Are Tough Teachers Better?

 Who were your most effective teachers? Were they the nurturing teachers or the demanding ones?

This is the topic of Joanne Lipman's article in the Wall Street Journal on September 27, 2013. She called her article, “Why Tough Teachers Get Good Results,” based on her book that she wrote called Strings Attached: One Tough Teacher and the Gift of Great Expectations. Lipman shares the techniques of a music teacher Jerry Kupchynsky as a model of what is missing in education today. She writes, “It's time to revive old-fashioned education. Not just traditional but old-fashioned in the sense that so many of us knew as kids, with strict discipline and unyielding demands. Because here's the thing: It works.”

Ms. Lipman shares how Kupchynsky was unsympathetic, unyielding and “made us rehearse until our fingers almost bled.” What about this uncaring teacher made Ms. Lipman see his instructional methods as ideal? How can she advocate for his techniques when research does indicate that supportive teacher-student relationships improve motivation, learning and achievement? The research furthermore highlights that caring teachers create classroom environments where students are encouraged to take risks and learning is emphasized over performing. Students who feel cared for persist in the face of failure. Mr. Kupchynsky's classroom was clearly not so.

Lipman feels that although she may not agree with the abuse students experienced, she feels that eight principles come from the “tough teacher.” 1. “A little pain is good for you.” - True growth is fostered by constructive and often painful feedback. 2. “Drill, baby, drill” - There is an element of rote learning that is essential for success, (i.e. memorizing one's times tables). 3. “Failure is an option”- when children understand that failure is part of learning, they perform better. 4. “Strict is better than nice”- The number one finding of a team of researchers investigating what makes a teacher successful was that “they were strict.” 5. “Creativity can be learned”- there is no such thing as a born genius, and through hard work one can learn the art of being creative. 6. “Grit trumps talent”- passion and perseverance for long-term goals is the best predictor of success. 7. “Praise makes you weak.” 8. “Stress makes you strong” - the appropriate amount of stress in childhood helps develop resiliency.

Each one of Lipman's points can lead to an entire article on its own. I do wonder, though, whether Mr. Kupchynsky's teaching style truly reflected these beliefs. Do we agree that tough teachers get better results than caring teachers? How about parents? Are tough parents better parents and raise better children than caring parents? Deep down, do some of us feel that “kids nowadays” are spoiled and overpampered and could use some old-fashioned, unyielding teaching?

These differing views on pedagogy remind me of the differences we had always learned between Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai- who often come to mind as we get closer to Chanukah time and lighting candles. Today, when there is a machloket, we generally say the halacha is according to Beit Hillel. The Arizal maintained that in the time of Moshiach, we will “paskin” like Beit Shammai. Why? The Mikdash Melech explains that Beit Hillel represents kindness, (as his halachic rulings are usually more lenient), and Beit Shammai severity. Today, before the arrival of Moshiach, we are not capable of withstanding the severity of Beit Shammai.

I maintain that a caring teacher with high expectations can combine the best of both worlds. In her research, Judith Kleinfeld coined the term “warm demanders.” “Warm demanders exert influence on their students' learning through their relationships. They are not willing to let a child turn in lesser quality work or fail; instead, with compassion, they express their belief that their students can do better and are willing to work with students to improve their work.” They utilize the teaching style called “active demandingness.” This style is the balance of establishing a relationship with the students, while at the same time, holding students accountable. This is the “golden mean” of all middot- neither the extreme of being too demanding nor the extreme of being a “pushover” makes an effective teacher. As it says in Sanhedrin 107b, there should be a combination of compassion and justice, “pushing away with the left hand while bringing closer with the right hand.”

As parents, we are the ultimate teachers of our children and can utilize the “warm demander” model. It is not an easy balance, but hopefully gets “good results.”

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Advisory Updates:

Sixth Grade- Sixth graders worked on organizational skills as they organized their lockers and backpacks utilizing the P.A.C.K. method.  

Seventh Graders- Seventh graders culminated their unit on preparing for teamwork at Frost Valley as they learned the importance of Active Communication skills.

Eighth Graders-  Eighth graders discussed,  through some self-analysis,  that which makes them unique and the skills that they "bring to the table" as part of assessing who they will become as they embark on the next four years of high school. 

You Are A Wonder

 There is a book making its way into the hands of middle schoolers all across the country called Wonder by R.J.Palacio. I first heard of the book last year at a teen conference on Tolerance, but I thank Rabbi Knapp for handing me the book to read. (It is a wonderful book to read with your middle schooler). The book tells the story of Auggie, a boy with facial deformities. It speaks of his first year in school after being home schooled and his journey to acceptance. The book challenges the reader to consider whether we are truly accepting of those who are different, and how difficult it is to stand up to peer pressure and do what is right. Wonder ends with Auggie receiving an award at the end of the year for strength of courage and character. He receives a standing ovation as he accepts the award. The book is called “Wonder” as in the last sentences of the book Auggie's mother says to him, “'Thank you, Auggie,' she answered softly. 'For what?' 'For everything you've given us,' she said. 'For coming into our lives for being you.' She bent down and whispered in my ear. 'You really are a wonder, Auggie. You are a wonder.'” In the appendix of the book, Auggie states, “Everyone in the world should get a standing ovation at least once in their life ...”

The uniqueness of each person is celebrated in Wonder. Augggie's parents had a difficult job convincing a child who felt like an outcast that he was a “wonder.” In reality, as growing teens, all of our children have times in their lives when they feel down about themselves. Whether it is not making the team, or comparing his/her low grade on a test to others, he/she can feel anything but wonderful. As parents, we have the challenge to convince each of our children that they are special in their own ways. We do this by helping our children identify their true talents and encouraging them to develop those talents. “You are not just one of the crowd. You stand out. You are unique.” We provide them with standing ovations as often as we can. BUT... there is a downside...

This concept came to my mind this week as the world mourned the passing of HaRav Ovadiah Yosef, ztl. At Yavneh we attempted to help the children feel the gravity of this loss. I heard someone mention an incredible opportunity that came about at Chacham Ovadiah's funeral, attended by approximately 800,000 people. The Gemara in Berachot 58b mentions that upon seeing 600,000 Jews one says the beracha, “Baruch Ata...Chacham HaRazim” - Blessed are You G-d...who knows all secrets.” The Gemara continues to explain the meaning of this beracha. “For their thoughts are not similar to one another, nor are their appearances similar.” Only G-d has the ability to create and see the individuality in each person- even when in a large crowd. We thereby thank Hashem for creating us with that which makes each of us special- for the wonder he created in each one of us.

As teachers, this is one challenge we face each day- to see each one of our students as an individual. This is particularly challenging when it comes to the more quiet students, as they can easily blend into the background if we do not make the effort to get to know their uniqueness and their wonder. And, of course, through differentiating our instruction we support the individual learning styles and personalities of every child.

This beracha also demonstrates the downside to which I referred above. While we stress the unique aspects of all children, there is something incredible about being part of that large group of people. We say a beracha on seeing that wonder as well. (Interestingly enough, research indicates that being part of a community greater than oneself contributes to positive self-image as well). Going overboard in providing our children with a healthy dose of self-esteem can often lead to a dangerous self-centeredness. There is value in reminding our children that they are “one of the crowd” and part of the community. There is great good to be achieved when we reach out to work together, help each other and ignore our differences. Rabbi Zalman Lent, rabbi in Dublin, Ireland shares, “But there is also something powerful in belonging to a mass of humanity – a group, a nation, a people. So on the one hand we cherish the differences of the individual – we even praise G-d for that, but on the other hand we can see the great good that can be achieved when we work together as a group, masking over our differences. We need to be counted as individuals, serving G-d on our own individual levels and in ways that are meaningful to us; but equally we need to recognize that we are part of a whole — small cogs linked together in an incredible human network – the largest social network in history.”

Likewise, with our children we at times need to remind them that, “You are special, but don't let that go to your head.” We look out for each other. We help others and do not simply help ourselves. At times, we need to challenge them to stop and think not of how special they are, but rather how they can reach out to others.

Another downside can be that our children begin to believe that they must be special. It is not okay to just be “average” or “normal.” The tremendous pressure they put on themselves to maintain uniqueness can lead to competition and feelings of inadequacy- exactly the opposite of what we as parents had intended when we reinforced how special they were.

The beracha “Chacham HaRazim” reminds of the importance balance of seeing the wonder of the individual while reinforcing the wonder of the klal. The wonder that Auggie was could not be accomplished without his individual strength of character and the community that supported him.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade- Our sixth graders learned some of the skills necessary for effective discussions in Advisory.

Seventh Grade- In preparation for teamwork at Frost Valley, students learned the skills of Assertive Communication and how to disagree utilizing “I statements” instead of accusatory “You statements.”

Eighth Grade- Our eighth graders continued with practical guidance in the application process and began learning interviewing skills.

Parenting for a New Generation

 As a child, the parshiot found in Sefer Bereishit were the highlight of the year. What could be better than floods, rainbows, tents with four doors, angels going visiting or going up and down ladders? But, as we relearn Sefer Bereishit as teens we realize, “ Hey, there are some other stories that our teachers conveniently left out when we learned these parshiot for the first time.” One such story is found in this week's parasha, Parashat Noach. After the flood, in Bereishit 9:20-21 it states, "Noach debased himself and planted a vineyard. He drank of the wine and became drunk." Aside from the apparent incest that follows, it is clear why our Morot skipped this story. How could Noach the Tzaddik stoop to such a level?

Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, a psychologist known for his work in the area of addiction, says that this story comes to teach us something about parenting. “The commentaries say that Noach knew how much he could drink safely without the wine affecting him, but that was before the flood. What Noach did not consider is that the world had undergone a radical change, and it was not the same world he had known. In a new world, old rules may not apply. What was tolerable in the old world may not be tolerable in the new world.”

Dr. Twerski continues that the world has radically changed from the time we were children. The world has become more “polluted” and therefore the old rules are not adequate. The freedoms that our parents gave us to come and go unsupervised cannot be granted to today's teens. “Parenting by instinct is not acceptable,” he adds. In today's world, parenting is like “trying to go up a down escalator.” The lesson of Noach is that when the world has changed, we cannot afford to continue "business as usual."

Behaviors, interactions and even clothing that were considered inappropriate and vulgar 30 years ago are now celebrated and sensationalized. Realities and life experiences to which we weren't exposed until we were in our college years, our “tweens” can have easy access to today. And, as today's parents, we have less control over boundaries that are set for our children. The world has changed and we need to adapt our parenting accordingly. First, we need to educate ourselves about the challenges that our children are facing, as we may not even be aware of all the dangers they confront.

As parents, we additionally need to work harder at parenting, by attending parenting lectures/shiurim, (coming to Yavneh parenting programs!), reading parenting books, and consciously planning our parenting strategies. Most parenting is done by modeling. We must work diligently on refinement of our own personalities in order to resist the noxious effects of today's “hedonistic world.” We need to be more obvious and frank about our values with our children. Ethics and morals we may have absorbed as children by osmosis, our children of today need to be directly taught. (On the school-end, this is just what programs such as our Advisory program at Yavneh are all about).

(In addition, on a most basic level, this story of Noach and his drunkenness reminds us as parents of emerging teens of the dangers of substance use, (including alcohol!), and the models we are to our children by how we utilize alcohol in our lives.)

One might feel dejected about the current demands of parenting that have been placed upon us. Dr. Twerski reminds us that, “ we are assured that 'ha'bo litaheir misayein oto - one who tries to purify himself will receive [Divine] help.' Hashem helps us overcome all challenges, and thus no challenge is insurmountable.”

Advisory Update:

6^th Grade- Our sixth graders started Advisory this past week. Advisors and students have been learning about each other and developing a relationship.

7^th Grade- Our seventh graders have begun their preparation for their Frost Valley Leadership Conference. This week, they discussed qualities that are essential for teamwork and leadership and how one attains those character traits.

8^th Grade- Our 8^th graders began their unit on Applying to High School. This past week, they discussed how one chooses a high school? What qualities are they looking for? What determines their decision? What kind of person do they each want to become in the next four years? How do parents and children share this decision? They also began to look at the actual applications and what is needed to practically fill them out. 

Saying "I'm Sorry" and Taking Responsibility

 “This is my confession... I will take responsibility for what I have done.” What are the chances of hearing those words on a video featured in media this week during Aseret Yimei Teshuva? These are not the words of a rabbi urging his congregation to Teshuva. This was a headline newsstory. The moment I saw it I thought, “This is a perfect topic for Advisory and for Aseret Yimei Teshuva.” What could be better than combining a Torah lesson with a social/emotional skill? In this week's 8^th grade Advisory we were able to do so.

The lesson began by showing the students a segment of that video clip that has had been viewed on Youtube 1.9 million times in the past week. The clip can be found in many places, but originally appeared on the website “because I said I would.” You can view the video at http://becauseisaidiwould.com/saveyourvictim/ . The video features Matthew Cordle who killed Vincent Canzani in a hit and run while drunk driving in June. Since then, he had not come forward until posting this video of himself on the website confessing to killing Canzani. The website becauseisaidiwould.com was started by Alex Sheen in memory of his father. It is focused on having people “make commitments for themselves and their goals using index cards” called “promise cards” that say on them “because I said I would.” In his video, Matthew Cordle was holding up a promise card that said on it “I will take responsibility for what I've done.” Cordle was arraigned two days ago.

Some of the questions we wanted the students to consider were: Why do you think Cordle confessed? Was it because he knew he would be caught? Was it self-interest as he thought that juries may feel bad for him and then give him a lighter sentence? Why did he wait so long to come forward? Was it difficult for him to live with the guilt? Do you think his confession was sincere? Why did he confess on a website and not just call the family directly and turn himself in? If you confess only because you are afraid of punishment does it count? Cordle's blood-alcohol content was 0.19 percent following the crash, more than double the level of intoxication for Ohio. Cordle says he made a mistake. This mistake took another man’s life. Can he ever undo what he has done? Does a confession do that? Does confessing that he did wrong erase all that he did? Mr. Canzani's ex-wife calls Cordle “an honest man”- do you think he is an honest man? One article about him uses the word “hero.” Is he?

I wanted the students to consider how difficult it is to admit one has done wrong and all the reasons why one would do so- some selfish reasons as well. We also asked them to contemplate what it takes to be brave enough to do so. In their own lives, when they do admit they have done wrong, does the transgression disappear?

We were then able to bring this discussion around to how it applied to them as Jews. Do you think that Jews believe that if you admit something, and regret, and promise not to do it again you are cleared from it? They were asked to think about what a gift Teshuva is that it allows us to start with a clean slate. However, the Teshuva must be sincere. What if Teshuva is not sincere- i.e. you are only doing it because you are afraid of punishment- does it work? The Rambam Hilchot Teshuva 4: 1 specifically notes, “There are 24 deeds that hold back Teshuva...One who says, 'I will sin and then, repent.' Included in this category is one who says, 'I will sin and Yom Kippur will atone [for me].'” So, if one sins counting on the fact that if he will confess all will forgive, will that repentance work? (Although we did not bring it up in Advisory, thinking about Anthony Weiner and Elliot Spitzer, we can realize that admitting you are sorry does not always allow you to erase that which you have done. This is an interesting conversation to have with our older children).

As parents, we can teach and model what it truly means to admit one is wrong. Teshuva provides the perfect template for that admission. The steps are consistent with what any therapist might learn in a workshop on learning to take responsibility for one's actions. Dr. Michele Borba in her book Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me, highlights the five steps to giving a sincere apology. I am going to focus on the three main steps: According to her they are: “1. Think about what you did wrong 2. Say what you are sorry for. 3. Tell how you are going to make things better.”

It suspiciously sounds as if Dr. Borba got her steps from the steps of Teshuva. First, one must recognize that one has done something wrong- הכרת החטא. That is often the hardest step as we are often in denial regarding our misbehaviors. Most children say, “It was not me!” or “It was his fault!” We need to help them stop the “blame game.” Then one must regret one's deed and disown his/her behavior-עזיבת החטא/ חרטה. The next step is confessing aloud- וודוי. And, then ensuring that one will never do the behavior again- קבלה על העתיד. A great way to react when a child blames another for an event is to respond, “What can we do to make sure this won't happen again?” (Interestingly enough, assuming Cordle was sincere, he actually did go through the above steps of Teshuva).

When we learn about Teshuva with our children we point out that we can apply the lessons of Teshuva to our everyday lives, at any age and with our interactions with peers. These steps are not simply for the Aseret Yimei Teshuva. We know that these steps are difficult for us as adults. By asking our children the right guiding questions we can train our children from a young age to effectively admit they are wrong, take responsibility for their actions, and thereby become better people.

Matthew Cordle promised to take responsibility for his actions. We ended the session with our 8^th graders by presenting the students with their own Promise Cards. We asked them to each pick a goal to change something or to do something differently this year to make themselves better people. By making a “promise” to themselves, we empower our children to take responsibility for their growth and their actions on the path to self-improvement.

Self-control Strategies For Success

You can probably hear that familiar voice in your head. The conversation is a yearly one. “What can I/you do differently so that I/you can have a more successful year?” This might be a conversation you have with your child at the end of the summer before school begins. (Yes. He makes it clear that he has no desire to have this conversation!) Or, it might be a conversation you have with yourself (or your child), as Rosh Hashana and the Yamim Noraim approach. This year, as the beginning of the school year and the Yamim Noraim practically coincide, we are reminded of how both the beginning of school and the beginning of the Jewish year are opportunities to start fresh.

Each year we speak to our students about spending some time thinking about how they can do things differently this year. Much of what they highlight is wishing that they had more self- control. If only I was able to watch less TV or text less or spend less time playing games, and to study more in advance with less procrastinating. Or if I could resist the temptation of my friend in class who distracts me. Or perhaps they wish they could stop some of their bad habits when it comes to studying – if only I could be more organized so I wouldn't lose my papers. If only I could use my planner better. If I had more self-control and could resist temptation, then I could be a more successful student.

This theme fits in perfectly with the theme of Teshuva as we embark upon Rosh Hashana.. If only I could have more self-control and resist temptation, then I could overcome my bad habits and become a better person.

Rabbi Dovid Gottleib, in his article “Strategic Teshuva” stresses that in order to overcome temptation one must ask oneself the following questions “When do I fail like this? What is in the environment? What else has happened that day? Under which specific circumstances do I fail? And, what can I do to change those circumstances?” He calls this technique of changing the circumstances in which we fail “Strategic Teshuva.”

When attempting to change habits or even sinful behaviors we need to identify the triggers for those behaviors. Is the trigger for misbehaving in class sitting next to the chatty classmate? Is the laziness I sometimes feel when it comes to becoming better triggered by surrounding myself with computer games? Is the trigger for my angry outbursts my exhaustion leading to a lack of patience or even the time of day I leave for work which is guaranteed to be a time of traffic?

It is difficult to change behaviors if the triggers still exist, therefore our goal is avoid the triggers. Change the environment (i.e. move your seat in class). Surround yourself with people that are moving towards doing better.

If one cannot change the environment, one should add something to the environment to strengthen oneself, to make it easier for him/her to do the right thing. Set an alarm to go off when you have had enough computer time. Call your friend, (hands-free, of course), who you know will calm you down during traffic. Switch your minyan to a minyan where people tend to have more kavana for tefillah.

“The key is to control the environment by avoiding some things and creatively adding others so that it will be easier to do the right thing.” Rabbi Gottleib adds that some may see this “strategic Teshuva” as a cop-out. It seems as if we are running away from our problems and not overcoming our temptations- just avoiding them. He responds that our first responsibility is for our actions. And, “often we can only overcome the desire if we have a respite from the wrong actions. As long as the bad habits and midot are active it is very difficult to gain control.” By avoiding the temptations our ultimate goal is to be immune to temptations and to exert more self-control. The first step to complete Teshuva is Strategic Teshuva.

When contemplating how to improve ourselves or our children as people, or how to help them become better students, we first need to help them identify their temptations. When meeting with a student, the first question I ask him is, “What do you think is standing in your way?” Until they identify those obstacles change is not possible.

There is one more element we can add to the chances of success in resisting temptation. Dr. Peter Gollwitzer speaks of “implentation intention.” If a person makes specific plans to achieve a goal he has set, those intentions increase the chances of his achieving the goal if he also is able to foresee obstacles to that goal- the temptations. If there is a temptation a person is trying to resist, one should first form an implementation intention by thinking specifically about the temptation and about the situation where he is most likely to encounter that temptation. Then, one must resolve to stick to one's goal even in the face of temptation, and make a specific plan to stick to the goal. The example given is with a group of women who were dieting. Those who were able to foresee the foods that would be tempting to them, imagine where they will encounter such food, and assert in their minds that they will still stick to their diets, were more prone to stick to their diets when encountering the tempting foods.

When working with teens, I often like to use images from sports as examples. (Although, I often need to consult with the student before making the analogy, as I am not known for my sports knowledge!). In sports, when the coach calls the team into the huddle to draw up the play, he is attempting to help them envision what the the other team may do, and what they can do to preempt them. Visualization is a technique often used by athletes where they imagine their competitive scenario and “see” the outcome in the most positive manner possible. It can help improve outcomes. As parents, we coach our children to draw up “X's” and “O's” to plan strategies for victory.   

At this Rosh Hashana, when we make New Year's resolutions to resist temptation to sin, we need to utilize some “Strategic Teshuva” while we envision possible temptations and triggers, and craft an environment for success. Likewise, when we sit with our children to assist them in resisting the temptations in their lives, let us help them set their goals, identify their temptations and triggers that might stand in their way, and then plan practical strategies for avoiding those triggers. Only then can we lead them towards success in school and, more importantly, towards effective Teshuva and growth.

Shana Tova.  

The Pre-summer Talk With Your Teen

            As educators, we spend much of the last day of school reflecting on all that we have accomplished this year, (and then on what we want to do better next year!).  The first piece of this reflection is taking a step back, and simply watching the students as they sit in the end of the year assembly.  I take the time to recall each child's first days of school this year, and how much he/she has grown and changed.  I make mental notes of all their accomplishments, and then try to tell them personally what I have noticed.

  As parents, we try to do this as well. In my family, we have a celebratory dinner where we speak of what we have accomplished.  I make every effort to not focus on the grades- with my own family and with my students- but to rather focus on the work they did on the character traits, the effort, the changes in study habits, the growth in how they treated others and their increased taking of responsibility for themselves.  This is the first “talk” we will have with our children as the year comes to a close.

            The second “talk” we then have with our children, (in between countless trips to Target for camp supplies), is preparing them for camp. I want to stress that this “talk” should happen every year despite your child's having gone to camp many times before.   There are a number of challenges kids face when either at day camp, sleepaway camp or just “hanging around.” This is our chance to help them prepare for those challenges. As a reminder, here are some aspects to highlight.

            The first most essential component is to recall that no matter how organized and supervised camp is, camp is still a largely less supervised and less structured setting. In addition, despite much improved and exemplary efforts of camps to hire and to train their staff, our children are mainly supervised by teenagers who are only a few years older then themselves and may not have fully-developed, adult decision making skills.  We therefore need to remind them of the importance of keeping themselves safe, and telling a trusted adult when they do not feel safe.  “Safe” means physically or emotionally.  If they simply have a sinking feeling that things are not going they way they would like them to, they need to tell someone. Especially for our children who are going to sleepaway camp, this is an important conversation.   We are not around to be their “trusted adult.” Who will their “trusted adult” be?  What if the someone  who is “bothering” them is their counselor or an adult in the camp? Our goal is not to scare them, but in a more low intensity manner and in a matter of fact way share with them to whom they can go.

            This safety talk relates to generally not engaging in risky behaviors.  (Ex. Not going off to the woods when not with their group etc.).  Risky behaviors also include alcohol and other drugs.  I also want to share a link to a game that teens have been playing called The Choking Game.   Please watch the video and add it to your list of risky behaviors to discuss with your children. http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=space+monkey++chocking+game&view=detail&mid=F44DDAAA9AB77562CB8EF44DDAAA9AB77562CB8E&first=0&FORM=NVPFVR&qpvt=space+monkey++chocking+game

 Safety, of course, relates to a frank conversation about abuse.  We have had these talks with the students in school, but it bears repeating.  Abuse can range from verbal, physical to sexual abuse.  Perpetrators can be adults or peers.  Children should realize that they should not tolerate anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. We frankly discuss with the students situations like, someone opening the shower curtain when we are showering as a “joke” or going off with someone (adult or peer) without a group.  We need to highlight that even if someone we care about or whom we like is making us feel uncomfortable we need to tell someone.

            As parents, we need to feel empowered as well.  A friend of mine shared that her daughter in day camp told her that the male bus counselor was sitting close to her and stroking her hair.   Despite the fact that this may have been innocent, camps need to be informed. What is the supervision like when children are changing in after swim in the locker rooms?   We should never feel hesitant to share concerns. 

            We all know the amount of time we spend in schools stressing respect and not bullying other children.   In the same way, children should be reassured that bullying is not tolerated in camp either.  The “prank” that goes just too far is not acceptable just because it’s camp.  Please make it clear to your child that they should never tolerate being bullied or the bullying of others. 

            There are other aspects of camp that can be challenging for some.  The social component can be a challenge as camp is much more social than school.  Issues like kids in the bunk not getting along with each other, making friends when you don’t really know anyone, or branching out and making new friends  are all examples of some situations to be talked about.  Athletics can be a challenge for other students. Some kids are not as athletic as others or do not enjoy sports, and find camp difficult for that reason.   There may be some students going to sleepaway for the first time. Homesickness is an issue.   All of the above make up the “pre-camp talk.”

            Then there is the last “talk” of the summer. This one usually happens a few weeks before school.  We sit down with our children and set goals for the coming year. What would I like do work better on this year that did not quite work out last year?  Are there systems that I want to put into place so that I am better organized? Do I want to work harder at my in-class behavior and monitoring my own attention in class?  Do I want to stop procrastinating and study for things in advance?  It is a sort of  “new year’s resolutions” activity. But, more important than setting the resolutions is planning practical ways to implement realistically achievable goals.  As we teach the students in Advisory, goals should be SMART: 

Savvy-  Easy to understand, not at all vague, specific and in the realm of possibility. 

Measureable-   Be specific about the outcome you expect.  The destination should be clear.

Active -  Goals should tell you about what action you must take to get there.  Verbs should be in sentence.

Reachable-  Although goals stretch you, they should be in your reach.  Ask yourself, “Do I feel I can attain this goal?  Is it realistic for me?  Am I comfortable with this challenge?”  It’s hard to stay motivated if your goals seem unreachable.

Timed- Have a clear deadline set- a specific date.  These dates motivate you. 

            So, you thought that once you had that  “puberty talk”  you were done  or יוצא            for all time?  Sorry. No such luck.   Our job as parents is to keep on talking.  They may pretend they are not listening, but they hear every word we say.

It is hard to believe that this is the last Parenting Pointers blog of the year.  School has ended and we are busily shopping, packing and schlepping duffles.  If I may, I’d like you to take a break to read this column, as it stresses some other preparations for summer that are essential for parents.  This week’s column is about the “talks” we need to have with our children before they leave to camp and before they begin school again at http://parentingpointersfrohlich.blogspot.com .

Thank you to all of you who have been loyal readers all year, and especially to those of you who have e-mailed me comments and responses. 

Best wishes for a wonderful and relaxing summer of  (no homework!!) and enjoying your children.

Dr. Aliza Frohlich

The Sound of Music and Raising Jewish Souls

As you know, during this past month our middle schoolers have had their Adolescent Life workshops which covered topics related to physiological, emotional and social issues related to puberty. Our 8^th graders had their sessions this past week which focused the Jewish view of relationships. The boys had one session with Rabbi Knapp and one Q and A session with Rabbi Shalom Baum. The girls had one session with me and a Q and A with Mrs. Shoshana Samuels and Mrs. Shira Schiowitz. The students had the opportunity to gain a sensitivity to Judaism's view of relationships. They also at the same time gained the understanding that as they grow into adulthood there are special people in communal roles to whom they can turn with their questions. As they get older, they need to find Torah role models they can approach with serious questions. The most important message they received was that Judaism has something to say about every aspect of their lives.

In my session with the girls, I began with an exercise. I asked them to think about a recent television show or movie they watched in which there was a male-female relationship. I asked them to describe the two characters in the relationship and describe the relationship itself. This exercise always creates lots of chatter and inevitably the relationships are described as “purely physical,” “temporary,” “love/hate” etc. We then discuss whether the relationships we see on TV are real. I ask the girls to think about the impact of what we grew up watching on our views of what relationships should be. What messages do they send to us about the role of women and men? Then, we discuss what a Jewish relationship is. We don't deny the importance of the physical, but the physical devoid of the emotional and spiritual is worthless, dangerous and even emotionally damaging.

This year, we spoke about the lyrics in the music to which they listen. They brought up the “inappropriateness” of much of the lyrics- even on the “lite” stations, (although they don't actually listen to the radio). It would have been an interesting exercise for them to go home and go through all the songs on their iPods. What messages are the songs relaying to them about what kind of women they are supposed to be to attract men? I spoke about the songs we listened to growing up in the 80's. What contrast!

The impact of the sexual content found in today's music on teens has been a topic of much research of late. As parents we are often unaware of the music our children are listening to as increasingly they can download it and listen to it with headphones without our involvement. The research indicates that lyrics have become more explicit when it comes to references to drinking/drugs, sex and even violence. A 2009 study looked at the "Billboard Hot 100" most popular year-end songs from 1959, '69, '79, '89, '99 and 2009 using 600 songs. Looking only at the lyrics, the researchers coded each song for references to sexual topics. The topics they coded for are too graphic for this column. The researchers also took note of lyrics suggesting that "a person's value comes only from his or her sexual appeal" or that "a person is held to a standard of beauty equating physical attractiveness with being sexy," among other messages. In 2009, three times as many top songs contained sexual references compared to all the decades before it, the researchers reported in the journal Sexuality and Culture.

Exposure to sexual messages and sexual stereotypes affects behaviors and attitudes of young people. Lyrics that are overly sexualized lead teens to judge their own personal worth on a sexual level only, leading to poor body image, depression and dangerous behaviors. “Popular music teaches young men to be sexually aggressive and treat women as objects while often teaching young women that their value to society is to provide sexual pleasure to others.” As parents, it is essential for us to take a stand regarding what lyrics our children can listen to. Lead author of one study, Steven Martino, said that, "Boys learn they should be relentless in pursuit of females, and girls learn to view themselves as sex objects. The study recommends that parents set limits on what music their children can purchase and listen to and be careful not to listen to sexually degrading music when their children are around.” On the most basic level, studies indicate that as parents we need to discuss the lyrics to which our kids are listening with them. We spend so much time worrying about what they are watching on TV and what they are doing on the internet that we forget to check out their playlists.

In 2004, just 18 percent of kids aged 8 to 18 owned MP3 players. By 2009, the number was up to 76 percent, found a 2010 study by the Kaiser Family Foundation. And, we know those statistics are now outdated, and the advent of iPods and smartphones has increased the numbers. Even though parents often set limits on the amount of time their kids can spend watching TV, playing video games and surfing the Internet, just 10 percent of youth in the study reported having restrictions on the amount of music they listened to.

These studies, as I point out indirectly to the girls in my conversations with them, are not done by religious people. It is not only an Orthodox Jewish halachic issue. But, how much more so does this issue relate to us as Orthodox Jews. What does Judaism tell me about what it means to be a woman? A man? Aside from the sexual messages, most relationships in the music have “commitment issues.” Even the most clean music there is bound to be someone cheating on someone else who “done me wrong.” What does that tell our children about the seriousness of a relationship?

Kids may claim, “I don't really pay attention to the words. I am listening for the beat.” Studies indicate the contrary. Even if they do not understand what every word means they get the general message. The research demonstrates that there the messages they are getting are often subconscious. They give them an understanding and expectation of what is normal and expected from them whether they realize it or not. And, many a time in the various settings in which I have worked I have been with teenagers and I hear the students break into a song that does not reflect Jewish values.

The recording industry will not practice censorship. They have created the Parental Advisory Label (PAL) which is placed on a record based on the decision of the individual recording company and artists on a voluntary basis. But, even that label is subjective and not foolproof.

As Jews, we know of the centrality of music. We know that in the Beit HaMikdash, music was an essential component of Avodat Hashem. And, clearly music affects one's mood and mental state, as we know young Dovid played the harp for King Shaul as he was in a state of “melancholy.” Rabbi Schneur Zalman of Liadi stated, “If words are the pen of the heart, then song is the pen of the soul.” The music we listen to connects to our souls. As parents, we want to safeguard the souls of our children by monitoring the music that enters their neshamot.