The Lottery- Do Good Things Come to Those Who Wait?

 Now that Cindy and Mark Hill of Dearborn, Missouri have come forward to claim their Powerball winnings, I guess it is final- we didn't win. The other big winners from Arizona, as of press time, have yet to come forward. I wonder what they are waiting for. Some months ago I heard on the news of a man who waited months to come forward with his ticket. The news anchor said, “That is what we call delayed gratification!” His comment got me thinking. Winning the lottery is the antithesis of delayed gratification.

Fox News had a roundtable on the topic The Lottery- The death of delayed gratification. People don't want to work hard for their money anymore, they asserted. Rather than start a business and work hard for years to build it up, they want to win the lottery.

In the book Drive: 9 Ways to Motivate Your Kids to Achieve by Janine Walker Caffrey, she highlights this reality amongst today's children. She calls one chapter in her book “Resist the quick fixes of the lottery, game shows and reality tv.” Teens watch American Idol and “assume that everyone who was successful in the business had a big break and fail to realize that making it in the music industry requires a lot of hard work and perseverance.” The same with the show Extreme Home Makeover. They watch people, (although well-deserving), being handed their homes on a silver platter. They then get the message “wait for someone to give them things instead of understanding their own power to make things happen.” And, then there is the lottery. We purchase our tickets and speak about what we would buy if we win. “If only we could win the lottery!” If your child hears that message repeatedly, she really will make the assumption that the way to material goods is the lottery, Caffrey maintains. She will understand that she cannot attain these wonderful things unless she wins them. In other words, she is helpless to alter her financial status except through some lucky kind of windfall.

This belief that people are helpless to change their status without luck has a detrimental effect. “People who believe they are helpless to change their situation do not have any motivation to make things change. Reality TV and lotteries have created a sense of ... helplessness.” Caffrey also states that lotteries also create feelings of entitlement. “Children are inundated with images of people getting things just because they want them.” A student can purchase papers and answers online. A person can lose weight if he takes a pill. We need to teach children to patiently wait for want they want and work for it.



This sense of entitlement is pervasive in our world of technology. The fast pace of technology has robbed our children of patience and perseverance. David Greenfield, the founder of the Center for Internet and Technology Addiction, compares e-mail to playing a slot machine, (or playing the lottery). “The hit when you get a good e-mail is like the hit of winning money. It provides instant gratification. Today's teens demand instant gratification. Everything must be immediate and now! Movies on-demand, instant messages, instant music downloads- all is accelerated. “Because many things have come easy... they aren't always willing to pay their dues. Some educators and employers worry that their work ethic isn't as strong as that of previous generations and that they are willing to cut corners and even cheat in school to get what they want now.” Weight gain has also been tied to the inability to delay gratification, as with greater self- control, one can better resist unhealthy foods. (I often consider the halachot of meat and milk and notice that they enforce the need for waiting to eat something one might really want. So, after eating meat, even though that chocolate bar looks delicious, I must exercise self- control. Even saying berachot before eating forces one to stop and think a few moments before eating- not just stuffing oneself immediately with the food of choice. And, of course, the laws of Kashrut in general force us to say, “No” to ourselves, even when a food is very tempting. And, in the other realms of physical need, the laws of Taharat HaMishpacha, serve the role of delaying gratification).



The need for instant gratification underlies most addictions, whether to drugs, gambling or even internet addictions. In his article, “Gotta Have It Now, Right Now,” Ronald J. Alsop quotes an English professor named Harold Schweizer who stressed the importance of waiting – as it can be “regenerative and restful, as well as a time for inspiration and fresh ideas.” In his classes, he has incorporated pauses and waiting times.



How do we encourage this ability to delay gratification in our children?

1. We make them earn their privileges (i.e. cellphones).
   
2. We praise them when we see they are practicing self- control and are able to wait for what they want.
   
3. We encourage them to take the time to think before they answer or discuss.
   
4. Those who attended my Tu B'Shevat parsha and parenting shiur last year might remember the famous Mischel marshmallow study where children were told they could eat a marshmallow right away or wait (delay gratification) 15 minutes and could then get two. Children who were able to wait showed increased success in school and overall in life. They recently redid that study to consider what made some children delay while others needed instant gratification? They found that children from stable families, where parents generally delivered what they said they would, were more prone to wait. “Beliefs about the reliability of others' behavior inform children's decisions about whether to wait for a better reward.” A child's ability to delay gratification depends upon his assessment of the reliability of the adults and world around him. Our job as parents is to send the message to our children that if they wait, they will get what we said they would. We will deliver. They can depend on us.
   

Hurricane Sandy Resolutions

In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy there are numerous “teachable moments” to share with our children. Mr. Charlie Harary, in his article “Hurricane Sandy: The Aftermath” shares numerous lessons to be learned. He also makes four resolutions:

1. Every day, notice one thing in my “normal” life and be grateful for it.
2. Dare to be great. Every day, set one goal beyond my perceived limitations and go for it. Push to see how much potential I really have.
3. Each day, hug each kid, tight. Pick a family member to call to say I love you.
4. The next time I have an opportunity to give, I will just give.

This is an impactful exercise to practice with our children. “What did I learn from the past weeks of Hurricane Sandy? What will I now do differently?”

With the Thankgiving season approaching, Mr. Harary's first resolution hits home. He shares a story, which will resonate with those of us who have grandparents who are Holocaust survivors.

“I remember when I was 16 years old. I was home one Saturday night with nothing to do, moping around, feeling sorry for myself when my grandparents came over.

'What's the matter?' my grandmother asked.

'I'm having a bad night, my plans unraveled and I have nothing to do,' I kvetched.

My grandmother, who at my age was in Auschwitz, commented, 'Boy, what I would have given to have nothing to do when I was your age.'

Enough said. Checkmate. Perspective gained.”

We spend so much time yearning for objects we do not even need, when life is normal. We do not appreciate what we have until it is lost. Each morning can and should be filled with the realization that we should be grateful for the normal, everyday things. When we awaken, we first say “Modeh Ani”- thanking Hashem for giving us life. Do we ever stop for a moment to be grateful for that “normal” waking up? When we teach our children the Beracha of “Asher Yatzer” to say when they leave the bathroom, (as thanks to G-d who created their body with their “plumbing” working correctly), that is exactly what we mean. Only those who, G-d forbid, lose that ability realize the importance of thanking G-d for the ability to go to the bathroom.  Even when saying 100 berachot a day, we can focus our attention and think about how grateful we are. In Hebrew, gratitude is “hakarat hatov'” - recognizing the good. It is a challenge to recognize the good we already have.   “Every day, notice one thing in my 'normal' life and be grateful for it.”

Another resolution I would make, stemming from our Sandy experiences, is related to a column I wrote last year about a day to “disconnect.” When we lost power at my home, we all gathered together in the same room with mattresses on the floor and read stories by flashlight. We spent more time together in the next week- undistracted by television, e-mail, phones and the other distractions in our lives. This was “quality time.” Aimee Lee Ball, in her New York Times article “Hurricane Sandy Reveals a Life Unplugged” concurred that, “But the storm provided a rare glimpse of life lived offline. It drove some children crazy, while others managed to embrace the experience of a digital slowdown. It also produced some unexpected ammunition for parents already eager to curb the digital obsessions of their children.” (She contined to add that Michelle Obama shared that her technology rule during the week for her children is no TV, cellphones or computers during the week except for homework.) “It's like coming off of drugs. There's a 48 hour withdrawal until they're not asking about the TV every other minute. The storm offered a nostaligic return to childhood amusements that don't require batteries.” (Although, it is interesting to note that Hurricane Sandy and its aftermath were the most instagrammed news event ever, with more than 800,000 pictures posted). Hurricane Sandy reminded me to resolve, “Every day, make some time to disconnect and be with my children and family.”   

The "Wandering Jews" and Home Alone

 Last week, the New York Times featured an article about Bar/Bat Mitzvah- a topic that applies to our community, and a topic I chose to discuss in my blog. This week, the child luring attempts have been on our minds- another topic that applies to our community. It seemed that both topics of Bar Mitzvah behavior and Child Safety coalesced today as I had a conversation with a parent about Shabbat Bar Mitzvahs. Many of our boys have their Bar Mitzvah celebrations on Shabbat, with a meal following Davening. After that meal, which merely lasts until early afternoon, there typically is no program. And, so we have a group of boys wandering the community, from one friend's house to another, with no supervision and no adult having a sense of to where they are heading. We train our children to notify parents of changes in plans. Some of these children's parents are in a different city. No one knows their plans. When I met with Detective Teehan today, before his program with the middle schoolers, I stressed the concerns we have regarding Shabbat safety- as it is a day when our children have no access to cellphones, and do a lot of walking and wandering.

Whose responsibility is it to supervise these wandering boys? Are the Bar Mitzvah boy's family- who are rather busy that Shabbat- responsible? Or, perhaps the hosts of the homes in which these teenage guests are staying. Is it their job to make sure they know where all the boys who are staying at their house are? Are there some rules that we as parents should get together and make to ensure their safety? Perhaps boys should have to return to the home where they are sleeping for the afternoon? I still recall after the terrible storm of March 2010, when we lost two Teaneck community members, a”h, there were a group of boys attending a local Bar Mitzvah wandering around town during that storm.

I have no particular solutions, but I wanted to bring up the issue. (And, I thank the parent with whom I this conversation for bringing these concerns to the fore). If you have any ideas, suggestions and/or interested in working on some solutions, please feel free to contact me.

Some Other Safety Concerns

As I mentioned above, and as you saw in the letter you got this evening, we had a program in school about Safety. There were some issues that as I parent were on my mind:

1. How do you teach your children about abuse and dangerous people without scaring them and creating more anxiety?
   We stress with our children, as we did in today's program, that they need not worry- they just need to know what to do. It is not “stranger danger,” it is “stranger safety.” Rather than focusing on the bad things that could happen, we focus on the skills and the rules we want our children to live by to stay safe. There is no need to worry about strangers if they follow the safety rules. We remind them that most probably nothing dangerous will ever happen to them, but they need to know the rules just in case.

It is essential that we remain calm when we speak to our children. Despite it being an uncomfortable topic, if we sound anxious, they will sense it. The goal is not to focus on scary stories, but to stress that most people are good. We need to stress that the world is mostly full of good, kind people. There is a children's book, The Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers, which uses the metaphor of “bad apples.” (Note, it has been a long time I read that book and I am not necessarily recommending it). In the book, Sister learns about strangers and then is afraid that everyone she meets is dangerous. She then learns that people are like apples. Most apples are good but there are a few “bad apples” out there. Although this book is not one for teens, this is the message we should relay.

What if they do express anxiety or fear? Never minimize their fears. First get a sense of what is really scaring them. (Ex. Is the walk home from the bus bothering him?) Once you identify the actual fear, then you can practically outline what he will do to stay safe. (i.e. when walking home from the bus, hold your cellphone in your hand).

2. Another question brought up by a student today was, “What should I do when I am home alone?” At what age is a child old enough to be stay home alone? There are no legal ages in New Jersey for staying home alone, but the National SAFE KIDS Campaign recommends that children are not to be left alone until age 12. However, parents need to consider their own particular child. Children mature at different rates. If you are planning on leaving your child home alone for the first time, it is a good idea to begin leaving her alone progressively- first ten minutes while you are close to home etc.

We then need to evaluate if they are trustworthy. Will they stay home? Will they host a party with all their friends while you are out? Are they ready, in general? Are they fearful? Will they follow rules? Have they shown good judgment in the past? When is your child ready to watch other children?

As with any potentially dangerous situations, we need to teach them the safety rules. No answering the phone. No answering the door. Tell them things they cannot do without supervision. Role playing some situations would be a good idea. “What would you do if a stranger knocked at the door?' “What if your brother and sister are fighting?”

3. How do we stress to our kids that being safe is more important than being cool? We mentioned to the students the dangers of walking at night, especially in neighborhoods where there are no sidewalks. No self-respecting teenager would be caught in a reflective belt. That is probably what kids said when the law requiring helmets on bicycles went into effect. As parents, we need to model that behavior, and enforce it with our teens. Some other issues: It might not be cool to cross at the light, but it is safe. It may not be cool to tell a friend you can't go to the other house without notifying your parents, but it is safe.

4. How can we know they follow these safety rules when we are not with them? We cannot know. But, as with any values we relay to our children, we say them over and over again until they are second nature, and they cannot help but hear our voices in their heads reminding them of how to stay safe.

That is our job as parents. To become that broken record in their minds, (in a nice, supportive way, without annoying them). They know we do it because we care. Our parents did the same.

Mazel Tov and Mind Your Manners

“Teaching Respect to the Faithful” was the title of Bruce Feiler's article in the New York Times regarding Bar and Bat Mitzvah etiquette. He quotes parent Alia Ramer, “Parents were dropping their children off at the synagogue, and the kids, unchaperoned, were treating the joint like the mall. Girls were hanging out in the bathroom, sitting on the countertops and texting their friends, while boys were playing tag football in the social hall and sneaking brownies from under the plastic wrap...In the sanctuary, she wrote in a rant on the Web site of New Jersey Jewish News, they 'are prone to talking unabated through the service, save for the 30 seconds after they’ve just been shushed by people who are wondering where those kids’ parents are.' Even her own did it, she confessed.”

The Jewishjournal.com has an article written by Susan Estroff who humorously speaks of the same issue. “Our sages taught that a parent is responsible for a child until that child reaches the age of 13 years and one day, at which time he's ready to assume full responsibility for observing the commandments and for all his deeds. Perhaps our sages should have specified that all deeds include stuffing up toilets with rolls of toilet paper, downing the remains of alcoholic beverages, running wild in hotel parking lots, having elevator races and destroying someone else's furniture.”

When I came to Yavneh seven years ago, dealing with the Bar/Bat Mitzvah behavior of students was a priority. It was encorporated into the Advisory curriculm for the sixth grade, and has grown into an entire unit on Manners which we affectionately call, “Hey Dude, That's Rude!” We even hold a mock Bar/Bat Mitzvah where the students are able to practice their manners in real time.  More importantly, we realize that it is not just about the Bar/Bat Mitzvah party. It is about relaying to our students the importance of decorum and politeness in all realms of life- in the workplace, on an interview or even in a restaurant or movie theater. 

There are so many articles bemoaning the lack of manners among today's teens. One need not be an expert in adolescent development to notice. However, I recently came across an online newsletter called “Values in Action” where Mr. Hal Urban proclaims “The teenagers I know don't have bad manners. In fact, they have very good manners.” How can that be? He states that “teenagers get a bad rap.” And, that he sees more rude behavior among adults than teens. But, he does continue to share why all the students he has in his classroom tend to have good manners.

As he began noticing the deterioration of civility in the general population, and people were becoming more self-centered and inconsiderate, he realized that teens are simply a reflection of the world we as adults have created for them. He noted that when he would say to a child, “Do you talk like that in front of your parents?” they would reply, “Yes.” (Their parents were the ones who taught them that language). So, he stopped asking that question. He then changed his first day lesson plan. Each year on the first day of school his focus would be on what is considered good manners and what is considered bad manners. They discussed what it means to treat others as you would want to be treated. The students began to realize that if Mr. Urban spent that much time on the first day of school on manners, then it must be important. People then behave as they are expected to behave. He expected respect, politeness and, as we call, derech eretz. That was what he got. He ends his article by asserting that that is the way to teach manners, “Or maybe I'm just lucky, because those polite kids keep showing up in my classroom year after year.”

I like to say that I am lucky as those “polite kids” continue showing up in our Middle School year after year. That is because we have high expectations for respect, kavod ha'briyot and derech eretz. We also teach them how to do it in Advisory and in our classrooms. They too live a world where people do not say please or thank you. One need only have watched the last Presidential debate- the interruptions, finger pointing and talking over the opponents to see lack of civility. The candidates ignored time limits for responses. “If these were your own kids, would you put up with this?” The debate was a great “teachable moment” for us to discuss manners with our children. 

Mr. Feiler, in the Times, attributes one source of the lack of manners at Bar/Bat Mitzvahs to “Stressed-out parents have less time to raise their children,” and therefore schools need to take over the role of teaching proper decorum. I think that most of us would disagree. When we as parents send our children to school, we want to partner with the school in raising “menschen.” Only if we have these high expectations in school and at home will good manners then generalize to the Bar Mitzvah hall or the sanctuary. 

A Tribute to My Principal and That "Kesher"

High school is just around the corner. For our sixth graders, who are slowly adjusting, it is a mere two years away until they have to make the high school choice. (Although, right now we are still learning our Middle School schedules!) Right before the chagim, in our 8^th grade Advisory, we began discussing with them “How do I choose a High School? What affects my decision? Who makes the decision- my parents? Do I? Is it a joint decision? What kind of person do I want to become in the next few years?” These sound like serious questions to be confronted by a 14 year old who is making a “big decision,” along with his/her parents, for the first time in his/her life.

(We tend to take for granted the academic opportunities our girls have. On October 11^th we joined in on the “International Day of the Girl” created to draw the world's attention to all those girls who are denied educations and face poverty, discrimination and violence. This week, a 14 year old Pakistani girl who was speaking out against policies restricting women's education, was shot by the Taliban. Our middle school girls were photographed on Thursday raising their hands as part of the campaign to collect four million hands raised in support of girls education. (Thank you to Mrs. Robin Rochlin for bringing this campaign to our attention). Perhaps those few moments we spent that day hit home as our girls realized how lucky they are).

I was recently thinking about my own high school years as I had heard of the passing of my principal, Mrs. Chaya Newman, a”h. My high school years most definitely impacted on my love for Torah, teaching and reaching out to others. Those years helped me develop a strong sense of self and of success. Mrs. Newman was the principal for over 40 years and most definitely shaped the culture of the school that became my home. As principal, she was a role model to us of a woman who could be strong, knowledgeable and can make an impact. I have distinct memories of sitting in her office as a student council officer as she empowered us to make decisions. I remember spending Shabbat at her home as she reached out to students. I later returned as a graduate student to teach alongside my former teachers. I am grateful for the opportunities she gave me as a rookie teacher. And, I can still envision her dancing with me at my wedding, as one of her “girls” was getting married. The impact of those high school years stays with me years later.

We know of the incredible impact peers have on our teens as they enter adolescence. However, a recent study at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research indicated that adolescents continue to be influenced greatly by their teachers (and parents) when it comes to “school engagement.” In large public high schools, where classes are larger and more performance-oriented, there are less opportunities for teachers and students to develop strong relationships, the study continued. Adolescence is particularly a time when teens need relationships with adults outside their families to feel competent in their schoolwork. These relationships can even counteract negative relationships with peers.

Dr. Haim Ginott, a child psychologist and parent educator who began as a teacher, highlighted the incredible influence a teacher can have on a child's attitudes towards school, education, and even their own self-image. “I've come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It's my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or de-humanized.” Each one of us can recall that teacher who was that instrument of inspiration. Unfortunately, many of us can recall those teachers that were not. When we choose a school for our teens, we are not only looking at curricula, peer groups, and even the campus. We are also searching for teachers who can make that “kesher” - connection- with our children to engage them in the learning and growing process. We are very conscious of this important role we teachers play each day- in middle and lower schools as well.

When I consider what made my high school years so impactful, I realize that it was the connections with my principal and my teachers that truly made the difference. So, although it may be “centuries” since I graduated high school, I know that those four years made an indelible imprint. I express my gratitude to Mrs. Chaya Newman, a”h, for all that she did for hundreds of teenagers searching for that important "kesher."   May her memory be a blessing. 

How to "Friend" G-d

G-d doesn't have a Blackberry or an iPhone, but He is my favorite contact.

He doesn't have Facebook, but He is my best friend.

He doesn't have Twitter, but I follow Him nonetheless.

He doesn't have internet, but I am connected to Him.

And even though He has a massive communication system, His customer service never puts me on hold.

Mrs. Sharon Risch sent me the above called “G-d and Social Media.” It, of course, speaks volumes about our relationships with our technology, but more importantly- at this time of year, with G-d. We know that "דרשו ה בהמצאו” (Yeshayahu 55:6) “Seek Hashem when He is near”- during the month of Elul through Aseret Yimei Teshuva G-d is nearer and closer to us, and we are to seek out that closeness and repent. How do we help our teens feel that closeness? The word Elul itself is an acronym for “ אני לדודי ודודי לי" “I am to my Beloved as my Beloved is to me”- as it is a time we are to seek out a relationship with G-d during the entire month of Elul, leading up to the Yamim Noraim. How do we raise children who feel this need to even have a relationship with G-d that is as least as strong as their relationships with their iPods? The above poem crystallizes this challenge. A few weeks ago, my three year old son said to me innocently, “Hashem is my best friend.” I want my children to feel that G-d is their best friend throughout their lives. (Even when it's not “cool” to say so). How do we make that feeling last?

Rabbi Steven Burg, the International Director of NCSY, wrote in an issue of Jewish Action that we wonder why many teenagers who are raised Orthodox simply go through the motions and then stray from Orthodoxy when they go off to college. He asserts that we need to “Reintroduce G-d into our schools, homes and relationships...Judaism is first and foremost about one's relationship with the Almighty, not about fitting into a social group.” Teens, and adults, lead observant lives because it is expected of them in the community in which they live. “A teen who attends a day school recently confided to me that although she has learned all of the intricacies of hilchot borer in her high school honors dinim class, she is not certain that she believes in G-d,” cites Rabbi Burg as an example. “A rabbi I know recently wrote about this very problem. While his Bubbie never studied the commentaries on Tehillim, which his daughters all currently learn and know, he wrote, his daughters cannot cry over Tehillim the way his Bubbie did.”

What can we as parents do to instill this love of Hashem in our children? We need to share with our children that the goal of all the wonderful and insightful commentaries and thought-provoking halachot that they are learning is to get closer to Hashem. We need to display our own love for G-d in words and action. When we experience a trip to the beach together and see the sunset, we need to say, “Wow. How amazing are the creations of Hashem. Can't you feel Hashem here?” It may sound cheesy, but we need to say it aloud. When I taught a Jewish philosophy class I used to ask my students to write about a time that they felt Hashem in their lives. We need to ask our teens to ask themselves these questions. Some students even kept a “Hashgacha Pratit (feeling G-d's presence) Journal.” We need to bring Hashem into their everyday lives.

As we do Mitzvot with joy we also relay the message that we are doing mitzvot to connect with G-d. If you truly love someone everything you do “for Him” is a joy. This applies to Tefilla as well. What message are we sending them about Davening- our opportunity to connect and talk to G-d? Like with a best friend, I turn to G-d to speak with Him when I have troubles. He always listens. We should bring up conversations with them about, “How do we connect with a G-d we can't see? How do we know He is there? Does He really answer our prayers?” These are important discussions to have with our teens. This is all part of the spiritual education we must give our children. They may challenge us- a perfect opportunity for a serious heart to heart.

I once read that we should try an exercise and ask our children why they are important. Most will say because they “get good grades, are good at sports, have good friends...”- all based on something human that can change. But, how about sharing with them that their self-worth is based on a Bereishit 1:27 “G-d created human beings in the Divine image.” You are wonderful because you are created in the image of Hashem and that Hashem loves you.

Judaism is not a dry, cold religion full of rote laws. It is, however, easy to fall into the mechanical performance of Mitzvot. Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe in his book Alei Shor shares the antidote to this problem as “let us contemplate that the Holy One, Blessed be He, Himself, commanded us in this commandment, and that through it, we are connecting with Him.” Taking a moment to stop and think before performing a mitzvah- not something most of us do.

As we approach Yom Kippur, I rededicate myself to work on my relationship with G-d and to help my children develop theirs. At this time of year, may we “friend” Hashem. I know He will “friend” us back.

The Present is a Gift for Parent- Child Relationships and Teshuva

The Torah reading for the first day of Rosh Hashana comes from Bereishit 21:1-34. There are numerous discussions as to why this section is read at this time. Primarily, one can see the Rosh Hashana themes of Tefilla – prayer and Teshuva- repentance as underlying these pesukim. The second section of this portion is the story of Yishmael and Hagar being sent out from Avraham's home. This story highlights the ultimate compassion of G-d as He saves Yishmael. 21:17, “G-d heard the cry of the youth, and an angel of G- d called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, 'What troubles you, Hagar? Fear not, for G-d has heeded the cry of the youth in his present state'.” “באשר הוא שם" – in his present state, are the words upon which I would like to focus. What are their significance?

Rashi quotes the Midrash that states that when the angels saw Yishmael dying of thirst they turned to G-d and said, “For one whose descendants will eventually force Your children to die of thirst, You will perform a miracle and reveal water?!” (For interest's sake, this is referring to the time when Nevuchadnezzar exiled the Jews to Bavel and the descendants of Yishmael greeted the thirsty Jews with salty food and bread instead of water, and gave them empty jugs filled with just air. When they tried to drink from these jugs, hot air entered their throats aggravating the situation). Hashem responds, “What you say is true, but at this point in time, is Yishmael righteous or wicked?” The angels replied, “Righteous.” Hashem then said, “If so, it is proper to save him, for man is not judged on his future actions. Rather, he is judged in his 'present state' באשר הוא שם– according to the level he is now.” (The parshanim describe that Yishmael must have done Teshuva and therefore was considered righteous).

This story teaches us one of the foundations of Teshuva- that of באשר הוא שם. Even if one's deeds are not of a high level all year long, one should attempt during Chodesh Elul and Aseret Yimei Teshuva to elevate one's deeds – as a person is only judged based on “his present state”- not on his future and not on his past. What a gift!

As a parent, upon thinking about the relationship we have with Hashem during this Teshuva season, I cannot help but contemplate the relationship I have with my children. The Selichot and High Holiday liturgy is replete with the image of G-d being our Father and we are His children “As a father is compassionate with his sons, so too Hashem should have compassion on us.” How can I apply this

באשר הוא שם philosophy to my relationship with my children?

It is inevitable that at some point with teenagers we will find some cause to argue or rebuke. (In fact research indicates that children who do not back down so easily and engage their parents in “spirited discussion” -a.k.a arguments, in an effective manner may actually be able to better withstand peer pressure as they can better calmly, persuasively and persistently argue their standpoints). In having these arguments it is a essential to not bring up the past- focus on the present. If we begin throwing things out that happened months ago and dredge up the past we cannot move forward. And, it goes without saying that we cannot hold a grudge. When the argument is resolved, it is over. If we do not do so, we are saying, “We forgive, but we never forget.” It relays the message to our teens that no matter how hard they try to change, we will never give them a fresh start. We will never see them in the same way again.

Our goal as parents is to let our children know that no matter what they do we will always love them. We will always help them get out of a rut and improve. And, once they improve, we will have faith in them. How many times have I heard students say to me, “No matter what I do, my parents won't ever trust me again.” The message of באשר הוא שם is the gift we can give our children of not holding over them mistakes they have made in the past (as long as they are no longer commiting the same mistakes).

There is another message in the importance of dwelling on the present. This past week, our 7^th graders began their Advisory classes. The theme of their Advisory curriculum is “Prepare Yourself to Change the World,” as they involve themselves in lessons and service learning projects. The first unit focuses on the power that teenagers can have to change the world. We discuss the story of Austin Gutwein, who when he was 9 years old in 2004 decided to raise money for those suffering in Africa by shooting hoops and getting sponsors. Now, in his teens, his program has spread and has raised over $2 million. We do not want our children looking to the future and saying, “When I get older, I'll make a difference and do something important.” We want them to realize that in the present they can be more and do more. This message is crystallized in the words of John Larson, a news correspondent, “I spent a day with Austin and his family and found them inspiring.  His story, I believe, challenges us all. The first thing I thought as I drove to the airport was: 'What was I doing when I was 12?' And then, of course, the next thought: 'What, exactly, am I doing now?'” We are empowering our teenages to achieve something special for others now.

This message also reminds me of what I sometimes hear from our teenagers, “I'll be more religious and be more serious when I go to Israel for the year.” It is as if they are excusing their present behaviors by looking to the future- when it's the present that counts. As parents we need to again empower our teens to realize that “If not now...then when?” (Avot 1:14). And, as the Mishna in Avot 2:5 also states, "V'Al Tomar K'SheEfneh Eshneh Shema Lo Tipaneh", “I will learn when I have time, because maybe you will never have time.” I recently received an e-mail from a childhood friend whose son is a high school senior in a “Modern Orthodox Yeshiva.” Her son recently celebrated the Siyum Hashas as he has actually completed all of Shas for the first time. Wow! That is a teenager who realized the power he has in the present.

As the we begin the new year of 5773 may we find the inspiration in the present to not dwell on past disappointments and challenges, and to not wait for the future. In that merit, may Hashem judge us similarly for a happy and healthy year.