Reading Aloud To Your... Teen?

 My daughter came home from school stating emphatically that her teacher read them a book and she must get the next one in the series. The book was All Of A Kind Family by Sidney Taylor. My daughter is in 2^nd grade, and this book is definitely not the typical kind of book she loves about fairies, princesses or characters that love pink. I myself never read the series as a child, but I know my mother did. First published in 1951, the book is about a Jewish family living in the Lower East Side. It is a story that was probably lived by many of our ancestors. Not particularly jazzy or exciting, but something about it caught my daughter's interest. It was clear that her teacher's reading it aloud was all it took to get her hooked.

The books are out of print, so we could not purchase them at Barnes or Noble or on Amazon. We searched the libraries, and finally had one sent to ours. And, oh, the excitement each night before we read. I am just as excited. This book which speaks of simpler times- before technology, and of a simple family who did not have much, was something of which to look forward. And, it was that simple time I spend reading with her- simple, but special.

Soon, my “tween” son came in and asked if he can listen too. He too wants some reading aloud time. It made me think about how valuable time like this would be with our middle school children as well.

Experts do maintain that we should be reading aloud to our teenagers as well. Bedtimes stories are particularly a ritual that we can continue into the teenage years. (Although, I don't know about you, but I most definitely want to go to sleep earlier than my teen is ready to do so himself!) We tend to stop these rituals as soon as children can read independently. There are number of reasons why we shouldn't stop. And, believe it or not, even the most tech savvy, independent teen will appreciate it. Many parents and teens will take turns and alternate reading between parent and child. Here are some ideas of the impact of reading books aloud to each other:

1. Reading out loud is a great advertisement for reading enjoyment. When they see how much we enjoy reading the book aloud, we have the opportunity to expose them to pure love of reading and often of a genre or book they would never consider themselves. I admire the many parents who read the book assigned for school along with their children, but this reading time is to be a book they don't have to read.
   Jim Trelease, in the article, “The Hidden Benefits of Reading Aloud- Even For Older Kids” states, “Yes, because if you stop advertising, you stop selling. Kids have to read for school but that's not an advertisement for reading. Most of the material kids read in school, no one would read for pleasure. And if all your reading is tied to work, you develop a sweat mentality to reading, so by time you graduate you can't wait to stop reading. You become a school-time reader, not a life-time reader. Of course, kids have to do a certain amount of reading that's tied to work, but you don't want kids to forget that there are books out there to make you laugh, make you cry, and move the soul.” (Although, I would like to add, that much effort is made at Yavneh to choose books that are interesting for the students to read. More and more students share with me that they enjoy the books the y “have to” read).
2. The physical closeness between the reader and listener is comforting. Teens don't typically “snuggle” with their parents, and this is a time to at least be sitting next to them in close proximity.
3. “Children listen on a different level than they read.” One can listen to a more complicated plot or a book utilizing more sophisticated language than one might read on one's own. This is an effective way to build vocabulary.
4. Reading aloud is a great way to relay and discuss morals and life lessons. Discussions about feelings and beliefs can all stem from discussing the characters and their dilemmas, without sounding like a lecture.
5. Time spent together without checking your phone or multitasking.
6. Allowing your child to pick the book out with you honors the individuality in each of your children.
7. It is an opportunity to practice empathy and perspective taking. “What do you think he was thinking?” “Why did he do that?”
8. It's a great chance for you to read some books you missed as a child.
9. Reading aloud increases your teen's attention span in this “distractible” world in which we live.

There is value for the child him/herself when he/she reads aloud. For those of us who have entered the walls of a Beit Midrash we know the impact of reading the texts aloud to the other. The Gemara in Eruvin 54a states, “A person is happy in his learning when he says it aloud, in response to someone.” Saying the information aloud ensures that it is absorbed and retained. In fact, Rabbi Shneur Zalman of Liadi highlights that it states “V'dibarta Bam” “And, you shall speak in them,” stressing the importance of reading aloud. Reading aloud also “pierces the heavens” and “brings joy to G-d” according to the Pele Yo'etz, Rabbi Eliezer Papo. The great Talmida Chachama Beruriah was “passing a student who was studying silently without verbalizing what he was learning. She rebuked him and said that his manner of study was incorrect because the verse states, 'Life comes to the one who comes upon them' which is meant to be understood as, 'life comes to the one who articulates its words with one’s mouth.'”

Then, we know the value of hearing someone else read in Judaism- a prime example being the weekly Keriat HaTorah. The Rambam in Hilchot Tefillah 12:1 appears to believe that hearing the Torah fulfills the requirement of learning. (Others may disagree). I can still recall my high school Navi teacher, Mrs. Marcy Stern, who before we ever learned a perek would simply read it dramatically aloud to the students. By the time we began learning the perek, I was already able to anticipate the themes, mood and climax of the perek. This reading aloud of the perek was a practice that I “stole” from Mrs. Stern when I myself taught Navi. To this day, I can still hear her voice reading that perek.

 Hallmark sells recordable books that enable a child to hear a special relative's voice reading to him/her. Wouldn't it be wonderful if our children could hear us each night without needing a recording? That voice will never leave their minds, even after they have left the teenage years and are off on their own.

Innoculating Our Teens Against "Affluenza"

Last week, Ethan Couch, a sixteen year old boy in Texas who killed four people he hit while drunk driving, was only sentenced to ten years probation and not the twenty years in jail recommended by prosecutors. Couch and friends were seen on surveillance video stealing two cases of beer from a store. He had seven passengers in his Ford F-350, was speeding and had a blood-alcohol level three times the legal limit, according to trial testimony. His truck slammed into the four pedestrians, killing Brian Jennings, 43, Breanna Mitchell, 24, Shelby Boyles, 21, and her mother, Hollie Boyles, 52.

Ethan's lawyer claimed that he would benefit more from rehabilitation then from jail time as he suffered from “affluenza”- that his parents were very wealthy and spoiled him so that he never had to suffer the consequences of his actions. His lawyer stated that, his “family felt that wealth bought privilege and there was no rational link between behavior and consequences... Couch's parents never punished him for his behavior, even when, in a separate incident, cops found him passed out in a car with a naked 14-year-old girl.”

As one could well imagine, there has been much debate about this case of “affluenza.” The term "affluenza" is not a true psychological diagnosis. Jessie O'Neill, in her book The Golden Ghetto: The Psychology of Affluence used the term. “It's since been used to describe a condition in which children — generally from richer families — have a sense of entitlement, are irresponsible, make excuses for poor behavior, and sometimes dabble in drugs and alcohol.”

Some have maintained that not only have parents not provided any consequences, but now the court system has done the same. Others have discussed the issue of race. Dr. Suniya Luthar, a psychologist who specializes in the costs of affluence in suburban communities, asked, “"What is the likelihood if this was an African-American, inner-city kid that grew up in a violent neighborhood to a single mother who is addicted to crack and he was caught two or three times ... what is the likelihood that the judge would excuse his behavior and let him off because of how he was raised?"

Luthar shared that in her research at Columbia University, she has shown that “20 percent of upper middle-class adolescents believe their parents would help them get out of a sticky situation at school.” This sentence, she maintains, reinforces this belief.

In our community, our children are mostly middle to upper middle class adolescents as well. How many of our teens are stricken by “affluenza”? We discussed this topic with some of our 8^th graders this past Friday in Advisory. Some questions we discussed with them were:

1. Who is to blame in this case- the parents or the boy?
2. What do consequences have to do with knowing right from wrong? How do you think kids learn right from wrong? How did you learn? (Role models, peer environment, learning Torah...)
3. “Chosech shivto soneh b'no” (mishlei 13:24)- “Spare the rod spoil the child”- what does that mean? Does that apply in this case? Do you think there is a piece of us that should thank our parents for “punishments”/consequences?
4. So, who do you think should have been guilty? What do you think of his punishment?
5. “Affluenza” do you think this term applies to our community?
6. “20 percent of upper middle-class adolescents believe their parents would help them get out of a sticky situation at school...Boyd's sentence reinforces that belief.”- We are the middle- upper class. Do we think this is true?

Dr. Luthar states in her research that “U.S.’s new group of “at risk” children are preteens and teens from affluent, well-educated families, not from low–income homes.” Why? Who are these children. Dr. Madeline Levine, author of the book, The Price of Privilege states that these are children who “look great on the outside, but are empty on the inside.” Anxiety, depression, drug abuse, eating disorders and suicide are three times higher in affluent communities than in low income communities.

The Alliance for Early Childhood, ( Blakely Bundy and Kathy Hardy ), presented what they thought as the there underlying reasons for this at-risk community.

1. Overscheduling and specialization- days are overscheduled, and children are forced to become experts at something at a young age. There is no time to process the learning and less time for unstructured play. Preschool teachers note that more and more children need to be taught how to play. They haven't learned the social skills needed for interacting with others often gained in simple unstructured play.
2. Schools- Parents in schools tend to advocate for their own children more than for all the children. Hara Marano, author of a A Nation of Wimps- The High Cost of Invasive Parenting shares, “The most affluent parents have the means, the power, and the know-how of the system’s workings to in­fluence it on behalf of their children.  ...They are not afraid to  challenge the system and make it serve their interests, actions fed by their sense of entitlement as ‘full payers.’  …They may seek advantage for their own children over general im­provements that would help all children, including their own.”
3. Isolation- parents have to overwork to maintain their standard of living and are connected 24/7via internet to their jobs. Often one parent is never seen by his/her children during the week, and it is as if the children are being raised by a single parent.
4. Cell phones- Marano calls the cell phone the “eternal umbilicus” stating that it has changed the parent-child relationship. “Children report every blip and flicker of experience immediately as it happens, without engaging in reflection or otherwise processing the experience….  The main problem with having your parents in your jeans pocket is that you never have to activate the mental machinery for independence.  As a result, you never learn how to guide yourself thru the making of decisions on your own or come to rely on your own judgment.”
        “Dr. Don Monroe, former superintendent of the Winnetka Public Schools and recent­ly headmaster of Baker Demonstration School, says that, 25 years ago, he might get a phone call from a parent in June, saying, 'You know, Johnny didn’t have a great year with Mrs. X, so let’s think about his placement for next year.'  Now, he’ll get a call from a parent who has talked with or texted her child during the school day.  The parent might say, 'Mrs. X didn’t call on Jacob  in math class today.  She isn’t recognizing his potential, and I’d like you to do something about it right away.'”
5. Creating the “perfect” life- parents want perfection for their children and see happiness as the most important value. If children are given everything they want, and they feel they do not deserve it, that can lead to more anxiety. They may feel guilty for feeling unhappy. Seeking perfection is exhausting.  
6. Overindulgence and materialism- It is often easier to get them what they want even if it is not in their best interest.
7. Overprotection- this is a topic we had discussed in last week's article, highlighted in Wendy Mogul's The Blessing of a Skinned Knee.

After the A.E.C. presents us with all of this issues to confront in our communities- what are their solutions? I believe that many of their suggestions are intuitive. I would like to focus on one. “Fourth, and probably most important of all, is to bring together parents with similar values and ideas about parenting. There are many parents who don’t buy into the fast-paced, competitive values that have taken over many affluent communities...Speaking up, validating feelings and ideas, and bringing those parents together can not only be help­ful and reassuring to individual parents, but, as like-minded parents find each other, they can gain strength and courage and perhaps begin to change  the prevailing climate in their affluent community.  This may be the first step in getting “affluenza” under control.”

Many of us proudly maintain that our values are not the values in items 1-7 that the A.E.C. lists. We need to continue reinforcing our own values with our children. We constantly point out the values in society that are antithetical to our own. When our children come home and say, “But, so and so's mother is doing so and so for him” we respond, “But in our family we don't do that because...” The sentencing of Ethan Couch is one such “teachable moment” to discuss with our children, as we did in Advisory, the pitfalls of our middle class lives and the importance of maintaining ones Torah values and ethics despite the relatively comfortable lives with which G-d has blessed us.

Advisory Update:

1. Sixth Graders spent some time scheduling their evening routines as part of time management.

2. Seventh Graders investigated the stereotype often presented of the homeless, and how that stereotype is not always true.

3. Eighth Graders discussed the value of consequences and whether teens are responsible for their own actions through understanding the Couch case above. 

Who Said Life Is Supposed To Be Easy?

Weber Middle School, in Long Island, has banned football, baseball, and games of tag during recess to prevent students from getting hurt. When asked why, school officials responded that “too many students have gotten bumps, scrapes and head injuries.” What?! You might be thinking. What is this world coming to that kids aren't even allowed to get some bumps once in a while? This brings to mind the title of the book by Wendy Mogel The Blessing of a Skinned Knee. One concept she stresses in her book is the importance of exeperiencing failure for the growth of our children.

Why do many of our children fall apart when faced with difficulty? One reason is that they believe that life will always be easy and therefore are not prepared when life is hard, or when they hit some “bumps” or “bruises” along the road. Louis Brandeis once said, “If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you.”

The parshiot we have been reading these past weeks describe the many bumps that Yaakov Avinu had in his life. Beginning with the need to run away from home and his fear of Eisav and culminating in his “loss” of Yosef, how much harder could his life get? Yaakov had this feeling as well, just wishing that life would be easier for him. The Midrash in Bereishit Rabbi 84:3 states

“Rav Acha said: When the righteous sit in tranquillity and desire to sit in tranquillity in this world, the Satan acts as accuser. He exclaims 'Is that which is set for (the righteous) in the World to Come not enough that they seek serenity in this world?' This is certainly the case – Yaakov Avinu sought to dwell in serenity in this world and the “Satan” of Yoseph attached himself to Yaakov – 'And Yaakov dwelt … etc.'(Gen 37:1) 'I had no repose, no quiet, no rest, and trouble came.' (Job 3:26)I had no repose – from Esav, No quiet – from Lavan, No rest - from Dinah, And trouble (lit. anger) came – the trouble of Joseph.”

One message often noted is that tzaddikim can never rest when it comes to growing spiritually. They must always be moving and never rest on their laurels.

Another message it does provide our children with is that life is hard, and if we face hardship it can help us grow. This past week's passing of Nelson Mandela is testimony to this idea. After 27 years in prison, he changed the face of his nation. Mr. Mandela said, "I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." To truly grow, one must realize that life is not easy. Life is not always comforting. At times it is hard. At times it is full of fear. A few weeks ago, my children and I heard Rabbi Yosef Mendelevich, (who spoke to some of our middle schoolers last year), tell his story as a refusnik and a prisoner in Siberia for eleven years. He too had the ability to maintain strength in the face of difficulty.

After Hurricane Sandy or any other natural disaster we focus on “disaster perparedness.” How do we prepare our children emotionally for life's inevitable bruises? We do so by modeling our reactions to hard times. A recent study in Israel, conducted after Operation Pillar of Defense at Soroka University Medical Center preschool psychiatric unit highlighted that children of mothers who suffer from PTSD are more likely to develop PTSD. Factors like health, education, or socioeconomic status had no impact. The only risk factor in developing PTSD was whether the mother had the symptoms. After a trauma, states Dr. Gal Meiri, “the child is dependent on the parents' reaction.” As parents, when faced with a difficulty, if we identify it and then decide we can cope and move on rather than panicking or saying, “Poor me” our children can model our behavior. Verbalize how it is a conscious choice to be optimistic and move forward.

What is one reason why our children believe that life is supposed to be easy? Because we a have always protected them from hardship. This is another way inadvertantly increase their fears. Wendy Mogel speaks about the level of fear that we as parents are passing along to our children by overprotecting them. We are fearful of their not being invited to the right parties, accepted by the right schools, of their being disappointed in life. “We train our children to... expect the worst in any unusual situation. We are teaching our children to slither rather than to roll with the punches... Real protection means teaching children to manage risks on their own, not shielding them from every hazard...But most of the parents I speak with believe that their children should be spared 'ordinary unhappiness' and should be protected from feeling sad, angry, afraid, frustrated or disappointed... If parents rush in to rescue the from distress, children don't get an opportunity to learn they can suffer and recover on their own.”

“My philosophy is: Life is hard, but G-d is good. Try not to confuse the two.” (Anne F. Beiler, American businesswoman). Ignoring the humor in her words, it does point out the importance of another from of modeling we can do as parents to help our children become more resilient. We can teach and model belief in G-d, and that He will help us in our times of trouble. Emunah and Bitachon. Rabbi Steve Burg, in his article, “Keeping Our Kids On The Derech” wrote, “The concept of God’s existence is neglected, barely even mentioned in our day schools and yeshivot. While we spend much time teaching Jewish texts, we spend way too little time emphasizing emunah and bitachon—the very foundations upon which Judaism is built. A teen who attends a day school recently confided to me that although she has learned all of the intricacies of hilchot borer in her high school honors dinim class, she is not certain she believes in God. A rabbi I know recently wrote about this very problem. While his bubbie never studied the commentaries on Tehillim, which his daughters all currently learn and know, he wrote, his daughters cannot cry over Tehillim the way his bubbie did. The dichotomy between our children’s high-level Torah study and their faith in God (or lack thereof) presents a deep and dangerous chasm. As parents and educators, we need to present Torah, halachah, philosophy and Jewish history as part of our relationship with and understanding of God, not as separate subjects that exist in a vacuum. When learning Torah with our children, we must express our own passion and zeal for God, demonstrating that all facets of Jewish learning should serve as a means to draw us closer to God and to better appreciate and love Him.” We cannot assume that even our Yeshiva graduates have the level of Emunah that they deserve and need.

We raise our children with the knowledge that life is hard at times, but they can overcome. They gain this knowledge by actually confronting challenges without our bailing them out. Wendy Mogel compares raising children to what horticulturists do when they prepare hothouse plants for replanting outdoors. First, they deprive them of food and water and expose them to greater heat and cold so that they will grow stronger root systems and thicker stems. “They subject them to stress to strengthen them.” Through allowing our children to look disappointment in the eye, while at the same time modeling resiliency and bitachon, we strengthen them.

Advisory Update:
6th grade-  A unit on Time Management Unit was begun where they are learning how to prioritize their work  utilizing the MyHomework app.

7th grade-  The skills of empathy are being taught and implemented.

8th grade-   Student focused on the fact that gratitude and appreciating what they have make for true happiness in life. 

Thanksgivukkah Parenting All Year Long

              A few weeks ago, I had the privilege of participating in Shabbat Yavneh as I delivered a shiur/parenting talk on “Chanukah Parenting” all year long.  As I shared, our children might hope that Chanukah parenting means giving gifts all year every day. No.  Through the presentation,  I pinpointed some messages that the holiday of Chanukah highlight and how we can apply them to parenting throughout the year.

In thinking about the teenage years, one aspect that serves as a challenge is the teen's materialism.  The Holiday of Chanukah may accentuate this materialism since as the chag approaches each child creates a “list” of what gifts he or she wants.  This season in America is generally so commercialized and taunts the teen. Teens have a hard time distinguishing between needs and wants. They need to have a certain piece of clothing or technology to be like their friends.  Certain brands are a must.

There have been numerous studies on the topic.  Since the 1980's, when research in this area began, there has been a significant increase in marketing geared to teens.  Billions of dollars a year are spent at marketing towards teens.

As a result, “teens are inundated with so much marketing about the importance of brands to identity and image, it has changed the way they socialize with each other, interact with adults and view themselves and the world, says child psychologist Allen Kanner, PhD, author of the book Psychology and Consumer Culture: The Struggle for a Good Life in a Material-istic World.” 

Children in today’s world are being raised with the message that by purchasing the desired item one can solve all of life’s problems. Adolescents are the most susceptible as they are by nature insecure have low self-esteem, and are searching for personal identity.  Peer pressure and fitting in are primary. They are learning that if they have the right material possessions they will be “in.”

“’The problem,’ says Kanner, ‘is that marketers manipulate that attraction, encouraging teens to use materialistic values to define who they are and aren't. In doing that, marketers distort the organic process of developing an identity by hooking self-value to brands,’ he adds. ‘More naturally, you might develop your identity around, for example, doing good in the world or building a career out of an interest,’ he explains.” How sad.  Do we want our children developing their identities around the products they own?  Kanner continues to state that marketing also discourages being different or being an individual.  Marketing also encourages teens to reject the “older generation.”  These are all values antithetical to Judaism.

In addition, there is tremendous pressure on both boys and girls on how they plan to fulfill their gender roles. Much research has been done with girls particularly.  Advertising promises them beauty, popularity, happiness, relationships etc. if they simply buy a specific product, robbing them of “self-awareness and self-esteem and encouraging them to look outside themselves for comfort, values and direction.”

The majority of 9-14 year olds agree, "When you grow up, the more money you have, the happier you are,”  and  "The only kind of job I want when I grow up is one that gets me a lot of money."A 2007 research study indicated that parents' are fearful that children  are become increasingly materialistic and less generous as they hit teenage years .  Research demonstrates this to be true, as it indicates that as children grow older they score higher on ratings of materialism and lower on generosity scales.  Something is going wrong.  American teens are truly convinced that the more material items they have they happier they will be.

Chanukah deals with the same battle against materialism. The Greek culture was known for its    materialism.  Greek culture worshipped physical perfection.  Judaism teaches that the potential for human greatness results from the ability to subjugate the physical to the spiritual. This is symbolized by the number eight- eight nights of Chanukah. The symbol for the natural, physical world is the number seven.  The number eight symbolizes spiritual transcendence, representing that which breaks through the bounds of physical limitation (symbolized by seven) and aspires for a higher reality, one that lies beyond materialism, beyond superficiality, Marisa N. Picker points out.  

At the Shabbat Yavneh shiur we spoke about some strategies to combat this materialism. One of them fits in perfectly with the Thanksgivukkah- or the combination of Thanksgiving and Chanukah we celebrate this week.  We can weed out the materialistic messages in a number of ways, but one way to combat them is by cultivating a sense of thankfulness and gratitude in our children. All the research indicates that raising grateful children can fight the materialism that surrounds us.

            Sorah Yocheved Rigler, in her article “Beyond Just Desserts- A Recipe for Thanksgiving” writes the four steps of gratitude: 1. Recognizing the good that you possess 2. Acknowledge that it is a gift and not something that you are entitled to 3. Identify the source of that gift- either G-d or a human being 4. Express your thanks. 

In Hebrew, the term for gratitude is הכרת הטוב-   Recognizing the good.  It is not easy to be grateful. One must stop and recognize how lucky one is. We can help our children stop and recognize the good they have already by training them to do so.

            One small way- insist on thank you notes, or thank you calls, or even an e-mail. It is important that from a young age children learn that not everything is “coming to them.”  When opening presents, focus on the giver, “Wow. Cheryl knew you loved purple and went out of her way to buy you everything in purple.”  Involve your children in chesed activities. They appreciate what they have more when they realize how much less others have.  Most importantly, as they grow older we need to remember to point out that the people we admire are not just the people who have the right “stuff” – materials, but rather our role models are the people who have the right “stuff” inside- midot and character traits.   

Digital Parenting- Who Is Responsible?

  “It’s called de-individuation. When people are anonymous, they do things they wouldn’t normally do. The Internet is essentially a giant de-individuator.”  These are the words I quoted in my last week's column by Dr. Judy Van Raalte, a sports psychologist. She highlighted the difference social media has made in sports, and most particularly in the case of Rebecca Marino, a professional tennis player who quit due to being harassed on social media.

I want to focus on that component of "de-individuation," as how many times have we, as adults, said, "I'd rather text/e-mail than call"- as it is often easier to say things on-line than in person. When it comes to cyberbullying, we see this de-individuation taken to the extreme.

We all know the case of Rebecca Ann Sedwick who committed suicide this past September after being taunted through texting and photosharing cellphone applications. The "bullies" were charged with a felony, despite being only 15.

We as parents need to carefully monitor the technology use of our children- whether to protect them from being victimized or from writing something inappropriate to others. We do know that Rebecca's mother claimed to be keeeping careful tabs on her, as she shut down her Facebook page and took her cellphone away, gave her new phone number, and continued to oversee her "digital footprint." Without her mother knowing, Rebecca signed on for new applications- ask.fm, Kik and Voxer. (I don't know about you, but I have no idea what those are without googling them. But, there are most definitely rules that need to be established with our teens if they have those apps). There was clear evidence on her phone that she was in danger. Her mother would have seen others communicating with her, "Why are you still alive? You are ugly." And, Rebecca posting, "How many Advil do you have to take to die?" As parents, we are having a hard time keeping up with the digital lives of our children. Things are changing daily.

The local media has been enaged in a discussion around the controversial bringing of felony charges against the bullies who drove Rebecca to her death. Emily Bazelon in slate.com maintains that charging these girls with a felony is not the answer, "...why aren't we holding the adults around them- their parents- responsible?" Mark O'Mara on CNN.com agrees. "If a teen kills someone while recklessly using the family car, the parents can be legally responsible. Why should using a computer or cellphone provided by the parent be any different? In the Internet era, parents should no longer be allowed to plead ignorance; they need to understand that the technology they give to their children can be used to break the law and inflict harm...Before we lose another child laws should be passed to hold parents responsible if their kids use online tools as weapons."

Believe it or not, there are laws in many states that enforce potential repercussions for parents when their children commit crimes. A study in 2005 investigated whether the public supports parental punishment. 69% of those polled "thought parents of delinquent teens were at least partially responsible." California made it a crime for parents to "fail to exercise reasonable care, supervision, protection and control" over their children. "At least 36 states hold parents responsible to some extent when their children break the law." Colorado, Florida, Louisiana, Missouri and Texas require community service for parents of criminals. Other states go as far as parental incarceration. The Child Access Prevention laws, (found in about 1/4 of states), penalize adults with a either a prison sentence or a fine when firearms fall into the hands of children who are underage. Local governments, like Cincinnati, require "guardians of unsupervised minors to take a parenting class, perform community service and/or pay a fine."

Are we responsible for the misbehaviors of our children? The Midrash in Bereishit Rabba 63:10 states, "For thirteen years, a person must manage his son; from here on, he must say, 'Blessed is He who released me from punishment of this one.'" This is the source for the beracha that is customary to say when a son reaches Bar Mitzvah. What is the meaning of this beracha? Before bar mitzvah, since the father is responsible for his upbringing, he receives punishments for his son's deeds. After bar mitzvah, the son is then obligated to strengthen himself in Torah and Mitzvot, according to the Mishna Berurah, and therefore the father is no longer held culpable for his deeds. But, the Mishna Berurah does add, "Know, that although he is no longer responsible for his upbringing/education (chinuch), the father remains obligated to chastise his son whenever necessary, and if he fails to do this, he is held responsible." So, clearly, according to halacha, there is a concept of being responsible and even punishable for the sins of ones children. Does that change at bar mitzvah age? The Mishna Berurah indicates that one is still responsible. And, for those of us who breathed a sigh of relief when the beracha was recited, realize that new guidelines by British psychologists define the age of 25 as the new end of adolescence! So, clearly today's bnei mitzvah are not ready.

Rabbi Chaim Jachter highlighted the Gemara in Masechet Sukkah 56b, which quotes the following Baraita: "The rabbis taught, it once happened with Miriam bat Bilgah that she abandoned her religion and went to marry a Greek officer. When the Greeks entered the Beit HaMikdash, she kicked her sandal against the alter and said, 'Wolf, wolf, for how long will you deplete Jewish money and not stand by them in poverty.'"

Who was this Miriam bat Bilgah? She was from a famous family of Kohanim. When the Beit HaMikdash returned to its service, the family of Bilgah was penalized for Miriam's act of disrespect to the Mikdash and the altar. "Normally, each Kohein family served in the Holy Temple for a week (once every 24 weeks). At the end of the week, the incoming and outgoing families would divide the Lechem HaPanim (showbread; see VaYikra 24:5-9) between themselves. Usually the incoming family would divide it in the north of the Temple courtyard, while the outgoing family would do so in the south. The Bilgah family always had to divide their share of the Lechem HaPanim on the southern side. Additionally, each family had its own ring affixed to the floor, in which the head of the animal was enclosed to hold it down during slaughter. Each family also had their own niche to store knives. The Bilgah family’s ring and niche were permanently closed, forcing them to borrow these needed items from the other priestly families; because of this, they suffered great embarrassment."

Although there were other explanations as to why this family suffered, it does seem to indicate that the whole family suffered due to the behavior of Miriam. Why? Abaye responds, "a child's words are invariably opinions repeated from what he or she heard at home."

It seems to be an overwhelming (and perhaps unfair), responsibility for parents. How can we guarantee that our children will do the right thing?

We cannot guarantee. But, we can try our best. The famous case of the ben sorer u'moreh- the "wayward son" lists numerous requirements for a son to be guilty and to be called this horrific title. One of these requirements is that the parents must be able to clearly "see" their son and point with their fingers saying the words "beneinu zeh." Rabbi Leff says that parents need to be able to truly see their child and point to what they need. If parents are blind to what is going on with their children, they cannot raise, educate and protect them in today's world.

I maintain that that is our primary responsibility- to truly "see" our children. We cannot afford to be blind to what they are doing or engaged in- whether in real-life or on-line. We need to educate ourselves, screen all their equipment- phones, iPod, iPads, computers etc., and let them know that we know what they are doing. Before we hand over any piece of technology to our children, we need to consider not only whether they are ready, but rather are we as parents equipped and/or ready for the supervision that piece of technology requires. We need to be prepared for the heart to heart talk that goes along with every additional device we give them. We need to make clear how we feel about cyberbullying, and stress our expectations. (We also want them to know that if they ever read or see anything that makes them uncomfortable, they should share it with us). "Don't you trust me?" they might ask. Let's not fall into this trap. We do this all because we care about them. We want to protect them.  

Foul or Fair Play

Jonathan Martin, a player on the Dolphins, left his team this past Thursday claiming an abusive environment. He was repeatedly bullied and teased by his teammates, who called him names. On Thursday, he went to the cafteteria to sit with his teammates and they all got up to sit elsewhere. Sounds like a something one might watch on television on one of those "tween" shows. Believe it or not, this "bullying" did not happen in a middle school lunchroom. It happened among grown men. Some of his teammates stated that the pranks played on Martin were "normal stuff" that goes on in any locker room.

Some articles stressed that despite the fact that in sports there is "traditional" hazing, the treatment to which he was subjected was beyond what's acceptable. Some reporters maintained that it may be tough for Martin to rejoin the Dophins after reporting on his teammates. I'd be curious to hear what your children think. There was one article I came across which called the incident evidence of the "wussification of America." The author maintains that Martin needed to develop a "thicker skin" and that "locker rooms are not safe houses for sensitive people." Ask your teen, what is considered acceptable teasing? Is there such a thing? How about with sports?

I know that when a child comes to me with a sports- related "bullying" incident, I often have to take a step back and even sometimes consult with a faculty member who is more of an athlete than I. What is considered bullying? If the ball is kept away from a student the whole game each time they play, is it bullying? But, what if he isn't a good athlete and they just want to win? Is there ever a case when a child needs to have a "thicker skin"? At the end of the day, I maintain that even on a pro-team, there needs to be limits when someone is feeling victimized. And, whether or not our middle schoolers want to admit it, we are not professional athletes and the the feelings of a child are more important than winning the game. I know that many students, (and even adults), do not relate to that perspective.

Some other questions to ask your child: Do you think that Martin will be able to return to his team? In general, if someone feels victimized and reports to get some help, will there be retaliation? Is that fair? How can we ever expect anyone to come for help if he is fearful of retaliation? As someone who spends much time each year doing anti-bullying training and intervention with students, the biggest issue that I confront is the fear of the victims and the bystanders to come forward as they imagine that the bully and his/her friends will retaliate.

Dr. Joel Haber, an author on bullying and children, discusses the pervasiveness of bullying on the sports fields. "On the playing field in the sports world a fine line exists between competitive play and bullying.  Another way to make this distinction is to talk about the line between fair play and foul play." Dr. Haber created a chart that "provides a clear definition of bullying in the sports world to help team members become more aware of when they are crossing the line in an inappropriate way." See http://respectu.com/assets/BullyingDefinitionsSports.pdf for Dr. Haber's chart. Dr. Haber highlights the three types of bullying as seen in sports:  Physical bullying is the easiest to identify and what most of us know as bullying.  This consists of hitting, slapping, head butting, towel snapping, tripping, physical violence against another’s will, etc.  Verbal bullying includes name calling, unwanted nicknames, making fun of others, taunting, rudeness and threats of violence or harm to another, etc. Relational bullying can be excluding another player, gossiping, “talking trash” meant to hurt another, embarrassment of a player in front of others, etc.

But, some of the above behaviors sound typical in sports. How does one know one has crossed the line from fair to foul? Bullying is when one or more team members (the bully or bullies) target a single other person (the victim) and use behavior that has the intention to hurt that person.  The bully must have power over the victim and have intent to harm the victim. 

Some months ago, in February 2013, another pro-athlete quit her sport due to cyberbullying. Rebecca Marino, a Canadian tennis player who was ranked as 38^th in the world, announced that she would be retiring from professional tennis due to her struggling with online bullying and abuse she was getting from fans that were berating her on social media. Yogi Berra once said, "Baseball is 90% mental and the other half is physical." An athlete's pscyhe is an important component of her success. It used to be, if fans were unhappy with the performanc of an ahtlete, they would grumble amongst each other, (or maybe in the hallways after shul was over). Today, fans have direct access through social media. Dr. Judy Van Raalte, a sports psychologist stresses the difference that social media has made in that, “It’s called de-individuation. When people are anonymous, they do things they wouldn’t normally do. The Internet is essentially a giant de-individuator.”

The New York Times stated, “Marino said what bothered her most were messages sent via Twitter by people angry because they said they had lost money betting on her matches. ‘They’ll say, ‘You gave that match away, you cost me such-and-such amount of money, you should go burn in hell,’ or ‘You should go die,’” Marino said. ‘And, oh my gosh, that is really scary.’‘You know, there’s that saying ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me’ But that’s not true. Names definitely hurt. Words hurt...Some people think I’m too sensitive. I disagree; I’m just being human.”

We can ask our children- is there such a thing as being too sensitive? Do you think that the fans have a right to write whatever they wish as they are the "paying fans" and she get paid lots of money to do what she does? How about on our sports teams? And, how does social media affect our athletics?

What do we as parents and educators do to to stop bullying among our young athletes? We need to advocate for our children, and not just say, "boys will be boys" or "that's the way to get kids to work hard and play hard." We are lucky enough to have coaches who set the tone and do not tolerate beahvior that seems "foul." There are famous coaches who are known for their bullying behaviors. Our coaches stress, through modeling, that we do not bully. As with all bullying, we need to empower the bystanders to do something about it. Although I do admit that I am not that athletic, I do know that most sports are about working as a team. Being a team player means making sure that everyone is part of the team.

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Advisory Update:
Sixth Grade- Students began our Bar/Bat Mitzvah etiquette unit.

Seventh Grade- Students put teamwork and communication skills into practice on their Frost Valley Retreat.

Eighth Grade- After guided self-reflection concerning their strengths, students filled out the Self -Evaluation worksheets on-line, which are utilized in their high school applications. 

Are Tough Teachers Better?

 Who were your most effective teachers? Were they the nurturing teachers or the demanding ones?

This is the topic of Joanne Lipman's article in the Wall Street Journal on September 27, 2013. She called her article, “Why Tough Teachers Get Good Results,” based on her book that she wrote called Strings Attached: One Tough Teacher and the Gift of Great Expectations. Lipman shares the techniques of a music teacher Jerry Kupchynsky as a model of what is missing in education today. She writes, “It's time to revive old-fashioned education. Not just traditional but old-fashioned in the sense that so many of us knew as kids, with strict discipline and unyielding demands. Because here's the thing: It works.”

Ms. Lipman shares how Kupchynsky was unsympathetic, unyielding and “made us rehearse until our fingers almost bled.” What about this uncaring teacher made Ms. Lipman see his instructional methods as ideal? How can she advocate for his techniques when research does indicate that supportive teacher-student relationships improve motivation, learning and achievement? The research furthermore highlights that caring teachers create classroom environments where students are encouraged to take risks and learning is emphasized over performing. Students who feel cared for persist in the face of failure. Mr. Kupchynsky's classroom was clearly not so.

Lipman feels that although she may not agree with the abuse students experienced, she feels that eight principles come from the “tough teacher.” 1. “A little pain is good for you.” - True growth is fostered by constructive and often painful feedback. 2. “Drill, baby, drill” - There is an element of rote learning that is essential for success, (i.e. memorizing one's times tables). 3. “Failure is an option”- when children understand that failure is part of learning, they perform better. 4. “Strict is better than nice”- The number one finding of a team of researchers investigating what makes a teacher successful was that “they were strict.” 5. “Creativity can be learned”- there is no such thing as a born genius, and through hard work one can learn the art of being creative. 6. “Grit trumps talent”- passion and perseverance for long-term goals is the best predictor of success. 7. “Praise makes you weak.” 8. “Stress makes you strong” - the appropriate amount of stress in childhood helps develop resiliency.

Each one of Lipman's points can lead to an entire article on its own. I do wonder, though, whether Mr. Kupchynsky's teaching style truly reflected these beliefs. Do we agree that tough teachers get better results than caring teachers? How about parents? Are tough parents better parents and raise better children than caring parents? Deep down, do some of us feel that “kids nowadays” are spoiled and overpampered and could use some old-fashioned, unyielding teaching?

These differing views on pedagogy remind me of the differences we had always learned between Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai- who often come to mind as we get closer to Chanukah time and lighting candles. Today, when there is a machloket, we generally say the halacha is according to Beit Hillel. The Arizal maintained that in the time of Moshiach, we will “paskin” like Beit Shammai. Why? The Mikdash Melech explains that Beit Hillel represents kindness, (as his halachic rulings are usually more lenient), and Beit Shammai severity. Today, before the arrival of Moshiach, we are not capable of withstanding the severity of Beit Shammai.

I maintain that a caring teacher with high expectations can combine the best of both worlds. In her research, Judith Kleinfeld coined the term “warm demanders.” “Warm demanders exert influence on their students' learning through their relationships. They are not willing to let a child turn in lesser quality work or fail; instead, with compassion, they express their belief that their students can do better and are willing to work with students to improve their work.” They utilize the teaching style called “active demandingness.” This style is the balance of establishing a relationship with the students, while at the same time, holding students accountable. This is the “golden mean” of all middot- neither the extreme of being too demanding nor the extreme of being a “pushover” makes an effective teacher. As it says in Sanhedrin 107b, there should be a combination of compassion and justice, “pushing away with the left hand while bringing closer with the right hand.”

As parents, we are the ultimate teachers of our children and can utilize the “warm demander” model. It is not an easy balance, but hopefully gets “good results.”

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Advisory Updates:

Sixth Grade- Sixth graders worked on organizational skills as they organized their lockers and backpacks utilizing the P.A.C.K. method.  

Seventh Graders- Seventh graders culminated their unit on preparing for teamwork at Frost Valley as they learned the importance of Active Communication skills.

Eighth Graders-  Eighth graders discussed,  through some self-analysis,  that which makes them unique and the skills that they "bring to the table" as part of assessing who they will become as they embark on the next four years of high school. 

You Are A Wonder

 There is a book making its way into the hands of middle schoolers all across the country called Wonder by R.J.Palacio. I first heard of the book last year at a teen conference on Tolerance, but I thank Rabbi Knapp for handing me the book to read. (It is a wonderful book to read with your middle schooler). The book tells the story of Auggie, a boy with facial deformities. It speaks of his first year in school after being home schooled and his journey to acceptance. The book challenges the reader to consider whether we are truly accepting of those who are different, and how difficult it is to stand up to peer pressure and do what is right. Wonder ends with Auggie receiving an award at the end of the year for strength of courage and character. He receives a standing ovation as he accepts the award. The book is called “Wonder” as in the last sentences of the book Auggie's mother says to him, “'Thank you, Auggie,' she answered softly. 'For what?' 'For everything you've given us,' she said. 'For coming into our lives for being you.' She bent down and whispered in my ear. 'You really are a wonder, Auggie. You are a wonder.'” In the appendix of the book, Auggie states, “Everyone in the world should get a standing ovation at least once in their life ...”

The uniqueness of each person is celebrated in Wonder. Augggie's parents had a difficult job convincing a child who felt like an outcast that he was a “wonder.” In reality, as growing teens, all of our children have times in their lives when they feel down about themselves. Whether it is not making the team, or comparing his/her low grade on a test to others, he/she can feel anything but wonderful. As parents, we have the challenge to convince each of our children that they are special in their own ways. We do this by helping our children identify their true talents and encouraging them to develop those talents. “You are not just one of the crowd. You stand out. You are unique.” We provide them with standing ovations as often as we can. BUT... there is a downside...

This concept came to my mind this week as the world mourned the passing of HaRav Ovadiah Yosef, ztl. At Yavneh we attempted to help the children feel the gravity of this loss. I heard someone mention an incredible opportunity that came about at Chacham Ovadiah's funeral, attended by approximately 800,000 people. The Gemara in Berachot 58b mentions that upon seeing 600,000 Jews one says the beracha, “Baruch Ata...Chacham HaRazim” - Blessed are You G-d...who knows all secrets.” The Gemara continues to explain the meaning of this beracha. “For their thoughts are not similar to one another, nor are their appearances similar.” Only G-d has the ability to create and see the individuality in each person- even when in a large crowd. We thereby thank Hashem for creating us with that which makes each of us special- for the wonder he created in each one of us.

As teachers, this is one challenge we face each day- to see each one of our students as an individual. This is particularly challenging when it comes to the more quiet students, as they can easily blend into the background if we do not make the effort to get to know their uniqueness and their wonder. And, of course, through differentiating our instruction we support the individual learning styles and personalities of every child.

This beracha also demonstrates the downside to which I referred above. While we stress the unique aspects of all children, there is something incredible about being part of that large group of people. We say a beracha on seeing that wonder as well. (Interestingly enough, research indicates that being part of a community greater than oneself contributes to positive self-image as well). Going overboard in providing our children with a healthy dose of self-esteem can often lead to a dangerous self-centeredness. There is value in reminding our children that they are “one of the crowd” and part of the community. There is great good to be achieved when we reach out to work together, help each other and ignore our differences. Rabbi Zalman Lent, rabbi in Dublin, Ireland shares, “But there is also something powerful in belonging to a mass of humanity – a group, a nation, a people. So on the one hand we cherish the differences of the individual – we even praise G-d for that, but on the other hand we can see the great good that can be achieved when we work together as a group, masking over our differences. We need to be counted as individuals, serving G-d on our own individual levels and in ways that are meaningful to us; but equally we need to recognize that we are part of a whole — small cogs linked together in an incredible human network – the largest social network in history.”

Likewise, with our children we at times need to remind them that, “You are special, but don't let that go to your head.” We look out for each other. We help others and do not simply help ourselves. At times, we need to challenge them to stop and think not of how special they are, but rather how they can reach out to others.

Another downside can be that our children begin to believe that they must be special. It is not okay to just be “average” or “normal.” The tremendous pressure they put on themselves to maintain uniqueness can lead to competition and feelings of inadequacy- exactly the opposite of what we as parents had intended when we reinforced how special they were.

The beracha “Chacham HaRazim” reminds of the importance balance of seeing the wonder of the individual while reinforcing the wonder of the klal. The wonder that Auggie was could not be accomplished without his individual strength of character and the community that supported him.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade- Our sixth graders learned some of the skills necessary for effective discussions in Advisory.

Seventh Grade- In preparation for teamwork at Frost Valley, students learned the skills of Assertive Communication and how to disagree utilizing “I statements” instead of accusatory “You statements.”

Eighth Grade- Our eighth graders continued with practical guidance in the application process and began learning interviewing skills.

Parenting for a New Generation

 As a child, the parshiot found in Sefer Bereishit were the highlight of the year. What could be better than floods, rainbows, tents with four doors, angels going visiting or going up and down ladders? But, as we relearn Sefer Bereishit as teens we realize, “ Hey, there are some other stories that our teachers conveniently left out when we learned these parshiot for the first time.” One such story is found in this week's parasha, Parashat Noach. After the flood, in Bereishit 9:20-21 it states, "Noach debased himself and planted a vineyard. He drank of the wine and became drunk." Aside from the apparent incest that follows, it is clear why our Morot skipped this story. How could Noach the Tzaddik stoop to such a level?

Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, a psychologist known for his work in the area of addiction, says that this story comes to teach us something about parenting. “The commentaries say that Noach knew how much he could drink safely without the wine affecting him, but that was before the flood. What Noach did not consider is that the world had undergone a radical change, and it was not the same world he had known. In a new world, old rules may not apply. What was tolerable in the old world may not be tolerable in the new world.”

Dr. Twerski continues that the world has radically changed from the time we were children. The world has become more “polluted” and therefore the old rules are not adequate. The freedoms that our parents gave us to come and go unsupervised cannot be granted to today's teens. “Parenting by instinct is not acceptable,” he adds. In today's world, parenting is like “trying to go up a down escalator.” The lesson of Noach is that when the world has changed, we cannot afford to continue "business as usual."

Behaviors, interactions and even clothing that were considered inappropriate and vulgar 30 years ago are now celebrated and sensationalized. Realities and life experiences to which we weren't exposed until we were in our college years, our “tweens” can have easy access to today. And, as today's parents, we have less control over boundaries that are set for our children. The world has changed and we need to adapt our parenting accordingly. First, we need to educate ourselves about the challenges that our children are facing, as we may not even be aware of all the dangers they confront.

As parents, we additionally need to work harder at parenting, by attending parenting lectures/shiurim, (coming to Yavneh parenting programs!), reading parenting books, and consciously planning our parenting strategies. Most parenting is done by modeling. We must work diligently on refinement of our own personalities in order to resist the noxious effects of today's “hedonistic world.” We need to be more obvious and frank about our values with our children. Ethics and morals we may have absorbed as children by osmosis, our children of today need to be directly taught. (On the school-end, this is just what programs such as our Advisory program at Yavneh are all about).

(In addition, on a most basic level, this story of Noach and his drunkenness reminds us as parents of emerging teens of the dangers of substance use, (including alcohol!), and the models we are to our children by how we utilize alcohol in our lives.)

One might feel dejected about the current demands of parenting that have been placed upon us. Dr. Twerski reminds us that, “ we are assured that 'ha'bo litaheir misayein oto - one who tries to purify himself will receive [Divine] help.' Hashem helps us overcome all challenges, and thus no challenge is insurmountable.”

Advisory Update:

6^th Grade- Our sixth graders started Advisory this past week. Advisors and students have been learning about each other and developing a relationship.

7^th Grade- Our seventh graders have begun their preparation for their Frost Valley Leadership Conference. This week, they discussed qualities that are essential for teamwork and leadership and how one attains those character traits.

8^th Grade- Our 8^th graders began their unit on Applying to High School. This past week, they discussed how one chooses a high school? What qualities are they looking for? What determines their decision? What kind of person do they each want to become in the next four years? How do parents and children share this decision? They also began to look at the actual applications and what is needed to practically fill them out.