Parents Unite! Don't Miss Our December 11th Workshop...Really!

“Mi lashem eilai” “Whoever is for Hashem come with me,” was the rallying call of Matityahu to unite the Jewish people. The best way to stand up to the Syrian- Greeks- physically and spiritually- was to unite.  No matter what influences were surrounding the Jews, when they united they were able to triumph.
           

As parents, we are battling many negative influences that permeate the lives of our children each day. Whether from the media or from the overall culture in which we live, we often feel that as they enter the teenage years we are in battle. The problem is that we as parents do not unite enough.   

Last year, as you know,  we were privileged to host a parent workshop on the topic of setting boundaries and limits on our children’s technology use.  I know that I need not spend any more time on this topic, but there was an important realization that all of us parents who attended left with that night.  During one piece of the workshop, we broke into groups according to the ages of our children  to discuss rules that we think we should put into place in our homes when it comes to technology use.  We had the opportunity to hear some innovative ideas that others are already implementing. More importantly, we got the chance to see that we are all in the same boat and struggling with the same things.  We talked about the ages we had decided to give our kids phones.  We spoke about how much easier it would be if we were all implementing the same rules, (with some variation), across the board so that we need not be the only “mean parents.”  Wouldn’t it be amazing if before we gave our children phones we parents would have a meeting to discuss some across the board regulations that we can all implement?  There is strength in unity.  Just swapping ideas was supportive and helpful.  We had the chance to unite.

The conversation should sound familiar.  

Your child: “Everyone else is on social media. Why can’t I be?”

You: “I don’t care what ‘everyone else’ is doing. You can’t.”

Your child: “Why are you so mean? You’re the only parent who isn’t letting!”

You can fill in the blank, but this is a common interchange between a child and parent in the middle school years and beyond.  Let me let you in on a little secret. Not everyone is on social media.  Not everyone’s parent is letting. And, you are not the only mean one.  The problem is we never unite so we do not know what the other parents are doing.

Over 20 years ago when I worked in a high school, a woman named Connie Greene, the Vice President for the Barnabas Health Behavioral Network Institute for Prevention, came to give a series of workshops in my school regarding parenting and substance abuse.  She would laugh if she knew that I remembered a comment she made.  She said (not exact words), “Parents, you need to band together and ‘plot.’ The kids are smarter than we are. They are banding together and ‘plotting’ already. You need to unite too.” 

We need to talk to other parents and not isolate ourselves. We need to investigate what others are doing, and band together.  There is strength in numbers.  At the time, when I was working in that school, we spoke of parents getting together to meet about rules for parties. Any parent that was part of that group or “pact” would be considered a safe place to send your child to for a party.  Why aren’t we doing the same when it comes to technology?

Tomorrow night, December 11th, 8:00 pm will be our chance to unite about the technology use of our children!  Parents left last year’s technology workshop, where Dr. Shapiro stressed that it has to come from the parents,  inspired to form parent committees to answer the question,   "What can we, as parents, can do to help and support each other to keep our children safe?" That was the birth of the Yavneh Academy Digital Safety Parent Committee. These Yavneh parents, in grades 1-3, 4-5 and 6-8, worked together to create age specific guidelines that we as parents can all implement if we choose to band together. Rabbi Rothwachs’ presentation, where he will keenly highlight the struggles we are facing, will launch the distribution of these guidelines by the parent committee. The beauty is that they are not school-created rules. They are parent-created guidelines to help support us as parents.

About four years ago two of the parents in my daughter’s grade sent out the following letter to the rest of the parents in the grade, (I purposely left out the grade so that it can be more easily generalized).

Before you know it, the school year will be starting and our children will be in _______ grade, growing up very quickly.

One of the challenges that we, as parents of today’s children, face is our children’s access to technology through iPods and cell phones.

From our experience and those of our friends’, these devices present a whole bunch of issues as the children get older, more savvy, curious and sophisticated.  They are constantly exploring, texting, and being distracted.  In addition, group texts and the inability of younger children (and sometimes older ones) to appreciate the permanence and effects of what they write or send can lead to social, emotional and bullying issues.

So, perhaps we can band together in an effort to help our young children face these challenges and consider delaying the children’ access to texting and having their own cell phones.  

While we understand that doing so would be an unpopular decision with many of our children, it would be much easier to take such a position if others take the same stand and our child’s friends also do not have a cell phone or texting capabilities.    “But everyone else has it or does it” or “I will be left out if I don’t text everyone…” becomes less of a legitimate concern.

As the children get older, we understand that there are certainly conveniences of having a cell phone for things such as calling from a bar/bat mitzvah celebration or while out biking.  To that end, some families have invested in a “family phone” that can be used by the child on occasion to make calls but is not available as a personal phone/texting device.   We are also not suggesting banning iPods or tablets but perhaps considering ideas such as disabling the texting and safari (or other internet browser), so as to limit the otherwise free access at all times.

Please consider the above sentiments and email us if you would be interested in getting a group together to discuss these issues as parents. 

When I received this e-mail- sent purely from parents with no involvement from the school, I thought, “Hey, why didn’t I think of that?”  While I did not have to agree with every aspect of what they proposed, I wholeheartedly agreed that it would be so much easier to set limits if all the peers in my child’s class had similar limits. What if we as parents united? I can tell you, from experience, it worked. 

Whoever is for Hashem come with me,” was Matityahu’s rallying cry. “Whoever is for strengthening our teens and implementing good values come with me!” is the parent’s rallying cry.  Let us unite and support each other, and thereby strengthen our children.

Please note that a piece of this column appeared in a previous year’s column, but its message was worth repeating before our iParent: A Roadmap For Raising Children In A Digital Era workshop tomorrow evening.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Knee- deep into our Hey Dude Don’t Be Rude manners unit, students discussed bar/bat mitzvah etiquette and proper manners, leading up to our mock bar/bat mitzvah to practice these skills.

Seventh Grade:  Seventh graders wrapped up their Operation Respect unit with a visit to the homeless shelter.  They performed a beautiful song and gave out gift bags with hats, gloves and scarves as they conversed with the “guests” in the shelter.

Eighth Grade:  Connecting to Chanukah they focused on materialism and what leads to true happiness.

Chanukah Rivalry?

As we celebrate Chanukah this evening, I envision the Chashmonai brothers who united under the leadership of their father Matityahu. Five brothers, joined arm in arm, for the will of Hashem.  There is nothing like siblings getting along. Then, I consider this past week’s parasha of Vayeshev where we read of the sibling rivalry of Yoseph and his brothers. Why couldn’t they “just get along”  like the Chasmonai brothers?  (Sounds like something we might say to our own kids after spending Shabbos lunch with that other family…)

And, the story of Yaakov’s mistake in the treatment of Yoseph which led to this jealousy that “caused” this sibling rivalry,  seems so obvious to anyone who has taken a basic parenting class.  Showing favoritism to one child over another is a no no!  Yaakov made it obvious that he loved Yoseph more and gave him a special coat which gave him a special status.  Rav Shimson Raphael Hirsch points out Yaakov’s parenting mistake,

“That all was not judicious or wise, that Jacob should not have listened to his tattle, that altogether to show favoritism to one child had only evil effects in the history of our forefathers, as indeed it has in any home, is stressed bitterly enough in the pernicious results which are shown in this story.  They are weaknesses which occur only too frequently in people’s lives, but are nonetheless weaknesses.”

The Gemara Shabbat 10b similarly states,  

ואמר רבא בר מחסיא אמר רב חמא בר גוריא אמר רב לעולם אל ישנה אדם בנו בין הבנים שבשביל משקל שני סלעים מילת שנתן יעקב ליוסף יותר משאר בניו נתקנאו בו אחיו ונתגלגל הדבר וירדו אבותינו למצרים:

And Rava bar Meḥasseya said that Rav Ḥama bar Gurya said that Rav said: A person should never distinguish one of his sons from among the other sons by giving him preferential treatment. As, due to the weight of two sela of fine wool [meilat] that Jacob gave to Joseph, beyond what he gave the rest of his sons, in making him the striped coat, his brothers became jealous of him and the matter unfolded and our forefathers descended to Egypt.

And, even Hashem, the greatest Parent of all, “lo yisa panim” (Devarim 10:17), will not show favoritism.  But, Yaakov was a wise man.  Even more so, he witnessed firsthand the effects of a parent favoring one son over another, as Yitzchak seemed to favor Eisav over himself.  Why would Yaakov make this mistake?

One might consider that Yaakov saw Yoseph as the son without a mother- a very logical reason to pay more attention to Yoseph than he did to the other brothers. Rav Hirsch describes Yoseph as “a motherless,and brotherless youth. All the others grew up in company with brothers and under the wing and influence of mother- love. Joseph stood alone.  He had lost his mother early in life, and Benjamin was still a child and no companion for the youth. With his half-brothers he did not feel entirely at home and felt more drawn towards the brothers of the maids…”

 Often, as parents, we find that we need to pay more attention to one particular child whether due a disability, a health issue or an emotional need. That special treatment is very difficult for the other children who often come to resent those “special” children who get more attention due to their condition.  

Caroline Buzanko highlights three reasons why children are often envious of those children who need more attention:

1. Lack of parental attention- which is being lavished on the other sibling.
2. Differential attention-  there are different expectations from that child, i.e. when it comes to doing chores
3. Family functioning is different- they may be limited on the trips they go on, or they may not go out to dinner like other families etc.

Often we find the “typically developing” sibling may act out in order to get more attention. Others, may internalize and become more quiet and withdraw. Others become overachievers  whether to compensate for their sibling or to gain recognition.

In the case of sibling rivalry when a child is singled out for more attention,  it is important for the other siblings to receive accurate education and information about their sibling’s condition.  And, these conversations need to be ongoing and not just a one shot deal. Parents also have to plan intentional time with the other siblings.  It need not be an expensive trip, but even small gestures, says Buzanko, like notes of appreciation in their lunches- things to show them they are appreciated.  Additionally, it is important to not impose a caregiving role on the siblings. They should be as involved as they wish.   

In today’s society, in families where there is no need to favor one child, we are so careful not to show favoritism to any of our children. But, even we, enlightened parents of today, still catch ourselves saying things like, “Why don’t you clean your room like your brother does?”  or “Your sister came right away when I called you, why can’t you?”  Interestingly enough, not showing favoritism does NOT mean treating all children exactly the same.

Slovie Jungreis- Wolff, in her article, “Battling Sibling Rivalry” points to the sibling rivalry that often rears its head during Chanukah.  Why did she get a bigger gift than I?  Why am I always neglected? 

She differentiates between sibling disagreements and sibling rivalry. With normal disagreements, the children normally get along, and have fights and conflicts at times.

 “Rivalry is defined as a contest, competition, or conflict. We are talking about brothers and sisters who are constantly competing against each other. Life is one big tug of war, each side pulling against the other.

These children are constantly measuring and comparing:
“Hey! Why did she get a bigger piece of cake than me?”
“When I was his age, you never let me stay up so late!”
“Why does he get a playstation for his birthday and you never bought a gift like that for me?”

At times, that rivalry continues into adulthood, as Jungreis notes,
“I should’ve gotten that raise!”
“Why does my sister have such a great life?”
“How did my brother ever get that job? I am so much smarter than him!”
Such individuals never feel at peace. They are forever comparing and don’t know how to be content with what they have.

The root of  this rivalry is people seeing life through an “envious lens.”  We feed this jealousy when we treat each child the same- give them the exact size slice of cake, buy all the children toys at the same time and overall try to treat them the “same.”  This is the error! No one in life is exactly the same. This fosters the contest and it grows “uglier.” When we teach our children that no two people in life are the same- we have our own talents, dislikes and even needs they come to realize they don’t need what their sibling needs.  Jungreis gives a parable:

Being jealous is like eyeing someone else’s gorgeous piece of luggage. Nothing inside fits.
When I was a little girl, I was taught that being jealous is like eyeing someone else’s gorgeous piece of luggage. You lug it home excitedly, open it up, and realize too late that nothing fits. Besides, half the stuff inside isn’t even your taste.

Parents should not help children eye the lives of others. Kids should know that every child in the family is appreciated for his or her specific individuality. We also should not encourage the tantrums and discontent by striving to make each situation equal...And part of being a mensch in this world is being able to look at others without malice.

Regardless of the ups and downs in sibling relationships, (even the Chashmonaim meet their downfall years later when two brothers fight over the leadership), it  is important to remember that research does indicate that having a sibling is good for you- it improves overall mental health, promotes altruism, makes you happier and even helps people live longer.  Hopefully, the Chanukah memories our children make with their siblings will be full of appropriate revelry and not rivalry, and  they will be content with the "luggage" they have received. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade Students began a manners unit on appropriate “etiquette.”

Seventh Grade: Students focused on the roots of homelessness (in preparation for their visit this week) and trying to understand the homeless as people.

Eighth Grade: Students discussed the high school acceptance process and learning styles.  

Food For The Thanksgiving Feast- The Sandwich

Parent teacher conferences and Thanksgiving are usually in close proximity to each other.  What is the subliminal message? Some cynics might say,  to be thankful we only have to go through it twice a year?  That we are so exhausted so we need two days off soon after? I rather see it as being a positive connection as we are thankful as teachers and parents for our students and all their hard work, participation in class and their unique personalities.  We are thankful for the time our teachers put into our children and the time parents spend at home helping the students manage their work. So, parent-teacher conferences should be a “high- five” session of - good for you! You worked so hard and you are appreciated.

But, what if there are areas that your child needs to work on or he has not succeeded in every area?  Gratitude is again the answer.  Research shows that employees are more motivated to work hard when their bosses show appreciation. And, vice versa. Employees are prone to work less when their bosses are too demanding or they fear losing their job.  But, how do you show gratitude to a child?  I would like to reframe gratitude and view it as “praise”- which is more effective.  Yes, each day in the Amidah, as we teach our children, we say בקשה , שבח and הודאה- praise, requests, and thanks. We know that thanks comes after we have received the “requests.” And, while there is value in that thanks, perhaps there is greater value in the “praise” that is not dependent on the results.

On Election Day, our teachers were privileged to hear several presentations by Dr. Tom McIntyre (Dr. Mac).  Dr. Mac is a professor of special education at Hunter College of the City University of New York where he directs the graduate program in the education of students with mental health and behavior disorders.  He is the author of four books and his informative BehaviorAdvisor.com, is the world's most visited classroom behavior management website. Fitting in to our year-long theme of “communication” Dr. Mac presented practical and easy to implement research- based positive techniques and communication tips for teachers to help promote motivation and cooperative behavior, solve problems (or better yet, prevent them), promote self- control and strengthen their positive relationships with their students.   

One area of focus for Dr. Mac was the area of praise.  Dr. Mac stressed, unbeknownst to many, that there have been thirteen types of praise studied in research and only two have been shown to work, and some are even counter-productive and harmful. Teachers spent time learning how to praise our students effectively.   And along with praise, how do we utilize criticism that teaches and motivates?  As we leave parent teacher conferences today, how can we as parents utilizes some of Dr. Mac’s tips to most effectively praise and share critique?

Dr. Mac quoted the research of Dr. Carol Dweck on praise, which we have mentioned in this column before. We often praise our children “You’re so smart!” or “You’re an amazing math student!”  This simply sets them up for negative feelings about themselves as they are more fearful of “messing up,” more prone to giving up and not working hard, and less confident in the long-term.  On the other hand, praising children for their effort- their perseverance, strategies, improvement, leads to greater self- confidence. “You worked so hard. You took amazing notes with bullet points, and then tested yourself using your flashcards.” And, even when they don’t achieve the grade, they still get praise for their effort, “ You worked so hard on this. I am so proud of your effort. Let’s see what we can do together to figure out what you do not understand.”  We should never praise the product, but rather the process.  Again, this is שבח- praise and not הודאה- thanks, as it is not results based.

But, what if it isn’t all praise and we need to critique? How we critique has to do with the mindset of the “critiquer.” Dr. Mac spoke of symptom separation- when it comes to speaking with our children about areas they need to improve, we need to remember we are frustrated with the behavior and not the child. This reminds us of the pasuk in Tehillim 104:35 “Sinners will be destroyed from the earth” יִתַּ֚מּוּחַטָּאִ֨ים | מִן־הָאָ֡רֶץ Note that it says "חטאים” sins and not “חוטאים” - sinners. In truth, it is the sins that we want to disappear, not the sinner himself. We need to separate the child from the behavior. Rather than perceiving it as a child who is irritating me with not following through on what he is supposed to be doing, it is a difficult situation and he needs my caring and empathy.  The manner in which we react to their “failure” to either do the work or behave, will determine how they react. We are the thermostat for adjusting the temperature in our homes, so we need to manage our own emotions first.  

Dr. Mac shared with use the Chinese symbol for crisis: 危机. It is composed of two symbols- one that means danger and one that means opportunity.  We need to be careful that when we critique our children we are not just focused on the “danger” but also on the “opportunity” ahead for change.  We need to exude calm, make it clear what you need the child to do- but avoid “You” statements”  and focus more on “I” statements. No, “You are always forgetting your homework.’ Rather, “I need homework done first before…”   Just make sure a “you message” is not imbedded in an “I message” like, “I need you to stop acting lazy.” Most importantly, we do not want to predict a negative future when critiquing, “You will never get into high school with these grades!” “You are going to fail the test!”   We want to show them that we are hopeful that they can do it.  We need to be careful not to use an accusatory tone. And, there needs to be a belief statement that you believe he/she can do better, “I know if we put this plan into effect you can…” And,whatever you do, do not reminisce and go back to the past. “Remember when you didn’t take notes  last year and you failed?”  That child knows you don’t believe in him/her and are predicting failure again.

Additionally, children are willing to take criticism if they believe you believe in them.  Dr. Mac quoted research that states that in life we probably hear three positive things to one negative.  Our morale starts lowering when we hear only 2 positives to 1 negative.  That led Dr. Mac to speak about the criticism sandwich which he calls “emotional health food.” Criticism is digested better when it is delivered in a sandwich of positives. You start off with a praise, then the critique and then the encouragement that you know he can do it.

As we leave parent teacher conferences and decide how to share the good and not so good news with our children, may Dr. Mac’s advice regarding praise and criticism, like the sandwich,  be “food for thought.”

Advisory Update;

Sixth Grade:  Sixth graders learned more about time management and how to organize their schedules. Some groups began an unit on manners and etiquette.

Seventh Grade: Students began a unit on empathy and the skills to empathize with others.

Eighth Grade:  While filling out their self-evaluation forms, which assessed their interests in terms of co- curricular and extracurricular activities, students discussed how each child needs to focus on his/her own strengths in life.

Action As Reaction To Tragedy

As we as a Jewish community heard of the horror that happened in Pittsburgh,  we all felt for the victims, as they were part of our extended Jewish family.  As we approach the anniversary of Kristallnacht, we contemplate the anti-Semitism that still exists in our world.  When we face tragedy, what is the message that such a tragedy can provide for our children? 

I recently finished reading Dr. Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search For Meaning. Frankl, in addition to being a psychiatrist, was a Holocaust survivor.  In his book, he writes of his days in Auschwitz and why certain camp inmates were able to “survive” - physically and emotionally. His overall theory was that finding meaning, even in suffering, is the reason they continued living.  

Frankl was the founder “logotherapy” - stressing three main principles 1. Freedom of will. 2. Will to meaning. 3. Meaning of Life. The primary motivation for living is our will to find meaning in life, and only we have the ability to find that meaning, even when it is difficult.  “A man who let himself decline because he could not see any future goal found himself occupied with retrospective thoughts.” The ability to choose one’s attitude about in any given set of circumstances, says Frankl, can never be taken away.  “We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread...they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the  last of the human freedoms- to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances…When we are no longer able to change a situation- just think of an incurable disease such on inoperable cancer- we are challenged to change ourselves.”  To continue finding meaning in life, one must have a goal and realize that life is still expecting something from him.  “A man who knows ‘why’ for his existence, will be able to bear almost any ‘how’.” It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us.”

As I read Frankl’s book, I continually said to myself, “This is so familiar! This is Torah’s view!” It is no coincidence, said Rabbi Reuven Bulka in his Jewish Action  article right after Frankl’s death that “he would often tell Frankl that his book was very popular in the Yeshiva world.”  (And, also no coincidence that so many of the early psychoanalysts were Jewish, and that many of the most recent forms of successful treatment were created by Jewish psychologists).  Bechira chofshit- free choice and the ability of man to overcome his Yetzer Hara is the mainstay of this theory.  Frankl says, “Certainly man has instincts, but these instincts do not have him….In other words, there must have been freedom of decision. We are concerned above all with man’s freedom to accept or reject his instincts.” He similarly asserts the power of man over his environment, and one’s attitude towards the environment.  And, a life in which man simply pursues pleasure has no meaning. As it says in Avot 3:15

הַכֹּל צָפוּי, וְהָרְשׁוּת נְתוּנָה, וּבְטוֹב הָעוֹלָם נִדּוֹן. וְהַכֹּל לְפִי רֹב הַמַּעֲשֶׂה:
Everything is foreseen, and freewill is given, and with goodness the world is judged. And all is in accordance to the majority of the deed.

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  One way that Frankl says that we can discover meaning in life is through “doing a deed.” Rabbi Jonathan Sacks in his article “The Pursuit of Meaning” writes, “Frankl used to say that the way to find meaning was not to ask what we want from life. Instead we should ask what life wants from us. We are each, he said, unique: in our gifts, our abilities, our skills and talents, and in the circumstances of our life. For each of us, then, there is a task only we can do. This does not mean that we are better than others. But if we believe we are here for a reason, then there is a tikkun, a mending, only we can perform, a fragment of light only we can redeem, an act of kindness or courage or generosity or hospitality, even a word of encouragement or a smile, only we can perform, because we are here, in this place, at this time, facing this person at this moment in their lives.

‘Life is a task’, he used to say, and added,’The religious man differs from the apparently irreligious man only by experiencing his existence not simply as a task, but as a mission.” He or she is aware of being summoned, called, by a Source. “For thousands of years that source has been called God.”

Rabbi Bulka highlights that according to Frankl life is not judged quantitatively, but qualitatively. As Frankl said, “It is not from the length of its span that we can ever draw conclusions as to a life’s meaningfulness...The heroic life of one who has died young certainly has more content and meaning than the existence of some long-lived dullard. Sometimes the ‘unfinished’ are among the most beautiful symphonies.”

When one considers the “unfinished lives” of those who perished in Pittsburgh one must remember the importance of the meaningful deed.  “And all is in accordance to the majority of the deed.”. We know that generally speaking after a tragedy hits empowering children and adults to act and do something meaningful helps them feel more in control.  This video which has been going around stresses that the reaction to tragedy needs to be action https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_IWNcSIerg. And, as Rabbi Knapp addressed the middle school the Monday following the attack, he spurred them on, through sharing a story that had happened to him that weekend, to actions of kindness.  

We cannot always control that which happens around us or to us, but we can control our reactions and our actions after the fact.  May the memories of those who perished in Pittsburgh spur us on to positive action and be for a blessing. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students focused on the importance of time management and had an opportunity to discuss how their transition to middle school was going.

Seventh Grade:  At Frost Valley our students were able to implement the teamwork and communication skills we learned in Advisory.

Eighth Grade: Students learned interviewing skills and were able to see firsthand some dos and don’t of interviewing through live demonstrations.  

Champion Of The Old-Fashioned Planner

Thirteen years ago, when I came to Yavneh, Advisory class was born.  We immediately identified time management as a unit that the students needed to ensure their success in school and in life.   I met with a woman from a company called Golden Guide and we designed a planner for the Yavneh student. We were proud of the product.  It contained room for every subject our students have and facilitated short-term and long-term planning.  Our middle school students soon grew to expect each year in August that they would receive their Yavneh planner the first day of school.

As the years progressed, parent locker came into our lives.   All the homework was posted. Students said “Why do we need to write down our homework? I just need to look on parent locker.” And, so, we explained, that they need to write down their homework anyway so that when they pack up at the end of the day, they know what they need to bring home.  Second, our goal was to train them for life.  When they have a job one day, their boss is not going to e-mail them a list of projects they need to work on.  They need to learn how to write down what they have to do themselves.  We, therefore, kept the planner lessons in Advisory. We stressed that parent locker was just that- for parents.  

Then came the iPads. Each child was given an iPad.  The old-fashioned planner was obsolete. And, yet, the two arguments above still rang true. We then taught the students how to use an app called MyHomework, which was sort of an on-line planner.  But, before we knew it, MyHomework was obsolete as well. Google classroom became the rage, and our teachers soon were all using it in class. Last year we began training the students on how to effectively use their google calendar to plan, prioritize and keep track of their work and after-school activities. We are in the process of doing the same with our sixth graders this year in Advisory.

Even I, a creature of habit, (or a prehistoric being), gave up my paper and pencil planner and moved towards google calendar.  With all the invites, and repeating events, it had its draw.   But, this year, I went to the store, and once again bought my paper and pencil planner to supplement my on-line calendar.  Why? And, are there any benefits for our children to still have an old-fashioned planner?

Michael Grothhaus, in his article, “What Happens When I Ditched My Smartphone For A Paper Planner” shared that a planner forces a person to slow down and write more mindfully, and plan with more intent.  

One thing that people maintain as the benefit of using an app instead of a planner are the notifications.  Interestingly enough, people often say that after using a paper planner for some time, notifications may not be necessary.  It is as if your memory begins to improve. When getting notifications, your memory need not work that hard and “goes to sleep.” There are those who even say that they can visualize where they wrote certain items in their planner- as we know that the physical act of writing does imprint more deeply than the act of adding something to your google calendar. The actual act of writing stimulates areas of the brain which is involved in clarifying information more. We know that there is a plethora of research which indicates that note-taking with pen and paper commits what one writes more to memory and allows for more processing of the information. (Of course, there are pluses of note-taking on a device as well).  

Then there is the distractibility of the technology use. You’re just checking google classroom and before you know it, you are buying those new boots you were thinking about or watching that youtube video your friend shared with you.  The planner has no such distractions. In general, we have so much screen time nowadays that it is never a bad idea to cut down on screen time. 

Even if students do not buy the old-fashioned notion of a planner, a calendar in a child’s iPad cannot take the place of a hard copy calendar hanging on a child’s wall (or a to-do list), which is staring in his/her face as he/she does homework. We do teach our students in Advisory how to prioritize using google calendar, but there is nothing like physically making a list in order of importance,  and crossing off items as they are completed.

One more item for us Shomrei Shabbat.  I have started printing out evites for Shabbat affairs and hanging them on my bulletin board, as who can remember what is on that google calendar?  

One last shout out to our sixth-grade parents.  I really do believe that whether in a planner, or in their notebooks, it is a good idea for students to write down their homework as the teachers assign it in the moment.  Aside from the arguments above, it helps our students feel more in control and on top of their work, rather than waiting for the parent locker e-mail to arrive.  Especially our children who are organizationally challenged, I believe this is a good step towards learning how to organize themselves, and not simply waiting for their parents to organize them.  Every year there are a few students, (who must have “old souls”), who ask me “Are we getting planners this year?” Rather than view them as “old souls” I view them as kindred spirits who are on the path to taking charge of their time management. 

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Tuesday’s groups discussed a plan for success in middle school. Thursday’s groups completed their Time Management Unit.

Seventh Grade:  Students finished a unit on communication skills, focusing on I statements and how to avoid behaviors that impede good communication.

Eighth Grade:  Students focused on the application to high school and what to look for, and how to act on a Student Visit Day to a high school.

I Think I Can...I Think I Can...I Can!

Why are there times that as parents we cannot get our children to follow our advice and perhaps change their way of doing things? No matter how many times we show them how to clean their room or make those flashcards, they hardly ever say, “You’re right, Mom,”  and follow suit.  This is not a new phenomenon, but an age-old biblical dilemma. 

 Did you ever wonder why after 120 years of building an ark in public no one followed Noach and his family to repent and save themselves?  Not even one said, “You’re right, Noach,” and followed suit?  Rabbi Yaakov Neuberger quoted one of his congregants who presented a possible explanation. As Noach was preaching and trying to get the people of his time to repent, he was still building that ark. He did not truly believe in the people  and in their ability to repent.  All the while he was encouraging them to change and be better,  by still building that ark he was expressing that he thought the coming of the flood was inevitable.  They knew that Noach did not believe in them.  And, they, consequently, did not believe in themselves, and were unable to change.

In essence, belief in oneself to achieve a goal,  termed self- efficacy, is imperative for success in any field.  When a child does not believe in himself there is a sort of self- fulfilling prophecy where his  beliefs about what he  can accomplish can actually influence his behaviors in a way that make those beliefs come true.  As we discuss in our 7th grade Advisory unit on coping with adversity,  Henry Ford said, “Whether you think you can or you think you can’t...you're right.”    If a child does not believe he can do it, chances are he will not be able to, and vice versa.

As the adults in our children’s lives we have a tremendous impact on that self- fulfilling prophecy.  If we believe they can do it, it helps them believe it too.  There is psychological phenomenon that has been studied called the golem effect where when people have lower expectations placed upon them they perform at a lower level. These effects can be seen in the classroom setting where teachers often have expectations that some children will achieve while others will not. In one study, where tutors were told that a child was either bright or not, those who believed the child was bright, “smiled more, had more direct eye gaze, leaned forward more, and nodded their heads up and down more…” The flip side of the golem effect is the Pygmalian effect, where higher expectations lead to an increase in performance. Both of these effects are forms of self- fulfilling prophecy.

 Cathy Domoney speaks about the language she uses with her own children when it comes to believing in them so that they believe in themselves.

 When my daughter was having trouble with mathematics, she believed she couldn’t do it. Her lack of confidence was blocking her from understanding, she shut down before she even began. I explained that in her head there were little doors and when she said “can’t,” the little doors shut and stopped her from learning. When she said, “I can and the answer is coming,” the doors would open. When she would speak negatively I would say, “Is that opening or closing those doors?” She would pause and consider it, roll her eyes at me and would become more mindful of her thoughts.

This was not a quick-fix. As you know yourself, when a negative thought takes hold it can be persistent, but it can be changed. We kept telling her how much better she was getting at math, regardless of the results. We told her how proud we were of her because she kept going. In time, her confidence increased, her belief in herself grew strong and she now approaches maths with a certainty that if she perseveres, she will get there. By us telling her how much she was improving, and saying that the teacher was saying the same things (which was not completely accurate), she began to believe that she could do it. I would also verbally remember how much I used to struggle in maths as a kid and I would announce how relieved I was that she took after her father with math! I planted a seed of belief that she inherited her Dad’s excellent math gene. I arranged math practice for her at home which was several levels lower than her ability (though she was unaware of this) in order to build-up her confidence. Even now, years later, I overhear her telling people that she takes after her Dad’s excellence in math. I just smile.

Domoney’s child believed that others believed in her. In turn, that self- fulfilling prophecy changed. It was now saying,  “I think I can do this…” and, so she did.  She believed in herself and the positive prophecy came true. That is the power of self -fulfilling prophecy and self- efficacy.

But, there are times that are children are actually not so good at something.  How can I express to them that I believe they can do it when I am not sure they can?  It simply speaks to changing the language we use when we critique them when they do seem to be struggling with a skill. As Adina Socolof says in her article, “The Self Fulfilling Prophecy of Labelling Your Kids”  that when we tell our children, “You are…(lazy, impatient, not good at math” they never seem to be able to shirk the label we have placed upon them. If my parents think that of me I must be. I might as well become that and not even try. “Oh no! You lost your keys! You will figure out how to be responsible for your keys. You will find a safe place to put them so that this does not happen again.”

This flips the negative statement into a more positive one. A child can then infer, “Oh, being responsible means finding a safe place for my keys. My mother thinks I can do this.”

Rebbetzin Chana Heller brings a poignant  example:

Parents are like a mirror, reflecting back their children's self-image. What your children see is what you'll get.

What do you really think about your child?

Usually, what we think about our children will be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

A klutz will be a klutz. A troublemaker will make trouble. I remember a woman telling me how she was having difficulties in math when she was in elementary school. Her mother said to her, "No one in our family is good in math. I wasn't good at math, your father wasn't good at math, your sister isn't good in math. No wonder you're having a hard time. I'm sure you'll be good at something else." How much of a chance did she stand to do well in math?

Rather, say something like,  “I know this math doesn’t come easy, but you are such a hard worker and so great at taking notes that you can do it.”

Our children sense everything we think about them. We reflect back to them who we think they are, and they take it in as the absolute truth. They will only say “I think I can. I think I can,” if we think they can.

It is primary to let our children know how much we enjoy them and how much pleasure they give us.  That is what we should generally be projecting when we are with them.

If only Noach had said to them, “You can do it. I know you can.  It will be hard, but you have it in you,” perhaps they would have changed.  Instead, when the people looked at Noach they saw a reflection of themselves as those who never listen and are too far gone to repent.  If only Noach had believed in them, they would have believed in themselves.

As Rabbi Neuburger ended, each morning when we awake and say Modeh Ani, we end with the words, “Rabba emunatecha” - great is Your faith.  Great is G-d’s faith? We are the ones who should have the faith. But, no. Each day we are able to wake and face the day with hope and optimism because we know G-d has faith in us- His children.  So, too we, as parents, need to have faith in our children and help them see that we believe in them, so they can face the day with optimism and belief in themselves.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Our Tuesday class had their first session this week, and had the opportunity to meet their Advisors and learn what Advisory is all about.  Our Thursday class began a unit on Time Management and discussed how essential time management is to success in school.

Seventh Grade: Students discussed the importance of communication and began learning some essential communication skills.

Eighth Grade: Students learned about the CAT and the BJE exams and discussed some test taking strategies.

  

The Impact Of Teenage Indiscretions

After hearing that  Brett Kavanaugh was sworn into the Supreme Court this Saturday, I contemplated what we as parents can learn from these weeks of media frenzy. As someone who works with teens,  whether Kavanaugh did or did not do what Christine Blasey Ford said he did,  I immediately thought about how Kavanaugh was a teenager, just like our children, 35 years ago. What he may have done as a teenager was following him today.  

As I have gotten to know the “tweens” and “teens” intimately over the years,  I often consider how much they have to grow, mature, change and become who they are meant to be.  When I bump into graduates, who now have families of their own, I am often proud to see how the little boy who couldn’t stop talking in class is a beloved teacher in a local school.  Or when I receive a hug from the young girl who was the center of numerous friendship “dramas,” and is now a well- respected member of her community, especially known for her warmth with others- I glow with pride.   After being in this business for 22 years, when I look into the eyes of a child struggling behaviorally, academically, socially, or emotionally, I can imagine the great heights to which he can soar.  I wonder, 35 years from now, are our still developing teens to be held accountable for what they did or who they were when they were teenagers?  We often speak of the under-developed frontal lobe of the brain of the teenager, and that they often do not have full control of their impulses.  

As we just left the season of Teshuva, we know that we believe in the person’s ability to change.  In fact, The Gemara in Bava Metzia 58b warns us of not reminding a truly repentant person of his past, אם היה בעל תשובה לא יאמר לו זכור מעשיך הראשונים

“If one is a penitent, another may not say to him: Remember your earlier deeds.”  And, the Rambam says in Hilchot Teshuva 2:4, one path to Teshuva is ומשנה שמו כלומר אני אחר ואיני אותו האיש   to change his name, as if to say "I am a different person and not the same one who sinned."   It is as if the Baal Teshuva, who regrets and changes, is actually a different person. Why should we penalize someone for his past- especially when he was a teen?

On the other hand, I also consider that what teens do to others can impact those peers forever.  I have seen that impact first hand time and time again. Socially isolating another child in the teenage years can have a life-long impact on that child, his self-esteem, his future relationships, and his future success in life. Conversely, a kind, supportive friendship in the teenage years, can truly be life-changing,  and can contribute to the confidence of the future adult.  While I spend time writing lesson plans to facilitate teens gaining life skills in the middle school years, I do believe that  life habits, behaviors, and even character traits developed during the teenage years can be lifelong.  What they do as teens does impact others, and impacts on their own personality development for a lifetime.

 We do constantly remind our students that it is no excuse to say “I’m only a kid.” Especially in today’s world of social media, our teens need to understand that what they do makes  an impact and lasts forever.   A youthful mistake can follow you.  What you say and do now can live on many years later.  An inappropriate facebook post or a mean “prank” in sleepaway camp, can impact high school and college admissions, and even a future job acceptance.  And, even a suspicion of doing the wrong thing- even if it did not happen, can impact on one’s future. This speaks volumes about the importance of hanging out with the “right crowd, ” and not finding oneself at the “wrong parties” or in at-risk situations. Simply being with those who are doing the wrong thing can impact on one’s reputation.  All it takes is one allegation.

As parents, the Kavanaugh hearing is a teachable moment for us to remind our children that youthful indiscretions will come back to haunt you. Wrong is wrong, no matter what age you are.  And, a stupid choice in the past cannot be undone. We also need to remind them not to put themselves in at-risk positions where there is potential for them to be accused.

These hearings provided another teachable moment to parents. Dr. Tani Foger, in her article “An Embarrassing And Cringeworthy But Teachable Moment,” shares that this event was a “golden opportunity” for parents as it presented us with an opening to talk to our students about teenage drinking, resisting peer pressure and appropriate boy- girl interactions.   These are all topics we speak about in black and white in our 7th and 8th grade Advisory and Adolescent Life Classes. Here are some areas Dr. Foger mentions to highlight with our teens, while using the Kavanaugh hearings as a springboard for discussion

Talk about the perils of seemingly harmless behavior that can get out of control.

Discuss the dangers of binge drinking

No always means no! No NEVER means “maybe” or “yes.”

Don’t get caught up the mob mentality. Just because a group of kids are acting a certain way, don’t join if you think that you will be ashamed or will regret your   behavior the next day.

Be aware of the private jokes and comments that you share in a yearbook or on Facebook, Instagram or other social media are a permanent record, and can come back to haunt you many years from now.  

Teens should be reminded not to go off with anyone who appears to be drinking or drunk.  

Girls need to be  better prepared for what they may encounter, even as early as middle school.

In essence, we are all accountable for our actions, (as you recall that book “on high” we had discussed in a previous column), while at the same time, we do believe in the ability to change.  Let us take the opportunity to discuss these issues with our children.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade;  Students discussed plans for how they may succeed in sixth grade and identified their own learning styles and how to apply them.

Seventh Grade:  Students began their unit to prepare for their Frost Valley Leadership Retreat on working in a team and communication skills.  

Eighth grade:  Goal setting for the year, utilizing S.M.A.R.T. goals and the grit needed to succeed were highlighted.