What Are Our Chlidren Seeing At The Movies?

 There's an old joke that Jewish people have Chinese and go the movies on Christmas Day. At Yavneh, our middle schoolers will have a Yom Iyun and a chesed opportunity. But, since we do have only a half day of school, perhaps some families will opt to go to the movies. The search for family movies is not an easy one.

Many of our teens are not going to the movies with us anymore, but are being dropped off at the theater with their friends. The decision of when a child is old enough to go to the movies alone with friends depends on the child. But, assume your child is old enough- how can we ensure that they are watching movies that we deem appropriate? I have heard from numerous parents that they are setting strict guidelines as to what movies their children are allowed to watch, and yet their children might say, “I am the only one who isn't allowed to see that movie!” Often our children claim that we are the only “evil” parents who restrict them, and we find that claim to be untrue.

Why are we so firm about the movies our children are allowed to see? The pasuk in Bamidbar 15:39 states,  "לא תתורו אחרי לבבכם ואחרי עיניכם "Do not stray after your heart and after your eyes” . Rashi states that “The heart and the eyes are spies for the body. The eye sees, the heart desires and the body commits the sin.” That which we view with our eyes makes an indelible imprint on our life view.

Modern psychological research has substantiated the assertion of Rashi in Bamidbar 15:39. We all know of the plethora of research concerning the impact of watching violence on TV, movies or games on violent tendencies in children.

Most recently, in studies in both the United States and Europe, teens who have high exposure to scenes of alcohol drinking in movies are twice as likely to experiment with drinking and to binge drink. The same was found with smoking. Studies at the Dartmouth- Hitchcock Cotton Cancer Center in New Hampshire found that the more children were exposed to smoking in movies, the more likely they were to try smoking. If they got rid of the exposure in movies, the risk went down by 18%. Based on this study, there are those who are trying to get an “R” rating for movies with smoking.

Another intuitive area impacted by movie watching is the teen's attitude towards sexuality. A Dartmouth University study showed the kids who watched movies with more sexual content are more likely to have sex at younger ages and demonstrate increased risk taking when it comes to sexuality. In addition to promoting sexual behavior, it is also desensitizing our teens to the promiscuity and risque relationships that have become commonplace in today's society. When I run my “Adolescent Life” workshops with the middle schoolers we discuss with the 8^th graders, (in separate gendered settings), what is their view of what a relationship should be? We then highlight how much of what we perceive relationships to be is based on what we see on television and movies, and not at all realistic. What does the media tell us relationships should be like and how does that differ from Judaism's view? I worry that our young people are growing up with images of relationships that can only set them up for failure.

(Similar findings can be found with reality shows. The Girls Scouts Research Institute recently conducted a survey that girls who watched reality shows were more inclined to focus on their appearance. Such a focus puts undue pressure on girls who are already feeling insecure about how they look. Those who watched the shows also stated that “the shows are reflective of real life and that the antics, such as lying and being mean, are normal, acceptable and ultimately the best methods for excelling in life. Some alarming results: 73% of teens believed that the shows demonstrated that fighting is a normal part of a romantic relationship. 70% said the shows make people think it's okay to treat others badly. 78% said that gossiping between girls is normal. And 63% said it's hard to trust other girls).

What can we as parents do? Clearly, the movies our teens watch affect their social, emotional, and spiritual development. We cannot preview every movie before our children watch them. But, we can visit invaluable sites like: www.parentpreviews.com and www.commonsensemedia.org. These are just two websites that rate movies based on for what age is this movie appropriate? They discuss language, sexuality, violence, sex, positive role models, consumerism, drinking/drugs/smoking and positive messages. Such ratings are essential- especially for PG13 movies. With information in hand, we can make decisions for our children. We need to do the homework to oversee that our children are being exposed to media that “ teaches responsible, and ethical behavior.”

If all of us, as parents, are checking these websites before we allow our children to watch a particular movie, we will all be in this together. We are then not the evil ones when we see a concerning review on these websites and do not allow them to watch that movie. Let us help each other as parents and support each other.

Just to provide examples, there were two PG13 movies that a number of our teenagers were going to see and see their ratings on commonsensemedia.org. (I have to admit, that I have never seen these movies- so I am taking the concerned tone from parents who have shared their concerns about these movies with me). One movie “Pitch Perfect”- “Parents need to know that Pitch Perfect -- a winning musical comedy about a fiercely independent college student -- will give teens (and adults) plenty to like. Expect some strong language ("s--t," "b-i-t-c-h," "d--k," and one use of "f--k"), drug references, and underage drinking (though it's not heavily emphasized). There's also some kissing and lots of sexual innuendo and some sexual discussion, plus several jokes about a lesbian character's attraction to other women in the group. Although the young women portrayed here are, for the most part, strong and confident, sometimes a shaming word, "slut," is used to refer to them.”

Another- “Fun Size” Parents need to know that because Fun Size is from Nickelodeon Studios and features Victoriousstar Victoria Justice and her on-screen little brother, many parents and kids might assume that it's OK for young kids and tweens... The humor, innuendo, and violence -- however comedic they might be -- are inappropriate for Nickelodeon's TV audiences, though far less raunchy than R-rated comedies like Superbad and The Sitter. On the bright side, the movie does encourage teens to look beyond the superficial when it comes to romantic partners and to appreciate and look after your family and close friends. Expect some language ("s--t" and more), underage drinking, implied teen hook-ups, and some scuffles and threats.”

But, we do realize that we cannot always protect them. We need to talk to them about our values regarding sexuality, drinking and all of the above. If they have seen a movie with objectionable elements, we need to have a values talk after the movie. Let them think about what they have just seen and why it doesn't mesh with our values. We need to talk to them before going out with friends and set the guidelines, (i.e. we need to know where they are going, what they are doing, who they are going with- and even put it in writing, if need be). We need to have the names and phone numbers of all the parents of their friends. We also need to tell them that we have the right to pop by and check on them.

Rabbi Mordechai Willig, on the above words and Rashi in Bamidbar points out that in the pasuk, the Torah places the heart before the eyes, but Rashi reverses the order saying “ The eyes see and the heart desires.” Why? Rabbi Willig answers:

“Perhaps the heart does two things- one prior to seeing and a second, after. First, the heart strays. As a result, the eyes stray, as natural curiosity takes over. This is then consistent with the order in the pasuk, as "The eyes follow the heart" (Medrash Tehillim 14:1).

Much of the expanded range of vision presented by natural curiosity is benign. Nonetheless, inevitably one's lust is aroused by what the eye sees, and at that point, the heart desires. Occasionally, a person cannot control these desires, and the body sins, as Rashi explains.”

What Rabbi Willig points out is that the impact of what one sees might be changed by one's heart – one's attitude, values etc. As parents, we need to strengthen the hearts of our children daily with the values and ethics of our family and religion. If we raise children with strong “hearts” hopefully they will know themselves when there is something they should not be seeing. That is our goal- for them to know what is right when we are not with them to cover their eyes. As Common Sense Media says on their website, “We can't cover their eyes, but we can teach them to see.”

This Past Week- Lessons in Empathy

 As we celebrate the last day of Chanukah and create memories with our children, we experience mixed emotions as we hear more details of the terrible tragedy in Newtown, Connecticut. As parents, there is nothing more terrifying. By now, you have received some information from the school about how to discuss this tragedy with your children. The most essential aspect is to validate their feelings, assure them that things like this rarely happen and describe what their school has done to keep them safe- as they all know the lock-down drills that we have been having in school. As parents and teachers we are doing all we can to keep them safe from danger.

When we discuss the holiday of Chanukah with teens, it is interesting to note that many of them have never considered the danger that children were in during the Chanukah story. We tend to focus on the victory of the Maccabees and the Chanukah oil, without focusing on the years of oppression that impacted on even the children. For example, the game of dreidel. This game developed when the Jews were forbidden to teach Torah, and moved Torah teaching to the caves. When the Greek soldiers would pass by, the children would quickly put away their Torah books and break out the dreidels. Most of our children know this story. How many of them have stopped to think how terrifying it must have been to be a child in those days?

Then there is the story of Chana and her seven sons. Again, a story that our children have been told since they were small. We focus upon how Chanukah, unlike Purim, was an effort to destroy our religion. The decrees of Purim were more physical and that of Chanukah were more spiritual. Perhaps only as parents could we stop and think about the horror of the thousands of children whose physical lives were in danger על קידוש ה.

When I speak with teenagers about the story of Chanukah, I highlight those aspects, encouraging them to imagine what it was like to be a teenager in those days. Aside from leading them to a better understanding of the miracle of Chanukah, it encourages them to develop their skill of empathy. This is the ability to “stand in the shoes” of another, rather than simply sympathizing with them from afar.

Empathy is needed for the development of all prosocial behaviors and has been associated with self-esteem, positive relationships and imaginative thinking- needed for creativity and humor. And, of course, low levels of empathy have been associated with aggressive behaviors, delinquency and poor social interactions. (There has already been a plethora of articles written about the lack of empathy in the perpetrator of the horror in Newtown). Empathy is therefore the mainstay of our 7^th Grade Advisory curriculum.

As our 7^th grade parents already know, this past week, our 7^th graders visited the Hackensack Homeless Shelter and had the opportunity to converse with the residents and deliver warmth packages of hats, gloves and scarves. This visit was the culmination of over a month of preparation in their Advisory classes in a unit called “Operation Respect.” In their classes they discussed what empathy is, and practiced the skills needed for empathy so that they could in fact put themselves in the shoes of another. More important than learning the skill of empathy is the ability to have empathy that motivates us to perform empathic behaviors.

During the week of Chanukah, when much focus is placed upon, “What will I be getting this week?” students were asked to focus on another person rather than on themselves. What does it feel like to be homeless? Could I imagine the pain they must be going through? Now that I feel their pain- what am I going to do differently? I will quote what I wrote to the 7^th grade parents last week:

 “The students have been preparing for this visit for the past month, and
yet they tentatively walked off the buses excited and feeling
simultaneously nervous.  Moments later, when the first "guest," (as
residents of the shelter are called), entered the room our students
sprung into action.  The students had split into groups of 2-3
students and each group approached one of the guests, handed him/her a
warmth package and began to converse.  We had discussed in their
training in Advisory some possible topics of conversation and the
students confidently asked guests, "What sports teams do you root
for?" "What's the last movie you've seen?" or "Where did you grow up?"

Before we left,  Mrs. Julia Orlando, director of the Shelter,
addressed the students. She said that more important than the guests
receiving the hats, gloves and scarves was the feeling they had that
someone actually cared enough to have a conversation with them.
Especially during this time of year, when they have no homes and many
have no family  they have no hope. We have restored some of that hope
to them.

Students shared how inspiring the visit was for them. I was inspired
by watching our children.  This is the first time we have done this
visit during Chanukah. I think this was the perfect opportunity to
relay to our students that it feels wonderful to receive the many
gifts they tend to get this week, but it feels even more wonderful to
give.”

In discussing their visit upon their return, students emphatically stated that this experience in empathy will cause them to act differently, (at least for a time!). They will appreciate what they have more. They will remember how lucky they are to have a family and to have hope for the future.

Chanukah can be a lesson in empathy. (How lucky are they to live in a time period where teenagers are free to learn Torah without fear! Will I now view my Torah learning differently?). A visit to a homeless shelter can be a lesson in empathy. (Let us appreciate what we have! Will I now express my thanks more often?). Even a tragedy in the news can be a lesson in empathy. (Hug your family members tight and don't forget to say, “I love you.”). Our students have learned empathy is worthless if it does not inspire us on to action. 

The Power of the Upstander

The news this week focused on the tragic story of Ki Suk Han, a 58 year old man who was pushed to death on the subway tracks in New York City. The past few days have been filled with discussion about whether the man could have been saved by the 18 people who were standing on the platform. Chris Cuomo, ABC 20/20 anchor, wrote on Twitter: 'Man pushed onto subway tracks. Some wave at train to stop, others take pics of man. No one goes to help him? What am I missing?'

It is not our place to imagine what is like to be the witnesses to such a terrible event. However, imagining the role of the bystanders is a discussion we have with our students. We discuss the story of Kitty Genovese in 1964. Ms. Genovese was stabbed twice about 100 feet from her apartment and her screams were heard by several neighbors. 38 neighbors came to their windows and not one offered assistance. No one even called the police. Some even saw the perpetrator return as she lay dying and stabbed her several more times. Finally, someone called the police. This story led to an area of research in social psychology called the bystander effect or “Genovese syndrome.” Why do people witness injustice and do nothing to help?

There are various possibilities we discuss with our students. One idea is that the bystanders may be afraid that some harm may come to them if they intervene. Research also indicates that the more bystanders there are the less prone bystanders are to intervene. We call this “diffusion of responsibility” as each person assumes that someone else will do something. Another possibility is that bystanders are looking around and noticing the reactions of others around them trying to ascertain if they should intervene. We commonly call this peer pressure.

Students can all relate to situations like this. Have you ever been on the playground and noticed someone being teased and not do anything? Why? Do the above reasons apply to why we as bystanders do not take steps to intervene? Are we sometimes worried about the negative ramifications of getting involved? The focus of our training when it comes to issues of bullying is to stress the important role the bystander can play. It is the bystander that has the power to ensure that injustice is stopped. In the periodic Quality Circles that we run in our Advisory program we focus on what we are doing in Yavneh to ensure that we as bystanders create an environment where everyone feels safe.

We highlight with the students that the power of the bystander is a Jewish ideal. This is the essence of the mitzvah in Vayikra 19:16 as it states, “לא תעמוד על דם רעך" “You shall not stand idly by when the blood of your fellow man is being shed.” We even do an activity with them

What Would You Do In This Case?

This is a true story of an event that happened years ago. What would you do if you were confronted with this situation?

Years ago, in a country in the Middle East, a young man who grew up in a wealthy home was walking in the fields. He grew up with everything he could ever have wished for- servants serving him night and day, the finest cuisine and no need to work a day in his life.

As he walked the fields, he noticed a poor group of people working hard to build some buildings. It was hot, as the Middle East can be, and they were sweating hard. No water, just some dry bread was their food. One of them attempted to slow down for a moment, and their boss took at a whip and literally beat him senseless.

This young man could not believe his eyes. Never did he see such cruelty. But, really- was it his business? It did not affect him in any way? Did he want to get involved in something that had nothing to do with him? Who needs the headache? It wasn’t even someone he knew or even cared about. And, if he does get involved- maybe he might suffer the consequences. And, no one else seemed to care that these workers were being beaten- why should he? And, if he steps in, life might get worse for the worker or even the other workers.

And, so he thought for only a split second- as if something came over him- and he confronted the boss and attacked him. He would never stand by and allow such injustice to happen again.

He then realized that someone might prosecute him for what he had done. So, he ran away.

Who is this story really about? What would you have done in this case?

The need for the bystander to intervene is the story of Moshe when he went out to the fields and killed the Mitzri beating the Jew- despite the risks.

This is  also the message of the Maccabees.   When  the Syrian Greeks "bullied" the Jews, the Maccabees stated "מי לה' אלי"- "Whoever is for Hashem, come with me.”  Have the power to resist the peer pressure.  Don't just stand there and allow injustice to happen. Stand up for that which you believe. 

 

What can we do to help our children become bystanders who make a difference?

1. We teach our children what they can do as bystanders. They need not confront the perpetrator directly. They can tell an adult. They can befriend the victim. They can distract the bully. These are all techniques we teach them.
2. If our children tell us of a story of a child being victimized we need to stress the importance of their getting involved and doing something to stop it. This is a theme that we can stress in other teachable moments (i.e. the subway story above).
3. Being an active bystander does not only apply to cases of bullying. It also applies to any time they see wrong being done. (If I know there is rampant cheating in a class, should I say anything?)

Our goal is for our children to not just be bystanders but to be “upstanders” who stand up for what they believe in.

The Lottery- Do Good Things Come to Those Who Wait?

 Now that Cindy and Mark Hill of Dearborn, Missouri have come forward to claim their Powerball winnings, I guess it is final- we didn't win. The other big winners from Arizona, as of press time, have yet to come forward. I wonder what they are waiting for. Some months ago I heard on the news of a man who waited months to come forward with his ticket. The news anchor said, “That is what we call delayed gratification!” His comment got me thinking. Winning the lottery is the antithesis of delayed gratification.

Fox News had a roundtable on the topic The Lottery- The death of delayed gratification. People don't want to work hard for their money anymore, they asserted. Rather than start a business and work hard for years to build it up, they want to win the lottery.

In the book Drive: 9 Ways to Motivate Your Kids to Achieve by Janine Walker Caffrey, she highlights this reality amongst today's children. She calls one chapter in her book “Resist the quick fixes of the lottery, game shows and reality tv.” Teens watch American Idol and “assume that everyone who was successful in the business had a big break and fail to realize that making it in the music industry requires a lot of hard work and perseverance.” The same with the show Extreme Home Makeover. They watch people, (although well-deserving), being handed their homes on a silver platter. They then get the message “wait for someone to give them things instead of understanding their own power to make things happen.” And, then there is the lottery. We purchase our tickets and speak about what we would buy if we win. “If only we could win the lottery!” If your child hears that message repeatedly, she really will make the assumption that the way to material goods is the lottery, Caffrey maintains. She will understand that she cannot attain these wonderful things unless she wins them. In other words, she is helpless to alter her financial status except through some lucky kind of windfall.

This belief that people are helpless to change their status without luck has a detrimental effect. “People who believe they are helpless to change their situation do not have any motivation to make things change. Reality TV and lotteries have created a sense of ... helplessness.” Caffrey also states that lotteries also create feelings of entitlement. “Children are inundated with images of people getting things just because they want them.” A student can purchase papers and answers online. A person can lose weight if he takes a pill. We need to teach children to patiently wait for want they want and work for it.



This sense of entitlement is pervasive in our world of technology. The fast pace of technology has robbed our children of patience and perseverance. David Greenfield, the founder of the Center for Internet and Technology Addiction, compares e-mail to playing a slot machine, (or playing the lottery). “The hit when you get a good e-mail is like the hit of winning money. It provides instant gratification. Today's teens demand instant gratification. Everything must be immediate and now! Movies on-demand, instant messages, instant music downloads- all is accelerated. “Because many things have come easy... they aren't always willing to pay their dues. Some educators and employers worry that their work ethic isn't as strong as that of previous generations and that they are willing to cut corners and even cheat in school to get what they want now.” Weight gain has also been tied to the inability to delay gratification, as with greater self- control, one can better resist unhealthy foods. (I often consider the halachot of meat and milk and notice that they enforce the need for waiting to eat something one might really want. So, after eating meat, even though that chocolate bar looks delicious, I must exercise self- control. Even saying berachot before eating forces one to stop and think a few moments before eating- not just stuffing oneself immediately with the food of choice. And, of course, the laws of Kashrut in general force us to say, “No” to ourselves, even when a food is very tempting. And, in the other realms of physical need, the laws of Taharat HaMishpacha, serve the role of delaying gratification).



The need for instant gratification underlies most addictions, whether to drugs, gambling or even internet addictions. In his article, “Gotta Have It Now, Right Now,” Ronald J. Alsop quotes an English professor named Harold Schweizer who stressed the importance of waiting – as it can be “regenerative and restful, as well as a time for inspiration and fresh ideas.” In his classes, he has incorporated pauses and waiting times.



How do we encourage this ability to delay gratification in our children?

1. We make them earn their privileges (i.e. cellphones).
   
2. We praise them when we see they are practicing self- control and are able to wait for what they want.
   
3. We encourage them to take the time to think before they answer or discuss.
   
4. Those who attended my Tu B'Shevat parsha and parenting shiur last year might remember the famous Mischel marshmallow study where children were told they could eat a marshmallow right away or wait (delay gratification) 15 minutes and could then get two. Children who were able to wait showed increased success in school and overall in life. They recently redid that study to consider what made some children delay while others needed instant gratification? They found that children from stable families, where parents generally delivered what they said they would, were more prone to wait. “Beliefs about the reliability of others' behavior inform children's decisions about whether to wait for a better reward.” A child's ability to delay gratification depends upon his assessment of the reliability of the adults and world around him. Our job as parents is to send the message to our children that if they wait, they will get what we said they would. We will deliver. They can depend on us.
   

Hurricane Sandy Resolutions

In the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy there are numerous “teachable moments” to share with our children. Mr. Charlie Harary, in his article “Hurricane Sandy: The Aftermath” shares numerous lessons to be learned. He also makes four resolutions:

1. Every day, notice one thing in my “normal” life and be grateful for it.
2. Dare to be great. Every day, set one goal beyond my perceived limitations and go for it. Push to see how much potential I really have.
3. Each day, hug each kid, tight. Pick a family member to call to say I love you.
4. The next time I have an opportunity to give, I will just give.

This is an impactful exercise to practice with our children. “What did I learn from the past weeks of Hurricane Sandy? What will I now do differently?”

With the Thankgiving season approaching, Mr. Harary's first resolution hits home. He shares a story, which will resonate with those of us who have grandparents who are Holocaust survivors.

“I remember when I was 16 years old. I was home one Saturday night with nothing to do, moping around, feeling sorry for myself when my grandparents came over.

'What's the matter?' my grandmother asked.

'I'm having a bad night, my plans unraveled and I have nothing to do,' I kvetched.

My grandmother, who at my age was in Auschwitz, commented, 'Boy, what I would have given to have nothing to do when I was your age.'

Enough said. Checkmate. Perspective gained.”

We spend so much time yearning for objects we do not even need, when life is normal. We do not appreciate what we have until it is lost. Each morning can and should be filled with the realization that we should be grateful for the normal, everyday things. When we awaken, we first say “Modeh Ani”- thanking Hashem for giving us life. Do we ever stop for a moment to be grateful for that “normal” waking up? When we teach our children the Beracha of “Asher Yatzer” to say when they leave the bathroom, (as thanks to G-d who created their body with their “plumbing” working correctly), that is exactly what we mean. Only those who, G-d forbid, lose that ability realize the importance of thanking G-d for the ability to go to the bathroom.  Even when saying 100 berachot a day, we can focus our attention and think about how grateful we are. In Hebrew, gratitude is “hakarat hatov'” - recognizing the good. It is a challenge to recognize the good we already have.   “Every day, notice one thing in my 'normal' life and be grateful for it.”

Another resolution I would make, stemming from our Sandy experiences, is related to a column I wrote last year about a day to “disconnect.” When we lost power at my home, we all gathered together in the same room with mattresses on the floor and read stories by flashlight. We spent more time together in the next week- undistracted by television, e-mail, phones and the other distractions in our lives. This was “quality time.” Aimee Lee Ball, in her New York Times article “Hurricane Sandy Reveals a Life Unplugged” concurred that, “But the storm provided a rare glimpse of life lived offline. It drove some children crazy, while others managed to embrace the experience of a digital slowdown. It also produced some unexpected ammunition for parents already eager to curb the digital obsessions of their children.” (She contined to add that Michelle Obama shared that her technology rule during the week for her children is no TV, cellphones or computers during the week except for homework.) “It's like coming off of drugs. There's a 48 hour withdrawal until they're not asking about the TV every other minute. The storm offered a nostaligic return to childhood amusements that don't require batteries.” (Although, it is interesting to note that Hurricane Sandy and its aftermath were the most instagrammed news event ever, with more than 800,000 pictures posted). Hurricane Sandy reminded me to resolve, “Every day, make some time to disconnect and be with my children and family.”   

The "Wandering Jews" and Home Alone

 Last week, the New York Times featured an article about Bar/Bat Mitzvah- a topic that applies to our community, and a topic I chose to discuss in my blog. This week, the child luring attempts have been on our minds- another topic that applies to our community. It seemed that both topics of Bar Mitzvah behavior and Child Safety coalesced today as I had a conversation with a parent about Shabbat Bar Mitzvahs. Many of our boys have their Bar Mitzvah celebrations on Shabbat, with a meal following Davening. After that meal, which merely lasts until early afternoon, there typically is no program. And, so we have a group of boys wandering the community, from one friend's house to another, with no supervision and no adult having a sense of to where they are heading. We train our children to notify parents of changes in plans. Some of these children's parents are in a different city. No one knows their plans. When I met with Detective Teehan today, before his program with the middle schoolers, I stressed the concerns we have regarding Shabbat safety- as it is a day when our children have no access to cellphones, and do a lot of walking and wandering.

Whose responsibility is it to supervise these wandering boys? Are the Bar Mitzvah boy's family- who are rather busy that Shabbat- responsible? Or, perhaps the hosts of the homes in which these teenage guests are staying. Is it their job to make sure they know where all the boys who are staying at their house are? Are there some rules that we as parents should get together and make to ensure their safety? Perhaps boys should have to return to the home where they are sleeping for the afternoon? I still recall after the terrible storm of March 2010, when we lost two Teaneck community members, a”h, there were a group of boys attending a local Bar Mitzvah wandering around town during that storm.

I have no particular solutions, but I wanted to bring up the issue. (And, I thank the parent with whom I this conversation for bringing these concerns to the fore). If you have any ideas, suggestions and/or interested in working on some solutions, please feel free to contact me.

Some Other Safety Concerns

As I mentioned above, and as you saw in the letter you got this evening, we had a program in school about Safety. There were some issues that as I parent were on my mind:

1. How do you teach your children about abuse and dangerous people without scaring them and creating more anxiety?
   We stress with our children, as we did in today's program, that they need not worry- they just need to know what to do. It is not “stranger danger,” it is “stranger safety.” Rather than focusing on the bad things that could happen, we focus on the skills and the rules we want our children to live by to stay safe. There is no need to worry about strangers if they follow the safety rules. We remind them that most probably nothing dangerous will ever happen to them, but they need to know the rules just in case.

It is essential that we remain calm when we speak to our children. Despite it being an uncomfortable topic, if we sound anxious, they will sense it. The goal is not to focus on scary stories, but to stress that most people are good. We need to stress that the world is mostly full of good, kind people. There is a children's book, The Berenstain Bears Learn About Strangers, which uses the metaphor of “bad apples.” (Note, it has been a long time I read that book and I am not necessarily recommending it). In the book, Sister learns about strangers and then is afraid that everyone she meets is dangerous. She then learns that people are like apples. Most apples are good but there are a few “bad apples” out there. Although this book is not one for teens, this is the message we should relay.

What if they do express anxiety or fear? Never minimize their fears. First get a sense of what is really scaring them. (Ex. Is the walk home from the bus bothering him?) Once you identify the actual fear, then you can practically outline what he will do to stay safe. (i.e. when walking home from the bus, hold your cellphone in your hand).

2. Another question brought up by a student today was, “What should I do when I am home alone?” At what age is a child old enough to be stay home alone? There are no legal ages in New Jersey for staying home alone, but the National SAFE KIDS Campaign recommends that children are not to be left alone until age 12. However, parents need to consider their own particular child. Children mature at different rates. If you are planning on leaving your child home alone for the first time, it is a good idea to begin leaving her alone progressively- first ten minutes while you are close to home etc.

We then need to evaluate if they are trustworthy. Will they stay home? Will they host a party with all their friends while you are out? Are they ready, in general? Are they fearful? Will they follow rules? Have they shown good judgment in the past? When is your child ready to watch other children?

As with any potentially dangerous situations, we need to teach them the safety rules. No answering the phone. No answering the door. Tell them things they cannot do without supervision. Role playing some situations would be a good idea. “What would you do if a stranger knocked at the door?' “What if your brother and sister are fighting?”

3. How do we stress to our kids that being safe is more important than being cool? We mentioned to the students the dangers of walking at night, especially in neighborhoods where there are no sidewalks. No self-respecting teenager would be caught in a reflective belt. That is probably what kids said when the law requiring helmets on bicycles went into effect. As parents, we need to model that behavior, and enforce it with our teens. Some other issues: It might not be cool to cross at the light, but it is safe. It may not be cool to tell a friend you can't go to the other house without notifying your parents, but it is safe.

4. How can we know they follow these safety rules when we are not with them? We cannot know. But, as with any values we relay to our children, we say them over and over again until they are second nature, and they cannot help but hear our voices in their heads reminding them of how to stay safe.

That is our job as parents. To become that broken record in their minds, (in a nice, supportive way, without annoying them). They know we do it because we care. Our parents did the same.

Mazel Tov and Mind Your Manners

“Teaching Respect to the Faithful” was the title of Bruce Feiler's article in the New York Times regarding Bar and Bat Mitzvah etiquette. He quotes parent Alia Ramer, “Parents were dropping their children off at the synagogue, and the kids, unchaperoned, were treating the joint like the mall. Girls were hanging out in the bathroom, sitting on the countertops and texting their friends, while boys were playing tag football in the social hall and sneaking brownies from under the plastic wrap...In the sanctuary, she wrote in a rant on the Web site of New Jersey Jewish News, they 'are prone to talking unabated through the service, save for the 30 seconds after they’ve just been shushed by people who are wondering where those kids’ parents are.' Even her own did it, she confessed.”

The Jewishjournal.com has an article written by Susan Estroff who humorously speaks of the same issue. “Our sages taught that a parent is responsible for a child until that child reaches the age of 13 years and one day, at which time he's ready to assume full responsibility for observing the commandments and for all his deeds. Perhaps our sages should have specified that all deeds include stuffing up toilets with rolls of toilet paper, downing the remains of alcoholic beverages, running wild in hotel parking lots, having elevator races and destroying someone else's furniture.”

When I came to Yavneh seven years ago, dealing with the Bar/Bat Mitzvah behavior of students was a priority. It was encorporated into the Advisory curriculm for the sixth grade, and has grown into an entire unit on Manners which we affectionately call, “Hey Dude, That's Rude!” We even hold a mock Bar/Bat Mitzvah where the students are able to practice their manners in real time.  More importantly, we realize that it is not just about the Bar/Bat Mitzvah party. It is about relaying to our students the importance of decorum and politeness in all realms of life- in the workplace, on an interview or even in a restaurant or movie theater. 

There are so many articles bemoaning the lack of manners among today's teens. One need not be an expert in adolescent development to notice. However, I recently came across an online newsletter called “Values in Action” where Mr. Hal Urban proclaims “The teenagers I know don't have bad manners. In fact, they have very good manners.” How can that be? He states that “teenagers get a bad rap.” And, that he sees more rude behavior among adults than teens. But, he does continue to share why all the students he has in his classroom tend to have good manners.

As he began noticing the deterioration of civility in the general population, and people were becoming more self-centered and inconsiderate, he realized that teens are simply a reflection of the world we as adults have created for them. He noted that when he would say to a child, “Do you talk like that in front of your parents?” they would reply, “Yes.” (Their parents were the ones who taught them that language). So, he stopped asking that question. He then changed his first day lesson plan. Each year on the first day of school his focus would be on what is considered good manners and what is considered bad manners. They discussed what it means to treat others as you would want to be treated. The students began to realize that if Mr. Urban spent that much time on the first day of school on manners, then it must be important. People then behave as they are expected to behave. He expected respect, politeness and, as we call, derech eretz. That was what he got. He ends his article by asserting that that is the way to teach manners, “Or maybe I'm just lucky, because those polite kids keep showing up in my classroom year after year.”

I like to say that I am lucky as those “polite kids” continue showing up in our Middle School year after year. That is because we have high expectations for respect, kavod ha'briyot and derech eretz. We also teach them how to do it in Advisory and in our classrooms. They too live a world where people do not say please or thank you. One need only have watched the last Presidential debate- the interruptions, finger pointing and talking over the opponents to see lack of civility. The candidates ignored time limits for responses. “If these were your own kids, would you put up with this?” The debate was a great “teachable moment” for us to discuss manners with our children. 

Mr. Feiler, in the Times, attributes one source of the lack of manners at Bar/Bat Mitzvahs to “Stressed-out parents have less time to raise their children,” and therefore schools need to take over the role of teaching proper decorum. I think that most of us would disagree. When we as parents send our children to school, we want to partner with the school in raising “menschen.” Only if we have these high expectations in school and at home will good manners then generalize to the Bar Mitzvah hall or the sanctuary. 

A Tribute to My Principal and That "Kesher"

High school is just around the corner. For our sixth graders, who are slowly adjusting, it is a mere two years away until they have to make the high school choice. (Although, right now we are still learning our Middle School schedules!) Right before the chagim, in our 8^th grade Advisory, we began discussing with them “How do I choose a High School? What affects my decision? Who makes the decision- my parents? Do I? Is it a joint decision? What kind of person do I want to become in the next few years?” These sound like serious questions to be confronted by a 14 year old who is making a “big decision,” along with his/her parents, for the first time in his/her life.

(We tend to take for granted the academic opportunities our girls have. On October 11^th we joined in on the “International Day of the Girl” created to draw the world's attention to all those girls who are denied educations and face poverty, discrimination and violence. This week, a 14 year old Pakistani girl who was speaking out against policies restricting women's education, was shot by the Taliban. Our middle school girls were photographed on Thursday raising their hands as part of the campaign to collect four million hands raised in support of girls education. (Thank you to Mrs. Robin Rochlin for bringing this campaign to our attention). Perhaps those few moments we spent that day hit home as our girls realized how lucky they are).

I was recently thinking about my own high school years as I had heard of the passing of my principal, Mrs. Chaya Newman, a”h. My high school years most definitely impacted on my love for Torah, teaching and reaching out to others. Those years helped me develop a strong sense of self and of success. Mrs. Newman was the principal for over 40 years and most definitely shaped the culture of the school that became my home. As principal, she was a role model to us of a woman who could be strong, knowledgeable and can make an impact. I have distinct memories of sitting in her office as a student council officer as she empowered us to make decisions. I remember spending Shabbat at her home as she reached out to students. I later returned as a graduate student to teach alongside my former teachers. I am grateful for the opportunities she gave me as a rookie teacher. And, I can still envision her dancing with me at my wedding, as one of her “girls” was getting married. The impact of those high school years stays with me years later.

We know of the incredible impact peers have on our teens as they enter adolescence. However, a recent study at the University of Michigan Institute for Social Research indicated that adolescents continue to be influenced greatly by their teachers (and parents) when it comes to “school engagement.” In large public high schools, where classes are larger and more performance-oriented, there are less opportunities for teachers and students to develop strong relationships, the study continued. Adolescence is particularly a time when teens need relationships with adults outside their families to feel competent in their schoolwork. These relationships can even counteract negative relationships with peers.

Dr. Haim Ginott, a child psychologist and parent educator who began as a teacher, highlighted the incredible influence a teacher can have on a child's attitudes towards school, education, and even their own self-image. “I've come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It's my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or de-humanized.” Each one of us can recall that teacher who was that instrument of inspiration. Unfortunately, many of us can recall those teachers that were not. When we choose a school for our teens, we are not only looking at curricula, peer groups, and even the campus. We are also searching for teachers who can make that “kesher” - connection- with our children to engage them in the learning and growing process. We are very conscious of this important role we teachers play each day- in middle and lower schools as well.

When I consider what made my high school years so impactful, I realize that it was the connections with my principal and my teachers that truly made the difference. So, although it may be “centuries” since I graduated high school, I know that those four years made an indelible imprint. I express my gratitude to Mrs. Chaya Newman, a”h, for all that she did for hundreds of teenagers searching for that important "kesher."   May her memory be a blessing. 

How to "Friend" G-d

G-d doesn't have a Blackberry or an iPhone, but He is my favorite contact.

He doesn't have Facebook, but He is my best friend.

He doesn't have Twitter, but I follow Him nonetheless.

He doesn't have internet, but I am connected to Him.

And even though He has a massive communication system, His customer service never puts me on hold.

Mrs. Sharon Risch sent me the above called “G-d and Social Media.” It, of course, speaks volumes about our relationships with our technology, but more importantly- at this time of year, with G-d. We know that "דרשו ה בהמצאו” (Yeshayahu 55:6) “Seek Hashem when He is near”- during the month of Elul through Aseret Yimei Teshuva G-d is nearer and closer to us, and we are to seek out that closeness and repent. How do we help our teens feel that closeness? The word Elul itself is an acronym for “ אני לדודי ודודי לי" “I am to my Beloved as my Beloved is to me”- as it is a time we are to seek out a relationship with G-d during the entire month of Elul, leading up to the Yamim Noraim. How do we raise children who feel this need to even have a relationship with G-d that is as least as strong as their relationships with their iPods? The above poem crystallizes this challenge. A few weeks ago, my three year old son said to me innocently, “Hashem is my best friend.” I want my children to feel that G-d is their best friend throughout their lives. (Even when it's not “cool” to say so). How do we make that feeling last?

Rabbi Steven Burg, the International Director of NCSY, wrote in an issue of Jewish Action that we wonder why many teenagers who are raised Orthodox simply go through the motions and then stray from Orthodoxy when they go off to college. He asserts that we need to “Reintroduce G-d into our schools, homes and relationships...Judaism is first and foremost about one's relationship with the Almighty, not about fitting into a social group.” Teens, and adults, lead observant lives because it is expected of them in the community in which they live. “A teen who attends a day school recently confided to me that although she has learned all of the intricacies of hilchot borer in her high school honors dinim class, she is not certain that she believes in G-d,” cites Rabbi Burg as an example. “A rabbi I know recently wrote about this very problem. While his Bubbie never studied the commentaries on Tehillim, which his daughters all currently learn and know, he wrote, his daughters cannot cry over Tehillim the way his Bubbie did.”

What can we as parents do to instill this love of Hashem in our children? We need to share with our children that the goal of all the wonderful and insightful commentaries and thought-provoking halachot that they are learning is to get closer to Hashem. We need to display our own love for G-d in words and action. When we experience a trip to the beach together and see the sunset, we need to say, “Wow. How amazing are the creations of Hashem. Can't you feel Hashem here?” It may sound cheesy, but we need to say it aloud. When I taught a Jewish philosophy class I used to ask my students to write about a time that they felt Hashem in their lives. We need to ask our teens to ask themselves these questions. Some students even kept a “Hashgacha Pratit (feeling G-d's presence) Journal.” We need to bring Hashem into their everyday lives.

As we do Mitzvot with joy we also relay the message that we are doing mitzvot to connect with G-d. If you truly love someone everything you do “for Him” is a joy. This applies to Tefilla as well. What message are we sending them about Davening- our opportunity to connect and talk to G-d? Like with a best friend, I turn to G-d to speak with Him when I have troubles. He always listens. We should bring up conversations with them about, “How do we connect with a G-d we can't see? How do we know He is there? Does He really answer our prayers?” These are important discussions to have with our teens. This is all part of the spiritual education we must give our children. They may challenge us- a perfect opportunity for a serious heart to heart.

I once read that we should try an exercise and ask our children why they are important. Most will say because they “get good grades, are good at sports, have good friends...”- all based on something human that can change. But, how about sharing with them that their self-worth is based on a Bereishit 1:27 “G-d created human beings in the Divine image.” You are wonderful because you are created in the image of Hashem and that Hashem loves you.

Judaism is not a dry, cold religion full of rote laws. It is, however, easy to fall into the mechanical performance of Mitzvot. Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe in his book Alei Shor shares the antidote to this problem as “let us contemplate that the Holy One, Blessed be He, Himself, commanded us in this commandment, and that through it, we are connecting with Him.” Taking a moment to stop and think before performing a mitzvah- not something most of us do.

As we approach Yom Kippur, I rededicate myself to work on my relationship with G-d and to help my children develop theirs. At this time of year, may we “friend” Hashem. I know He will “friend” us back.

The Present is a Gift for Parent- Child Relationships and Teshuva

The Torah reading for the first day of Rosh Hashana comes from Bereishit 21:1-34. There are numerous discussions as to why this section is read at this time. Primarily, one can see the Rosh Hashana themes of Tefilla – prayer and Teshuva- repentance as underlying these pesukim. The second section of this portion is the story of Yishmael and Hagar being sent out from Avraham's home. This story highlights the ultimate compassion of G-d as He saves Yishmael. 21:17, “G-d heard the cry of the youth, and an angel of G- d called to Hagar from heaven and said to her, 'What troubles you, Hagar? Fear not, for G-d has heeded the cry of the youth in his present state'.” “באשר הוא שם" – in his present state, are the words upon which I would like to focus. What are their significance?

Rashi quotes the Midrash that states that when the angels saw Yishmael dying of thirst they turned to G-d and said, “For one whose descendants will eventually force Your children to die of thirst, You will perform a miracle and reveal water?!” (For interest's sake, this is referring to the time when Nevuchadnezzar exiled the Jews to Bavel and the descendants of Yishmael greeted the thirsty Jews with salty food and bread instead of water, and gave them empty jugs filled with just air. When they tried to drink from these jugs, hot air entered their throats aggravating the situation). Hashem responds, “What you say is true, but at this point in time, is Yishmael righteous or wicked?” The angels replied, “Righteous.” Hashem then said, “If so, it is proper to save him, for man is not judged on his future actions. Rather, he is judged in his 'present state' באשר הוא שם– according to the level he is now.” (The parshanim describe that Yishmael must have done Teshuva and therefore was considered righteous).

This story teaches us one of the foundations of Teshuva- that of באשר הוא שם. Even if one's deeds are not of a high level all year long, one should attempt during Chodesh Elul and Aseret Yimei Teshuva to elevate one's deeds – as a person is only judged based on “his present state”- not on his future and not on his past. What a gift!

As a parent, upon thinking about the relationship we have with Hashem during this Teshuva season, I cannot help but contemplate the relationship I have with my children. The Selichot and High Holiday liturgy is replete with the image of G-d being our Father and we are His children “As a father is compassionate with his sons, so too Hashem should have compassion on us.” How can I apply this

באשר הוא שם philosophy to my relationship with my children?

It is inevitable that at some point with teenagers we will find some cause to argue or rebuke. (In fact research indicates that children who do not back down so easily and engage their parents in “spirited discussion” -a.k.a arguments, in an effective manner may actually be able to better withstand peer pressure as they can better calmly, persuasively and persistently argue their standpoints). In having these arguments it is a essential to not bring up the past- focus on the present. If we begin throwing things out that happened months ago and dredge up the past we cannot move forward. And, it goes without saying that we cannot hold a grudge. When the argument is resolved, it is over. If we do not do so, we are saying, “We forgive, but we never forget.” It relays the message to our teens that no matter how hard they try to change, we will never give them a fresh start. We will never see them in the same way again.

Our goal as parents is to let our children know that no matter what they do we will always love them. We will always help them get out of a rut and improve. And, once they improve, we will have faith in them. How many times have I heard students say to me, “No matter what I do, my parents won't ever trust me again.” The message of באשר הוא שם is the gift we can give our children of not holding over them mistakes they have made in the past (as long as they are no longer commiting the same mistakes).

There is another message in the importance of dwelling on the present. This past week, our 7^th graders began their Advisory classes. The theme of their Advisory curriculum is “Prepare Yourself to Change the World,” as they involve themselves in lessons and service learning projects. The first unit focuses on the power that teenagers can have to change the world. We discuss the story of Austin Gutwein, who when he was 9 years old in 2004 decided to raise money for those suffering in Africa by shooting hoops and getting sponsors. Now, in his teens, his program has spread and has raised over $2 million. We do not want our children looking to the future and saying, “When I get older, I'll make a difference and do something important.” We want them to realize that in the present they can be more and do more. This message is crystallized in the words of John Larson, a news correspondent, “I spent a day with Austin and his family and found them inspiring.  His story, I believe, challenges us all. The first thing I thought as I drove to the airport was: 'What was I doing when I was 12?' And then, of course, the next thought: 'What, exactly, am I doing now?'” We are empowering our teenages to achieve something special for others now.

This message also reminds me of what I sometimes hear from our teenagers, “I'll be more religious and be more serious when I go to Israel for the year.” It is as if they are excusing their present behaviors by looking to the future- when it's the present that counts. As parents we need to again empower our teens to realize that “If not now...then when?” (Avot 1:14). And, as the Mishna in Avot 2:5 also states, "V'Al Tomar K'SheEfneh Eshneh Shema Lo Tipaneh", “I will learn when I have time, because maybe you will never have time.” I recently received an e-mail from a childhood friend whose son is a high school senior in a “Modern Orthodox Yeshiva.” Her son recently celebrated the Siyum Hashas as he has actually completed all of Shas for the first time. Wow! That is a teenager who realized the power he has in the present.

As the we begin the new year of 5773 may we find the inspiration in the present to not dwell on past disappointments and challenges, and to not wait for the future. In that merit, may Hashem judge us similarly for a happy and healthy year.

Twelve Months a Year, Seven Days a Week, Twenty-four Hours a Day- Part of the Yavneh Family

Here at Yavneh we call ourselves “part of the Yavneh family.” As faculty in the school, we take that seriously. Consequently, when students leave the campus- whether at 4:40 each day or on June 20^th, we do not stop thinking about them, and even worrying about them. It would be easy for us to say, “They are not in our building now. They are not our responsibility.” A family relationship does not take time off for two months a year. And, that closeness does not go on hiatus in the evening during the school year. That is why we put so much effort into our social/emotional curriculum and particularly into our weekly Advisory classes. We understand that those are the skills they need to succeed out of the protective bubble of their second home- when we are not with them. We want them to have the skills to navigate camp, Bar Mitzvahs, high school...- all outside of Yavneh and all topics we cover in our Advisory curriculum.

In planning the last few weeks of the 2011-12 school year we focused on what our students will confront outside of Yavneh. Our Sixth Graders spent the year in their Advisory program focusing on their transition to Middle School and adolescence. Organization, time management, etiquette, friendship skills, and body image were some topics they tackled this year.

This past week, the sixth graders had workshops on “Preparing for Camp.” They discussed challenges that they might face in both day and sleepaway camps. Beginning with situations such as, “Jake has been waiting an hour for his turn in the shower after the big hockey game. He finally gets his turn and as he's showering he hears laughing. Suddenly, the curtain to his shower opens and he sees Tom, Louis and Steven standing there hysterically laughing." Our boys discussed: What is wrong with this situation? What would they do? Why is it important to tell someone? Who should they tell? Why do children sometimes not tell? What is our responsibility as bystanders? We focused on the importance of listening to that voice inside of us , and when we are uncomfortable, we must do something. We also need to know our own personal boundaries and when someone crosses those boundaries, we need to make it stop. The boys focused on the importance of protecting oneself from abuse from one's peers and from adults as well- even adults we trust. A scenario such as, "The head counselor of your camp, a really great guy, asks you to go out to the woods with him to collect fire wood for the camp fire later. Everyone else is in the Cafeteria far away on the other side of camp," was discussed, for example. Our students learned that most adults have our best interests at heart, but we need to utilize the safety rules without exception- just in case.

Other issues discussed by the girls were- What are some of the challenges I face if I go to a local day camp with non- Jewish campers? What do I do if I am home for the summer and lonely? What if my counselor is not receptive to my problem, who should I tell? How do body image issues pop up over the summer? How do we deal with homesickness? Fights with bunkmates? The insightful discussions that ensued provided our students with essential and practical skills need for life outside of Yavneh- during those other two months of the year!

Our seventh graders completed their year- long curriculum of “Prepare Yourselves to Change the World.” Their year was highlighted by internalizing the skills of empathy, resiliency building, and strength of character to withstand peer pressure among numerous other skills. Projects such as working with the homeless, decorating and delivering pillowcases to ill children, and writing letters and petitions against a nuclear armed Iran allowed for them to take the skills they learned and translate them into action. During their last lesson they created “7^th Grade Time Capsules” to be opened in 2022. They had the opportunity to record what they are like now and what they predict they will be like in the future- outside of Yavneh!

Our eighth graders culminated their Advisory curriculum “Preparing for Life After Yavneh” with lessons asking them to contemplate what they anticipate the next few months will be like and how they feel about leaving Yavneh. What did they gain in their years here? What are their worries about the years ahead? What excites them about their new beginning? Students were asked to complete surveys about their time here to provide us with feedback to improve or continue various aspects of our Middle School. At their Graduation Brunch the eighth graders read and took to heart the inscriptions written by their peers that they found inside their new Siddurim. Those inscriptions hopefully inspired them to strive higher and farther as they leave Yavneh.

At 11:30 on June 20^th we will wave good-bye to our students for the summer. They rush to the door “כתינוק הבורח מבית הספר" “like a young child who runs from school”- literally. But, I, with the rest of my colleagues, will be thinking of them all summer. Are they able to implement the skills we taught them in the “real world”? Can they face challenges and successes in life with ease and resiliency? Will they make the rest of the Yavneh family proud? What can we change, revamp, redesign or innovate so that they can do even better outside of Yavneh?

The Power of Praise

Mark Twain said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” The power of a good compliment or praise is undeniable. We know that in the workplace, employees are more productive when they receive regular praise. Not only does it lead the receiver to recognize how much he is appreciated, but it also leads him to further accomplishment to live up to and prove the validity of the compliments he receives.

We keep this impact of the compliment in mind as we meet with our 8^th graders in the last few weeks of school. One essential piece of their Graduation Brunch is their receiving of a sefer with a “compliments” inscription. We ask all the 8^th graders to write a compliment for each one of their classmates. “What do you admire about him/her that you never tell him/her?” We train them as to what is considered a true compliment- to focus on what makes the person unique and a special talent she might have. All the positive comments about each person were compiled into a description about the person which will be presented to him/her in that sefer.



We begin this activity by telling them the story of Sister Helen Morsla who conducted a similar activity with her elementary school class. Years later, she shares, that the list of compliments was so precious to each one of her students that they kept it with them. One of her students, Mark, was killed in Vietnam and the list was found on him when he died. One can never underestimate the power of compliment.


Dr. Erica Brown, in her article, “A Good Word” quotes Rabbi Simcha Cohen who states that in Mishlei 15:31 it states, “ A good word puts fat on the bones.” “When someone says something nice about you, you feel somehow more significant; they've put fat on your bones, an existential weight gain, so to speak. Compliments fill the heart and mind with a basic need; they are the emotional oxygen of the soul. When a person is starved for compliments, the effects can be perceived both in the short and long term. Aside from an inner agony that the person suffers, he also begins displaying signs of emotional hunger and negative behavior that result from his hunger for compliments.”




It was fascinating to see our students sitting at their computers working on their compliments. Some students struggled to write anything more than, “She is nice.” Others were able to pinpoint the exact qualities that made their classmates extraordinary. It was a wonderful exercise in appreciating our friends, and in thinking about how our words can make an impact.


Compliments are obviously beneficial for the receivers, but they also benefit the givers. By focusing on noticing the good that others do, it can boost our moods and strengthen our positive attitudes. The actual atmosphere around us becomes more positive. The Hebrew phrase of Hakarat Ha Tov stresses the power praise has for the giver. When we are grateful for the special quality of another, we are forced to recognize the good in him- a great skill for life. It forces us to forget for a moment the compliments we are seeking for ourselves and to focus on the other. Dr. Brown so aptly states, “We flatter people so that we can get places in life. We compliment people so that they can get places in life.”


As parents, we know the power our praise and compliments can have as well. But, how should we be complimenting our children? Dr. Carol Dweck did much research on the power of praise. Interestingly enough, praise can be effective- but only certain types of praise. Praise needs to be specific, sincere, and needs to praise effort. To quote a previous Parenting Pointers column, “ It teaches us a lesson when it comes to trying to promote the self-esteem of our children. We think that the more compliments we pile on- the more it will improve their self-esteem. So we tell them, 'I love that picture you made!' 'You are the best athlete on the team!' 'What a great student you are!' But, rather than these general compliments, says Rabbi Orlowek, use more specific ones to truly boost their self-concept. Like, 'That building you drew truly looks like the one we saw yesterday. The color you used was so vivid.' or 'That curveball was unbelievable!' And, we as parents need to become more like coaches who instead of saying to a player 'Great shot!' They will say, “You kept your arm at the exact angle needed.” Be specific so that children can tell you took some time to truly watch what they did.

Psychologists call that type of praise 'action or judgment praise.' For example, 'I can see you put a lot of attention and effort into that drawing.'(action) Or 'I love the colors your use to make that sunset” (judgment). When complimenting your child, compliment an action they did or a judgment they made. Notice the details of what they accomplished and then compliment them on those details. If we tell them they are the best artist we have ever seen, that leads to self-doubt, 'Can that really be possible? What if I make a mistake on my next drawing?...'”


As we lead our graduates through their last week as Yavneh students we, the faculty, truly recognize the special qualities of each and every child. We try to relay these specific compliments daily, but as we say, “Good-bye” we remember all those compliments we have not yet said. We will try to verbalize them in the coming days.