A Timely Talk With Your Teen

I subscribe to a magazine called The Week which attempts to give a brief overview of the week’s news.  In this past week’s edition, I read about the Vatican summit to address the abuse perpetrated by clergy.  Then I read about R. Kelly being jailed following his indictment on 10 counts of aggravated criminal sexual abuse. I then read about Robert Kraft and his being charged with two misdemeanor counts of soliciting prostitutes.  Just when I closed that magazine, I opened the Jewish Standard  and read about the story of Israeli Linor Abargil who was Miss World in 1998 and recently made a documentary about her story of being raped just a few weeks before she won that title. 

This past week as well,  our 7th graders had our yearly Adolescent Life Workshops, (known in other schools as “Health” classes).  (Our 6th and 8th graders will be having them later in the year).   As part of the 7th grade curriculum, we focus on sexual harassment with both our boys and girls.  Additionally, right before the summer, we cover potential harassment/abuse issues that can happen at camp.  The goal of these classes is to educate both our boys and girls as to what sexual harassment is and how to react when they feel they are victims of it. Additionally, it may be difficult for teens to differentiate between flirting and harassment- and we want them to understand the importance of not perpetrating “unwanted flirting,” and not tolerating being the receiver of it, as it is considered sexual harassment.  The students are shown the New Jersey law regarding sexual harassment.  Perpetrators are often peers, but we also highlight the potential for teachers, coaches, counselors, who are in positions of power, to harass.  We discuss why is it that teens often don’t come forward, and the fear of retaliation. Whether the harasser is a peer- and they are afraid of the social repercussions.  Or, if the perpetrator is an adult, there is the fear of the impact on their grades, their status on the team, being threatened, and even that no one will believe them since the teacher/coach etc. is so beloved.

Students learn that sexual harassment can be physical or verbal. In the age of smartphones, texting and social media, the potential for harassment via technology is even stronger.  It becomes a form of cyberbullying. This includes unwanted sexual comments directly towards the person, inappropriate photos or even a sexually suggestive joke passed on.  Sending sexual messages or images is called “sexting,” and teens need to understand why their sending these inappropriate messages, even while in what they think is a relationship with another, can be forever damaging. Things you meant to be private, can find their way into the wrong hands.  As with all of our messages regarding cyber safety, no matter how many times we relay this message to our children, there are those who still take those risks.  That is why, the message needs to come often, from both school and home. 

The key is - anything that makes your child uncomfortable should lead him/her to talk to a trusted adult.  And, no one ever deserves being a harassed. We also stress the important role that the bystander plays.  If a child is worried about a friend, he/she needs to come forward to an adult.  

We invite you, as parents, to take these current events and use them as “teachable moments” to review with your children and to reinforce the above messages. It is hard for us to bring up sensitive topics such as these “out of the blue.”  Having a current event as a springboard for discussion makes the discussion much more natural.

As we discuss the issues with our students, we also stress the Torah’s view when it comes to sexual harassment and abuse. Our seventh graders just recently learned the story of Amnon and Tamar in their Navi classes. When we learn that story we explain, (Avodah Zarah, 36b),  that as a result of Amnon’s rape of Tamar,  Dovid Hamelech instituted the laws of Yichud for an unmarried woman (expanding the biblical law, which did not include single women).  I ask my students why they think Dovid felt the need to do so- to protect women from being abused and to protect us from being overcome by our evil inclinations which often lead to sexual misconduct.  The Torah clearly feels that no one should ever be forced into any behavior which makes him/her feel uncomfortable.  This is a Torah value, and in some ways centuries ahead of the rest of society. 

We also share an article with students called “Teens rarely report online harassment. When they do, they rarely get help” by Caitlin Gibson. The article focuses on how teens have been subjected to sexual harassment through social media.  Gibson quotes a study indicating that our of 300 teens how reported sexual harassment online through receiving “unwelcome or graphic sexual and gender degrading comments” only 60 reported the abuse.  Most reported that they do not report because “nothing is done when they do” and it “wasn’t severe enough.”  Some said they were worried that the situation would get worse if they complained.

We share with the students  this handout when we are done with our session:

What To Do

Remember, the law protects you so that no one can retaliate or take revenge for you reporting him or her.

You can take these other steps to confront sexual harassment:

• Speak up. Tell your harasser to stop. Say that the words or actions are making you uncomfortable.
• Keep a record. Take note of who harassed you, what the person said or did, and how you responded. Write down when and where it happened. Keep any harassing emails, texts, or online postings, too.
• Tell a parent or trusted adult. Sometimes it's hard to know whether events cross the line from teasing to sexual harassment. Talking to an adult can help you figure out what's happening and how to deal with it. If a boss starts scheduling you for early in the morning or late at night so the two of you are working alone, an adult in your life should know.
• If it happened in school, after telling your parents, report it. Tell a teacher, staff member, or your school principal. Share your records of what has happened.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Sixth graders finished up a lesson on working in partners and had the opportunity to play “This is how I roll” – a game to discuss how school is going and what they are feeling about their progress.

Seventh Grade:  This week we were privileged to host Mr. Malcolm Hoenlein the executive vice chairman of the Conference of Presidents of Major American Jewish Organizations, who addressed the 7th grade to launch their next unit in Advisory "Do Not Stand Idly By” on being upstanders and not bystanders,  and standing up for what is right.

Eighth Grade:  As a part  of their unit on substance abuse, students learned of the effects of alcohol.

Good Things Come To Those Who Wait

          As a parent, I have spent many hours in waiting rooms.  The other day I was reflecting with a friend of mine how my waiting room behaviors have drastically changed over the years.  I used to come with a book to read, an activity to do with my child, but now I spend most of the time on my phone catching up on e-mails. (That is when I am not finishing davening!)  Being in a waiting room used to be my time to disconnect and breathe. Now, I find myself unable to do so.

            I recently read an article by Rabbi Emanuel Feldman called “The Waiting Room.” He humorously notes that the waiting room in his barber shop in Jerusalem has sefarim for Talmud Torah, so much so that “some men are beginning to choose their barbers on the basis of the classical sefarim that are available, rather than the skill of the barber. (Which might explain why Torah scholarship is on the increase, while so  many beards are in disarray).”  He goes on to say that the same has begun to happen in the auto mechanics’ waiting rooms.   Rabbi Feldman continues that life is in actuality one big waiting area. We are constantly waiting- whether for a train, a vacation day etc.  We are in “never-ending waiting mode,”  with the ultimate waiting- for the Mashiach “achakeh lo b’chol yom sheyavo” - I wait for him each day that comes.  We are not judged by our ability to wait patiently, but what we do while we are waiting.   I was reminded of a story I once read of a physician who worked at the top floor of a tall building. Since he spent so much time in the elevator, he used to take out a sefer to learn as he went up and down each day.   He ended up making a siyum on that which he only learned while waiting in the elevator.

            Rabbi Feldman refers to the Mishna in Avot 4:21   “This world is a vestibule/antechamber leading to the inner chamber, which is the World To Come.  Prepare  yourself in the vestibule so you can gain admission into the banquet hall- the Next World.”   While we wait there are numerous distractions and temptations and we need to choose what we plan to do in the waiting room. “Do we choose immediate gratification?  Readily available.  Thoughtful corner?  Right over there...Whatever one desires- from right and wrong, to fun and games, to serious introspection- is available within easy reach in This World.” There are so many choices. No wonder we get disoriented.  

            I often see middle school as the “vestibule” or “waiting room”  years. Outgrowing childhood, and entering adulthood- neither here nor there.  As our children become true middle schoolers, they still rely on us, but thirst for independence- neither here nor there.  They still hold on to aspects of concrete thinking, while moving towards abstract thinking.  Those of us who have had 7th graders before can see the transition that magically happens between sixth and eighth grades that year.  They are not children. They are not teenagers. They are “tweens” just waiting to grow up.

            Rabbi Feldman stresses that the time spent waiting need not be frustrating nor a waste of time. It can be a time of learning, growth and development. Likewise, I believe that the middle school years are the most important developmentally and in no way just biding time until our children grow up.  The middle school years are critical when it comes to academic readiness and readiness for life. 

            Thinking back to all those years in the waiting room, I would often watch how parents interact with their children. Although, I do believe it is important not to judge the parenting style of another based on one observation, one might be able to gain some insight into a person's parenting style by how they “handle” that waiting room time, notes the article “The Parenting Style Continuum” on the website Family Education.  They identify their own creative categories of parenting.  The bossy parent is the one who yells at his child in the waiting room. His word is law and rarely gives reasons for the behavior expected. He often threatens the child.  Children of bossy parents tend to follow orders when their parents are around, but do not internalize the behaviors. 

            The opposite of the bossy parent is the wimpy parent. This parent never asserts herself in the waiting room and allows her child to run wild.  She may threaten consequences but never follows through.

            Then there is the “strong and reasonable parent”- authoritative without being authoritarian. He is good at setting limits and applying appropriate consequences, but his children know that he is reasonable and will always love them and be on their side no matter what.

            The same three types of parenting styles are evident in the “waiting room” of the middle school years.  Research clearly indicates that authoritative parenting is the most effective form of parenting.  Children raised by authoritative parents are the most well- adjusted, creative, curious and motivated to succeed.  They also grow with competent social skills, have self-control,  are independent and confident. There is a fine balance between being responsive- understanding, warm and empathic, and demanding- setting appropriate limits, boundaries and expectations suited for the developmental stage of the child.

            There is one more item we learn about parenting from the “waiting room,” as noted in “From Waiting To Relating: Parents’ Experiences In The Waiting Room Of An Occupational Therapy Clinic” a research study. They studied parents as they waited as their children received occupational therapy.  They noticed that these parents formed a sort of support group for each other and naturallly gave and received support for parenting children with sensory integrative dysfunction.   Parents need and benefit from that mutual support when raising their children and the waiting room phenomenon demonstrated that need.  This waiting room research points to another key to parenting successfully in the middle school years- seeking out the support of parents who are going through it at the same time.

            Rabbi Dovid Rosenfeld in his commentary on Avot 4:21, quotes Rabbi Zelig Pliskin.  

 Scenario #1: You are a new employee, first day on the job. Your new boss is pestering and annoying you to no end — with poorly-defined tasks, outbursts, criticism, provocation. Your attitude: “What do I need this for? This is unbearable! Why did I take this stupid job? Who needs it?” The type of anger and frustration many of us are unfortunately all too familiar with.

Scenario #2: The exact same as scenario #1, with one crucial difference: A new coworker quietly comes over to you at the start of the day with the following warning: “The position this company actually wants to fill is that of vice president. It is a top position, one of the most pivotal, influential and high-paying in the company. However, it carries with it a lot of pressure. The owners are looking for a person who has what it takes to handle the kind of pressure, frustration, deadlines and juggling of responsibilities it will entail. Today they will be checking you out to see if you can remain cool and composed under those types of circumstances.”

Hmmm… VP? The position you’ve been dreaming of climbing to ever since you embarked on your career? What will your response be to the provocations and intimidation of your new boss be now? Eager anticipation! “Lay it on me! Let me show what I’m made of! This is my big chance!”

This is life. Life is a preparation for the world to come. The challenges of life “refine, toughen and purify us for our ultimate meeting.”   And, as a parent of a middle schooler, I often remind myself of the “banquet” that is awaiting.  It may be tough now, at times, but I eagerly look forward to the wonderful adult my child will one day be.  

As we approach the chag of Purim, Rabbi Mordechai Gifter, ztl referred to our mishna in Avot about the vestibule in preparation for the banquet hall again. Geulah, and the light of redemption is the banquet hall. The murkiness of this world, when the hand of G-d is hidden, that is the vestibule.  It is possible to see the light of the banquet hall shining through while still in the vestibule waiting.  In fact, is it incumbent on all of us to search for that shimmer of light even while still in the vestibule.  That is our ability to recognize the Divine even when there are no obvious miracles.

So many messages from a simple waiting room.  The wait typically is seen as a waste of time.  Next time you find yourself waiting, or raising a middle schooler who is going through the “waiting years,” contemplate the deep meaning of the waiting room, and consider, “How can this waiting room experience help me grow?  What am I doing while I am waiting?  Am I doing everything I can to develop while I wait?”

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students discussed how to effectively partner with another child in group work and what to do when you have a hard time getting along with your partner.

Seventh Grade:  Boys discussed the dangers of gambling, as March Madness begins. Girls talked about girls’ aggression.  

Eighth Grade: Students began a unit on Substance Abuse and focused on the damage substances can do to your brain.

Proactive Prevention

            This Tuesday and Wednesday, as parents,  we will be working on protecting our middle schoolers from two areas of potential addiction. The first is phone addiction. As Ana Homayan writes in her article “Is Your Child A Phone Addict?”

“ A 2016 survey from Common Sense Media found that half of teenagers felt addicted to their devices, and 78 percent checked their devices at least hourly. Seventy-two percent of teens felt pressured to respond immediately to texts, notifications and social media messaging. A 2015 Pew Research report found that 73 percent of 13- to 17-year-olds had their own smartphones or had access to one, and 24 percent said they were online ‘almost constantly...For some teens, the constant potential feedback loop from notifications and messaging might create a fear of missing out, or FOMO. And although there is currently no official medical recognition of ‘smartphone addiction’ as a disease or disorder, the term refers to obsessive behaviors that disturb the course of daily activities in a way that mirrors patterns similar to substance abuse.”

This week, in the Jewish Standard, a 9th grader, Felicia Stendig speaks of her two weeks without her cellphone and how it allowed her to return to “drawing, reading, and even revising some of my uncompleted work while my other classmates were on their phones.”   She learned that if you “hide behind your phone, you can miss out on life’s biggest opportunities.” 

            Here is a link to an article I wrote some weeks ago about cellphone addiction and our teens and what our Yavneh Academy Technology Committee has worked on, under the leadership of our YPAA, to establish suggested guidelines: ”Cellphones Continued”.  

In the article, I also referred to the unified shut-off times about which we surveyed the parents. This Tuesday we will be sending out the results of the unified shut-off times for grades 3-8. Our middle schoolers will be introduced to these shut-off times for a few minutes after Tefilla on Tuesday. What is then the parent's role? To discuss these shut-off times with your children and so that we as parents can unite and help our children disconnect together.

            The second area of addiction that we as Yavneh parents will be targeting is substance use and particularly vaping, which has struck the middle school age as well.  Rabbi Knapp, members of the middle school administrative team and myself have been an integral part of the Communities Confronting Substance Abuse (CCSA) organization, started by Lianne and Etial Forman, who are members of our community and have a daughter who began substance use in her middle school years.  The Formans have brought all the Bergen county yeshivot together to brainstorm and plan when it comes to educating our students, our faculty and our parents.  In fact, our middle school faculty went through the first training offered through the CCSA and the School and Family Services for the Center for Alcohol and Drug Resources on substance use risk factors and vaping just a few weeks ago.  This training explored what it is like to be a middle schooler in 2019 and what schools can do to support youth in their social and emotional development along with their academic development. The presentation also educated faculty on what substance abuse issues middle schoolers are exposed to, what to look out for in the classroom, and what to do if a student needs help.

            To continue the focus on parent education, as you have read in the e-mails you have received, we will join with the other local middle schools this Wednesday in partnership with CCSA and the Bergen County Prevention Coalition,  to sponsor an event entitled “Hidden in Plain Sight,” an interactive program where parents will be able to observe a mock-up of a teenager’s bedroom and where alcohol, drugs and other paraphernalia could be hidden. There will also be a Q&A session with the prevention experts from the Coalition.  This will be an important evening that parents do not want to miss.  If you did not get a chance to read Etiel Forman’s article in The Jewish Link on the dangers of vaping facing our teens and the importance of this evening, please read his article ”Just When You Thought Nicotine Addiction Was Declining: Talking To Our Children About Vaping”  

            As we celebrate President’s Day, I consider a quote from President George Washington, which explains the importance of the two initiatives I have described.  “Experience teaches us that it is much easier to prevent an enemy from posting themselves than it is to dislodge them after they have got possession.”   We know that Hashem often creates the “refuah lifnei hamaka” - the cure even before the plague has begun.  As parents and educators, we focus on prevention and need to be proactive and strengthen ourselves so that the plague does not strike.  Since I began prevention educations over 20 years ago, I have come to see how essential it is to begin this education in middle school.  Parents used to say to me, “This doesn’t apply to me now. My child is only a ‘tween.’” Why wait until the enemy of addiction (whether digital or substance) is in our homes?  Once it strikes that enemy is difficult to “dislodge” after he has taken “possession” of our children. 

            So, as parents, we have two jobs this week  to proactively target the addiction facing our teens.  First, we are considering sharing and enforcing the device shut-off times with our children. Second, we are trying to attend the Hidden In Plain Sight parent workshop at BPY  Wednesday evening.  I look forward to seeing you there.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade; Our sixth graders are knee deep in their organization unit and focused on cleaning out their lockers and bookbags.

Seventh Grade: Students focused on the positive impact of affirmations and positive self- talk in combatting daily stress.

Eighth Grade: Cheating and sports were the area of focus this week- spurred on by the Patriots’ win.  How lessons about cheating can we learn from celebrities in the media?  Are we immune?  

Superbowl Champions- Lessons For Life

As the Patriots won their sixth Superbowl last week, it was clear that hatred of the Patriots had become widespread. (This, despite the fact that the Patriots’ owner, Robert Kraft, has been an outspoken supporter of Israel and a Jewish philanthropist who recently was awarded Israel’s 2019 Genesis Prize).  There are numerous hypotheses suggested for why this dislike of the Patriots has proliferated. One such suggestion has been that they are cheaters.  Perhaps due to the 2015’s Deflategate, where they were accused of having deflated footballs, (illegal as it makes the balls easier to control).  This scandal led to a four-game suspension for Tom Brady.  Then, of course, the rumor that the visitor’s locker room in the Patriot’s home field, Gilette stadium, is bugged so they can spy on the opposing team. Then there is Spygate, where they illegally videotaped the hand signals of the opposing team. With all this in mind, the Patriots have developed a reputation for being cheaters.

 This discussion is definitely a “ Superbowl teachable moment” for our children. (In Advisory we will discuss with the 8th graders, who happen to be in the middle of a unit about cheating, what we can learn from this “Patriot hatred”).  Here are some issues to bring to the fore:

a. “The best indicator of future performance is past behavior.” Because the Patriots have cheated in the past they have lost our trust. Where does the loss of trust come into play here?  We ask our children,   “How does that apply to our lives? In general, how does our behavior (good or bad) reflect on who we are and impact the impression people have of us?  How might our behavior impact the loss of trust with our parents or  friends?” It is important for children to realize that when we choose to act in a certain way it does not only impact that moment. It also impacts our future.

b. It takes time to build one’s reputation and a good reputation can be lost in an instant.  “How does one develop a good and honest reputation? Why is that important?”

c. Success at all costs- “If you win or succeed, but cheated to get there, is it worth it? How will that feel?”

            In David Wagner’s 2015 article, “NFL Cheating Scandal: 4 Lessons For CIOs, he outlines some other takeaways for our children.  Wagner writes, “So if the recent allegations are true, the team doesn't get to go to the Super Bowl, right? They get fired, right? They're never allowed in the NFL again, right? Isn't that how it works in your enterprise? You cheat or you steal and you go home, right?”  In life, cheaters do at times prosper.  I still recall, in a different school, the story of the salutatorian whom everyone knew cheated on tests. Our children will experience situations where cheaters will get ahead.  Discuss with them how frustrating this can be. But,  how about those of us who don't cheat- how does it make us feel? How can we deal with that frustration while sticking to our values and even being proud of the fact that we won’t cheat to get ahead?

            “Beware the ‘everybody does it’ assumption.” This is often a common excuse for cheating.  Does it make it okay? “Exchange the ‘everybody does it’ mindset with the ‘you will get caught and it does matter’ rule.”

 “ Intent matters more than the outcome.” Some might maintain, “No harm, no foul, right?” or “My cheating does not harm anyone else, so what is the difference?”  But, this is not the case.

And, then there is the discussion about whether it matters, as highlighted in the article

“Why is Cheating in Sports Such a Big Deal?”  “If the purpose of sports is to provide you with entertainment for 3 hours on a Saturday afternoon, then does it really matter if players are taking steroids, scuffing baseballs, holding without the ref’s calling it, or lying about who touched the ball last before it went out of bounds?”  We discuss with our students whether we can look up to an athlete (or for that matter, a singer, actor etc.), who has done something immoral.  

            In 2018, Hasbro came out with a new game called Monopoly’s Cheaters Edition.  As Lisa Milibrand writes in her article, “Is Monopoly's New ‘Cheaters Edition’ Giving Kids the Wrong Idea?”If Monopoly is to be believed, cheaters can indeed prosper. That's the MO behind the newest version of the game, the Cheaters Edition, which encourages you to bend and break the rules to come out ahead and win it all. The game pushes players to sneak cash out of another player's stash, underpay their rent, or shortchange an opponent when giving them money back on their rent in order to line their pockets. (Though apparently, if they do get caught, they might end up in jail—which at least lends a bit of a consequence and risk to the proceedings.)

            Milibrand wonders if the wrong message is being sent to our children by this new game- that a little cheating is okay as long as you come out a winner.  As Alyson Schaefer, author of Honey, I Wrecked the Kids, asserts, "Play is supposed to help kids learn. But the difference between fantasy and reality for younger kids is not always clear. Teaching them to win at any cost—they'll translate these strategies into other things, like forging parents' signature, or copying off someone's exam page."

Our yeshiva children are not at all immune. In 2011, an SAT cheating scandal, involving some Jewish high school students broke and was a source of embarrassment for our community. Why do students cheat? The intense pressure for certain grades. And, as noted in the article “Cheating easy as A-B-C- Students say grade pressure, classroom culture pushes them to cut corners” By Jennifer Anderson, this intense pressure is noted. Overall the culture has changed.  “In the 1980s, there was a considerable amount of social condemnation for cheating. Now, there’s little social condemnation for most forms of cheating. As cheating has become more prevalent, he says, the cultural values and norms of society have shifted. And now that cheating is the dominant behavior, it’s become the social norm. Social norms, by their very nature, are not wrong.”

We raise our children to understand that cheating is in fact, “gneivat daat” - “stealing one’s mind”  or misleading or deceiving which is an actual form of theft. As the Rambam in Hilchot Deot 2:6 shares that “What he feels in his heart should be the same as the words on his lips.”  Whether by returning the extra change that the shopkeeper accidentally gave, going back to the store when you realize an item was placed in your bag for which you did not pay, or refusing to fudge the age of a child to get the underage fee at the movies, we are daily role models of living lives free from deceit.  

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students began a unit on Organization skills and learned the P.A.C.K. method for organizing.

Seventh Grade:  Students learned about negative thinking and types of negative self-talk that hold us back in life.

Eighth Grade: Students focused on why students cheat.

Coping With Rejection In Life

This week’s Jewish Link contained an article by Rabbi Larry Rothwachs “The High School Admissions Process: A Plea on Behalf of Our Children” at https://www.jewishlinknj.com/features/29321-the-high-school-admissions-process-a-plea-on-behalf-of-our-children. In it, Rabbi Rothwachs discusses the reality of the limited number of seats in our local high schools and the pain felt by the children who are rejected.  Working in a middle school, I have come to truly understand the anxiety of our 8th graders before they hear from the high schools, and then the deep sadness and shame felt by those who do not get into the schools of their choice.   We attempt, as best as we can, to help those students understand that it is not necessarily a reflection of a lacking on their part, and whichever school gets them is lucky to have them.  And, even when the school to which they are admitted may even be in the long-term the best choice for the child, the rejection is so painful.  Thank you to Rabbi Rothwachs for bringing this issue to the consciousness of our community.

 (Please note that we do discuss with the children in Advisory how to manage their acceptances and rejections.  We share:

1. We know that your first reaction will be to share the news with everyone via social media.  Remember that your “great” news may be someone else’s “bad” news. Meaning, how hurtful and painful it is when you are gloating that you got in when your friend did not.  We recommend staying private with your news.
2. You will all be going to high school and all our high schools are wonderful- even if you did not get into the one of your choice. If you did not get in- there is no obligation on your part to run and tell your friends either. You are entitled to your privacy and it’s okay to tell your friends, “I don’t know where I am going yet”- as you may be still reaching out to your first choice to discuss getting in. There’s no “mitzvah” to feel vulnerable with your friends.  
3. We are all available to discuss with you no matter what the outcome).

Our children, unfortunately, will all face some rejection in life. Whether it’s an admission to a school, being “dumped” by a girlfriend, inviting his friend to a superbowl get-together and being turned down for the “cooler” party, not making the team etc.  As parents, our first step is to validate their feelings, “I know you really hoped to get into that college. It must be so upsetting.”  It is important that we keep our cool and not overreact when they are rejected and not, for example, get angry at the coach for his not making the team.  Be supportive rather than angry, which can just exacerbate her feelings of rejection. We need to stress to our children that their value is not linked to their achievements, but more importantly to their character.  In general, as they grow, we need to underscore that failure is a learning experience even though it might feel terrible. In life, not everyone is going to like us or want us, but that is okay. We need to help our children feel that “Yes, I may not be his girlfriend anymore, but there are better relationships out there for me.”  or “I didn’t get into that school, but in reality, there are excellent opportunities in the other school.”   At times, rejection stories from our own lives are helpful and can bridge the gap between us and our children.  We need to get the sense of whether they are ready to hear those stories.  We can model for them how we dealt and deal with rejection.  As parents, we can also try to help lift their spirits. Go to a movie, get your nails done- something to show you are there for them and life will go on.

When all else fails, when it comes specifically to high school admissions, Frank Bruni wrote a book about college admissions Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be: An Antidote to the College Admissions Mania. He stresses not to give the admissions process so much importance. Rather, he says “…the nature of a student’s college experience—the work that he or she puts into it, the skills that he or she picks up, the self-examination that’s undertaken, the resourcefulness that’s honed—matters more than the name of the institution attended.”  Who he will become in the next four years, which is integrally connected to the wonderful qualities your child has inside of him,  is more important that the name of the high school he attends. 

One other important perspective to help deal with rejection is emunah. I know it might sound “cheesy” or “frumie”  but in my discussions with disappointed teens, the focus on emunah truly works.  Last year, I learned a piece of a book called Living  Emunah for Teens by Rabbi David Ashear along with some 8th graders.  In the book, he gives many practical ideas that lead to emunah.  Rabbi Ashear’s book starts with “Letters from G-d” “Good night, Leah. Listen, I know you feel bad about the C you got on your test, and the D you got in your other class, and all your other grades.  But don’t worry.  Pretty soon someone is going to suggest a change for you. You are going to be successful and also meet your best friend for life.  Forget about the grades and go to sleep. Remember, Leah, I love you.”  

“Good morning, Reuven. I just want you to know that today, your friend Yaakov is going to say something that will seem thoughtless and insulting.  But don’t worry. If you overlook it, all will be well. And, that toothache- it will become a little cavity instead of a root canal.  Remember, whatever happens, it’s coming from Me.  I’m looking out for you.”

 Imagine if, throughout the day, you found messages from Hashem.  When you faced a challenge, He would let you know that He sees what you’re going through and has the whole situation in hand.  When something good happened, it came with a note attached that said,’This is something special, just for you.’ There would be no greater source of courage, comfort, and joy in our lives.  We would have no worries. We would feel pampered and protected at all times, even in the midst of something that would otherwise be unpleasant.  If you can imagine living like this, then you can imagine what life is like for someone who lives with rock-solid emunah.

            Upon reading these words I immediately thought of my Zeidi, a”h.  My grandfather was a Holocaust survivor who lost most of his family.  And, yet he always had emunah, and complete confidence in the future. No matter what happened in life, he was always able to see the positive.  His belief that G-d was doing all for the best, helped him see the cup half full instead of half empty.  I truly feel that his emunah was the secret to both his spiritual and financial success in life.  Emunah helps us deal with disappointment and rejection. From a young age, if we can remind our children that both good and not so good events come from G-d, then they can more easily cope with any situation that lies ahead.

           

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade:  Sixth graders discussed real-life 6th grade scenarios acted out by our teachers and brainstormed solutions to manage the situations.

Seventh Grade: Students learned about skills leading to seeing negative situations with positive “glasses.”

Eight Grade: Students began a unit on cheating and its practical applications in their lives. 

Cellphone Addiction And Teens

           On December 31, in the New York Times Opinion column, Paul Greenberg wrote his article “In Search of Lost Screen Time” “Imagine what we could do with our money, and hours, if we set our phones aside for a year. More than three-quarters of all Americans own a smartphone. In 2018 those 253 million Americans spent $1,380 and 1,460 hours on their smartphone and other mobile devices. That’s 91 waking days; cumulatively, that adds up to 370 billion waking American hours and $349 billion.”  Greenberg then goes on to list different projects in which we could engage in 2019 instead of that phone time.  One such example is that it takes approximately 700 hours to learn a language. If we put aside our phones, we could learn two languages.  

            When Rabbi Ross alerted me to this article, I knew that I couldn’t pass up this week on part 2 of my “cell phone sermon.”  Not only because of this article but because of the follow-up e-mails from parents, after last week’s column.  (Yes, there were still New Year’s parties’ photos posted!)  The Times column clearly shows that as adults we have a difficult time “disconnecting.” Dr. David Pelcovitz often quotes a July 2014 study from Science Magazine where subjects who were told to shut off their devices became so distressed that when they were offered an opportunity to administer electroshock to relieve that distress 67% of the men and 25% of the women did so. We cannot tolerate the discomfort of putting away our phones. How much more so do our teens struggle!

            I referred last week to the article by Yonasan Rosenblum “Our Children Are Begging Us To Stop.” He quotes Chris Anderson, former editor of Wired as comparing the technology we have today to crack cocaine.  “It is beyond the capacity of parents to control...it’s going straight to the pleasure centers of the developing brains.”  A South Korean study of teens showed that “teens with internet and smartphone addictions showed certain levels of neurotransmitter that results in a reduced level of controls and ability to concentrate without distraction.”   A Pew research study from May 2018 says that teens admitting to always being on the internet is 45%, almost doubling from 2014 when it was 24%. A 2016 Common Sense Media survey found that half of teens considered themselves addicted to their phones and other devices.  72% shared that they feel pressured to respond immediately to texts, notifications, and social media postings.

            Is there truly such a thing as “cell phone addiction”? As Ana Homayoun notes in her January 17, 2018, New York Times article “Is Your Child a Phone ‘Addict’?”
“although there is currently no official medical recognition of ‘smartphone addiction’ as a disease or disorder, the term refers to obsessive behaviors that disturb the course of daily activities in a way that mirrors patterns similar to substance abuse.”

Here are some questions to ask: Does your teenager’s mood suddenly change and become intensely anxious, irritable, angry or even violent when the phone is taken away or unavailable for use? Does your teen skip or not participate in social events because of time spent on the phone? Another red flag is spending so much time on a smartphone that it affects personal hygiene and normal daily activities (most notably, sleep). Lying, hiding and breaking family rules to spend more time on a smartphone can be cause for alarm, said Hilarie Cash, the chief clinical officer at reSTART, an internet addiction rehabilitation program outside of Seattle.

 Rosenblum also quotes the Atlantic article “Have Smartphones Destroyed A Generation?”  by Jean Twenge. Twenge studied the generation she calls iGen born between 1995 and 2012, who have “grown up with smartphones, has an Instagram account before they start high school, and do not remember a time before the internet.” As parents of middle schoolers, she shares research that:  Eighth-graders who spend 10 or more hours a week on social media are 56 percent more likely to say they’re unhappy than those who devote less time to social media.

            And, let us not forget the impact of cell phone use on our children’s grades.  A study conducted by the London School of Economics found that banning smartphones led to a clear improvement in scores.  Each week I speak to parents, students, and teachers who are worried about their own or their child ’s low performance in school.  Often, when digging through the issue, we uncover that the phone is constantly by the child’s side while studying and doing homework.  The phone is continually competing for their child’s attention and he/she is clearly not focused on the task at hand.  No phones during homework time is often the solution.

            The climax of Rosenblum’s article is a survey to which he refers conducted on Yeshiva and seminary students by Debbie Fox. Over 50% of respondents shared that they wish their parents put more restrictions on their device usage.  And, so, let us listen to our teens!  Let us have time limits on their phone usage, with devices charged not in their bedrooms during the shut-down time.  They are begging us to help them stop- during homework time, during sleep time and even when out enjoying their friends.  With family vacations come up soon, phone usage and limits is an issue we should already be pondering.

            It states in Shemot 32:16 "V'haluchot ma'aseh Elokim heima v'hamichtav michtav Elokim hu charut al haluchot - The Tablets were God's handiwork, and the script was the script of God, engraved on the Tablets.” The Mishna in Avot 6:2 comments on this pasuk,  "Al tikrei charut ela chairut she-ein lecha ben chorin ela mi she-oseik b'talmud Torah, she-kol mi she-oseik b'Torah harei zeh mitaleh - do not read charut (engraved), rather chairut (free), only one who studies Torah is free because anyone who studies Torah becomes elevated.” This idea is counterintuitive as we know the mitzvot have so many restrictions, how does that facilitate freedom? True freedom is internal freedom- freedom from urges and desires. Otherwise, one is a “slave”  to one's instinct.  We need to help our children and free them from “digital enslavement.”

            The ideal is to establish some limits and guidelines before we hand the phones to our children the first time. These rules should include when the phone is allowed to be used and the consequences for not following the rules. Apps that help parents monitor use are key. Apple’s Family Sharing and Google Play have settings to help parents monitor use, and most phone carriers have their own parental control options. “Devices like Circle and apps like OurPact give parents the ability to automate access, disable access to certain apps after a certain hour and build in structured time off to promote rest.”  And, of course, there is the importance of our being role models in our abilities to shut down and put away the phones.  

            That brings us back to the Yavneh Parent Committee Suggested Technology Guidelines. We, Yavneh faculty, are grateful to our parents for spearheading this campaign and in particular to Jennifer Hooper and Susan Nadritch, chairs of our parent education committee, and Rachel Jacobs and Keren Nussbaum YPAA presidents.  We are also glad to see how many parents have joined this endeavor and have begun implementing the parent committee guidelines in their homes. Our YPAA  presidents just sent you an e-mail this past week as a follow-up to the guidelines (which were reattached to that e-mail) regarding unified grade shut-off times. Please take the time to fill out the survey and help us as parents unite to help our children.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Students set goals for this coming trimester and discussed how to achieve those goals.

Seventh Grade:  The girls continued their unit on coping with adversity in life focusing on the importance of mindset and grit.  (The boys have missed class the past two weeks due to early dismissals)

Eighth Grade: Students focused on better understanding the parent role in order to better empathize with parents and their needs and worries for us.

FOMO, Posting and Teen Loneliness

            “A bride who upon being presented with jewelry by her groom in the yichud room promptly took a selfie and sent it out. At the very moment she should have been laying the foundation for a life with her new husband that is shared only by them and out of sight of the entire world, she was inviting the entire world into their private space.”  This truly has gone too far, as Yonatan Rosenblum writes in his article “Our Children Are Begging Us To Stop.”  Even the privacy of the Yichud room is posted for the world to see. We are living in a world where if it hasn’t been posted it hasn’t happened.

            The impact of this constant posting of photos of events, sleepovers, parties, trips to the mall etc. has had a terrible impact on our teens and the constant feeling of being left out.  It is no wonder that from 2007 to 2015 teen suicide has jumped 300% among girls and 200% among boys.  (There may be other reasons for that, which I plan to discuss at a different time, but most definitely the sadness caused by being left out plays a tremendous role).  FOMO is a constant worry for our children.  FOMO- fear of missing out was added to the Oxford English dictionary in 2013 “anxiety that an exciting or interesting event may currently be happening elsewhere, often aroused by posts seen on a social media website.”  When viewing the posts of events to which he/she was not invited, the person assumes that it must be because of his/her low social status.  We all know that as children we also were not always invited. But, we often did not find out about it and definitely not  in real-time

FOMO is a significant component of social media anxiety experienced by our teens. As Sherri Gordon writes in her article “How FOMO Impacts Teens And Young Adults” “The problem is that incessant worrying about what everyone else is doing only causes teens to miss out on their own lives even more. In fact, FOMO causes people to keep their attention focused outward instead of inward. This, in turn, may cause them to lose their sense of identity and to struggle with low self-esteem. But worse yet, when they are struggling with FOMO, that means they are so focused on what others on doing that they forget to live their own lives.”  Research has shown that the more people use social media the worse they feel minute to minute. 60% of teens say they worry their friends are having fun without them.  51% say they are anxious that they don’t know what their friends are doing. And, this anxiety comes from worry about their friends!   There is a most definite correlation between the amount of time spent on social media and anxiety and depression.  This constant social media posting leads to less satisfaction with their lives and loneliness. 

Amanda Lenhart in her 2015 Pew study of teens, technology, and friendships reveals a range of social media-induced stressors:
-Seeing people posting about events to which you haven’t been invited
-Feeling pressure to post positive and attractive content about yourself
-Feeling pressure to get comments and likes on your posts
-Having someone post things about you that you cannot change or control

Research from the 2015 study, #Being Thirteen: Social Media and the Hidden World of Young Adolescents’ Peer Culture, finds that, “Young adolescents care deeply about being included by peers, and at this developmental stage, most have one peer group on which they stake their souls: peers at school. If they see something on social media suggesting that they are not included in this group, the stakes are high and young adolescents can quickly become anxious and desperate.” Study data shows that “one in five (13-year-olds) checks social media in order to make sure that no one is saying anything mean about them. More than one-third check to see if their friends are doing things without them.”

I have already had a child express upset about the upcoming New Year’s celebrations which he knows he won’t be invited to, and knows will be posted for all to see.  How does he even know these events are happening? His peers have already started posting about these parties… that haven’t even happened yet.  (This conversation is actually what prompted me to write this article).

What can we do as parents?  The first and most essential item is stress to your children how hurtful it is to other children when they are posting photos of an event to which others are not invited.  As adults, such posting can also be hurtful, how much more so for teens.  We also should model that “non-posting” behavior in front of our teens. When we are getting together with a select few, or our children are,  let’s not post.  Encourage your child to be an “upstander” and not be a part of the posting that perpetuates that FOMO. 

When our children do see that post and feel left out, acknowledge that it is normal to feel left out. Let us help our teens view social media with a skeptical eye. Of course, not everyone is having the time of their lives at all times.  Whatever we can do to distract our children from constant social media watching is a huge help, or even scheduling specific times when they are allowed to check. (Stay tuned for more on limiting device time in the next weeks).

And, to quote myself from a previous column, “I know I have discussed this before, but it bears repeating.  Social media is a powerful tool when it comes to social exclusion.  Snapchat, instagram- again, without directly being “mean” to another, one can hurt others.  Every time a child posts a photo of party he’s gone to or a shopping expedition with friends, another realizes he was left out.  I am not saying that one is not entitled to go out with a few friends. But, why wound those who were not invited?   ‘I thought I was her friend. But, then I realized I must not be, as everyone was there except for me.’  How hurtful can one be?”  We know that not everyone will be invited to every New Year’s party- but no need to rub the faces of the other children in the fact that they weren’t invited.

Advisory Update:

Sixth Grade: Now that they received their report cards, they set goals for the coming trimester.

Seventh Grade:  Students began their unit “When Life Gives You Lemons” and began discussing resiliency.

Eighth Grade: Students began a unit of parent-child relationships.