attitude about and glorifying tzniut.